The Diary of a Nobody

by George Grossmith

  CHAPTER XV

  Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes us for a drive, which we don’tenjoy. Lupin introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh.

  FEBRUARY 8.—It does seem hard I cannot get good sausages for breakfast.They are either full of bread or spice, or are as red as beef. Stillanxious about the £20 I invested last week by Lupin’s advice. However,Cummings has done the same.

  FEBRUARY 9.—Exactly a fortnight has passed, and I have neither seen norheard from Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking us roundto his house, and then being out. In the evening Carrie was engagedmarking a half-dozen new collars I had purchased. I’ll back Carrie’smarking against anybody’s. While I was drying them at the fire, andCarrie was rebuking me for scorching them, Cummings came in.

  He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the collars. Iasked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he replied that he had not. Isaid I should not have believed that Gowing could have acted in such anungentlemanly manner. Cummings said: “You are mild in your descriptionof him; I think he has acted like a cad.”

  The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, andGowing, putting in his head, said: “May I come in?” I said: “Certainly.”Carrie said very pointedly: “Well, you _are_ a stranger.” Gowing said:“Yes, I’ve been on and off to Croydon during the last fortnight.” Icould see Cummings was boiling over, and eventually he tackled Gowingvery strongly respecting his conduct last Saturday week. Gowing appearedsurprised, and said: “Why, I posted a letter to you in the morningannouncing that the party was ‘off, very much off.’” I said: “I nevergot it.” Gowing, turning to Carrie, said: “I suppose letters sometimes_miscarry_, don’t they, _Mrs._ Carrie?” Cummings sharply said: “This isnot a time for joking. I had no notice of the party being put off.”Gowing replied: “I told Pooter in my note to tell you, as I was in ahurry. However, I’ll inquire at the post-office, and we must meet againat my place.” I added that I hoped he would be present at the nextmeeting. Carrie roared at this, and even Cummings could not helplaughing.

  FEBRUARY 10, Sunday.—Contrary to my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupin topersuade her to take her for a drive in the afternoon in his trap. Iquite disapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not like to trustCarrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too. Lupin said: “Now, thatis nice of you, Guv., but you won’t mind sitting on the back-seat of thecart?”

  Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles too largefor him. Carrie said it wanted taking in considerably at the back.Lupin said: “Haven’t you seen a box-coat before? You can’t drive inanything else.”

  He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive with himagain. His conduct was shocking. When we passed Highgate Archway, hetried to pass everything and everybody. He shouted to respectable peoplewho were walking quietly in the road to get out of the way; he flicked atthe horse of an old man who was riding, causing it to rear; and, as I hadto ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang of roughs in adonkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and who turned and followed us fornearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in coarse jokes and laughter, to saynothing of occasionally pelting us with orange-peel.

  Lupin’s excuse—that the Prince of Wales would have to put up with thesame sort of thing if he drove to the Derby—was of little consolation toeither Carrie or myself. Frank Mutlar called in the evening, and Lupinwent out with him.

  FEBRUARY 11.—Feeling a little concerned about Lupin, I mustered upcourage to speak to Mr. Perkupp about him. Mr. Perkupp has always beenmost kind to me, so I told him everything, including yesterday’sadventure. Mr. Perkupp kindly replied: “There is no necessity for you tobe anxious, Mr. Pooter. It would be impossible for a son of such goodparents to turn out erroneously. Remember he is young, and will soon getolder. I wish we could find room for him in this firm.” The advice ofthis good man takes loads off my mind. In the evening Lupin came in.

  After our little supper, he said: “My dear parents, I have some news,which I fear will affect you considerably.” I felt a qualm come over me,and said nothing. Lupin then said: “It may distress you—in fact, I’msure it will—but this afternoon I have given up my pony and trap forever.” It may seem absurd, but I was so pleased, I immediately opened abottle of port. Gowing dropped in just in time, bringing with him alarge sheet, with a print of a tailless donkey, which he fastened againstthe wall. He then produced several separate tails, and we spent theremainder of the evening trying blindfolded to pin a tail on in theproper place. My sides positively ached with laughter when I went tobed.

  FEBRUARY 12.—In the evening I spoke to Lupin about his engagement withDaisy Mutlar. I asked if he had heard from her. He replied: “No; shepromised that old windbag of a father of hers that she would notcommunicate with me. I see Frank Mutlar, of course; in fact, he said hemight call again this evening.” Frank called, but said he could notstop, as he had a friend waiting outside for him, named Murray Posh,adding he was quite a swell. Carrie asked Frank to bring him in.

  He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time. Mr. Murray Posh wasa tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a very nervous disposition,as he subsequently confessed he would never go in a hansom cab, nor wouldhe enter a four-wheeler until the driver had first got on the box withhis reins in his hands.

  On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact, said: “Anyrelation to ‘Posh’s three-shilling hats’?” Mr. Posh replied: “Yes; butplease understand I don’t try on hats myself. I take no _active_ part inthe business.” I replied: “I wish I had a business like it.” Mr. Poshseemed pleased, and gave a long but most interesting history of theextraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheap hats.

  Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from the way hewas talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once, laughingly: “If youdon’t look out, Posh will cut you out!” When they had all gone, Ireferred to this flippant conversation; and Lupin said, sarcastically: “Aman who is jealous has no respect for himself. A man who would bejealous of an elephant like Murray Posh could only have a contempt forhimself. I know Daisy. She _would_ wait ten years for me, as I saidbefore; in fact, if necessary, _she would wait twenty years for me_.”