Her Last Secret

by P L Kane

  Jake couldn’t even be relied on to get up and say something at his own daughter’s funeral. Carry her, yes, but not that. Had dodged even that responsibility. She’d do it herself, Julie had told him: the eulogy. One of them should – and being angry at Jake had carried her through so far. Forced Julie to steel herself for the task. Yet, now the time was here, she wasn’t sure she could do it at all. She was in bits, frankly, hadn’t realised it but had got nearer and nearer to Greg until she’d practically collapsed into him. He was patting her shoulder, doing his best to console her, but nodding towards the front where she needed to be.

  No … I can’t! I just …

  Jake was looking around at her, probably waiting for Julie to get up and get on with it, just like everyone else was. She fixed him with a pleading stare, hoping against hope that silent communication they used to share was still working, that he realised what she was trying to say to him. Help. If ever you were going to do something, then now would be the time. Please.

  Jake gave a small shake of the head, showing that he knew exactly what she wanted. But still she stared, her eyes insisting. He closed his own, took a deep breath, and rose. Began to walk to the front. Jake glanced back at Julie, who mouthed a ‘thank you’. Greg was more vocal, half-rising and saying: ‘Hey, what do you—’ before Julie placed a hand on his chest to silence him, shaking her own head. Whispering that this was what she wanted.

  Swallowing, and still trying not to look at the coffin, Jake made his way across to the pulpit where the vicar was hastily explaining there had been a change of plan. ‘To talk about their daughter, in place of Julie Radcliffe’ – she felt Greg stiffen at that – ‘her father, Jacob.’

  He nodded his thanks to the holy man, taking his place. As she watched, wiping away the tears in her eyes, Jake gazed out over the heads of those people. He was probably wondering what to say, wouldn’t have had time to prepare anything at all. And he did so hate public speaking; it was one of the reasons he worked behind the camera instead of standing in front of it like some of his colleagues did day after day. Julie felt his confusion, his pain. Jake hadn’t even delivered the eulogy at his own mum’s funeral, because he couldn’t face it. Yet here he was, doing this for her. Doing it for Jordan. He looked like he wanted to throw up, to just run from there.

  Run, like he had done the last time things had got tough. When he should have stayed and fought for his family, tried to protect Jordan when it still meant something … Julie shook her head, pushing those thoughts aside. Now really wasn’t the time.

  Then he looked like he’d spotted someone at the back, and his demeanour changed instantly. He suddenly appeared stronger, as if he was pulling himself together. Doing what she hadn’t been able to. Julie lifted herself a little and traced his gaze. That was when she saw her, the woman from the hotel.

  What was she doing here? Clearly Jake had invited her, had needed support of his own and knew it wouldn’t come from her family. A friend, here to give him strength, or more? Why did that matter, why did she still care?

  Julie watched as they locked eyes now, and the woman nodded in a way that said: ‘You got this.’

  Jake cleared his throat and Julie faced forwards again, leaning into Greg once more, holding on to him even tighter. ‘I …’ Jake began, then stopped when his voice echoed throughout that chamber. It did sound strange, even to her. ‘I’m not very good at this,’ he admitted, then seemed to realise what he’d just said. Good at what? Giving speeches at funerals? Who was? Ghouls? Nobody enjoyed doing this, you just had to suck it up. Yeah, right, like you did? Julie said to herself. ‘Sorry … It’s … I’m finding this particularly hard because, well, regardless of what you’ve seen in the papers, on the news, I wasn’t the best dad I could have been to Jordan. I-I think I used to be, I mean I did a pretty good job of it when she was little. But … That is, in the last few years we’ve been … we’ve not really had that much to do with each other. The truth is we had an argument, a big argument. We’d been rubbing each other up the wrong way for a while and the whole thing just …’ Jake looked around at people’s faces, and Julie did too. Some appeared shocked, others just intrigued. ‘I don’t know if this is the right place to talk about all this, probably not. I think somewhere Jordan’s laughing at her old man for making a pig’s ear of it.’

  That got a bit of a nervous chuckle, so Jake carried on. ‘I think part of me really didn’t want to let go, to see her grow up, y’know? It must have driven her mad. But she was always my little girl. My little …’ Tears were welling in Jake’s eyes, and he paused to wipe them away before continuing. ‘I think that was the problem, but it was also what was special about our relationship. In spite of all the words that were said, the hurtful things on both sides neither of us really meant – and don’t matter anyway now – the love was still there. She was my daughter, and I was her dad. I should have been there for her, but I failed. I chose the easy option, walked away, because it’s what I thought she wanted. But I didn’t know, I never asked her. I just assumed it was easier for her, as well. Probably wasn’t, not having your dad around … I should know all about that.

  ‘That’s why I need to thank Jules … Julie, who was around. Who was there for Jordan. Thank Christ someone was.’ He gave the vicar a sideways glance. ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to …’ The holy man nodded. ‘I just wish that … Well, it doesn’t matter. It’s too late now. I just hope Jordan didn’t suffer too much, and that she knows she was loved by everyone here. Especially by her mum. And I hope she knows I love her too, that I never stopped loving her. I really didn’t. I … I think that’s all I … Thank you.’ Jake got down off the pulpit, almost tripping as he did so.

  He made his way back to his seat, but caught Julie’s eye as he did so. She was in floods of tears, her heart full, but smiling at him.

  A genuine smile of thanks.

  ***

  Well, that had been one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do.

  But actually, he was glad he’d been able to. Not glad his ex-wife was so devastated, but thankful he’d been given the opportunity to say all that. Julie looked like she was glad as well, though Greg was not smiling at all. However, when Jake glanced over at the back he saw Sam smiling, tears in her own eyes. She nodded; he’d done okay.

  He was so glad he’d invited her, asked her when they’d last seen each other – a bite to eat over dinner that time, and he’d paid. Ostensibly to talk about how they’d got on with the case, but at the same time company for each other. Two lonely people staving that off for a little while. He’d made sure her name had been left with the police on guard, not a member of the press but legally connected with the case. And a friend.

  Friends and family, right?

  She’d definitely got him through it, and for that Jake couldn’t thank Sam enough.

  The ending of the ceremony seemed to rush by then, and before he knew it he was being called on once more to heft the box. To carry his girl through the graveyard of tombstones that looked like ragged teeth, the odd angel looking on in despair. To the hole they’d dug out the back, to plant her in the ground; hidden away like she’d done herself with so many things.

  More words at the graveside from the vicar. ‘Ashes to ashes, dust to dust’, then handfuls of dirt being thrown onto the coffin which had been lowered into that space. Jake had joined Sam by the graveside, which drew a few looks from people – in particular Julie. But she had Greg and William with her, why shouldn’t he have someone to lean on too?

  Someone you hardly even know, he reminded himself, but that didn’t matter today. He was glad to have her there and no mistake.

  Most of the assembled crowd were moving away though now, even members of the family: Norman being wheeled down the grass, his carer helped by Greg.

  ‘You’re going to come to the wake?’ Jake said to Sam, drying more tears that had been shed during the actual burial.

  ‘I’m not so sure that’s a good idea,’ she told him. ‘Even withou
t my legendary powers of people reading, I think I can work out how your ex-wife feels about me.’

  ‘Jules?’ said Jake. ‘But why should she—’

  ‘You really don’t know anything about women, do you?’ Sam stated.

  ‘But there’s nothing to—’ Sam kissed him on the cheek and began to move away. It was only then that Jake saw it, the figure standing on the other side of the graveyard. How he’d slipped past the cordon, Jake had no idea, but there he was, standing as large as life – larger even – and staring across at where the mourners had been. ‘What the hell …’

  Sam paused, looking too. Then bristled. ‘Jake. Now don’t do anything stupid.’ Anything else was the inference. Like starting up where he’d left off with Drummond on the day he’d put his only daughter in the ground.

  Jake made to move in his direction. ‘I’m just going to see what he thinks he’s playing at.’

  ‘Please don’t,’ said Sam. ‘It’s not worth it.’

  But Jake was already moving, barely felt the hand on his arm as he did so. Assumed it was Sam’s, until it held him fast, stopped him in his tracks. He turned, to see Matt standing beside him. ‘You should listen to the lady, Jake,’ said the policeman. ‘She knows what she’s talking about.’

  Jake looked from Matt, back across at the figure. ‘But he’s just …’

  Matt’s grip tightened. ‘Let me sort it out.’ It was what the cops had been saying all along, what Channing said practically on a loop so often it should have been his mantra. ‘I’ll get in touch with a few of the boys, they’ll shift him.’ Jake took in his friend again. ‘I promise.’

  He sighed, looked down at the hole in the ground and nodded. Saw the sense of what Matt and Sam were saying. Not today, he needed to leave it today.

  ‘Come on,’ said his friend, and Jake went with them. Down towards the church where the rest of the mourners were waiting.

  Chapter 16

  The wake was held at a community centre, just across the road from Redmarket church.

  An array of buffet food had been laid on, more than any of them could eat in a lifetime: a sea of sausage rolls and sandwiches, a variety of vol-au-vents, a deluge of desserts. But Jake didn’t have any appetite at all.

  Sam had stayed a few minutes, just to make sure he went there, Jake guessed, and didn’t go tearing off after Drummond. But then she made her excuses and left. ‘Your ex is giving me the evils,’ she told Jake. ‘Better if I make myself scarce.’ She was probably right, but he had to say he missed her now she was gone.

  At least Norman had gone too, headed back to the home because he was getting tired apparently. Sick and tired of being around Jake more like. He’d watched as Julie hugged the man, but he didn’t really make any effort to hug her back. Norman had never been the most demonstrative of people in all the time Jake had known him, not with his daughter, not even with his granddaughter as such. There was as much bad blood with those two as there had been with him and Jordan, both down to him at the end of the day. He’d been the cause of so many of this family’s problems.

  Over the course of the afternoon, he’d made small talk with a few people, but not for more than a few minutes at a time. What did they want from him? He barely knew most of them. Greg had steered clear, but William made a point of coming over to talk to Jake. ‘That was a very moving speech, Mr Radcliffe,’ he told him. ‘I’m sure Jordan would have been proud of you. She was a lovely girl.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Jake. ‘Appreciate it.’

  When William had wandered off, heading in the direction of Jordan’s friends to chat to them, Julie came over and joined him. ‘Nice lad,’ he told her.

  ‘He is,’ she said. ‘Jordan and him were pretty close when he lived at home.’

  Jake nodded.

  ‘He’s quite a sensitive soul, I think he liked having someone there to talk to if he had a problem or whatever.’

  ‘Right,’ said Jake, suddenly quite envious of that closeness they’d shared. ‘And we’re sure he’s Greg’s, are we?’

  Julie looked at him, horrified, but couldn’t help a twitch of the mouth that he was sure would have broken into a grin if she hadn’t been fighting it. ‘Jake, that’s an awful thing to say.’

  ‘Well …’ was the only reply he could muster. He wanted to say so much more, about Greg – about her and Greg – but held back. He’d need a lot more than the tea and coffee on offer here before he got into all that. Julie probably would have done, too.

  ‘You just don’t know him, that’s all,’ Julie said finally.

  ‘I don’t want to,’ Jake replied honestly. When she pulled a face, he said, ‘Jules, it’s not like me and him are likely to be best friends, are we? That’s never going to happen. Why would you even want it to?’

  She remained silent for a moment, then said, ‘So, are you going to tell me who your new friend is?’

  The shift in topic was so sudden he had to think for a second who she was talking about. ‘Sam, you mean?’

  Julie nodded. ‘If that’s her name.’

  ‘She’s …’ Jake realised he didn’t know what to say about her, how to describe her – or broach the subject of what she did for a living. Who she was representing. So instead he simply said: ‘We’re just … There’s nothing going on.’

  Julie pursed her lips. ‘I wasn’t asking, Jake.’

  She so blatantly had been – why else would she have brought it up? If there was one person Jake knew in the whole world it was Jules. He knew when she was jealous as well, like right now – and especially after Sam had flagged it. Was there a part of him that quite enjoyed that, seeing her envious of another woman? He shook away the thoughts; again, not today. ‘Of course not,’ he said, and meant it, though it came across as a veiled accusation.

  ‘She’s pretty,’ Julie said then. ‘You should … It’s about time you had someone in your life, Jake. Moved on. I mean, I’ve got Greg.’

  Greg again. Fucking Greg. Jake paused, thought about those words, and an image of the bedroom back at his old home flashed through his mind. The bile started to rise and he pushed it back down, along with the unwelcome images.

  Buried them …

  Buried.

  ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘You’ve got Greg.’ And good luck with that. ‘She’s … Sam’s involved in the case,’ he told her after another uncomfortable silence.

  ‘Jordan’s case?’ Julie said, surprised.

  ‘Yes,’ he told her. Who else’s? What other case actually mattered? But he was starting to regret having said anything at all about it.

  ‘In what capacity?’ asked Julie.

  ‘She …’ If he didn’t tell her, he’d look like he was hiding things (you are hiding things, things that Jordan hid first). But if he did … ‘Sam’s Bobby Bannister’s lawyer.’

  A look of pure amazement passed across Julie’s face. If she’d been expecting anything, it wasn’t that. ‘What?’

  ‘You heard me.’ Jake was suddenly annoyed and didn’t even know why. The fact that Julie had been encouraging him to go off into the sunset with Sam? Or that he now had to defend her, because apparently it was some sort of betrayal? As if those thoughts hadn’t crossed his mind as well.

  ‘But … so why are you …’ Julie shook her head. ‘I really don’t understand you, Jake. I’m not sure I ever did.’

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ he said, then regretted it immediately.

  ‘Silly? I’m silly now, am I?’ She touched her chest, voice rising. ‘I’m not the one who’s seeing our daughter’s murderer’s lawyer.’

  ‘I’m not … Jules, please. She’s trying to help.’

  ‘I’ll bet,’ she snapped. ‘Helping herself to inside information … and whatever else. She should be reported.’

  ‘Julie, it’s not like that.’

  ‘Jake, can’t you see when someone’s playing you. Whatever you say to her she’ll twist it, use it to try and get Bobby off.’

  ‘How exactly is she going to do that? The poli
ce have a cast-iron case, Jules.’

  She shook her head. ‘I just don’t …’

  He placed a hand on her arm and she jumped a little. ‘I haven’t said anything to her, I promise. I wouldn’t do that. If anything, it’s the other way round. I’m trying to get to the bottom of all this, and she’s helping me.’ Julie’s breathing was slowing down. ‘I … You’re wrong, you know.’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘You’ve always known me, Jules. You’ve always got me. You’re probably the only person who ever did.’

  She looked into his eyes now, and suddenly the years were forgotten; the pain and misery were forgotten. Then a voice cut into the moment:

  ‘What’s all the shouting about? You all right, Julie?’ Greg. Fucking Greg again. Standing next to his wife, slipping his arm around her waist – a movement that forced Jake to drop his hand from her arm.

  She nodded, looking down, not looking at either Jake or Greg. ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Didn’t look fine,’ Greg grunted.

  ‘She said she was fine,’ Jake told him.

  Greg was raising his finger. ‘Because if you’re causing trouble again, I’ll—’

  ‘You’ll what?’ Jake took a step closer to the man, then suddenly there was another figure present.

  ‘Fellas, let’s calm things down, shall we?’ Matt, putting himself between them. ‘Remember where you are.’

  ‘Well, tell him then,’ sniped Greg, like he’d just been hauled up in front of the headmaster.

  ‘I’m telling both of you,’ said the policeman.

  ‘Greg, come on,’ said Julie, pulling him away from the scene. ‘Have some food.’ Jake was willing to bet it wasn’t the first time she’d distracted him with that line, judging from his gut. Greg let himself be led over to the buffet but didn’t take his arm from around her waist.

  ‘Prick,’ said Jake.