For Love or Money: A laugh out loud, heartwarming romantic comedy

by Clodagh Murphy

  ‘You’re just thinking of this now?’ she squealed desperately.

  ‘Sorry,’ Rafe said. ‘I’m killing the mood, aren’t I?’

  ‘Just a bit.’

  Stella would have found his hesitation amusing if it wasn’t so frustrating. ‘You’ve been with a woman before, right? Or would you like me to draw you a quick map?’

  Rafe looked up at her anxiously, but then saw that she was smiling and broke into a grin.

  ‘Or I could give you Dr Sterling’s number,’ Stella continued, ‘and you could get back to me when you’ve spoken to him. I’ll read a magazine while I wait.’

  ‘Dr Sterling?’

  ‘He’s the one who created my vagina.’

  He gave a groan of frustration, then ruffled his hair and shook his head as if waking himself up. ‘No need for that,’ he said. ‘I’ll just suck it and see.’

  ‘Suck it and see?’ She giggled as he bent his head to her again, kissing the tender flesh of her inner thigh.

  ‘Okay, why don’t I shut up now and show you what I mean?’

  ‘That sounds like a very good idea.’

  It was dark outside when Stella woke hours later, Rafe’s arms tight around her, his warm body entwined with hers. She felt the soft rise and fall of his chest, his breath warm on her skin as she studied his beautiful face. She could still hardly believe she was here with him like this, that last night had happened. It was all a bit overwhelming. Tears welled in her eyes as she thought of everything that had happened, the things Rafe had whispered to her last night, the promises he had made against her skin.

  She felt him stir, and his eyes fluttered open. ‘Hey.’ He reached for her, pulling her into his arms. ‘I’m sorry.’ He stroked her hair, kissed her cheeks.

  She sniffed, pulling a little away to look at him. ‘What are you sorry for?’

  ‘Whatever I did to make you cry. I presume it’s my fault.’

  She smiled. ‘You’re right. It is your fault I’m crying.’

  She saw him struggle not to flinch. ‘Sorry. Whatever it is, I’ll make it better, I promise.’

  ‘They’re happy tears, you dope.’ She cuffed him playfully on the chin and swiped at her eyes.

  ‘Really? So you’re not crying because it was a bit shit?’

  She laughed. ‘No. It was amazing.’

  ‘Because if it was a bit shit, you should tell me now. I’ll do better next time.’

  ‘I don’t think you could.’

  ‘I could try. I’d Google it.’

  She giggled. ‘What would you Google? How to make a trans woman happy in bed?’

  ‘Yeah. Something like that.’

  ‘You know what the first hit would be if you Googled that?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘A picture of you.’

  He grinned. ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Don’t look so smug.’ She frowned, but she couldn’t stop smiling. ‘I mean, there’s always room for improvement.’

  ‘Now that,’ he said, pulling her closer, ‘is fighting talk.’

  47

  Lesley looked along the candlelit table as the Dinner Dates guests took their seats, and wondered what she was doing here. She’d only said she was coming back to spite Al. She didn’t have to follow through – it wasn’t as if he’d know (or care) either way. It had been a mistake to come. She just wasn’t in the mood for making an effort tonight, and even if she did meet someone interesting, she wouldn’t be good company. They’d be seeing her at her worst, her absolute dullest. She was too down – too sad and lonely and pining for ...

  ‘Hello.’

  She looked up and was shocked to see Al slide into the seat across from her, like he had leapt out of her thoughts – her deepest longings made flesh.

  ‘Hi, I’m Al,’ he said, extending his large hand across the table to her. Dazedly she shook it.

  ‘Lesley,’ she said. Great! She wasn’t even getting a real date opposite her. Helen was obviously a man down, and Al had stepped into the breach, helpful as ever. Despite the fact that she’d already given up any hopes for the evening, she still felt pissed off that she was being short-changed – her and all the other single women here.

  She waited for Al to withdraw his hand and introduce himself to the women on either side of him. But when she tried to pull her hand away, he just gripped it tighter. He was being very rude, actually, completely ignoring everyone else at the table while he held her hand and gazed at her across the table.

  ‘Nice to meet you,’ she said tightly, yanking her hand out of his with such force that she shot back in her seat. She then proceeded to ignore him, forcing an animated smile onto her face and introducing herself to the men on either side of her.

  On her right she had David, who blatantly looked down her top while she introduced herself and then pointedly turned his back to her and started speaking to the skinny blonde on his other side. On her left was a good-looking guy called Darren, who was already up a point for speaking to her face rather than her chest.

  ‘What do you do, Lesley?’ he asked her.

  ‘I’m a freelance web developer,’ she said.

  ‘Oh, good for you.’

  ‘How’s business?’ Al asked her, blatantly eavesdropping and interrupting them.

  ‘It’s great. I’m very busy.’

  ‘Ah, you two already know each other?’ Darren said.

  ‘Oh, only slightly. So, tell me about you, Darren. What do you do?’

  ‘I’m an assistant bank manager.’

  ‘Oh.’ Lesley tried not to look too disheartened. It was a perfectly sensible job, after all.

  ‘Assistant bank manager by day,’ he elaborated. ‘Purveyor of laughs by night.’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘I’m cutting my teeth on the stand-up comedy circuit.’

  ‘Oh dear,’ Al murmured.

  ‘That’s great!’ Lesley said enthusiastically even as her heart sank.

  ‘Oh, it’s not as interesting as it sounds. Being a bank manager, I mean,’ Darren said, clearly in the belief that he was delivering a punchline.

  ‘Ha! Very funny.’

  ‘Not really,’ Al drawled.

  ‘Stop earwigging on our conversation, and talk to your own people,’ Lesley said to him crossly, indicating the women either side of him. ‘So, Darren, you were saying ... before we were so rudely interrupted.’

  ‘Um ... yes.’ He gave Al a frosty glare. ‘Well, as I was saying, comedy is where my heart really lies.’

  ‘Well, I think it’s great that you’re doing something you love, following your dream. Seizing the day and all that. Well done!’ Lesley clapped him on the back. She knew she was going over the top, but she wanted Al to see her having a good time, hitting it off with someone else. ‘Where do you perform?’

  ‘Just small clubs at the moment – open mic nights, that sort of thing. I’m trying to build a following. It’s very competitive.’

  ‘I bet. But fair play to you! What sort of stuff do you do?’

  ‘It’s mainly observational comedy. I’m a keen observer of human folly,’ Darren said, tapping his nose confidentially. ‘In fact, this whole dating scene has given me lots of material.’

  Great, so he was just here to gather material for his act. She wondered was there anyone here tonight who was looking for a relationship.

  ‘Internet dating, for instance. Have you ever tried it, Lesley?’

  ‘Yes, I’ve done a bit.’

  ‘Well, I’ve got a whole bit about the, shall we say, euphemisms that people use to describe themselves on dating sites. It’s like learning a whole new language.’ He put down his knife and fork to give her his full attention, looking her up and down. ‘Now, you would probably describe yourself as curvaceous, am I right?’

  ‘Well, it’s not a word I’d use—’

  ‘Christ!’ Al murmured under his breath.

  ‘But when you’ve been around the block a few times, you get wise to what it really means. Translation: fat. You
might as well call a whale a curvaceous fish.’ He looked at her expectantly, and somehow she realised she was expected to laugh. He was giving her a taster of his comedy stylings.

  ‘Oh, ha ha,’ she said. ‘Very good.’

  ‘Bloody rude, if you ask me,’ Al muttered.

  ‘She—’ Darren nodded to a girl at the far end of the table ‘—probably calls herself athletic. Wouldn’t knock herself out running for the bus, in other words.’ He chuckled, cracking up at his own wit.

  ‘Right.’ Lesley nodded. ‘Flat-chested – I get it.’ Oh, God, she shouldn’t have encouraged him. It was going to be a very long night. But she was aware of Al’s eyes on her the whole time, so she tried to look like she was enjoying herself.

  Al was being very rude to the women on either side of him, she thought, ignoring them to stare across the table at her and Darren, and barge into their conversation. Okay, so he was just here as filler and he wasn’t really looking to meet someone. But they didn’t know that. He didn’t have to make it so obvious that he wasn’t interested. He could at least be polite. The two women had clearly given up on him, and were now talking to each other across him. At least they seemed to have hit it off and they were chatting away nineteen to the dozen. In fact, they seemed the most successful pairing at the table so far.

  ‘I wish all my audiences were as quick on the uptake as you, Lesley,’ Darren said, on a roll now. ‘Now, what do you think it really means if a woman says she appreciates the finer things in life?’

  ‘Um ... I suppose that she likes good food and wine? Staying at nice hotels maybe ...’

  ‘Er-Er.’ Darren made a buzzer sound to indicate it was the wrong answer. ‘It means she’s looking for a sugar daddy.’

  ‘Oh. I see.’ Oh God, when would it be dessert so he could switch seats and annoy someone else.

  ‘A man with a curvaceous wallet,’ Darren continued, grinning at her delightedly.

  ‘Offensive,’ Al mumbled.

  ‘You shut up!’ Lesley hissed across the table at him. ‘You’re being very rude.’

  ‘You are being quite rude, Al,’ Helen said to him.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said to her.

  Al began talking to the woman on his right, and Lesley did her best to ignore him for the rest of the meal. But she realised that was going to be impossible when everyone changed places for dessert. The relief of getting rid of Darren was short-lived when he was replaced by Al.

  ‘Don’t talk to me,’ she hissed at him out of the side of her mouth as he sat down beside her.

  ‘Well, that’s not very friendly. How can I sit here and not talk to you?’

  ‘You seemed to manage all right with those two.’ She nodded across the table, where the two women were ignoring the rules and had scooched beside each other to continue their chat. They were deep in conversation, talking animatedly.

  ‘Lesley—’

  ‘Stop!’ She held up a hand to silence him, still refusing to look at him. ‘If you talk to me, I’ll tell everyone that you’re here under false pretences.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I know you’re just here as filler. If you say another word to me, I’ll expose you as the imposter you are.’

  ‘I’m not an imposter,’ he hissed at her as pots of chocolate mousse were placed in front of them.

  Lesley was momentarily distracted by the arrival of dessert. She picked up her spoon and tasted the mousse.

  ‘How’s your dessert?’ Al asked.

  ‘Mind your own business. I’m not talking to you.’

  ‘And I’m not just filler, by the way. That’s a horrible thing to say.’

  ‘Oh, I suppose you’re here looking for love, are you?’

  ‘As a matter of fact, I am.’

  Lesley turned to him. ‘Well, you’re not going about it the right way. You didn’t make any effort with those women. And now you’re pestering me when I’ve told you I’m not interested. Anyway, I don’t know why you’re here bothering me at all when you’ve got a perfectly good girlfriend at home.’

  ‘I don’t. Look, Cassie’s just—’

  ‘I don’t want to hear it.’ She picked up her spoon and gently tapped the side of her glass, not loud enough for anyone to pay particular attention. It was just a warning shot. ‘I’m going to make an announcement if you don’t shut up. I’ll tell everyone why you’re really here.’

  ‘Okay, okay.’ He reached out and stilled her hand. ‘Maybe I am here under false pretences. But it’s not what you think.’

  She turned and raised her eyebrows at him.

  ‘I’m not filler. But you’re right, I’m not looking for love. I’ve already met the woman I want.’

  ‘Tell me something I don’t already know.’

  ‘Helen actually had a full quota of men for tonight. I had to nobble one of her guests, in fact, so I could get an invitation.’

  ‘What? You’re ... evil!’ Lesley spluttered. ‘What if he’d been my soulmate?’

  ‘He wasn’t. I’m your soulmate.’

  ‘What about Cassie?’

  ‘What about her? We’re not back together, if that’s what you think.’

  ‘You lied to me about your kitchen being a mess.’

  ‘You broke into my house under false pretences.’

  ‘I didn’t break in! She let me in. Your precious girlfriend.’

  ‘She’s not my girlfriend.’

  ‘That’s not what it looked like to me.’

  ‘What, when you were spying on me behind my back?’

  ‘Well, I could hardly spy on you in front of your face, could I? That’s not how you do spying.’

  ‘Did you put me under surveillance? Were you watching my house?’

  ‘What if I was?’

  ‘Right, you two!’ Helen roared, giving the table an almighty whack that made them both jump and startled everyone into silence. ‘If you can’t behave yourselves, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.’

  Lesley blushed to the roots of her hair as she realised all eyes were on her and Al. ‘Sorry,’ she said to Helen.

  ‘Sorry,’ Al murmured.

  There was a brief pause, then the hum of conversation started up again.

  ‘I’m not back together with Cassie,’ Al said to her in a low voice. ‘She’s moved back to Dublin and she’s just staying at my house for a couple of weeks while her apartment’s being renovated.’

  ‘Huh! Like your kitchen was being renovated?’

  ‘I’m sorry I lied about it. But I was afraid you’d get the wrong end of the stick if you knew she was living there. It was only for a couple of weeks, so there didn’t seem to be any reason for you to find out. I wasn’t counting on you staking me out.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have had to stake you out if you hadn’t lied to me. Why should I believe you anyway? Why would you let your ex stay with you if you’re not—’

  ‘Because we’re still friends. But that’s all.’

  ‘Oh yeah, I know what your lot are like, all taking turns to have a go on each other and then going back to being chums.’

  ‘That’s ridiculous! Besides, Cassie is with someone else now.’

  ‘Oh, who? And don’t say Jean-Claude, because I know no one ends up with Jean-Claude.’

  ‘Okay, that’s enough,’ Helen snapped. ‘Outside, the pair of you.’

  Lesley hadn’t even realised they’d raised their voices again. They both stood, mumbling shamefaced apologies to Helen and the rest of the guests.

  ‘Go out and think about what you’ve done, and don’t come back until you can be civil to each other,’ Helen said as they shuffled out of the room. But Lesley glanced back in the doorway and saw that she was smiling slyly to herself. She gave Lesley an almost imperceptible wink.

  ‘Well, I guess we’re in the doghouse,’ Al said when they were cooling their heels in the hall.

  ‘Did you really nobble one of the guests so that you could come here and see me?’ Lesley asked.

  ‘Yep. I really
did. Can’t say I regret it either, I’m afraid.’

  Lesley smiled, hope blooming in her chest. Because when she cooled off and thought about it rationally, why would he be here chasing her if he was with Cassie? ‘Sorry I snooped around your house,’ she said.

  ‘It’s okay.’ He shrugged.

  ‘You don’t mind?’

  ‘You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t carry out due diligence on me. And it’s you that I love.’

  ‘Really? You do?’

  ‘To distraction.’

  ‘But what about Cassie?’

  ‘What about her? I told you, we’re not together anymore.’

  ‘But you want to be. I know you still love her. I heard you telling her at that party in Nice.’

  ‘As a friend.’

  ‘But you were delighted when I said I thought she wanted you back. You should have seen your face. It was like I’d just told you you’d won the lottery. Your whole mood changed like that.’ She snapped her fingers.

  ‘Ah, I admit that’s true.’ Al smiled. ‘I was happy because you noticed and seemed quite put out about it. It gave me hope that you might be jealous.’

  ‘Oh.’ Now Lesley was smiling.

  ‘I want to be your boyfriend again but for real this time. I want to kiss you with tongue, and touch you under your clothes. Lots of nudity, and everything below the waist is in play. And I want boob action – all the boob action I can get. What do you say?’

  ‘Deal,’ Lesley said, moving closer.

  ‘And I’ll invite you into my kitchen, of course,’ Al said. ‘We can go there right now, if you like?’

  ‘I appreciate the offer, and I definitely want to see your kitchen again. But my place is nearer,’ she said, slipping her hand into his.

  A Note From The Author

  Thank you so much for reading For Love or Money. I hope you enjoyed it!

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