Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  Sometimes adults don’t get what they want—and sometimes they, too, have temper tantrums! When anyone, child or adult, learns to deal with disappointment and setbacks, that person is more likely to develop resilience. The more confidence you have in your decision, whatever that decision may be, the easier it will be for your child to recover from the disappointment of not getting her way.

  It is important to remember that children do not always know what is best for them. The baby bird does not enjoy being pushed out of the nest, but the mother bird knows it is essential. Bedtime struggles are common. Families do survive them, however. Bedtime brings up difficult issues for many reasons, but we are confident that with a little thought and planning, you can discover a process that works for you and for your child.

  Bedtime ABC’s

  Acceptance. Accept your child’s limitations and your own.

  • Have faith in your child and confidence in yourself.

  • Accept that a child’s resistance does not make an adult’s choice wrong.

  • Be aware of a child’s developmental abilities; be sure your expectations are reasonable.

  • Concede that you cannot make your child sleep—that’s his responsibility.

  Balance. Maintain a balance between your child’s needs and the needs of the rest of the family.

  • Provide plenty of love and attachment opportunities during the day to balance the need for independence and sleep at night.

  • Acknowledge your fears and needs, including your need for rest.

  • Balance your child’s needs with the needs of all family members.

  • Create a restful environment that is comfortable, safe, and secure.

  Consistency. Yours will lead to your child’s.

  • Allow time for each child to prepare for the transition to bedtime.

  • Be consistent: maintain routines and follow through on agreements.

  • Create a bedtime routine that progresses toward that final tuck-in time.

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. Do you know what sort of environment helps your child feel comfortable enough to fall asleep? If not, give some thought to what might help him feel safe, secure, and cozy, whether or not it’s what you would choose.

  2. What are your typical challenges in getting your child to sleep? Can you resolve them by setting a consistent bedtime and by establishing a bedtime routine? What would “kind and firm” look like in putting your child to bed?

  3. Create a bedtime routine chart with your child. Does your child respond well to the routine? Does the routine need some “tweaking” in order to work more smoothly?

  1 Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2007).

  2 www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/pages/AAP-Expands-Guidelines-for-Infant-Sleep-Safety-and-SIDS-Risk-Reduction.aspx.

  14

  “OPEN WIDE … PLEASE?”

  Your Toddler and Eating

  Food is not only something we humans need to survive, but something most of us enjoy. (In fact, some of us enjoy it a bit too much!) So why do mealtimes become such a struggle for the parents of so many toddlers?

  Eating is a process entirely controlled by the person doing it. Even if you manage to squeeze, poke, or slide a bit of unwanted food between your child’s lips, can you make him chew it? Swallow it? If you’ve ever tried, you undoubtedly know the answer. Let’s explore when and why the battles begin.

  Eating begins when you offer an infant a bottle or the breast. Adults often argue over which is better. We encourage every mother to get information about the advantages and/or disadvantages of both methods and then to choose the one with which she feels more comfortable. Your confidence is the key. A confident mother is better able to foster a sense of trust in her baby. Either choice, bottle or breast, can supply the nurturing (and nutrition) an infant needs.

  Babies are programmed by nature and their own reflexes to suck for nourishment and comfort, and they usually want to eat frequently. The ongoing debate about feeding in the first months of life centers on breast-feeding, bottles, and formula. Not too many years ago, many doctors discouraged breast-feeding because formula, the product of science, was believed to be better. Now we understand that babies benefit in many ways from their mother’s milk. Whichever choice you make, however, adapting to your baby’s needs can be challenging.

  LISTENING TO YOUR OWN HEART

  You may remember Jane’s story about nursing from Chapter 1. Another mom tells this story—with a very different nursing outcome. She, too, had to listen to her heart:

  Barbara had nursed her first child for three months but the experience had been difficult, not because of the nursing itself (which Barbara loved) but because of its inadvertent effect on her own health. Barbara had taken a daily medication for years, one that helped her to maintain her health, but she had discontinued it during the months of pregnancy and nursing. The result was that her health began to deteriorate, making it even more stressful to take care of her young baby.

  When Barbara became pregnant with her second child, she made the decision to nurse him only a week or two before switching him to formula. Barbara then was able to resume her medication sooner, ensuring her own health needs were met. She felt healthier and had more energy to care for her newborn son as well as her older child, who was now a toddler.

  As Barbara’s story illustrates, each parent must weigh the needs of all family members, including his or her own. Barbara was able to go several months without her medication, but others may not have this option. There are lots of possibilities, but no “right” choice that will work for all. Although we encourage breast-feeding for its many nutritional and emotional benefits, it is not mandatory. Many emotionally and physically healthy babies have been raised on formula and baby food. When you have knowledge about and have considered all of the choices with care, you will feel confident in whatever you decide.

  Pulling Hair While Nursing

  Q: I know my eight-month-old daughter is too young for much active discipline, but I’m concerned that her roughness will become a habit and I won’t be able to alter it in the future. She’s extremely active, energetic, and highly sensitive. She has been tugging and yanking my hair for a few weeks now, usually when nursing. I’ve tried taking hold of her arm and demonstrating how to be “gentle” (while reinforcing the idea with words) over and over, but I don’t seem to be making any progress. Our poor cats are at their wits’ end, as she yanks on them, too! Do you have any ideas or is it too early to worry about this sort of thing?

  A: Young children don’t understand “no” the way you think they should. Knowing this will help you understand why supervision and distraction (over and over) are about the only things that are effective at this age. If your cats are nearby, you need to supervise to protect them, and to prevent scratches and bites. When she pulls your hair while nursing, immediately (kindly and firmly) remove her from your breast and wait about a minute before nursing again. She may cry for that minute, but children at this age learn more from kind and firm action than from words. If she is hungry, she will learn that you will stop nursing when she pulls your hair. An even simpler solution might be to tie your hair back while you nurse.

  INTRODUCING SOLID FOODS AND SUPPLEMENTAL BOTTLES

  Eventually, all children are ready to be weaned from the bottle or breast and to move on to other foods. Jane continues with her own experience:

  Introducing solid foods to Lisa was easy. When she was seven months old, we occasionally offered her some mashed banana or mashed potato. I might blend other fruits or vegetables in a blender with some liquid. I say “might” because sometimes we did and sometimes we didn’t. We didn’t feel any pressure, because we knew she was getting all she needed from breast milk during the first year. We saved a fortune (at least, it seemed like a fortune to us) on formula and baby food. By the time she was one year old, she could eat many of the foods we cooked for our own meals if we mashed, chopped, or blended the
m for her to eat.

  Babies often thrive on nursing for the first year. If you plan to be away from your baby, however (and an occasional night away is good for your own mental and emotional health, as well as your partner’s), it is easier if she is comfortable taking a bottle.

  Lactation specialists often suggest expressing (that is, pumping) breast milk into a bottle and freezing it so it is available when a mother needs to be away from her baby. This can allow Dad the opportunity to take turns with night feedings or other much-needed “mommy breaks.” Expressing breast milk also makes it possible for nursing to continue when a mother returns to work and must place her child with a caregiver. With time and practice, parents will learn to gauge the needs of their baby. Some babies do well on a combination of nursing, formula, and solids; some babies never need anything but breast milk. Babies, like adults, are unique individuals. Patience and a bit of trial and error will help you learn your baby’s requirements.

  WEANING

  Somewhere between the tenth and twelfth months, many babies lose interest in nursing (or in taking a bottle). Some mothers ignore the signs and push the bottle or breast at the baby until they give in and start taking it again. Mothers do this for one of several reasons: (1) They are not aware that a loss of interest during this window of time may be a natural phenomenon that indicates a readiness for weaning; (2) They sometimes want their babies to continue nursing or to keep taking a bottle to prolong this special time of closeness; or (3) It is an easy way to calm them when they are fussy, or to help them to go to sleep.

  Many mothers believe weaning can’t be that easy, but it can be if they are willing to watch for the signs of readiness in their babies. Keeping babies on the bottle or breast after they are ready to stop may squelch the first blossoming of their sense of autonomy. It is important to realize that once the window of readiness to wean passes, nursing or taking a bottle may become a habit instead of a need, making weaning harder in the long run. (This distinction between habit and need can help adults determine timing in many areas of development, not just nursing.) Still, missing this opportunity for weaning isn’t a traumatic, life-damaging experience.

  It is important to note that some cultures deliberately extend nursing to promote values different than those of independence or autonomy. In other cultures, nursing provides the only reliable source of nutrition. Some people advocate nursing children for five or more years. This may feel right for some, but we also want to encourage parents who are miserable with extended nursing to do what is right for them.

  Become educated and aware before you decide what works for you and your baby, then follow your heart. La Leche League and other groups encourage nursing for as long as it feels right for the mother and her child. If you decide you want to nurse for an extended period of time, La Leche League offers classes and support.

  WEANING IS DIFFICULT

  Weaning is part of the larger, lifelong process of letting go, and is vital to helping children develop their full potential. Weaning (and letting go) should not be confused with abandonment. Children need a lot of loving support during the weaning process. When parents let go with love at developmentally appropriate times, children are encouraged to trust, to learn confidence, and to develop a sense of healthy self-worth.

  Betty’s son, Ben, began preschool at age two and a half. He proudly carried his own lunch box to school with him. But his bravado turned to dismay when snack time came. He wanted his bottle, while everyone else was using a cup. Ben’s teacher soon realized the cause of his tearful whimpering. That afternoon, she spent some time discussing the situation with Betty. They agreed to allow Ben to use a bottle when he sat at the snack table and when he was lying down for his nap, but the rest of the time the bottle would be kept in the refrigerator. Also, the bottle would contain only water. This plan was relayed to Ben. At the same time, Betty decided to limit the contents of Ben’s bottles at home to water. She chose not to reduce their availability, allowing him to use the bottle with fewer restrictions at home.

  Several times over the next week, Ben tested his teacher to see if she would give him his bottle at other times of the day. The teacher was sympathetic, offered to hold or hug Ben if he wished, and reassured him that he could have his bottle at snack or rest time but held firm to the plan she had made with Betty. By the second week, Ben stopped asking for his bottle throughout the day. Within the month, he had lost interest in the bottle at other times as well.

  Ben continued to use his bottle at home. When Betty saw how successfully the plan at school had worked, she set similar limits at home. After another week or two, she happily gathered up the forgotten bottles and packed them off to a community welfare program serving infants.

  Betty and Ben’s teacher used a gradual approach to weaning. Betty could have just refused to bring in any bottles, but Ben, his teacher, and his classmates might have had a much more stressful few weeks. In the end, Ben would have given up his bottle either way. Being firm does not mean that “cold turkey” is the only way to break lingering habits.

  AVOIDING FOOD FIGHTS

  “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you won’t get any dessert!” “If you don’t eat your oatmeal for breakfast, you’ll get it for lunch!” “You are going to sit there and eat until you finish your dinner if it takes all night!”

  These phrases are familiar to many parents, who seem to believe they can make a child eat, but we have seen just as many kids demonstrate that you can’t make them eat. We’ve known children to throw up, sneak food to the dog, glare at the oatmeal through breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and sit there all night (as one of the authors did with her lima beans)—or at least until the parent gives up in despair.

  As you’ve seen, insisting on a particular course of action or behavior is an invitation for most toddlers to engage in a power struggle. It may also be helpful to realize that it isn’t usually necessary to force exact quantities of healthy foods down your child’s throat. Unless he suffers from a metabolic disorder or requires a special medical diet, many pediatricians believe a young child will tend to choose, over time, the foods his body requires, although this may not happen in one meal or even one day. A parent’s task is to prepare and present healthy, nutritious foods; it is a child’s task to chew and swallow. Of course, it doesn’t hurt to include foods you know your child likes as well.

  INVITING COOPERATION AT MEALTIMES

  People who live anywhere food is scarce are unlikely to battle about menu choices or complain about picky eaters. A family with six mouths to feed does not have time or energy to worry about what color cup Angie’s milk is served in, or whether little Yelena ate enough mashed carrots. The bigger worry is if there is enough food to go around. When children don’t get any mileage out of being picky or resistant, they eat what is available or go hungry. (And, we suspect, “hungry” is relative: few children whose parents are reading this book are likely to starve anytime soon.)

  For many of us, the challenge is not too little food but too much. Snacks abound, portion sizes are far larger than necessary for health, and sugar and fat content reach unhealthy levels. It is easy to lose sight of the simplicity of eating. Some parents have been so thoroughly hooked by their demanding children that they prepare two or three different meals for dinner.

  Have children really gotten pickier? No; children do what “works.” If refusing to eat what Dad puts on the table gets them the meal of their choice (and the feeling of power or sustained attention that goes along with it), they’ll continue to refuse family meals, harried parents will continue to prepare alternatives, and no one will enjoy mealtimes. There are, however, any number of ways to invite cooperation and harmony at the table. As with so many other issues in early childhood, parents can decide what they will do, give up the notion of control, remain kind and firm—and teach children to be responsible, cooperative, and capable.

  “Sounds too good to be true,” you may be thinking, “but he won’t get enough nutrients.” There is n
o one magic answer to mealtime hassles. Children (like adults) sometimes just aren’t hungry. Their food preferences change over time (and may not match yours), and they may not always want to eat on your schedule. Still, some of the following suggestions and ideas may help you keep food from becoming a fight in your family.

  • Don’t force-feed. Insisting that children eat particular foods in particular quantities at particular times will only create power struggles—and most parents of toddlers find they have lots of those already! If your baby spits food at you, it may be a clue that she’s had enough. Don’t insist on feeding more; get a sponge and let her help mop up the mess.

  • Presentation counts, even for little ones. Good nutrition is important, but distasteful foods can sometimes be offered in tasty ways. Rather than forcing your child to stare at the soft-boiled egg congealing on his plate, serve eggs by including them in a slice of French toast or a cheese-filled omelet. Include extra fruits and vegetables by pureeing and adding them to milk or yogurt, or blend and strain soups so that they can be sipped from cups. Serve healthy meals. Include a variety of new foods as well as familiar ones you know your toddler likes, and then relax with the reassurance that even if he doesn’t eat everything, whatever he does eat will be nourishing. (Tip: One easy way to ensure you are offering a balanced variety is to serve foods that are different in color, such as slices of red-skinned apples, bright green peas, and sunny-orange sweet potatoes and carrot sticks.)