Cravings of the Heart (Trials of Fear Book 5)

by Nicky James

  “He’s just outside in the hallway. There seems to be some discrepancy over whether or not you’d like him here with you.”

  “I want to see him. Please.”

  The nurse studied me for a beat before straightening and turning to my dad. The tension in the room was palatable. Phoenix looked smug, Dad looked pissed, Mom scrubbed at her face and simply appeared tired.

  Dad huffed and marched out of the room without saying anything. Mom soon followed, and I shifted my gaze to Phoenix. Had he done this? Did he fight for Iggy and me?

  “You’re welcome,” he said with a wink.

  “Thank you.”

  In the next moment, Iggy came barreling through the door. I had eyes for no one or nothing else after that. The poor guy looked utterly wrecked. Dark circles surrounded his red-rimmed eyes, and when he took my face, tears rained down his cheeks.

  With all the dwindling strength I had, I leaned in and kissed him, tasting his salty tears.

  “I was scared to death,” he said when we came apart. His thumbs stroked my cheeks, and he kissed my eyelids one at a time, then my nose and forehead.

  “I’m okay,” I rasped.

  Iggy rested our heads together, and we breathed the same pocket of air for a lingering few minutes, absorbing one another and the connection we shared. When he pulled away, I noticed my Dad standing against the far wall, his face set in rigid lines. Another nurse I’d not seen before hovered near the end of my bed. He was built like a brick shit house, and he stood with his arms crossed over his chest. Tattoos peeked out of the long-sleeved shirt he wore under his scrubs, and he had holes in his ears and face where I figured he ordinarily wore body jewelry.

  Seeing as my dad and Iggy were in the same room together, I guessed the nurse was acting as some kind of bodyguard to ensure shit didn’t go down. If I had more energy, I would have asked them both to leave Iggy and me alone, but I didn’t want to start a fight I couldn’t partake in.

  With effort, I adjusted myself on the bed and took Iggy’s hand. “Don’t leave me.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. You know that.”

  “I guess it was worse than I thought,” I said, eyeing the machine which was hooked up to electrodes on my chest. It displayed my heart rate and other numbers I didn’t understand. It was surreal and gave me a sick sense of déjà vu when I remembered being in the hospital with Ivory. More than once, I touched my lips and face to prove I wasn’t being overtaken by paralysis again.

  “We’ll get you proper help. This is my friend, Ireland.” Iggy nodded to the muscly nurse. “He gave me the name of a good doctor who treats exactly your kind of disorder.”

  I studied Ireland before blinking at Iggy. “What if I can’t do it?”

  “All you need to do is try your best. It won’t be an easy or a fast recovery, but I have faith she will help you.”

  “I don’t wanna die,” I whispered.

  A tear trailed down Iggy’s cheek, and he reached out and smoothed a hand through my hair. “I don’t want you to die either.”

  “All the staff needs is your consent to send Dr. Kelby up for a consultation,” Ireland said. “She can be here first thing in the morning. I will personally see to it that you get the help you need.”

  I nodded without having to think. “Please. I want to see her.”

  Iggy and Ireland shared a look, and Ireland asked him, “You okay if I go set that up?”

  Iggy purposefully glanced at my dad when he answered, “We won’t have a problem. Thanks for everything.”

  Ireland left, and I was alone with my dad and Iggy. I was sure Dad was supervising, but I ignored him. I wasn’t going to placate him and pretend Iggy and I weren’t an item. I would hold my boyfriend’s hand, I would take his offered kisses, and I would be proud of who I was no matter what Dad thought.

  Iggy sat on the edge of my bed, and we chatted quietly, touching and exchanging a few gentle kisses for the next half an hour. When my eyes started drooping, Iggy caressed my cheek.

  “I’m gonna let you sleep. I’ll be here all night unless they kick me out.”

  I liked the sound of that. My heart calmed as sleep swallowed me up again.

  * * *

  Iggy slept beside me on the bed that night but was gone before morning since he had to work. At nine a.m. I met with Dr. Kelby for the first time. She was a soft-spoken woman in her late thirties with strawberry blonde hair and emerald green eyes. Unashamed, I told her about my history, about Ivory, botulism, my steady decline with eating food, and the suffocating anxiety that surrounded every meal. We talked about the foods I could eat and the foods I couldn’t.

  She listened and never once judged me or made me feel weak for my fears. I admired her strength even more when she kindly put my parents in their place when they objected to our meeting.

  “So, the other night you told me Iggy convinced you to drink a meal replacement called Ensure.”

  “Yes. I’d just told him the truth, and he said if I tried, he wouldn’t let anything happen to me.”

  “And did you feel safer hearing that?”

  I considered as I picked at my blanket. There were still all kinds of machines beside my bed, and I was hooked up to IV fluids that pumped me full of medications to help stabilize my heart. Until I could come off them, my new home was the ICU.

  “Maybe a little bit. Enough to consider trying. Iggy is an EMT so he would know what to look for if I got sick.”

  “You trust Iggy?”

  “Yes.”

  “You said you managed to drink almost the whole thing that night. Were you afraid?”

  “Terrified. So scared I… I cried and tried to get away. Iggy held me and reassured me. He told me nothing would happen. I’m not sure I can describe that kind of fear.”

  “All-consuming.”

  “Yeah.”

  “And after the drink was finished, how did you feel?”

  “I felt instantly sick. I wanted to vomit, but Iggy wouldn’t let me.”

  “How’s that?”

  “He cradled my head on his shoulder and encouraged me to settle down. He… talked me through it all night.”

  “How do you feel about Ensure now that you’ve ingested it and it didn’t harm you?”

  I thought about drinking it again and immediately my skin tingled. The machine beside me pulsed a little faster.

  Dr. Kelby’s attention shifted to the machine, and she chuckled. “I guess that’s my answer, huh?”

  I smiled and ducked my head. “I don’t know if I could do it again. It doesn’t feel any less frightening.”

  “Could you if you had the same support?”

  “Like Iggy?”

  “Or someone who was equally trained and ready to assist you if you needed it.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think I’d trust a stranger. I know Iggy wouldn’t let anything hurt me.”

  She considered that and shifted, marking a note on her pad of paper. “How many times do you think you’d need to safely ingest something like Ensure for it to feel safe do you think?”

  I swallowed a tight lump and watched the numbers on my heart monitor climb. “I don’t know. Iggy wouldn’t let me read up on it, so I don’t know the full risks involved. Normally I try to read all there is to know.”

  “I see. Sometimes knowledge is a good thing, but in cases like yours, knowledge can provide a huge barrier and make things worse. How would you feel if I asked you to refrain from Google searching about foods from now on? Stop checking recalls, stop analyzing how they could make you sick. All of it. Would that bother you?”

  My eyes grew to saucers, and I nodded. “I would feel like I was going in blind. I wouldn’t be able to eat anything because I couldn’t be prepared for the possible effects.”

  “So basically you’d be almost exactly where you’re at now, unable to eat almost everything.”

  “I see your point.”

  Dr. Kelby sat with me for an hour. We discussed courses for treatment, and she
stressed the importance of having a solid support system. By the time she left, I was exhausted.

  I knew my family loved me in their own way, but I worried the support I received wouldn’t be the kind the doctor talked about. She told me Iggy’s idea of having me drink Ensure was a great starting point because it helped balance all the things missing in my diet and gave me a good hit of calories.

  My next step was trying to ingest at least one bottle a day. If things went well and I thought myself able, she recommended aiming for three or four times that amount.

  At present, one sounded daunting enough. Impossible when I let the fearful thoughts take over. More than once, I had to fight the urge to reach for my phone and Google this supplement and all the risks involved. I’d have probably caved if my phone wasn’t out of reach in the closet of my room with the rest of my clothes.

  Also, I promised Dr. Kelby I’d try to avoid the internet.

  Mom and Dad came and visited that afternoon with Forest and Baxter in tow. They took turns. Dad took Forest for a walk while Mom spent time at my bedside, shoving crackers in my face since it was the one thing I’d willingly eat. No one spoke of Iggy or the fact that he’d spent the night and planned to return later when he was done work.

  “Why do you have that thing in your nose?” Baxter asked, examining me with a funny look on his face.

  I touched the nasal cannula, itching to remove it but thought better when Mom pierced me with The Look.

  “My heart isn’t pumping at full strength,” I explained. “There isn’t enough oxygen circulating through my body, so this helps give me more.”

  “Oh. When are you coming home?”

  “Don’t know. When my heart gets stronger, I guess.” Baxter was a smart kid, but I could see the worry in his eyes. He probably didn’t understand all that was happening, and knowing Mom and Dad, they’d probably glazed over the truth as usual.

  “Once he eats more, and his heart can function without help, we’ll bring him home,” Mom told him.

  “You’re not fat, Arden. I don’t know why you think that.”

  “I don’t. I know I’m too skinny and need to eat more.”

  Baxter rolled his eyes as only an eleven-year-old could do. “Then eat! What’s the problem? Mom makes good food all the time.”

  I sighed, hating how I had become everyone’s focus. “I’m gonna try.”

  “He’ll eat more once he comes home. Your dad and I will make sure he does. No more skipping meals, right?” Mom said, pinning me with her no-nonsense glare.

  Because it was just that easy in her eyes.

  “Yeah.” I ducked my head, knowing that wouldn’t be the case. Even Dr. Kelby had said it would probably take a long time to get back onto a proper diet. I’d need to reintroduce foods at my own pace at first to battle through the anxiety. Over time, she’d assured me it would get easier.

  My parents couldn’t seem to understand. The idea of going home worried me. My support system wasn’t as stable as it should be and I knew it. Forcing Carl to lecture me wasn’t going to make anything easier.

  At three o’clock, when Forest was chatting my ear off about his friend William’s tree fort and Dad was sitting silently stewing, a knock sounded on my door.

  Bryn poked her head in.

  “Hey, you. Can I visit?” She eyed Dad and Forest. “I saw Mom in the hall, and she said you guys needed to leave soon because she had to hit the grocery store.”

  Dad stood and stretched his neck from side to side, nudging Forest and encouraging him to climb down from my bed. “We do. The church has their annual bake sale this weekend, and Mya and your mother plan to bake this evening.”

  “Thanks for visiting,” I mumbled, even though we’d barely said ten words to each other.

  Dad and Forest left, and Bryn slipped in, eyes wide. “Yikes, how did that go?” she asked. “There has been nothing but mega tension since yesterday. Dad is seething.”

  “Yeah. He didn’t say much.”

  “How are you?” She eyed the monitors.

  “Just trying not to die.”

  “You’re not funny. Move over.”

  I wiggled to the left, making room, and Bryn climbed in beside me, snuggling up to my side. “Iggy’s pretty awesome fighting for you like that.”

  I smiled. “Yeah. I really like him.”

  “Just like?”

  My cheeks heated and I nudged my sister's side. “Actually, I’ve been madly in love with him since I was ten years old and I’m living in a dream right now. I’m just a little pissed my body decided now was the time to defy me.”

  Bryn giggled. “I think it’s great that you two hooked up. Mom and Dad will get over it.”

  I doubted it, but I didn’t want to burst her bubble. “How have you been?”

  “Good.” She eyed me, grinning mischievously. “Guess what.”

  “What?”

  She lowered her voice and squirmed a little closer. “I have to tell you something, but you have to swear to me you won’t tell anyone.”

  “Cross my heart and hope to die.”

  “Could we not use those words while you’re hooked up to a heart monitor in the hospital.”

  I chuckled, feeling lighter with my sister beside me. Bryn was the closest I’d been to a sibling since losing Ivory, and it felt good. “I promise. What’s up?”

  She didn’t speak for a long moment—which for Bryn was almost a miracle.

  “Tell me!”

  “Okay. Remember that guy I had a few dates with? Chad?”

  I considered and nodded. “Yeah. You mentioned a few dates.”

  “I lost my virginity,” she blurted. “I’m going right to hell, but I don’t care. Oh, Mylanta! Arden, it was perfect.”

  I gasped theatrically and held a hand to my mouth. “Say what now? You mean you aren’t the perfect child anymore? You tarnished your reputation? I don’t believe you.”

  “Shut it. I’m not perfect. Besides, we’ve gone out a few times, and I’m twenty-two for crying out loud.”

  “Just tell me you did it for you and not because he pressured you.”

  She shrugged and cuddled in closer.

  “Bryn!”

  “Maybe that’s why guys don’t want to stay with me because I always say no. So I didn’t say no this time.”

  “Do you regret it?”

  “No. I like him.”

  “Good.” I kissed the top of her head. “But as much as you’re probably bursting at the seams to spill all the details, don’t. You’re my sister, and there are limits.”

  She laughed and pinched my side. “Duh.”

  We chatted about all kinds of other things over the following hour. When the nurse came to take my vitals and more bloodwork, Bryn said her goodbye, promising to visit again the next day.

  When dinner time rolled around, Iggy came from work still dressed in his uniform. The bags under his eyes were more prominent than the day before, and his whole body slumped when he sat on the edge of my bed. His exhaustion was glaring.

  He greeted me with a lingering kiss, brushing our lips together once before closing his eyes and melting against my mouth.

  “I missed you today,” he breathed.

  “I missed you too.”

  “How was your appointment with Dr. Kelby?”

  “It went well. We talked a lot, and she’s gonna meet with me every day so long as I’m in here. She seemed nice and not patronizing like everyone else I’ve talked to over the years.”

  “Good.” Iggy took my hand and stroked the top, carefully avoiding the IV line going into my wrist.

  “She wants me to try taking Ensure once a day. She said it was a good starting point and was impressed to hear I succeeded in taking that one the other night with you. Although, I don’t know if I’d call it a success since I was a complete and utter mess.”

  “You did well. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But the important thing is you did take it.”

  I studied Iggy for a beat before asking,
“Would you stay with me if I tried another?”

  “You know I would. Just say when and I’ll be by your side.”

  “I asked them to bring one with my crackers for dinner. I think they’re giving me boiling water as well to make ramen noodles. Mom brought me a few packages today and insisted I eat them.”

  “That’s great. I’ll be here, and after you’ve eaten a bit, we can take our time and try the drink.”

  I nodded, noting his uniform again and frowned. “You haven’t been home.”

  “Not yet. I needed to hear about your day.”

  I reached out and traced the dark lines under his eyes. “Have you slept at all?”

  He clasped my hand and kissed my knuckles before bringing it down again. “A little last night, but I was too worried about you, so it wasn’t a good sleep. I’m okay. Don’t worry about me right now. Focus on you.”

  I hated seeing him so wrecked because of me. “How was work today?” I asked, changing the subject.

  Iggy spent the next while telling me about his job which turned into stories about him and the guy he worked with which shifted to more college tales.

  “Phoenix is gonna hate you when he finds out everything you’ve told me.”

  Iggy chuckled. “Nah, he won’t. He plays it tough but he loves you, and he’s worried about you too.”

  I knew that deep inside. Phoenix had played a big role in helping Iggy get visitation rights so I couldn’t fault him.

  When the dinner cart arrived, my nerves spiked. I turned hot and cold and made my stupid monitor set off an alarm which brought in my nurse.

  “Think positive,” she told me. “It’s all in your head.”

  Then she left, and I wrinkled my nose at Iggy. “Cuz it’s just that easy, right?”

  “Ignore her. Do you want to start with the crackers and soup while your stomach isn’t in a knot?”

  “My stomach is always in a knot. But yeah. Okay.”

  Iggy used the boiling water to make my ramen noodles while encouraging me to eat each cracker. When the soup was ready, I hooked one noodle at a time on my spoon, nibbling it cautiously, ignoring the torrent of thoughts pummeling my brain.

  Iggy encouraged me to keep going whenever I slowed down. In the end, I managed most of the soup and eleven crackers—which was a record.