Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  • Learn your child’s needs and preferences. Your little one may have no trouble eating on a regular schedule, but some children do better eating small amounts of food throughout the day. You and your toddler may feel better about her eating if you allow her to do what feels natural. If your child is a snacker, make healthy snacks available. One family set aside a kitchen drawer for their little snacker. Whenever Patrick felt hungry, he could go to “Patrick’s drawer” and eat anything he found there. Patrick’s mother kept the drawer stocked with crackers, pretzels, raisins or other dried fruits, and small bags of granola. Patrick loved to see what turned up each day in his drawer, and his mother enjoyed not arguing about meals. As long as your child is gaining the appropriate amount of weight and growing (well-child checkups are a must), he is probably doing just fine.

  • Pay attention to the labels on foods. There are a surprising number of hidden sugars and fats in the prepared foods young children love (breakfast cereals are a prime example), and too much sugar can wreak havoc with a child’s appetite for nutritious food. Balance is the key. Your child needs a certain amount of fat to grow and be healthy, so the low-fat, low-sodium diet you may be following yourself is not a good idea for her; nor is it necessary to always substitute carrot sticks for holiday candies and treats. Don’t be afraid to serve the same favorites over and over again; children aren’t usually as fond of variety as their parents are. But do continue to offer new foods as well. In fact, one way to get a suspicious eater to try new foods is to serve the “strange” item often. The food becomes familiar and children may be more willing to sample it. Your pediatrician can answer your questions about specific foods, and help you feel confident that your child is healthy and growing.

  • Use mealtimes to invite contribution. While toddlers may resist force, they usually enjoy being invited to help in the kitchen. Even young children can place napkins on the table, rinse lettuce for a salad, or place slices of cheese on hamburger buns. Children are almost always more competent and capable than adults think they are. We know two-year-olds who spread peanut butter on crackers and help stir together muffin recipes (with child-safe utensils and a parent’s close supervision, of course).

  Teach children how to make simple sandwiches or spread beans and cheese on a tortilla. Include them in the planning and preparation of meals. If an older toddler doesn’t want to eat what is on the table or complains about a meal, simply ask, “What can you do about that?” Then, without making a fuss, sighing, or rolling your eyes, let him choose to prepare the crackers, sandwich, or tortilla he has learned how to make.

  Inviting your child to help plan meals, choose ingredients at the grocery store (“Can you find the yellow bananas we need for your pudding?”), dish up servings, and help in the kitchen will not only take some of the struggle out of eating but will help you create a more resourceful, confident child.

  • Be patient. Most children change their eating habits over time, and the toddler who turns up his nose at broccoli today may well love it next month. This miracle usually happens a great deal sooner if parents aren’t shouting, lecturing, and pushing.1 Be patient; offer new foods occasionally, but don’t insist. Enjoy mealtimes as an opportunity to gather your family together and share one another’s company. In other words, relax a bit. This, too, shall pass!

  SPECIAL DIETS

  Over the years, food-related allergies have increased worldwide. Some attribute this to the ways in which food and farming methods have been modified, others to environmental changes. Whatever the cause, helping a child maintain a restricted diet without feeling restricted is challenging. The cooperative focus of Positive Discipline is especially helpful for challenges with eating. Allowing a child to feel empowered and to participate in meeting his own needs is helpful, and can even enhance his developing sense of capability.

  A child who cannot eat gluten can still go to a birthday party with a gluten-free cupcake, frosted in the yellow frosting she chose and helped to stir. When the party cake is cut, she has her own satisfying treat. Carrying a supply of cut-up veggies or suitable crackers for a child unable to eat nuts or soy products reduces the number of times she must be told that she can’t have the treats others are having. Explaining to her that her tummy needs special foods to help her grow will help gain her cooperation and make the process easier. Instead of saying, “No, you can’t have those cookies,” you can say, “Here is your special snack.” Over time, this kind of advance planning will come to feel automatic for both of you. Supplying an egg-free pumpkin pie at the family’s Thanksgiving meal makes it possible for a child to eat his food alongside others, without feeling left out or deprived.

  THE MEDIA AND THE BATTLE AGAINST UNHEALTHY FOODS

  One of the real challenges parents face is that of advertising targeted toward children, in particular the promotion of foods that are either unhealthy or low in nutritional value. The Institute of Medicine, a well-regarded scientific advisory body, has linked television advertising to obesity in children under the age of twelve.2 The simplest way for parents to prevent unhealthy media influence is to shield a child from such advertising by simply turning off the television.

  You can also resist buying unhealthy foods, especially when they are associated with a cartoon or media character. Nutrition, even for a “picky” eater, will be of less concern if all of the foods available to him are nutritious and food doesn’t become a way to acquire toys or satisfy a playtime urge. Fast-food chains advertise to children for a reason: they want to create a “need” for the high-fat, high-salt, and high-sugar products they sell. However, such foods are not needs, and you should consider the long-term consequences carefully before beginning a habit you may later regret.

  Here are some additional suggestions for ways to protect your child and encourage the development of healthy eating habits. First, model healthy eating yourself. It is hard to convince your child that she shouldn’t eat high-fat chips or sugar-laden candy when she sees you polishing off a bag of nacho cheese crisps or eating chocolate bars. She will want to eat what you do, especially if it’s sweet or salty.

  You can also contact manufacturers by sending letters and e-mail when you disapprove of inappropriate foods being marketed to young children or identified with popular entertainment figures. Complain to the manager of the restaurant that offers only high-fat choices such as french fries or macaroni and cheese on the “children’s menu,” with no healthy alternatives available. Businesses want to sell their products and when customers question those products, they listen.

  Positive Discipline includes encouraging the self-discipline you want your children to develop, and food and eating habits play a large role in this. Sadly, today’s children may have shorter life spans than their parents, at least in part because of their eating habits. Prevention of poor eating habits and future obesity are important goals with long-term consequences for your child’s health, ones that you can promote through your actions, awareness, and thoughtful consumer choices. Don’t forget to encourage healthy exercise, even for toddlers. Today’s children are far more sedentary than earlier generations, which does not improve their health—or their appetite.

  Learning that you “can’t make ’em do it” takes most parents until their children are well into adolescence—and sometimes even beyond. Eventually, children will have to manage their own eating habits. They will need to know what constitutes a healthy diet, how much to eat and at what time, and when to stop. Parents can allow their children to explore these concepts right from the beginning by inviting them to participate in the process of meal planning, shopping, and cooking, acting as guides and teachers rather than enforcers. Mistakes, as we have said so often, are opportunities to learn—for parents and for children. Life with energetic young children will hold lots of challenges; mealtimes don’t have to be among them.

  MORE THAN FOOD

  Meals are much more than food. They provide a time and place for families to connect, and can introduce the important
cultural or family traditions you hope to pass along to your children. One of the best ways to prevent behavior problems, especially as children grow older, is by having regular family meals where there is time to talk together, to listen, and to connect with those you love. Because of these vital larger roles, making mealtimes pleasant is important. Your special rituals and traditions—holding hands before eating, offering a prayer, or sharing something you are grateful for—will enrich your time together.

  When you make mealtime an opportunity to come together, not just to share food but to share your lives as a family, you will feed both bodies and spirits.

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. Keep a chart of what your toddler eats over the course of a day or several days. What do you notice? Are you surprised at how balanced his diet really is? Is he getting a good part of his daily nutrition between meals, through healthy snacks?

  2. Identify which nutrients seem to be missing from your list. If snacks are a major source of nutrition, make sure snacks are as nutritious as possible.

  3. What snack foods are not providing important nutrients? What might replace them? Add healthy choices and reduce the unhealthy options. Make this transition gradual. (Tip: Offer cut-up carrots or unsweetened dried fruit as snacks, instead of sugary gummy bears or high-fat chips.) Decide on two or three ways to incorporate missing nutrients into your child’s diet without fighting over specific foods. (Tip: To add vegetables, consider adding mashed carrots or sweet potato to spaghetti sauce, or stirring them into a macaroni and cheese dish.)

  4. Make a list of your ideas and try a different one each week. Keep the list in the kitchen for quick and easy reference.

  5. Relax. Feel confident that what your child is eating will provide appropriate and adequate nourishment, no matter when she eats it. Focus on making mealtimes opportunities for connection and enjoyment.

  1 Bread and Jam for Frances, by Russell Hoban (New York: HarperCollins, 1993), is a fun book to read with your child. Use it to begin conversations about food, as well as to remind yourself to avoid turning mealtime into fight time.

  2 www.iom.edu/Reports/2011/Early-Childhood-Obesity-Prevention-Policies/Recommendations.aspx.

  15

  TOILETING

  “It’s My Job, Not Yours”

  The struggles parents encounter with sleeping and eating pale in significance when we move to a discussion of toileting. No other topic in the world of raising young children arouses such strong emotions, it seems, as potty training.

  The issue of toilet training has been blown out of proportion in our society. It can be the origin of feelings of guilt and shame, power struggles, and competition between parents. But here’s the truth: Even if parents didn’t worry about it at all, children would still become toilet trained in due time just because they would eventually want to do what everyone else does. It is adults who create the power struggles that sometimes make it more important for children to “win” than to “cooperate” (which may feel like losing to them).

  Paula took a great deal of pride in the fact that her first child was using the toilet at the age of eighteen months. She was so pleased, in fact, that she thought about writing a book about toilet training to help other, less fortunate families. Before she could get around to it, however, her second child was born. Much to Paula’s surprise, this child wanted nothing to do with her prizewinning toilet training techniques. In fact, despite being placed on the potty for long periods of time, this child was almost three years old before the “training” worked.

  So much for genius. The reality is that children will use the toilet when they are ready to do so. You can cheer, beg, and threaten, but hang on to your diapers. Each child has his or her own unique schedule—and absolute control. What can parents do to set the stage for this important developmental milestone?

  READINESS

  Perhaps the real question is who is ready for toilet training. Is it you? Are you ready to be done with diapers? Are you feeling pressure from the neighbors who claim their eighteen-month-old is already potty trained? And who is actually training whom?

  If you could observe closely in most homes where parents claim their toddlers are trained, you might notice that it is the parents who are trained. They watch the clock and take their little ones to the potty chair—usually offering candy bribes and stars on charts for a tinkle or poop in the potty. They monitor how much their children can drink—especially before bedtime. Many wake their toddlers up in the middle of the night and prop them, half asleep, in front of the toilet and turn on the sink faucet in hopes that the sound of running water will coax some fluid from their sleepy ones.

  So, when are toddlers ready for toilet training? There is no precise age at which children are ready to use the potty. Few children master control before eighteen months, while most do so by age four. Complete nighttime success can take slightly longer and still be within the typical developmental range. When children are truly ready, the process often takes only a few days or weeks. Physical readiness, emotional readiness, and environmental opportunities set children up for success.

  PHYSICAL READINESS

  Children give us a number of clues when they are physically ready to begin toilet training. Observe your child’s behavior and ask yourself the following questions: Do long periods elapse between your child’s diaper changes? Is her diaper dry after naptime? Does she stop what she is doing and get a look of concentration on her face when she wets herself? Does she demonstrate discomfort when her diaper is wet?

  These things indicate increasing bladder capacity and awareness, and mean that your child is becoming more able to connect her physical sensations with the need to use the toilet. As children acquire language and become more self-aware, they often show increased interest in their own bodies—especially the “private parts” responsible for elimination. You can talk comfortably with them while changing diapers or dressing about what these parts do, and how eventually they will use the toilet rather than diapers.

  Children with regular bowel movements experience early success when their parents or caregivers tune in to those rhythms. As we have mentioned, however, adults are often more “trained” than the child. Many parents know their child’s patterns or facial clues and train themselves to put the child on the potty in time to catch the droppings in the toilet. This is one approach that helps a child become aware of her behavior and know what to do in response. After all, nothing succeeds like success.

  Remember that every child is different. In one family, Mom and Dad became very familiar with the different physical capacities of their three children. When driving in the car, Mom and Dad knew they had about twenty minutes to find a place to stop when Kenny said he needed to use the bathroom. If Lisa needed the bathroom, they had about ten minutes. If Brad said he needed to “go,” they immediately pulled off the road and hoped a bush was nearby.

  EMOTIONAL READINESS

  Q: I have a son who needs to be potty trained. He turned three years old two months ago. He does not like to use the potty. He does not show me signs when he has to go, but he will tell me when to change him. Please, I need some advice!

  A: It does not take great intuition to recognize your desperation. It is hard to keep changing diapers as children grow older. Your son’s reasons for not using the potty are probably magnified by your own discouragement. Take heart. He will succeed, but it may take more patience than you think you have. (Does it help to know that he probably won’t still be wearing diapers when he goes to college?)

  Here are some ideas to keep in mind:

  • Try to de-emphasize the whole issue. When parents insist on a certain behavior, children (who are hard at work developing a sense of autonomy) may resist. Power struggles usually ensue. Remaining calm and kind and refusing to argue over using the toilet will ease the process for everyone concerned.

  • Sometimes a discussion of safety regarding the flushing toilet eases a child’s mind. Help him see that he is too big to fall through t
he toilet seat; allow him to flush the toilet to reassure himself that he is in control of this powerful, gulping monster; and reassure him that nothing scary will happen to him. Of course, using a small potty chair avoids this problem altogether for a while.

  • Don’t become so focused on the bathroom that you lose your ability to enjoy the other parts of your lives together. Express your confidence in him; tell him that you know he will manage using the potty successfully one day. He, too, needs encouragement.

  • There are many ways to set the stage emotionally for successful potty training. Toddlers often dislike having to lie still while being changed. Use this time to talk to your child, engaging her interest and thereby distracting her attention. Consider hanging a toy above the changing area, using a strip of elastic. Your child can swat, reach for, and handle the toy while she is being changed. This sort of distraction creates a more cooperative atmosphere, avoiding emotional resistance later on when potty training begins. Hang a musical mobile above the area or tape a fun picture on the ceiling. Changing these items every so often sustains children’s interest. Another possibility is to change diapers while your child stands up. We have watched mothers do this with amazing skill and swiftness—even for poopy diapers.

  • As your child matures, invite him to help with the job by handing you supplies, holding the clean diaper in readiness, or laying out the changing mat. This increases opportunities to develop autonomy and sends the message that you believe your child is competent and capable. When he needs to be changed, show him ways he can help out. He can wash or wipe himself off, help empty the stool into the toilet bowl, and practice washing his own hands afterward. Encouraging his participation also invites cooperation, an important ingredient for success.