Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  Sally said, “You organics get so much pleasure out of your eating.”

  I replied, “We get our jollies where we can, Ma’am.”

  We all headed down the passage to launch bay two. Diego and Bill had moved the Gig out ready to be launched. They were standing, waiting when I came into the launching bay. They snapped to and saluted. I returned the salute, and Diego said, “She’s a fine ship, Sir. Fly safe.”

  I replied, “Scotti is responsible for the design. I didn’t even know it was being built until I saw it completed. I just get to enjoy the results.” They took off, and we boarded Ozzie’s Toy. I was almost aboard, when I realized we were short a couple of people. I said, “Gene, please page Mrs. Sloan and Janet to launch bay two.”

  Gene replied, “Already did, Boss. They should be there any time now.”

  “Thanks, Gene.” I saw them coming on deck, and gestured them aboard, saying, “John’s making supper, we don’t want to be late.”

  Dee replied, “That probably means he bought steaks and started the fire. You’ll get to put them on when we get there.”

  Janet said, “More Captain cooking? Does that mean I have to help?”

  I replied, “Maybe we got lucky, and he traded a bag of garlic to Farts-Like-Skunk for some fresh venison. He could have made his venison stew.”

  Dee said, “You don’t even believe that, Bob. Why are you trying to get us to?”

  “I dunno, seemed like the thing to do, at the time.”

  We strapped in, and Dingus got a full-power cat shot from Gene. How he had beaten Nikki to the command seat, I don’t know, but he was having fun with it. Scotti came over the comm. “Ozzie’s Toy, would you like me to launch a few fighters for you to play with?”

  Dingus replied, “No time today, Scotti, but thanks for the offer.”

  Scotti said, “Fly safe, Mr. Sloan.”

  “And you, Scotti.” Dingus pointed us toward Earth. Nikki said, “Grandpa, I have a drive signature slightly off our flight path, running no transponder.”

  Dingus asked, “Okay if we have a closer look, Bob?”

  I said, “The drives on this boat are shielded, go ahead. Just stay out of stunner range and tell the folks back on the Gene what you’re up to.”

  Dingus asked, “Whatever happened to Bob-who-rushes-in?”

  I said, “You and Sally trained it out of me.”

  Dingus eased up on the unknown. He asked, “Nikki, what do you have for scans?”

  She replied, “Hang on one, Grandpa. I’m having to sync up with their tumble to get a reading. Now it’s coming in. Looks like three folks aboard. None of them appear conscious. I’m not sure why their transponder is out, but it looks like they are in trouble.”

  I said, “We can’t help them in this boat. I’ll get Ace out here to scoop them up.”

  I commed Scotti. “Yes, Boss? Is there a problem?”

  “I need Ace, and probably Ruth, in a freighter at my location as soon as you can do it. They’ll need Hopper, and whoever else Ace wants, plus medbots and Marines.”

  Scotti asked, “What did you find, Boss?”

  “A ship, running no transponder, tumbling like crazy. Everyone aboard appears to be unconscious. So far, that’s all we know. Once we have them aboard Gene, we can get some idea what happened.”

  Scotti said, “Your ship is away, and on its way.”

  I replied, “Nicely done, Scotti.”

  “Thanks, Boss. Need anything else?”

  I said, “Just set up a bay to receive these folks. Might not hurt to run a quarantine protocol on them. It could be they got sick and that’s how they wound up in such a sorry state.”

  Scotti said, “Understood. Ace should be arriving soon.”

  “Later, Scotti.” A freighter appeared from FTL, and immediately started matching the tumble of our unknown friend. My comm rang. Ruth’s voice said, “Hiya, Boss. Thought you were headed back home to goof off some more.”

  I replied, “So did I. These folks looked like they could use a little help, though.”

  Ruth replied, “We’ll see what we can do, Boss.”

  Dingus asked, “Mind if we stay and watch, Bob?”

  I said, “Gee, Dingus, I was gonna ask you that.” It took Ruth a few tries to get lined up on their tumble. I was pretty sure Nikki could have done it quicker, but I wasn’t about to say anything. Ruth came back over the comm when she finished easing the ship aboard. “The scanner says these folks need the autodoc bad, Boss. We’re out of here as soon as we get their ship secured.”

  I replied, “Fly safe, Ruth.” We watched as the Marines tightened down cargo straps, while the ramp went up. Once it closed, Ruth killed the tumble and went straight to FTL.

  Dingus said, “You’ve got a whale of a team, Bob. That ship was far enough out of control the Guide would have let it go.”

  I answered, “I’m just wondering what in the world they were doing way out here, with no transponder. I can’t see a way you get in that situation, while still having good intent.”

  Janet said, “Andre and his fellas will make sure nothing bad happens, Captain. No need to worry about the Gene.”

  I replied, “Silly as it sounds, I’m more worried about them having bounties. Major Rottum said he’s out of bounty money. I’d hate to have to get acquainted with a whole new Patrol base, just to get them where they need to go.”

  Dingus said, “Don’t worry about that. There’s a little used clause in the Guide charter that lets them pay bounties, if the Patrol is unwilling, or unable. The folks at the nearest Guide base still think you’re some kind of hero for fixing the teaching machine.”

  Janet asked, “Why would they be so much more excited about that than the Patrol?”

  Nikki said, “Guide work requires more training than Patrol work. You need more knowledge to be out beyond the edge of civilization on your own. Patrol always works in teams, so not everyone needs to know everything.”

  Janet asked, “But you were just guiding a student expedition to Earth. That’s not so wild and scary, is it?”

  Nikki replied, “I was trying to build up my reputation, so that I could get a job on one of the long-range missions into the unknown. You have to show you can handle the little things, before you get trusted with the big things.”

  Janet said, “That makes sense.”

  I asked, “If the Guide does long-range explorations, why haven’t they ever sent anybody out toward where Taz and Willum are?”

  Dingus said, “I don’t know. It was always a standing order to only send explorations out the other way. It’s been in place so long, nobody ever questions it.”

  Nikki said, “That’s not exactly true, Grandpa. There was a fellow in our class at the Academy who did. He got flunked out on a technicality not very long after, and nobody ever heard from him again.”

  I replied, “That sounds like somebody knows what we know, and is trying to keep it quiet.”

  Dee said, “It surely does, doesn’t it?”

  I said, “Let’s go have supper. We’re not going to figure this out sitting here.”

  Dingus headed us toward Earth again. We were almost there when my comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  Sally said, “Hi, Boss. We have IDs on those three people we got out of the tumbling saucer. They all have decent sized bounties. What would you like us to do? We already put straps on the autodocs, do you want us to keep them asleep till you get back?”

  I asked, “What did you find out about the ship they were flying?”

  Sally replied, “Insurance already paid out. I filed the salvage paperwork in the company’s name. Scotti and Zoom say that they could train monkeys to do better maintenance than that ship has received. They think they’ll have it up to snuff in a day or two.”

  I saw Nikki looking at me, and I had an idea. “Sally, once those three are fairly stable, load them up on a freighter, autodocs and all, and have Zoom and Diego fly them to the Guide base. Dingus says the Guide can pay bounties in cases
where the Patrol isn’t able. Might want to send a bot pilot with them, just in case they get preoccupied.”

  Sally answered, “Aye, Sir. Shack ‘em up and let them pretend they’re doing something useful.”

  I replied, “Have to keep the crew happy, don’t we?”

  Sally said, “Yes, Sir. Fly safe, Boss.”

  “You too, Sally.”

  Dingus said, “This thing is as fast in atmosphere as that car of yours, Granddaughter. I suppose we better not do any ion trails today, though.”

  Nikki said, “Probably best. Caveman says they draw way too much attention.”

  I replied, “You don’t think so, Space Cadet?”

  Nikki said, “I do, but it sure was fun playing with the Air Force.”

  I said, “If we stop to play, we’re going to be late for supper. How would the twins feel about that?”

  Nikki said, “You play dirty, Caveman.”

  Dingus brought us in over Canada, and soon enough settled in front of the barn. He said, “Oh, Captain, would you be so kind?” I got out and opened the doors. He turned it around and backed it in. Once he shut down, they all piled out. I asked, “Why did you feel the need to back in, Dingus?”

  He said, “That’ll be handier when the call out comes.”

  I said, “Okay, I’ll bite. What call out?”

  He asked, “You are Bob Wilson, right? You are trying to enjoy some downtime, right? How in blue blazes do you expect there to be no call out?”

  Nikki said, “He does have a point, Caveman.”

  I replied, “Good thing that Stetson covers it so well.”

  Dee asked, “Are you fussing about my pointy-headed Space Ranger, Bob? I’ll sic Janet on you.”

  I said, “Oh, no, not that! She put Diego in the autodoc.”

  Janet got embarrassed, and said, “That was an accident, Captain. I lost my concentration and got angry.”

  I said, “I know it was. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”

  Nikki said, “Remember that other thing I taught you? Now would be a good time.”

  Janet came at me, mischief in her eyes. Soon, I was the victim of a tickle attack. I was holding my own, until Nikki and Dee decided Janet needed help. Dingus decided that it wasn’t fair, and goosed Dee. They had their own match going after that. I was almost keeping up, until Snitz woke up and wandered out of the ship. He must have thought Nikki and Janet were trying to wake me up, because he came up and gave me a big ole ear lick. Seeing that, Nikki took pity on me, and called off Janet. I wrestled with Snitz for a bit, and then Nikki said, “We better get over to John’s, before it gets much later.” I locked the barn, and we piled into the vehicles to go to John’s. Dee, strangely, headed back toward their place, rather than toward John’s. We were almost halfway there, when she passed us. I noticed she was alone and figured out what was up. Sure enough, Dingus came around us next, with Dot up on one wheel. Once he was around us, he dropped down and took off. Janet asked, “Was that Mr. Sloan?”

  Nikki replied, “That’s my Grandpa!”

  Max said, “Yes, that’s my Dad.”

  Janet asked, “What was that thing he was riding?”

  I said, “A motorcycle. Topper painted it, and Ozzie did the power system. I don’t know if Taz did anything on it or not.”

  Janet asked, “What about Ruth?”

  I said, “That bike got built before we rescued Ruth.”

  Janet said, “She told me about that. She must have been lonesome, down there by herself.”

  I said, “That’s what you would think. We try to make her feel wanted, to help her get past it.”

  Janet replied, “She says you are the best Boss ever, because you rescued her and gave her back her memories.”

  “I get that a lot. I’m just trying to do right by the bots. They help me bunches, the least I can do is take care of them.”

  We pulled into John’s place, and Greg came running out. I got out and braced, expecting a flying hug. Greg faked, like he was going to see Janet, and I relaxed a little. Then he came back at me, full force. I caught him, and said, “You’re getting sneaky. Good for you!”

  Greg said, “I still didn’t fool you, Uncle Bob.”

  I replied, “Almost. Keep trying.” I put him down. He turned to Janet and said, “Hi, Janet. Did you get to go to the Patrol base?”

  She replied, “No, I stayed on the ship with Mrs. Sloan. We had fun, though.”

  Greg said, “That’s what you think. Wait till you have a ride on the back of Uncle Dingus’ motorsickle. That’s real fun!” Janet’s eyes got big. “He takes you for rides on that thing?”

  Greg said, “Not real fast or anything, but yeah. Once he even popped a wheelie while I was riding.”

  Janet asked, “Wheelie?”

  Greg said, “When he picks up the front wheel.”

  Janet replied, “Oh, I saw him do that on the way over. Weren’t you scared?”

  Greg said, “A little, but Uncle Dingus is very careful. My Mom saw us, though. She told him not to do that anymore.”

  Dingus came strolling out. He said, “So, what do you think, Janet? You want to go for a ride?”

  Janet looked a little unsure, but she said, “Okay, but none of those wheelie things. I’m not that brave.”

  As they walked off towards Dot, I gave Greg a Dutch rub and said, “That was nice of you, sharing your fun with Janet.”

  He said, “Mom said she needed some fun. She’s had a hard time, not like me and Rhonda, but she needs friends. I can’t do a lot, but I can be friends.”

  I told him, “You do fine, Squirt.” I threw him up on my shoulders and gave him a camel ride to the house. Jane was on the porch. She said, “John’s around back, Bob. What’s that ugly growth on your neck?”

  Greg said, “Moooom!”

  I said, “I don’t know for sure, but it seems to be friendly.”

  Jane replied, “Wait till he rips one that close to your head. You may rethink whether or not he’s friendly.”

  I asked, “You practicing to join up with the Brothers of the Wind, Squirt?”

  Greg said, “I thought it was People of the Wind, since Wet Bobcat joined.”

  I replied, “You’re right. My mistake.”

  Greg said, “I was there, Uncle Bob. It was her mistake. There are still two or three people who haven’t forgiven her for singeing their fur.”

  I replied, “There is that.” We arrived at the fire, and I put Greg down.

  John said, “I see you brought orneriness with you.”

  I said, “People expect orneriness when I’m around. It’s my day off. I’m just trying to meet expectations, without having to work too hard.”

  John replied, “Do you need me to order you some more of those contacts?”

  I said, “No. I’ve got plenty. Thanks, though.”

  Greg said, “You guys are silly. Uncle Bob doesn’t wear contacts. That’s just something Aunt Dee says.”

  I said, “He’s smarter than he looks.”

  John said, “’Bout have to be, wouldn’t he?”

  Greg said, “Daaaad!”

  John gave him a Dutch rub for that, and said, “I don’t get to kid you? When did that happen?”

  Greg said, “Of course you can kid me, Dad. You don’t expect me to just take it, do you?”

  John said, “No, I don’t suppose I do.”

  I asked, “So, what are we doing for supper?”

  John replied, “Susie marinated some steaks for me. She and Richard should be here anytime, and then we’ll start them grilling.”

  I said, “Susie marinated them? That’s better than I had even hoped for. We’re in for a treat.”

  Greg asked, “You’ve had her steaks before?”

  I said, “No, but it took armed guards to keep the Squatches out of that jerky we made, and that wasn’t even her best recipe. I have faith.”

  Richard came around the house carrying a big cooler. He asked, “Your fire is ready?”

  Jo
hn said, “Yep. I even have Bob to watch the steaks.”

  I said, “Now wait a minute, ain’t I supposed to at least get a beer out of this?”

  John said, “Go get your Uncle a beer. No sips.”

  Once Greg was gone, John said, “I think I’m going to wind up throwing him back in the box, if I can figure out how it fixes thirst. I’ve caught him a couple times sneaking a sip.”

  I asked, “You don’t think it could just be curiosity?”

  Richard said, “I was always curious about Dad’s whiskey, till he gave me a sip. Put me off the stuff for a good long time.”

  John said, “Jane says his biological Dad had a problem that way. I just can’t figure why the box didn’t take care of it while he was in.”

  I asked, “You don’t suppose it has something to do with him not having been through puberty yet?”

  John started fiddling with his watch. Richard said, “Uh-oh, Bob. You’ve got him thinking, now. Should we call Jane, or wait till the smoke comes out of his ears?”

  I said, “I think we’re better off to wait. He’s going to be bent at me anyhow, for getting in his doctor business.”

  Richard asked, “How do you mean?”

  I said, “Every time I come up with an idea to help him do his doctoring, he says I should stay with what I’m supposed to do and leave the doctoring to him.”

  Richard said, “But you’re the Captain, now. It’s your job to be in everybody’s business, isn’t it?”

  I replied, “I’d be willing to bet that’s not how he sees it.”

  John finished his research, and said, “Dangit, Bob! How do you do that? It does take a certain level of testosterone for the box to work on alcoholism.”

  I looked at Richard. “Told you he’d be wound.”

  Richard replied, “So you did. Sorry I doubted you.”

  I said, “Some things you have to see to believe.”

  John asked, “Are you two done making fun of me?”

  I replied, “For the moment, I guess.”

  “Good, I wanted to tell you about something Taz helped me find on the autodoc.”

  I said, “Taz? Let me guess, it can redo your facial features, so you can pass for someone else?”

  John replied, “Yes, but it takes several times in the box, and Taz says from what he remembers of people using it, it’s very painful, as your muscles get used to the new shape.”