Never Trust a Rockstar

by Sarah Darlington

I love you too.

  Those were the words on my lips. I couldn’t say that for the first time on a voice message. “Just call me back,” I added before it cut me off again.

  ~ CHAPTER 46 ~

  EMMA

  I could hear my phone buzzing. I’d left it on vibrate in my jean pants pocket, which was on the opposite side of the room, bundled up in a plastic bag with all my other clothes. My only thought—what if it was Caleb calling? I hadn’t heard from him since his last voicemail a week ago, so it was probably only a telemarketer or someone with the wrong number, but some piece of me wished desperately that it would be him calling me right this moment.

  Even if it was him, though, it was impossible to answer my phone. Not when I had my doctor’s cold hands drawing lines with a black felt-tip marker on my boobs.

  “You’re young,” Dr. Price told me. He’d also done my mom’s double mastectomy one year ago. “You’ll heal quickly. The plastic surgeon is amazing. He does amazing work. With the nipple-saving mastectomy, it will be difficult to tell you’ve had surgery. Scarring will be minimal.”

  “Yeah,” I said. I had tears in my eyes. I was dead set on this decision. So dead set that Luce let me have her appointment so that I could go first. Mom, seeing my tears, standing to my right, squeezed my hand a little tighter.

  “Are you okay?” Dr. Price asked, noticing also. “Having any second thoughts?”

  “No. No second thoughts.” I sniffled. “I’m just scared. I know it will all be fine, but I can’t stop shaking.” I hadn’t been able to stop shivering since I’d taken off my clothes. And the hospital room wasn’t even cold.

  “That’s completely normal. It’s your body’s natural ‘fight or flight’ reaction to stress. If you’re ready, we’ll say goodbye to Mom now and move you into the anesthesia room next. A nurse will start an IV there before we take you into surgery. It should take about two hours, plus the reconstruction time. Maybe four hours total.”

  I nodded. “I’m ready.” This had all been explained to me already. I gave my mom a giant hug, clinging onto her even though I didn’t have my hospital shirt completely buttoned, because there was always that small chance I might not wake up from my surgery.

  Caleb popped into my mind. Which was absolutely ridiculous. He had no influence on this decision. But some piece of me wished I’d told him, wished he was here with me right now, hugging me goodbye with my mom. Even if we couldn’t be together anymore, I think he would have come anyway. He could have been here as my friend.

  More tears slipped from my eyes. And the nurses wheeled me to the anesthesia room. I reassured myself that it was actually good I hadn’t called him prior to this. He had enough going on in his life with his new son. He didn’t need this burden also.

  Once they started the anesthesia, everything slipped from my mind. The next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room.

  “Caleb,” I whispered.

  “No.” It was Luce’s voice instead. “He’s not with you. I’m with you.” She clutched my hand. “I’m with you.”

  I closed my eyes.

  I just wanted to go back to sleep.

  ~ CHAPTER 47 ~

  CALEB

  Someone was knocking on my front door. I yanked it opened. Lately, with everything, there was always that moment of hope. You know, where some unrealistic part of me hoped Emma might be on the other line, or on the other side of a door. These moments were becoming less and less often, as I realized she was never going to show up like that.

  Instead, Luke was on my porch. “Oh good, big brother, you finally came.”

  I’d been calling him nonstop the last few days. I needed him. I needed him in my home studio, so we could make some music, so I could quiet the screaming in my head.

  Emma never returned my call—the one where I’d basically told her I loved her. I poured my heart out into that last voicemail, five days ago, and... crickets. I wasn’t ready to give up on her. But it seemed she might be ready to give up on me. I understood she was trying to be selfless, trying to put little Caleb first, but you can’t just force something that isn’t there. The one thing I’d learned these past eighteen days since I left North Carolina was that I didn’t love Rebecca. I loved Emma. And bottling that up inside me… it was killing me. Letting more and more time slip by without telling her, without seeing her… was killing me.

  “Let’s make some music. I’ve written four new songs I want you to hear and help me decide which one you like best.” Luke lived only about ten minutes away. We’d purposely bought homes close together for this very reason. It sure had taken long enough to get his ass over here. Eighteen days to be exact.

  “Where’s Rebecca?” he asked me, pausing in my foyer. “Where’s the kid? What’s his name? Caleb Junior?”

  “I know. I can’t believe she named him that either. Rebecca went to the store. And Caleb’s in the soundproof room. Which is why we need to get back down there. I’ve been teaching him drums. C’mon.”

  Luke followed me down to the basement. It wasn’t a normal basement. It was huge, and sound proofed, and fully equipped for the entire band. We recorded our third album in this basement.

  Caleb sat by the drums, banging away. If Dani saw him on her instrument, she would shit her pants. Good thing she wasn’t here. “Good job, Caleb.” I gave him a thumbs up.

  “Hi, Senior.” The boy kept banging his two sticks against the kick drum.

  “He’s calling me ‘Senior’ lately,” I told Luke. “I don’t mind it. I like it. So.” I picked up my guitar, adjusting the strap over one shoulder, letting my fingers fall into place. “Let’s play.”

  Luke ignored me. He went to sit next to the boy. It was kind of a touching moment. He brushed little Caleb’s wild dark hair from his face, staring down at him, taking him in. Luke wasn’t very affectionate with anyone, not even with animals, so it was a nice side of my brother to see. Even Dani had reacted to little Caleb Junior like this. Like he was someone we all innately knew. He was one of us.

  I started a chord, ready to get to the music.

  “I slept with Rebecca,” Luke said.

  Had I heard him correctly? My fingers froze on my guitar, making an awful sound. “Caleb—Caleb! Stop for a second.”

  Little Caleb just kept drumming… and started giggling. Because anytime I told him ‘no’ he thought it was funny.

  Luke stood up. “I slept with Rebecca,” my brother repeated, louder now. “It happened once. Well, several times in one night. We weren’t careful. I didn’t use a condom.”

  I laughed. He was joking... right?

  Luke’s stoic face never flinched. “I think there’s a chance little Caleb could be mine. We need to do a paternity test.”

  “Holy shit.” I didn’t know how to feel about this. A piece of me felt angry. So Rebecca cheated on me? My brother betrayed me? And in three years’ time, neither of them ever bothered to tell me? Little Caleb, who I’d already started to bond with and love, might not be mine? And then some sliver of hope—this might be my out, my chance to be with Emma.

  “There’s a lab not far from here.” Luke was so serious about this. “I called them yesterday and set up an appointment for today. They can do same-day testing. They use saliva samples. I figured that would be the least invasive option for little Caleb.”

  “This is quite a lot to process.” I stared at him. “Do you really think Rebecca would have named him ‘Caleb’ if she doubted who his father was?”

  “Yes. Actually, it sounds like something she would have done.”

  I huffed, locking my fingers behind my head, letting the guitar dangle around my neck from its strap. Well this just seemed par for the course. Life just kept fucking me. “Fine. Let’s go. I will punch you in the face over this later, after we find out who the boy’s father actually is.”

  ***

  It wasn’t me. I wasn’t the father.

  Any other man might have actually punched their brother in the nose over this. He certa
inly deserved it. But the only reaction I felt as I got the news was relief. A feeling so intense washed over my body. A weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt like skipping around the waiting room, singing hallelujah at the top of my lungs.

  I owed Rebecca nothing! Absolutely nothing!

  “Thank you, Luke. Thank you for fucking her.”

  I started to laugh at the absurdity of that sentence. But it was the truth. The sound of my laughter echoed through the doctor’s office waiting room. I couldn’t stop—until the laughter mixed with tears. Tears of solace.

  “Thank you.”

  “I’m sorry,” Luke said simply. I could tell he meant it. This was eating him alive. “I’m so sorry.”

  “No. For the rest of my life, I will always look back on this moment and love you for this. Thank you, brother.” I breathed in as deep of a breath as my lungs would take. I exhaled, and it felt like I was exhaling all the toxins out of my body.

  “Yes!” I shouted, raising my arms above my head.

  A few other patients in the waiting room turned around in their chairs to look at me. But they understood. If they were also here for paternity tests, then they understood.

  But no matter what the news from this paternity test came back as—I was still going to leave Rebecca and fight for Emma. This just made it easier. I didn’t have a kid. And the only person I ever wanted to carry any future baby of mine… was Emma. The antics of my younger days suddenly felt so foolish and childish.

  Little Caleb ran up to me, climbing in my lap. We’d started to bond over these last eighteen days. I was going to miss him. But Luke—right now in his life, he’d make a better father than me, anyway. I don’t know what it meant for the future of our band. But I knew he’d be much happier living a similar life with this boy.

  “Well,” I said, smiling from ear to ear. “Let’s go tell Rebecca the happy news.”

  ~ CHAPTER 48 ~

  EMMA

  Recovery was a bitch. I spent the first three nights at the hospital and three more days unable to leave my bed. Moving around was beginning to get a little easier, but I hadn’t left the house since my surgery. Not that I really had anywhere to go. Rhett had easily filled all my shifts for a couple weeks.

  My chest felt tender, like my boobs were two well-used punching bags. I’d expected that. But I also felt this unbelievable sense of loss. It was hard to explain. Loss of my breasts? No, because they were still there—just in a new form. Loss of a piece of my womanhood? Maybe. If I had kids one day, I wouldn’t be able to nurse. Or maybe the debilitating loss I felt had everything to do with Caleb. I hadn’t let myself process his leaving prior to the surgery. Now that it was over, now that I had no big distractions and all this alone time, he was all I could think about.

  “This came in the mail for you,” Pop announced. He popped his head into my room to hand me a Fed-Ex envelop.

  I cringed, standing, taking it from his leathery hands. It had my name across the front and Caleb’s name as the return address. My heart picked up speed.

  “Thanks, Pop,” I said, and he left me alone.

  He knew my solitude was all I’d been wanting these days.

  Was Caleb sending me tickets?

  Because the first time he sent me tickets, they came in an envelope exactly like this one.

  During my surgery, Caleb left me a voicemail. I still hadn’t listened to it. Hearing his voice again would make me only miss him more. Why torture myself?

  I ripped open the cardstock paper. Sure enough, the envelope contained tickets. Well, a single ticket. It was for one of their concerts at the same venue in Richmond.

  I groaned because Richmond felt like a million miles away, and I couldn’t drive post-surgery. Not for another two weeks. The date on the ticket was for tomorrow.

  Tomorrow! Was he freaking kidding?

  Obviously, he didn’t know about my surgery. But I knew I couldn’t convince someone to drive me three hours just to drop me off on the corner at a concert they couldn’t attend with me.

  I texted him because of the ridiculousness of this.

  Me: I can’t drive.

  And really, what did this ticket even mean? Would he send me a ticket to one of his concerts every time he passed through my state or the next state over? Would this be our thing? Would I be his little slice of something on the side? Was that how it worked for rockstars? A booty call in every city?

  Caleb: What do you mean? Did you sell your car?

  What? No. The only reason I’d been trying to sell it before was because it had once belonged to Nick. That was how we originally met. He sold me his car. After we broke up, it seemed wrong somehow to keep driving it around. But as it turned out, no one wanted to buy it, and I couldn’t afford a new one anyway.

  Me: Sure. Let’s go with that.

  Caleb: ?

  Me: I can’t drive.

  Caleb: Okay. Dani is still in North Carolina. If you want to come to the concert, she can drive you.

  I swallowed hard, staring down at my phone. Of course I wanted to see him. I was always going to want to see him. But I knew I shouldn’t.

  Me: Don’t you need a drummer to have a concert?

  Caleb: Exactly. Dani has to make the drive anyway. You might as well go with her.

  That seemed fabricated somehow. This concert…was it even real? An excuse to finish what he had started—to take my virginity. My hands started to shake. You have to tell him no. You have to tell him no. I couldn’t have some strange half-relationship with him for the rest of my life. Or until he’d had his fill of me and was ready to move on. I couldn’t be his woman on the side. I knew if I saw him in person again, I’d never be able to deny him.

  Me: I don’t know if I can come. I’m sorry.

  Tears welled in my eyes.

  Because I loved him, and deep down I didn’t want to deny him.

  Caleb: I’ll send Dani tomorrow. When she shows up, you can either tell her to leave. Or you can get in the car with her. You decide.

  Caleb: But maybe… try trusting me.

  I let out a shocked little breath. Try trusting him?

  Was it really that simple?

  ***

  It was ten in the morning when I heard the sound of someone banging on our front door. I expected Dani later today, but this early?

  The most pathetic part—I was already dressed and ready. I’d woken up at the ass-crack of dawn with Caleb clouding every square inch of my brain. I’d showered as best as I could on my own. I’d done my hair… sort of. I could lift my arms only about halfway up, so it was wild curly. And I’d let my freckles show exactly how I knew he liked, mostly because doing full makeup would have been exhausting.

  Just like the first time he sent me concert tickets, I couldn’t say no. I needed to see what would happen if I went. It was infuriating. Absolutely, one-hundred and ten percent, kick-me-in-the-gut, infuriating. And to pour more salt in my wounds, I had on his freaking hoodie over my carefully-wrapped breasts. It was a little baggy and had a zipper up the front. So optimally, it was a good post-surgery clothing choice.

  I walked slowly for the front door. My mom wouldn’t be out of bed until at least noon, and Luce had never been a morning person. She took too many sleeping pills for that.

  Dani was on the other side of the door when I pulled it open. “Are you coming or not?” She couldn’t even tell me hello before blurting that out.

  She looked nice today. Her hair so straight it fluttered in the breeze like a curtain rippling in the wind. She had on big sunglasses and red lipstick.

  “Coming,” I answered.

  She smiled. “Good. I don’t have to kidnap you then.”

  Strangely, I don’t think she was joking. And then I noticed it wasn’t the Hummer parked in my driveway.

  “Is that John Michael’s car? As in Sydney’s brother?” I knew his car because he drove the only Tesla in town.

  “He’s going to drive us. C’mon, let’s go.”

  Once we were o
n our way toward Richmond, I spent most of the car ride trying to ignore my pain by focusing on Dani and John. I debated with myself over whether there was something going on between the two of them. There had to be. Why else would he be driving us? But I thought John hated everyone.

  “I heard about your surgery,” John said to me, his eyes forward on the road. “You know, when you’re fully healed, I do tattoos for that. No cost. It’s always no cost for that.”

  “What surgery?” Dani asked, not missing a thing. She even reached over to turn down the radio.

  “My breasts,” I said, leaving it at that.

  I’d told Sydney. And I guess she told her brother. Which was fine. It wasn’t a secret. But if Dani knew then Caleb would know. And I wasn’t sure I wanted him to know.

  “Like you got a boob job?”

  “Not quite.”

  Dani turned around in her seat to stare at me. “What kind of surgery?” she pressed.

  I swallowed. “Double mastectomy.”

  “Holy shit. Caleb is going to flip.” She combed her fingers through her hair, playing with the strands. “This is going to send him straight off the deep-end. You have no idea.”

  “Please, don’t tell him.”

  “Wait, are you planning on not telling him?”

  She sure seemed passionate about my breasts. I didn’t get why this would make Caleb flip. He knew I’d been considering it before. Unless she knew this would somehow make him think less of me. Would he see me as damaged now?

  “He doesn’t need to know,” I decided.

  She breathed in deeply, turning back around. “I have so much I want to say right now.” She made this gurgling-growl sound, like I was pissing her off.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t be going to this concert. Maybe I shouldn’t be in this car.” Suddenly everything seemed stuffy. My chest hurt, like really fucking bad, and not just from the surgery. I was doubting my decision to come. Caleb had Rebecca now. He didn’t need me.