Serenity (Forever Book 1)

by India R. Adams

  I. Can’t. Swallow.

  Are all my peers here to support us? Or do they feel the loss of one of the greatest lights this earth has ever known, as I do? I wonder if I should be angry that they’re too late to appreciate her. Then I think of Sky and how they cheered her at the party on the night she died. I thought she was teasing when she said they got it—understood her magical draw—with her precious smile. I guess she was right.

  In front of the area that will be Sky’s last home, one parking spot has been reserved for the Crew. As Josh slides my truck in, every set of eyes is on us. Meeting every stare, I realize, they know. These rumor-spreading, trash-talking young adults somehow know this world has just lost an incredible gift. In the end, my baby made them see true beauty.

  Once we’re out of the truck, students step back, creating a path for the solemn souls needing to lay their friend to rest. Walking up to the closed casket, I find that my knees wobble. Every step is agony, causing me even more despair. But my pain is nothing compared to that of the woman being held up by her remaining daughters. Her stricken eyes meet ours, and she becomes hysterical. Almost as if seeing the Crew without our precious Shorties—her courageous daughter—makes it… real.

  After kind words from a pastor, most of the visitors disperse, leaving Skyler’s family and Crew alone for these final moments. Her casket is slowly lowered as I feel a piece of my heart—my soul—follow her tiny body into the earth. As the heaviest tears in the world drip down our pitiful faces, I realize that without one doubt, I will never recover from this—I will never forgive myself fully—and I will never fail a Shorty again.

  Serenity’s hospital room is dim. David and Colt are both watching her sleep with “aw” expressions on their faces. I understand. When I get to have a quiet moment and study her, an unseen force draws me in and captures my soul. Yes, she’s beautiful to the naked eye, but it’s her essence that entraps me—that owns me as if I weren’t a man with the capability of having my own thoughts, my own desires. Her needs come first. Period. The end. And I just buried her most important desire—a life source, so to speak. I feel as if I just buried a part of my wife, and I’m praying like a son of a bitch that she can survive it.

  This morning, Serenity is having her first shower. Standing at the edge of the curtain, I watch my wife tremble as she reaches for the bar of soap. She is pale and weak, and it’s killing me. As she stares at the suds on her hand, I know what she’s thinking. Sky’s mangled palm will never stop haunting me, either. Tears start rolling from her beautiful green eyes, prompting me to react. I quickly strip and join her, support her, love her. As soon as Serenity feels me at her back, she turns and leans against my chest, sobbing through the worst pain she has ever endured.

  Once she’s breathing again, I wash her hair. Slowly and carefully massaging her head, I’m stunned when I notice the shampoo bubbles turning red. Serenity has inner head trauma from the impact, no contusions due to the hand sacrifice. That means the blood on my hands is Skyler’s.

  Trying to control my body’s urge to tremble, I put Serenity first. “Baby Doll, I’m going to slowly move you back and under the water. I don’t want to get soap in your eyes. So close ’em, and don’t open till I say. Okay?”

  Full of the trust she always gives me, her huge green eyes slowly close, and she lets me direct her body at will. As the water glides through her hair, rinsing away evidence of the worst night of our lives, I painfully watch Skyler O’Donnell’s blood slip down the drain.

  Dry, clean, and sleeping, I hold Serenity to me as I watch my friend lead his new team to another victory. Normally, my enthusiasm is not contained. Serenity says I looked possessed screaming at the TV, but today I find no reason to celebrate. The announcer screams, “They won! The Longhorns did it! Folks, if you are just tuning in, this kid, Josh Dukes, has just pulled off the impossible! The coach was debating whether to let him play, but Dukes insisted. He said, ‘She would have wanted it this way.’”

  Skyler would’ve kicked him in the shin, called him a freak, and told him to get his dumb ass in the game.

  A lump forms in my throat as the announcer explains who our baby was and what happened to her, blaming the empty beer cans found in the car of the driver that took her life. Respect lingers in the announcer’s voice, acknowledging Josh’s perseverance. Then empathy lingers when he says, “Oh, look at this kid. He’s refusing to celebrate. He’s ripped off his helmet and is yelling something.”

  My hands fist as a cameraman invades Josh’s space, exposing the private torment on national TV. The anguish of Sky’s death is hitting him hard as strangers look on. Josh’s pleas are ripping me to shreds as he cries out for Joles. I inwardly beg her to get to him, to bring some sort of relief to his evident misery.

  The announcer says, “We are told Dukes is calling for longtime girlfriend Jolene Sanders. Wait, there she is—oh, he sees her… Man, look at him run to her!”

  Josh almost plows Jolene over as he slams her, looking as desperate as a man can. His face takes refuge in her neck, sheltered by her hair, needing to hide his hysteria that I understand all too well. Embracing Josh as only she can, her golden eyes take in what is happening around them. She whispers, causing Josh to dare to peek. The announcer’s voice echoes in the background of my mind as tears I can no longer contain begin to fall. “I have never seen anything like this…”

  The whole stadium—Longhorn fans and not—is silent… holding up a peace sign.

  Bewildered, Josh slowly kisses his two fingers then shows the crowd yes, he will be back on his feet again, someday.

  The announcer exhales. “Hell of a brave kid. For those of you out there sitting at a bar or at a football party, drinking in celebration for your team, do us a favor. Call a cab. Don’t. Drink. And. Drive.”

  How about that? My baby didn’t die in vain.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Serenity: Together

  I’m home.

  I’m lost.

  We’re all lost without her.

  Her death is more than we know how to handle. This Crew has suffered, really suffered, but this blow, it’s cutting us deeper than ever before—than we ever imagined possible. When someone’s young as she was, we assume we have years to be together. To learn the hard way that one moment can change all others leaves me barren. Wickedly empty.

  Faith tries to feed the broken teenagers huddling together on her couch, but we refuse. We sit together, we move together, we cry together. We think we might die together. One of us has left far too early, and now we have to try to live, without her, together.

  From my bed, I can hear his crying down the hall. I picture him in Faith’s guest bedroom, alone in the dark. I sit up and glance at Dereck. He nods, so we both head to our Teddy Bear. Josh and Jolene’s shadows are already at his doorway. We stand there, watching him break even more.

  His wet eyes stare at us. “I failed her.”

  Nothing could be further from the truth, but I understand. I was there. I should have heard the car and pushed Sky from harm’s way. I crawl in bed next to him, resting my face on the part of his arm not tucked under his head, and place my hand on his chest. “You never failed her. Not once. You gave her life, Rocco Martelli.”

  More tears slide from his eyes. “Can someone tell that to my heart?”

  Jolene crawls into the bed, taking his other side. “I will tell your heart.”

  Dereck and Josh join us. Tears soak the pillows we share as we lie… together.

  The driver from the accident was found and may possibly be charged with manslaughter. His seventeen-year-old life will never be the same, either. He had been drinking and thought he could handle driving. He couldn’t.

  Thanks to him, I will have court dates in my future, but luckily, that takes time with all the procedures required. I can’t even fully breathe yet, and sitting in a courtr
oom might kill me. I’ve learned my family members from New York were contacted after the accident, but none came to visit me at the hospital. To Dereck, they have hinted about some comments my father has made from jail, saying he’s still hostile as ever. They also said they can’t reach my mom. She never came to see me, either. I know what that means. She’s drinking.

  In danger of failing, we all have to return to school.

  It’s an absolute gut-wrenching experience.

  I almost envy Josh and Jolene for going to a school Sky never attended, because everywhere I turn, there’s a memory of her. Instead of running to Dereck with Skyler holding my hand, I find that the sight of him makes me collapse into a locker, doubling over in pain. She’s gone.

  He’s to me in a flash. “Serenity.”

  “Oh, God. I can’t do this.” I’m in complete agony.

  Dereck tugs me from the lockers. I peer up at him rubbing my sternum, feeling the color fading from my face as my body pleads to purge this pain. He scoops me up, curling me to him.

  Marcus comes running. “What can I do?”

  “Watch over Roc. I’m taking her home.”

  My face is buried in his shoulder as Dereck walks with me. His growl makes me tighten my hold around his neck.

  “Mr. Hamilton, you need to go to the office and get a pass.”

  Dereck ignores the teacher and turns, letting his back open the school door.

  The next day, I stay. Teachers are so understanding as Dereck, with bloodshot eyes, walks me into class, late. Classmates silently observe Dereck assisting me to my desk. He kisses my head, says thank you to the teacher, and goes to his own class. I sit, motionless, half dead.

  Cautiously, my lab partner, Tye, hands me some papers. “Serenity, I, uh, did your work.”

  I muster up a “Thank you” but am listening to a buzzing in my ears. My finger searches the opening, trying to clear away the sudden intrusion, but it seems too deep in my head to reach, so I suffer through it quietly.

  After class, Tye walks me out to the hallway.

  Rocco is waiting for me, his own suffering all over his face. “No one wants to be near me.”

  Pain shoots through my chest. Rocco has become a zombie no one dares to touch in fear they will catch his sadness. I reach for his hand. He quickly grips it, shaking. I’m startled and concerned when his touch causes the buzzing in my ears to suddenly subside. I open my mouth to tell him I think I’m in trouble, but his sunken eyes are watering. He kisses my hand with such gratitude for our connection that I don’t dare make this moment about me.

  “Breathe” is all I can muster. He nods as a tear falls.

  At the table, Dereck exhales when he sees us. He and Marcus were staring into the nothingness that has swallowed us whole.

  Marcus pushes a small container across the table to Rocco. “Look, bubba. Want my pudding?”

  “No, thank you. Just not hungry.”

  Dereck stares at his tray. Probably because his friend is dropping weight and his wife is withering away.

  The next morning, Dereck and I pull into the school parking lot, next to Roc’s truck. Dereck continues his routine. He walks to my side of the truck, opens my door, and pulls out my lifeless form. My body obeys his command and follows him to Rocco’s truck. Dereck opens the driver’s door. Rocco stares at his dashboard with deadened eyes.

  “She wouldn’t want you to give up like this, Roc.”

  As Rocco reluctantly exits his truck, Dereck sees he has successfully convinced his best friend and wife to live another day.

  Josh fights the other ongoing battle—Jolene. Josh says that her mom has put her on antidepressants because she’s barely functioning. At this point, Josh is simply trying to keep her head above water. He says Jolene cries herself to sleep only to wake in more tears. Luckily for Dereck and Josh, football season has ended. If they had anything thing else on their plates, I believe we would all come tumbling down. These two are very consumed with trenching through ditches to save what’s left of the Crew.

  I’m starting to believe that when someone is sad—to an incomprehensible level—time tends to blur. I feel disconnected from my body, lost in the land of sorrow where no one can find me. I’m not even sure I want to be found. I might prefer to wither away. To become ashes after this inner cremation I’m experiencing ends and to blow somewhere that pain doesn’t exist. Somewhere broken hearts don’t relentlessly rule the world. Maybe there this constant buzzing will end. I’ve seen it too many times not to know what it is. The same shadows that invaded Sky are now attaching to me. That’s not even the scariest part. I think the buzzing is some sort of transmission because the annoying noise is starting to sound like jumbled whispers. Anytime now, the voices from the night with Father will return.

  I should run to Dereck and tell him. Have him save me the way Rocco did with Sky, but every now and then, a whisper rises above the rest, and it is full of promise I may not be able to deny, leaving me utterly confused. If Dereck can make them go away, does that mean the promise goes away also? That this pain will never end? Will I ever survive without her? I just want to blow away and be done with this agony.

  I want to reach out to Jolene, but she can’t stomach me without my attachment—Sky. I try to act as if I don’t notice Jolene missing, but I do. She’s never been missing from my life—not since we met. And I miss her terribly.

  Christmas is just another reminder of what I don’t have. My family has disowned me, and Skyler is where I can’t reach her—can’t touch her. A part of me—it sounds weird—has left this earth. I’ve never felt so alone.

  I sit in a chair, staring out the window into the backyard, listening to the whispers. A scent invades my nose as the whispers drift into the distance. Faith walks around the house with what appears to be a huge joint. Her light is bright, her smile unrestrained. I’ve somehow forgotten how beautiful she is.

  “This is sage,” she tells me. “It helps clear the air. Don’t ya think, Serenity?”

  I inhale slowly as my thoughts become clear for the first time in days. My body rejoices in the reprieve from constant doubt and worry. My eyes close, and my shoulders soften as muscles take a break from their usual tense state. Quickly, I feel sleep singing to me, begging me for much-needed rest. I snuggle into the chair and allow… rest.

  How long have I been sleeping? I don’t know, but the whispers are almost violent. My whole body tenses, wondering why the change from such peace.

  Dereck’s hand touches my shoulder. “Hey, get some good rest?”

  I recoil. Why did he bring them back? I was so peaceful, and now the whispers are angry! Dereck pulls his hand from me as if hurt by my actions. I wish I could care, but the whispers are so intrusive, I’d do anything to make them stop. As soon as he takes a step back, they ease.

  In order to keep him from touching me—to keep the whispers at bay—I act as though I don’t feel good and need to take an afternoon nap. In our bed, I fake sleep as Dereck leaves our room.

  In the hallway, his voice is barely audible. “Hey… brother, I’m losing her.”

  Later, when I’m on the patio swing and Dereck has covered me with a blanket, the night smells of sage. Lately, lingering smoke seems to be following Faith wherever she goes.

  She appears and smiles. “Dinner will be done soon.” Faith leaves us, heading back to the kitchen.

  Dereck rocks me on the swing. I let him. The whispers have settled for the time being. Leaning into him, with my legs tucked underneath me, he and I both silently stare into the darkness, trying to regroup, I think, but I’m exhausted from this battle.

  The back sliding door opens, and Josh steps through. My eyes find his. He stops dead in his tracks, making me wonder how bad I look. The swing stops. No words are spoken, but much is said.

  Ashes and dust

&
nbsp; No cravings or lust

  Hiding from the light,

  The voices keep it from sight

  Josh sits on the swing with us, and the rocking resumes for a while.

  Pops swallows hard. “I need you to survive this.”

  A pitiful voice escapes me. “I want to die, Josh.”

  The swing ceases to move.

  My eyes well. “It breaks my heart to hurt you both like this, but I have no one else to tell. She’s gone.”

  “Serenity, will—” Josh chokes. “Would you try and take”—he whispers—“your life?”

  Tears roll down my face. “I’ve thought about it.”

  His and Dereck’s hands lie over their hearts.

  “But you guys have already lost her,” I cry, “so I will never put you two through a suicide. I love and respect you too much. I guess you could say I am alive because of your love for me.”

  After a life-altering pause, the swing begins to rock again.

  Time and shallow moments passing by

  Days and months all the same

  Healing, they’re all healing

  I’m alone…

  Wanting to lie and move no more

  The living, refusing to let me go

  The light of day no longer makes Rocco ill—which makes me even more ill. He’s pulling air into his lungs again, and is wanting to. Roc and I were supposed to suffer till the end of time, together. The whispers had told me he would abandon me and my quest not to live happily without her. They were right; Rocco is starting to live again.

  Faith’s positive talks now make my skin crawl and the whispers shriek, causing a chain reaction. I’m getting angry. My counselor at school keeps reaching out, but I don’t want to hear her babble either. No one understands what I’m going through, so why even try? And Dereck’s sappy, kind ways? Absolutely annoying. I shrug off his affections. “Please don’t do that.”