Forbidden Love

by Mary Hagen

  “I’m sorry, but I have no place to hide should someone in your building report me and the Gestapo would come. I feel the same about any public place as I told you.”

  “I understand, but I would protect you.”

  “You couldn’t. You could be killed if you challenged them.” Hannah drew in her breath. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” A sudden surge of anger welled up in her, and she desired revenge for the treatment of her people.

  What could she do? Nothing. Threats to her stuck in her mind like her hiking boots in quagmire. Nothing was in her control. She glanced at Penn. What was he doing, a Luftwaffe pilot, helping Hitler remain in power? Her ears roared as though she were underwater drowning. Penn should run from Germany, but if he did, his parents could be hung. She stared at him and realized he was studying her with gravity etched on his face.

  “I love you, Hannah, but by your expression, I read condemnation of me.”

  Her mind was in a turmoil. She did not question his love for her, but she worried his loyalty might come into question under his parents’ influence. She shook her head to return to the moment. Penn’s face crumpled in perplexity and added to her discordant thoughts. What was she thinking? Penn loved her. She loved Penn. She erased the conflicts and forced a smile at him.

  “My thoughts wandered,” Hannah said. “Instead of driving to the restaurant you have in mind, could we walk in the Tiergarten? It’s a cool evening, but pleasant. I want you to myself without interruptions from waiters.”

  Penn gave her a tight hug. “Whatever you want.”

  Hannah realized he was shaken by the stiffness of his body, but she was disturbed by his willingness to fly and possibly end up in a war that would only strengthen Hitler should Germany win and put the Jews in further danger. She must not judge him, but come up with a plan. Her love for him was stronger than her doubts. If war came, Penn could be killed. How could she tolerate his loss? He must flee Germany with her. She shivered with the dread of the impossibility of surviving the horror of Germany. If she did, she would never have a life with Penn. What awaited them in Germany? Blackness blocked out hope. She was out of her depth. She rubbed her forehead to delete her misgivings and bad thoughts.

  The car stirred to life with the turn of the key and Penn pulled away from the curb. Hannah clenched and unclenched her fists to relieve her inner tension. She needed to enjoy the evening with Penn. How many would they have before they were torn apart? Stabs of pain punctured her brain with guilt. She should never doubt Penn. Gently she put her hand on his arm and felt his strength. Where had her happiness gone? She was with Penn.

  The Tiergarten seemed the one safe place for couples to walk without fear of the SS or Gestapo. Although the evening air was cool in the late spring, Penn’s arm around her kept off the chill as she snuggled against him. They strolled through the trees without comment until Penn led her to a bench and suggested they sit.

  “I’ve been doing reconnaissance flying over Czechoslovakia to check their fortifications should the Sudetenland become part of Germany. Czechoslovakia is in an excellent position to ward off any attacks by foreign invaders as long as Sudetenland doesn’t end up in the hands of us.” Penn leaned forward and rested his chin in the palms of his hand. “Pray Chamberlain doesn’t give in to Hitler’s demands to take Sudetenland.”

  “Goebbels says over and over, it’s what the Germans in Sudetenland want. How can Chamberlain deny their wishes?” Hannah questioned.

  Penn shook his head. “If Sudetenland is given to us, Czechoslovakia will follow. How much more can Hitler demand? How long will Chamberlain and the Brits capitulate to Hitler’s demands? The minute they refuse we’ll be at war.”

  At the thought of war, Hannah’s stomach muscles clamped so hard pain ran through her body. She shook uncontrollably. Penn sat up and looked at her with alarm on his face.

  “What is it?” He reached out to hold her, but she backed away.

  “If we go to war, only Hitler, Himmler, Goring, and Goebbels know what will happen to us. You may be killed. Jews may not survive such a catastrophe.”

  “Hitler has not been refused. We’re still at peace. No one in Germany wants war.” Penn’s words did not comfort Hannah.

  “Dear Penn.” Hannah took his hand. “Don’t you see, we must leave Germany, your family, my parents, us.”

  “My father will never leave. He’s growing wealthy under the Nazis, and he admires Hitler. Although I think they are blind, they are under his spell.” Penn glanced at Hannah. She read his face full of concern mixed with regret. “What can I do? As I see it, I must go along with the Nazis.”

  “You’re helping to keep them in power,” Hannah said. “How can you say you don’t support the Nazis but fly for them ready to fight for them should it become necessary? What are you doing to stop them? Nothing.” Hannah clutched her hands in her lap and slumped forward on the bench as she realized she was shouting. She loved Penn, but it was an impossible love. How long could they continue seeing one another sneaking around like rats? The Germans treated their dogs better than the Jews.

  Penn turned to face her. “Yes. You’re right. I’m doing nothing.” He fell quiet.

  “I’m sorry,” Hannah said. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. You can’t do anything. Not only do I live in fear for the safety of my family and myself, but you do too. Hitler controls all of us with fear and threats. He’s taken away our freedom of choice.”

  “Not all,” Penn said. “I’ve heard rumors of a . . .” He stopped.

  “Of what?”

  “I’m not at liberty to say.” Penn pressed his hands between his knees. “The situation for the Jews is worsening. Please, as much as I love you and need you, get out of Germany while you still can.”

  “I don’t want to without you.” She paused. “Papa won’t leave. He’s bound to his patients, to care for them. My mother and Ethel won’t leave without him. I must stay with them and help them if I can.”

  Penn said nothing for several minutes. “When I arrived at the airfield two days ago, Josh, a Jew, the mechanic who sees to my plane was gone. He is an excellent mechanic and I trust him completely, and I was angry. The mechanic who replaced him knows nothing.”

  Hannah turned to look at him. “Where did he go? Did they send him to another airfield?”

  “No. He was sent to Dachau.”

  “Oh no.”

  “Oh yes. The best mechanic at the airfield. Those of us who use his services went to the general’s office and demanded he get Josh back to us. Believe it or not, we told him we would resign our commissions if he wasn’t returned. Josh was back with us today,” Penn said with a sober expression. “He’s changed. He thanked us for saving his life, but he was remorse and he wore a knit cap. When I asked him why, he reluctantly told me his head was shaved. Then he showed me the tattoo numbers on his arm that were raw with blisters.” Penn squeezed his hands tighter between his knees. “I was at a loss for words. When I asked him for more details about his imprisonment, he said I didn’t want to know what was going on, but suggested I get you out of the country. He knows you are a Jew.”

  “I’ve heard terrible rumors,” Hannah whispered. “I can’t believe them. Not even Himmler would stoop to such action.”

  “I persisted, but all he said was, ‘I’ll never go back. People are dying in unimaginable ways.’”

  ‘The sweet-faced, cherubic-appearing man, Himmler?’ I questioned,” Penn continued.

  “He is a monster. On the one hand, I’m told, he speaks to his young daughter every evening whom he adores. The next, he separates families at Dachau,” Josh answered me. He refused to say more.

  “Will you leave with me? I’ve heard much the same thing from a few Jews who escaped the prison.” She spoke so quietly, Penn leaned closer to her.

  “You know I can�
�t, but take your parents and get out while you still can.” Penn sucked in his breath. “How can I exist without you? My mind is in turmoil. One minute I want you safely out of Germany, the next I want you to stay so I can see you, know you’re alive.”

  Hannah was in a quandary. If she left the country, she would lose contact with Penn. Would he perish in a plane crash? Who would let her know if such a horrible thing happened? Could she convince her Papa to leave his patients and go with her? No. Papa was aware of the number of Jewish children being sent out of Germany by their parents. He encouraged them to send them away.

  “I must think about leaving, but not just yet. So far, life for us, although fearful, is secure enough. Oh, I know some Jews are put through hell by the Gestapo, the SS, but mostly we’re left alone.”

  “How can you say that? Surely, you’ve seen photos in the newspaper of Jews being severely beaten over some minor infraction. Did you not see the Jews forced to cut grass with their teeth in the paper?” Penn’s voice was guttural with tension.

  “Yes. I couldn’t believe it.” She shook her head.

  “Believe it. I’ve seen such a change in Josh from his two days in Dachau. He doesn’t want to speak of it. I hope he’ll tell me more, but he swore he won’t.” Penn’s words alarmed her and a cold shiver spiraled down her spine.

  “I don’t want to believe the rumors,” Hannah replied. What was happening to her Germany, her home, the country she loved? In her heart, she knew. Men like Hitler had no remorse over what they did, had no sympathy for Jews who they considered Germany’s troubles.

  Penn removed his hands from between his legs and straightened his shoulders. Putting his arm around her, he drew her close, her love for him overwhelming her. Life had become so complicated she wasn’t certain what to do. Penn was woven into her dreams, the foundation of her being. The sweetness of their being together was being swept away by the horrors of the Nazis and she could do nothing. She slipped her arm around his waist and snuggled against him.

  “This is intolerable, this hiding our love, our sneaking around like we’re criminals. I tell myself one thing and do another. Our personal freedoms have been taken from us. Our culture has been replaced by barbarism by ruthless leaders, yet if I step out of line, I’ll be sent to a concentration camp as will my parents.” Penn drew in a deep breath and released it. “I’m a coward. I don’t stand up for my rights to marry you, to take you where I want.”

  “Under Hitler, you can’t and must not. Most good Germans go along with Hitler relieved of the fear of hunger, unemployment, no help when sick, even at the expense of using us, the Jews, as an excuse, a target for blame.” Her words came out harsh and loud again. She glanced around her but their spot was secluded enough to muffle her words.

  Penn made no comment to her for several moments. He released her and sat with his shoulders hunched forward, his arms limp at his side. “If you’ll get out of Germany, tell me where you’re going. I’ll find a way to join you,” he said in a whisper. “There’ll be a way, I’m certain. Josh implied to me he’ll desert the air force at his first opportunity.”

  “I’m as tied to my parents as you are. I can’t leave them and Papa is one of the few doctors willing to risk prosecution to care for his people.” Hannah choked on her words as Jacob came to her mind. He left without second thoughts about them. Where was he? Could he offer them some means of obtaining acceptance in another country? The United States didn’t want them. England took in children and some adults but had limits. France reluctantly gave refuge to some Jews. Cuba refused them. Where could she and her family go?

  People abroad were repulsed by actions of the Nazis, but continued to visit Germany to enjoy the hospitality of the citizens. Such hypocrites. Hitler made no effort to hide the laws against the Jews or the persecution of them. Half the Jews lived without visible employment, often found it difficult to purchase food, milk for their children, and medicine. Fortunately, she was never taken as a Jew so she moved freely in Germany, but she was aware of such signs as “Jews strictly forbidden to enter this place.” Should she run into old acquaintances who knew she was a Jew could end that freedom.

  “Such dark thoughts hang over us tonight,” Hannah said. “You should take me home. Neither of us are good company.”

  “Not yet. We’ll talk about our love. I see so little of you. What I want and can’t have is you waiting for me in our home.” He turned to her, took her in his arms, and kissed her ear, her cheek, and her mouth, his tongue searching for hers.

  Hannah pushed away. “You could resign from the air force and work with your father. Then I wouldn’t worry you’d be killed flying over countries that object and might shoot you out of the sky.”

  “For now, no country would want to risk war with Germany by shooting us,” Penn snorted. “I’m safe enough.”

  “Our conversation veers back to black thoughts,” Hannah sighed.

  Few people were in the park. The Gestapo did not seem to be on patrol, but Hannah felt uneasy as though something was about to happen. “May we take a drive before you drop me off? I’m cold and I’m weary of our conversation.”

  “Of course.” Penn stood, removed his jacket, and put it around her when she got to her feet. “This may help.”

  “It does.”

  At the edge of the park, they came upon an all too familiar sight in Berlin. A torchlight parade of young people, most likely students, were singing songs of joy to the Nazis and a greater Germany. Hannah and Penn watched from the safety of the park, afraid at any moment, the youths could turn violent. When they passed, Penn led Hannah to his car, and started the engine. “Shall we drive along the river?”

  Hannah could not answer to upset by what they had witnessed. The sight sent warnings of impending doom through her, and she didn’t know what to do. Her life spiraled out of her control.

  Penn touched her arm. “You haven’t answered me,” he said softly.

  With a slight gesture with her hand, she indicated he drive. She wanted to get far away from the parade of young people.

  She opened her window to let the breeze touch her face, wipe away her blackness with the sweet smell of water, and shiver from the coolness. They rode in silence lost in their own thoughts. How can a government, leaders of a nation, forbid love between two people just because one is a Jew and the other is a Protestant? The answer eluded her.

  Chapter 13

  So much had happened. Since the beginning of the blitzkrieg in 1939 and the fall of Poland, Penn had been sent from one country to another rarely returning to Berlin. She missed their evenings together, worried about him, but had no way of keeping in touch with him even through his cousin in Switzerland. Letters leaving Germany were censured. Nothing escaped the Nazis. The Wehrmacht with its devastating tactics had conquered Norway, Denmark, Holland, Belgium, and France. The Soviets had occupied the Baltic States. Germany bombed England and England retaliated by bombing Germany. Romania was invaded and forced to join the Axis. Hungry also joined Germany. Spain refused.

  Everyday Papa read the newspaper to them. The Italians invaded Greece and with the help of the Germans conquered the country. The British North African campaign now raged against them.

  Hannah had received a brief communication from Penn. He said he was in Africa, but that was all she knew. He was never out of her thoughts. Was he safe? Where were his thoughts? She yearned for him, his arms around her, the warmth of his breath on her cheeks, his deep voice, and the love in his eyes. Fear nagged the back of her mind everyday she would never see him again.

  Hannah read and listened to Goebbels, the propagandist no one could believe because of the conflicting reports he gave and using similar phrases over and over. The British and Australians took Tobruk, but Rommel arrived with his Afrika Korps, and the war became a yoyo battle with the swarthy, dwarfish, neurotic Goebbels reporting the Afrik
a Korps destroying the British in every major battle. Underground newspapers reported otherwise. Penn could not write to her, and she was restricted from contacting him or asking his parents about him.

  Hannah felt some satisfaction when Hitler declared war against Russia certain Germany would in the end lose. He must have failed to read about Napoleon’s disastrous loss. If the Germans were beaten, the Jews might live in peace.

  The Nazis ordered Jews to wear yellow stars on September 1, l941. Papa was furious. “We will not wear yellow stars in this family,” he shouted when he came home from seeing patients. “If the scum can’t tell us by our looks, then let them rot.”

  Mamma put down the yellow star she was cutting. “But, if we’re asked for our papers and it’s discovered we’re Jews because we have none, the punishment for not wearing the star could be horrific.”

  “We will not wear the yellow star. I’m proud to be a Jew. I do not need to be forced into wearing the star to show who I am nor do any of you.” Papa slapped his hands together. “I’ll hear no more about it.”

  Papa glanced at Hannah who stood behind Mamma’s chair saying nothing but agreeing with both of her parents and creating a conflict in her mind.

  “Come with me into my office,” Papa said to her.

  With stiff legs afraid of what he might say next, Hannah followed him. His office at the back of the house was dark and chilly, but dusted and in order even though he could no longer afford to heat it and use it to see patients. He indicated she sit in the chair opposite his desk before he sat in his own chair.

  “I know you want to take time for yourself today. I don’t know what you have in mind, but please take care and tell us where you are. We never know when the Gestapo may arrest us.” He rubbed his fingers along his jaw. “Do you need anything? Some spending money? You’ve been such a help. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”