Cravings of the Heart (Trials of Fear Book 5)

by Nicky James

  “He’s not awake. He has no say so long as he’s unconscious. They’ll have you removed.”

  “They can try. I’m not going anywhere, and you can do the right thing and back me up. Arden needs me, and you know he’d want me here. He admitted I was right last night. He told me everything. Together we spent hours trying to get food into him. Do you know what kind of struggle that was? He needs professional help, Phoenix, and your parents don’t want to see the real problem. I can’t sit back and do nothing.”

  I stalled at the elevator, unsure where in the hospital I was going.

  Phoenix tapped the up button and clutched my shoulder. “I told you I had your back, but this may not be the time to start a fight. Everyone’s nerves are frayed.”

  “No, it’s the perfect time to start a fight because if something isn’t done now, he will die. Do you understand me?”

  Phoenix’s Adam’s apple bobbed, and he nodded as his eyes glistened anew.

  We rode the elevator in silence, my blood boiling with a combination of fear and rage. All my life I’d been a calm, collected person. I didn’t instigate fights if I could help it. I was a mediator. A nurturer. A caregiver. A healer, in essence. But for Arden, I’d turn the world inside out if it meant keeping him safe.

  The waiting room outside the ICU was filled with the McMillan clan. I didn’t know Phoenix’s much younger siblings. They were born either just before or right after I’d stopped being allowed at his house. The family resemblance was uncanny.

  Bryn I recognized—even though she was a lot older. I’d seen her at the wedding. She’d turned into a beautiful young woman. When she saw us, she rushed over and met us in the hallway, halting the youngest boy when he tried to follow. “Stay with Mya and Baxter. Luca will be back soon. I’m just going to talk to Phoenix.”

  The small red-headed boy pouted and clung to her side but relented when she shooed him off, and he went to sit between his other siblings.

  Bryn’s eyes were just as red and puffy as Phoenix’s, her pale face blotchy from crying. Even though we hadn’t talked in years, she dove right into my arms, hugging me tightly. I hugged her back as a renewed sting erupted in my own eyes and tears surfaced.

  “He’ll be happy to know you’re here. He talks about you all the time.”

  “Has he woken up?” Phoenix asked.

  “Briefly,” Bryn explained, pulling from my arms and dabbing at her smeared mascara. She searched my face with a watery smile. “He asked about you immediately.”

  My heart throbbed and ached. “I need to see him.”

  “Luca is in there right now. We aren’t allowed more than three people at a time in the room. Mom and Dad haven’t left his side.”

  I glanced at Phoenix, and he exhaled a shaky breath before looking at Bryn. “I’m gonna ask Luca to leave. I need to have a word with Mom and Dad. Iggy has every right to be here, but they’ll be livid.”

  “I know,” Bryn said, rubbing my arm. “Come on. Sit with us.” She nodded at Phoenix who wandered down toward Arden’s room.

  Reluctantly, I joined the clan of Arden’s siblings in the waiting room. It was a small space surrounded by glass walls on two sides which helped it seem less claustrophobic.

  Bryn introduced me to everyone and encouraged me to sit beside her. Forest, the youngest, eyed me from under his sister, Mya’s, arm. Baxter made no bones about asking who I was.

  “I’m Arden’s boyfriend,” I explained.

  “I thought God said he wasn’t allowed to like boys.”

  “No,” Bryn snapped. “Mom and Dad said that, and they’re wrong. Arden can love whoever he wants. God made him and Iggy exactly how he intended, and God doesn’t make mistakes.”

  Baxter mulled that over, and my heart swelled knowing Arden wasn’t completely alone in his family. He did have support.

  My knees bounced, and I couldn’t stop looking down the hall where Phoenix had gone and wondered what was taking place.

  Another McMillan sibling emerged from a room further down, and I held my breath. He must be Luca. I’d say he was about fifteen or sixteen if I had to guess. He headed to the waiting room to join us, all arms and legs and as awkward as any teenager. He eyed me, and then Bryn, silently asking who the hell I was.

  “This is Iggy,” Bryn said. “Arden’s boyfriend.”

  Luca’s brows hit his hairline as he scanned me. “You got a death wish?”

  As though punctuating his question, Nelson McMillan, Arden’s father, came barreling from down the hall, his anger on the surface and his face set in a scowl. Halfway to the waiting room, he pointed a finger directly at me.

  “You. Out!”

  I stood, squaring my shoulders and met him in the hallway before he could trap me in the small waiting room. “I’m here to see Arden. I’m not leaving.”

  “You’re not welcome here. I want you away from my family and away from my son.”

  I didn’t notice Phoenix coming after his dad until he stepped between us, facing his irate father and squaring his shoulders, matching his height.

  “Back off, Dad. He’s Arden’s boyfriend, and he’s worried sick. You can’t half-ass accept Arden being gay and then turn your nose when he decides to have a relationship. It doesn’t work that way. If that was me in there, you’d never turn Carrie away. You have no right.”

  “I have every right! He’s my son.” Nelson’s gaze slid from me to Phoenix. They were similar in so many ways. Phoenix was a younger version of this angry man, except far more accepting and open-minded. For once, it was nice to see him stand up for himself and not fall over his feet trying to please his parents. “I’ll deal with you later,” Nelson huffed. “I’m no more pleased with you. You’ve been hiding this friendship for years and blatantly lying to your parents. I have no words for how displeased I am. Step aside.”

  “No.”

  “Phoenix, let me handle this,” I said, trying to save him from tumbling into further discord with his parents.

  “There is no discussion to be had,” his father continued. “If you don’t leave quietly, young man, I’ll have you escorted away.” Nelson straightened the sleeves of his dress shirt and scanned the halls, clearly looking for someone to follow through with his threat.

  A few nurses had emerged from other rooms and were gathered nearby, watching the fray. Their whispers stopped when Nelson narrowed his gaze at them. I didn’t know any of those nurses, so I was going to be hard-pressed to find any backup. I could stand and fight or let this man walk all over me.

  Well, I wasn’t ready to back down. Not where Arden was concerned.

  “Arden wants me here,” I said, raising my voice as he stormed toward the crowd of nurses. “I’m not leaving. Arden is old enough to make his own decisions. If you ask him, he’ll tell you I belong here. I have just as much right as you.”

  “You’re wrong!” Nelson snapped, spinning back.

  Before he could advance, Phoenix once again planted himself between us, yelling at his father like I’d never heard him do in his life.

  I didn’t catch what he said because, at that exact moment, a gentle hand tapped my shoulder.

  It was the barest touch but enough to grab my attention. I turned and startled when I found Ireland, the nurse friend I’d helped with the fundraising event, standing behind me. His gaze was fixed on the chaos I’d caused, but his piercing blue eyes shifted back to me in a flash.

  “Come on. Walk with me for a bit,” he said, tipping his head in the opposite direction.

  My breathing was ragged, and my heart hurt with the need to ensure Arden was okay.

  “I can’t. My boyfriend—"

  “I know. Believe me. Just come cool off, and we’ll sort this out.”

  Abandoning Phoenix to his father didn’t sit right, but if anyone was going to make Nelson budge with his decision, it wouldn’t be me.

  Reluctantly, I followed Ireland down the drab yellow hallway to another section of the hospital. Phoenix’s yelling dissipated the furthe
r away we got.

  Ireland stopped at another nurses’ station and spoke to a lady at a computer. “If you need me I’ll be in the lounge.”

  The woman eyed me and nodded.

  Ireland waved a hand to another hallway. A few doors down, he guided me into a room with a few couches, a small kitchen area set up with a counter, microwave, and a bar-sized fridge, and a tiny lunch table that sat two. Ireland indicated to a couch, and I sat. He found himself a seat across from me.

  “Do you work in ICU?” I asked.

  I’d been acquainted with Ireland for a few years, but we didn’t know each other all that well outside of work. I knew he’d shifted positions a lot due to some personal issues—or something to that effect. The buzz of rumors wasn’t always pleasant or in his favor, but I’d never had a problem with him.

  He’d dated a pediatric nurse for a long time, but I’d recently learned they’d split a while back. Apparently, I’d heard through the grapevine, he was pansexual and dating a guy now. We’d found a sort of distant comradery when our paths crossed on occasion. At the recent event we’d worked together, I’d learned he’d recently got engaged to his boyfriend.

  “I work down here in the surgical unit. But your commotion was loud enough to travel down the hall. Thought maybe I should step in before things got too ugly.”

  I ducked my head and rubbed a brisk hand over my shorn hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause a scene. My boyfriend went into cardiac arrest earlier this morning. He’s in the ICU, and his parents aren’t exactly gay-friendly. The opposite actually. They’ve tried to have me removed from the hospital a few times already. Now they won’t let me see him.”

  Ireland grew quiet, so I glanced up.

  “I’m sorry. That’s really awful. Um… Don’t be offended, but your boyfriend, he’s legal, right?”

  I flinched. “Of course he is. He’s twenty.”

  Ireland put his hands up. “I just needed to know. In that case, his parents have little say in who visits him. Your boyfriend—”

  “Arden.”

  “Is he able to communicate? Is he conscious and aware?”

  “I haven’t seen how bad he is. I guess he was awake for a few minutes and asking for me.”

  Ireland nodded and sat forward. “Then we’ll sort this out. Rather than causing world war three, how about you let me see what I can do.”

  “Okay. Thank you.” I buried my face in my hands while I tried to settle down. My insides felt like they’d gone through a blender, and I was shaking still, unable to stop.

  “Iggy?”

  I peeked up, swallowing my instability and worked on putting on a strong face. “Yeah?”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Not really.”

  “Was this sudden or has he been sick?”

  I blew out a breath and blinked back forming tears before they could escape. “He… He struggles with an eating disorder. Up until recently, he had everyone believing he was anorexic. Just last night, I found out the truth. He’s not. He…”

  Why was I telling this practical stranger everything? All I could figure was that, for once, someone might listen to the truth. I needed to get it off my chest. I knew Ireland—despite not knowing me from a hole in the wall—wouldn’t judge Arden for not seeking help sooner.

  “Arden almost died of botulism when he was fourteen. His twin sister did die. Since then, he’s developed this intense fear of eating. He’s convinced it will happen again. He thinks everything he eats puts him at risk. He’s consumed with fear. It’s taken a toll on his body. He came in the other day with a dangerously low heart rate and low blood pressure. I’m not clear what his other tests showed, but I know it wasn’t good. Then this morning…” I choked on the words, unable to voice them again.

  Ireland didn’t reach out with a comforting hand, but he let me work through my emotions until I was ready to speak again. He slid a tissue box closer, and I thanked him, blowing my nose before straightening up.

  “Do you know my history?” he asked when I breathed my first full breath.

  “Not really. I know you have some personal shit going on and everyone pries and exploits it. I don’t get involved. It’s tasteless behavior if you ask me, and you’re entitled to some privacy.”

  Ireland smiled. “Thanks.” Then he paused and adjusted himself on the couch. “I have haphephobia. Do you know what that is?”

  I blanched and shook my head.

  Ireland chuckled at my response. “Not many people do. It’s the technical name. Basically, I fear touch. I don’t like people touching me, and I’m wary about touching other people. It goes through stages of being extreme, and then other times, it’s more tolerable. When it’s bad, my anxiety and behavior are through the roof. Even the idea of being touched might send me into a tailspin. Some people think I fake it or that it’s a big joke I use to get away with not doing my job, but it’s not. I’ve been in therapy for years. I’m not ashamed to admit when I’m not doing well.”

  “Wow. I had no idea.”

  Ireland smiled. “Your boyfriend, if his fear of eating is bad enough it’s causing a serious health risk, he needs professional help. Anxiety disorders can be debilitating and take over your whole life if you let them. Does he see someone?”

  “That’s just it. They’ve been half-ass treating him as anorexic. The only help he’s gotten is counseling from his parents’ church.”

  “That’s not good enough.”

  “I know.”

  Ireland thought for a minute and then stood. “Come with me.”

  I followed him back to the surgical unit’s nurses’ station where he picked up their phone and asked the switchboard for a specific extension. After a few seconds passed, Ireland’s smile split his face, and he spoke fondly to whoever was on the other line.

  “Hey, Erin. It’s me. I wasn’t sure if you’d still be in.” He paused while she talked. “I have a patient I’m possibly going to roll your way. He’s not doing too well at the moment, but once there is a chance to properly speak with him, I’m going to see if he’ll accept some help. I’ll give your card to his partner and ensure the doctors know to contact you.” Ireland’s brows met in the middle as Erin spoke more. He nodded and glanced up at me. “Do you know if the doctors have set up help already?”

  “I don’t know much of anything. Sorry.”

  “Okay, yeah,” he said into the phone again. “Thanks, Erin.”

  He hung up and fished around on the desk before coming up with a small business card. Placing it on the edge of the counter, he slid it over to me. “Dr. Kelby has been my psychiatrist for years. She specializes in anxiety disorders, specifically phobias. There is no one better. She said she was talking to a doctor today about a patient who might need her help, so it could be that the ball is already rolling in his favor, but if not, ask for her.”

  I took the card and placed it carefully in my pocket. “Thank you. You have no idea how much this means.”

  “Anytime. Now, let's go see if we can sort out some drama down in the ICU and get you in to see your guy.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Arden

  Each time I woke was a little easier than the time before. The lights in the room were too bright to fully open my eyes. Besides, the effort took more energy than I possessed. Heavy grogginess surrounded me making it hard to surface. My chest felt like a ten-ton elephant had decided to take up residence on top of it, and the stupid nasal cannula they insisted I wore felt weird. Every time I subconsciously tried to tug it off, someone fixed it back in place.

  The steady beep of machines surrounded me, and I knew from the whispered voices there were people nearby.

  Cusping the edge of consciousness again, I struggled to identify who was present. They were familiar, and I knew it was my family. My mind drifted to Iggy, and a pinch of sadness stung in my chest, knowing he wasn’t one of the people visiting.

  Swallowing, my throat scratched unpleasantly, and I groaned. Moving my head on
the starchy pillow, I peeled my eyes open and squinted into the harsh light.

  Mom was beside me in a flash, brushing my bangs out of my eyes. “Hey, sweetheart. Are you thirsty?”

  I nodded, but when she positioned a cup with a straw near my mouth, I flinched, a burst of panic igniting my blood. Shaking my head, I rolled away from the offer as Mom protested.

  If I had more strength, I would have asked for a bottle of water instead. My trust was thin on a good day.

  “I’m telling the nurses he’s awake.”

  Phoenix. Phoenix was here?

  When I glanced toward his voice, I caught the back of him as he flew out the door.

  Mom sighed and pinched her lips together. I studied her, wondering what had caused such a reaction but not having the energy to ask.

  I knew what had happened to me. The first time I woke, the doctor had explained everything. I knew my brothers and sisters were all here—except for Paisley—and my request to see Iggy was ignored.

  A stone sat heavy in my stomach. I wanted him here. Needed his reassuring presence beside me.

  A few minutes later, a female nurse, Phoenix, and my father came into the room.

  “You’re awake,” the nurse remarked, checking the machines by my bedside.

  All I could do was moan affirmation.

  Once she finished playing with a few buttons, the nurse bent closer and looked me right in the eye. “How are you feeling?”

  “Tired.”

  “I bet. Arden, I need to ask you an important question, and I need to know you are coherent enough to answer properly.”

  “I’m coherent, just weak.”

  She nodded and glanced back at my dad. The firm set of his mouth and his squared shoulders caught my attention. Phoenix glared from behind him, his body just as rigid, arms crossed, his attention on me.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “Do you have a boyfriend, Arden?” the nurse asked.

  My heart skipped as I flashed my gaze back to her. “Yes. Iggy. Where’s Iggy?”