From the Mad Journal of Mercy Mayhem

by Cathy Gaitan

  I suggested we create our own language. They unanimously shot down my suggestion. What kind of family is this? Maybe they haven’t heard of a little word called loyalty. Pink just shrugged at me and said the Korean language already exists. I hate to admit it but he’s right. Damn!

  April 23,2017

  It turns out Carmony is a natural at hand to hand combat. She wasn’t able to beat Julia Caesar but it was a near thing. And Pinkerton is a pretty decent shot. He didn’t get all kill shots like Julia and Titus but he did at least hit the target every time which is more than I can say for most of us. k12

  Julia has banned be from the shooting range. Apparently there’s this thing called ‘kickback’ when you fire. And they did mention it could happen but nobody really explained what that meant. Just so you know it means you could accidentally shoot someone. But really, I barely grazed Titus!

  He didn’t even seem to mind. All he said afterward was I’ll need to do better than that if I want to take him out. He said it with a gleeful grin. I’m pretty sure he’s crazy. Don’t tell Julia!

  April 24, 2017

  I’ve decided to practice shooting in secret. Pink has promised to teach me. He borrowed Caine’s paint gun for me. I know it seems like it’s not a secret if Pink is in on it but he knows everything about me whether I want him to or not. I find it’s less aggravating if I’m the one disclosing information rather than him snooping and finding out on his own.

  Pinkerton says once I master the paint gun we can try pellet guns before moving on to live weapons. Something about the way he said it makes me think he doesn’t actually believe we’ll ever make it to live weapons. Don’t worry. I’ll show him!

  I am a Zombie woman. Hear me roar!!

  That sounded better in my head.

  April 25, 2017

  So, it turns out Pinkerton’s teaching method involves shooting me full of pink paint pellets and watching me stagger away in fear. Did I drop my weapon? Yes. Pinkerton then shot me in the back and yelled, “Never surrender your weapon!”

  I think I’ve mentioned this before but Pinkerton Floyd is a complete jackass!! When I become the ninja assassin of my dreams he will be my first victim.

  Fighting!!

  April 26, 2017

  Okay, so new plan. I will teach myself to shoot. Hold up, I know what you’re thinking. It’s impossible to teach yourself what you don’t know. Wrong! That’s what X-box live is for. No worries. I got this!

  I’m so insulted. Even Lumina looks at me as though I might somehow harm her with a video game. Her guard is firmly stationed in front her. Ridiculous!

  Do you think someone told them about the Titus incident?

  April 27, 2017

  My X-box is broken. More accurately I smashed it to pieces!! Complete strangers yelled at me because I was a bad player. My words. Theirs were meaner. They called me rude names. They laughed at me.

  I need to rethink my strategy. I will not be deterred.

  April 28, 2017

  Well, my new strategy worked! I went to Titus Remington and begged him to teach me how to shoot. I figured since he handled me shooting him so well he doesn’t frighten easily. Julia’s going to have to be kept out of the loop. She obviously worries about the male.

  Titus says there’s a shooting range a couple of blocks from his bar we can use when we need to. He was super excited to get started. He says he considers it a challenge to teach someone Julia considers a lost cause.

  His words didn’t bother me at all. Knowing Julia considers me a lost cause doesn’t hurt my feelings. What feelings? I’m a Zombie. We are made of sterner stuff. I think I drank too much water because my eyes are leaking the excess. Really!

  April 29, 2017

  Titus says I’m the worst shot he’s ever seen. He said it with a laugh which is just rude. I’ll get better. I just need to practice more. I almost hit the last one. That time it was barely a foot outside the target. I’m improving. I can feel it.

  When I told Titus he just shook his head and said maybe by the end of the year I’ll manage to hit the paper the targets on. Not the body mind you, just the edge of the paper.

  A lesser Zombie would give up. Not me. I’m powerful strong.

  April 30, 2017

  Did you know there’s a thing called a ricochet bullet? It’s when a bullet bounces off something like say, a metal ceiling beam and hits something else like maybe a Zombie named Titus. It really was an accident! I don’t even know why I looked up or why my hands (and gun) followed my gaze.

  Don’t worry Titus is fine. That bullet hit him smack in the chest but he was able to get it out with some tweezers. He pulled that first aid kit out of his back pocket as though he’d been expecting something like this.

  Unfortunately, Julia’s tattooed face now sports a bullet hole between her eyes. When I asked how he was going to explain that he said it would be easy. He works in a bar. Robberies happen all the time.

  I’m so relieved he’s such a good liar because I’m pretty sure Julia would kill me for good if she found out I shot Titus again. This is our little secret. Right?

  May 1, 2017

  Pinkerton knows I shot Titus again! How, you ask? Because Titus told him. Apparently their bromance lives. I will never understand male Zombies.

  I don’t think he’ll tell Julia Caesar. Do you? Why does this always happen to me? Why does Pink have to find out everything? Why am I such a mess?

  Can Zombies have an anxiety attack? Because I’m pretty sure I’m having one. I need to just get it together! It’s going to be okay.

  What’s the worst that can happen? Julia could find out and she could murder me in the most horrifically painful way possible.

  What’s the best that can happen? Julia never finds out and my Zombie existence continues indefinitely.

  Number two is the only option. Got it?!!

  May 2, 2017

  I could barely look Julia Caesar in the eyes today. I was afraid I’d give something away but at the same time I needed to know if she knew. She doesn’t know. At least not yet.

  I’m pretty sure I can contain Pinkerton but that damn Titus might just spill the beans. He is so unpredictable!

  Pink wants a favor. No surprise there. Whatever it is I’ll do it. If only Titus was that easy. How the heck does Julia deal with him?

  May 3, 2017

  Titus wore a bullet proof vest during practice today. I wanted to be angry about it but honestly I was relieved. If I shoot him one more time I don’t anything can save me.

  He made a point of standing behind me while I fired. It kind of made me nervous though. I could hear him laugh every time I missed the target. One time I missed my target and hit the one in the next lane. I was pretty stoked about it but Titus laughed until I thought he’d crack a rib. You know, from the elbow I planned to ram into his side.

  He said it’s funny when I get excited about stupid things. Yeah, Julia really hit the jackpot with this one! The luckiest girl in the world if the world is backwards and lucky means cursed.

  I think Titus has been spending too much time with Pinkerton. His humor is starting to get as twisted as Pink’s. That is not a good thing!

  May 4, 2017

  I’m thinking when we take over the world we should make Zombiedom an Amazonian society. It will be awesome because you can order just about anything on Amazon. I ordered a ginormous bag of Twizzlers and 50 packs of Nerds. They arrived the same day! Can you believe that? This is the Z

  I also think we should eliminate the male species. Who needs them? My exceptions would be Lee Min Ho and Elvis. Lee Min Ho is Human so he’ll need to be Zombiefied. Elvis is one of our oldest Zombies. I heard he likes to hang out in Las Vegas. He apparently gets a kick out of ‘impersonating’ himself. I intend to present my suggestions to the group at our next meeting. Wish me luck!

  May 5, 2017

  I cannot emphasize enough what a jackass Pinkerton Floyd is!

  He made me get another tattoo! That was the favor he wanted
in exchange for his silence about my unfortunate second accidental shooting of Titus. I had to do it. What choice did I have? It was either death by Julia or humiliation by Pink.

  The tattoo is definitely humiliating. It’s located on the back of my neck and says I Heart Pinkerton Floyd. That Zombie is diabolical. I will be laughed out of the group!

  I don’t know how and I don’t know when but one day I will make that Zombie pay for this!!

  May 6, 2017

  Caine took a picture of my new tattoo to send to Mary Mary. She had some issue with her dog and couldn’t make it to the training. This just reinforced my belief that a male free world would greatly enhance the existence of females everywhere.

  Last night I created a suggestion box so the group can submit their ideas. I already submitted my suggestions. I can’t wait for the next meeting!

  Pink made sure everyone saw my tattoo. Nobody laughed at me at least not in front of me. They just kind of looked at Pink and me like they were trying to figure out what we were up to. Everyone knows I would never willingly get that tattoo.

  Thankfully Julia was the least interested. She just said we were weird and moved on to directing our training.

  When Titus showed up I got really nervous. I always do since the unfortunate incident. The more I tried to act normal the stranger I behaved. I couldn’t stop smiling which is not at all normal for me. When Julia asked what was wrong I started laughing like an idiot. Pink had to pinch me on the arm to get me to stop. I knew why he was doing it but it still made me angry. Luckily my elbow to his gut was a completely expected reaction from me.

  When Titus saw my tattoo he laughed unit he cried. He looked at Pink and high-fived him. What the hell? I am really starting to hate this bromance.

  Pinkerton Floyd and Titus Remington will be the first males to go once I get the rest of the females on board with my vision of a male free Zombie world.

  Just the thought takes me to my happy place.

  May 7, 2017

  My male free world was vetoed hard. Julia thinks I need ‘therapy’. As if I’m the only one with unorthodox thinking!

  The skills assessment test is tomorrow. I’m considering boycotting on the basis that I am philosophically opposed to it. Maybe I could just say my cat is sick. It worked for Mary ditto. I’ll just stay home with my cats, watch I Dream of Jeannie re-runs and munch myself into a coma.

  It sounds like a plan. Well, maybe it sounds more like avoidance but I’m okay with it. Actually, I’m not that okay with it but I really don’t want to take that test!

  The thing is if I don’t go tomorrow Titus won’t continue to train me at the shooting range. He told me this before we even started. I suspect Pink had a hand in it. I don’t want to stop my training now. I can’t! I’m making progress. I know it!!

  I guess I’ll go but I won’t like it.

  May 8, 2017

  The skills assessment test was really strange. For the physical part Julia handled the women and Titus handled the men. That part was basically a test on what we’d already trained in. I was omitted from the shooting portion which is so unfair!

  The written part included weird questions I’m certain nobody could answer. Longitude, latitude and directional questions. What direction does the sun rise and set? What direction does a compass point? How long does it take someone to arrive from point A to point B if they’re driving at a specified speed? What is the point of all these questions?

  The digital part was a nightmare. I’d explain it if I understood what it was about to begin with. Titus made me sit between Abel and Caine. They wouldn’t help me. I know Julia and Titus told us not to speak to one another during the test but still. How rude!

  There was also an oral part. We were called into Julia’s office one at a time which was nerve wracking as hell. Julia and Titus asked us questions about ourselves like what are our habits, hobbies, interests, suggestions, favorite and least favorite things/people/books/shows/movies. For some reason my oral test took longer than anyone else’s.

  It didn’t occur to me until later that those were odd questions for a ‘skills assessment’ test. What do any of those things have to do with skills? Maybe I’ll ask Titus when I meet him at the shooting range. I doubt he’ll tell me anything. He’s kind of a hard ass about stuff like that.

  Well, the good thing is it’s over.

  May 9, 2017

  Have you ever had a dream where everyone is staring at you, pointing at you, laughing at you? No? Me, neither. I was just wondering for no reason.

  Last night I asked Titus about the oral part of the assessment test. He laughed and said I’d found out today. I didn’t like the look in his eyes when he said it though. I know he and Julia Caesar are up to something.

  What if it was a trick? Maybe they hate my suggestions. I stuffed that box full of my ideas. I mean that literally. I could not fit one more not inside. Maybe they’re trying to get rid of me. Maybe they’re planning on kicking me out of the group. Those rats! They can’t do that!! I’m the one that formed the support group to begin with.

  If they toss me out, I’ll take everyone else with me or at least Pinkerton. Only because he makes things less boring and maybe because he makes me feel less lonely. Don’t tell Pink I said that!!

  I know I sound crazy right now but that’s only because I am crazy. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. I am not really interested in moving beyond that right now.

  May 10, 2017

  It turns out the oral part of the assessment test was Julia and Titus’ version of interrogation. Julia said most people’s first instinct is to lie to cover up any of their perceived ‘odd’ qualities. Apparently natural instinct is to go into specific detail which, in this case, was a good thing. In other words, I’m Zombie Proud and I own my madness like a boss! I am the best Zombie ever!! Julia and Titus didn’t exactly say that but it’s how I choose to interpret it.

  According to Julia I’m mediocre at combat. I one hundred percent disagree. I am a Ninja assassin in the rough. She says I couldn’t find my way out of a paper bag. Why would I be in one to begin with? She also says I am a liability with a weapon and so hopeless with electronic devices I’m not fit to use a flip phone. One day soon I will amaze her with my weapon mastery! As for the electronics devices comment, I don’t care!! I’m pretty sure digital devices were created by Humans to make Zombies feel inferior. Well, it won’t work! I am a Queen or at least the mother of a Queen Zombie cat which as far as I’m concerned is better.

  The good news is Titus says I’d be perfect for tactical missions whatever that is. He says I’m so clueless no one would ever suspect me of being a spy. A spy! Mercy Mayhem Super-Secret Ninja Spy!! I knew I liked Titus Remington. He obviously sees my ninja potential.

  May, 11, 2017

  Pinkerton says Julia and Titus are setting me up to be a Trojan Horse. Right now he is in full X-Files mode: TRUST NO ONE!! He says he aced everything on the test except the oral part because he lied through his teeth. He essentially told them he had no opinion about anything which is complete nonsense. The only Zombie more opinionated than Pink is me.

  Titus told him he could be used is any number of ways. You know the words we say can make a huge difference. Pink took definite offense to the idea of being ‘used’. He is in no way interested in being a puppet on somebody else’s string. Come to think of it, neither am I.

  May, 12, 2017

  Pink and I have decided to be optimistically cautious. We will proceed with caution and see where this Zombie revolution takes us. Whatever happens we’re sticking together. If we don’t like the direction we’re taken we’ll create our own course.

  For now, we’ll learn what we need to know and play it by ear.

  May 13, 2017

  Today was amazing! During target practice I hit my target. It was a perfect head shot. Can you believe it? Neither can I! I kept the target so I can show Pink.

  Okay, in the interest of being honest, it was more accident than skill.
Titus coughed behind me and my gun jerked to the right but so what. A win is a win! Titus was so impressed. Now I know the key is to aim like I usually do and then jerk right.

  May 14, 2017

  Mary Mary told me her dog was Zombiefied. She doesn’t know how it happened. It seems he was fine before all this revolution training kicked off. Caine swears it wasn’t him. I believe him because I’m pretty certain it was Lumina. I’d brought her and the other three with me to that first meeting. Mary ditto had brought along Jasper. When we left Riki and Tiki were cleaning Lumina’s paws and she looked very self-satisfied. Even more so than usual. Meanwhile Jasper had been out like a light. Caine had to carry him.