The Letter

by Emma Crawley

  "What kind of life shall we have together?" I asked.

  Darcy looked down at me with a puzzled frown.

  "What sort of life do you imagine we should have? We shall be husband and wife. Are you expecting something else?"

  I took a deep breath and nodded.

  "What troubles you?"

  "I suppose what I wish to know is if we shall live together as husband and wife. We should be married in the eyes of everyone, but considering how our marriage came about, I worry about how we should live. I know many wives who are buried away in the countryside while their husbands enjoy life in the cities."

  "And you fear you will have that kind of life with me?" Darcy frowned.

  I shrugged but did not respond. Darcy stopped once again and once again, he turned me to look at him.

  "I know many men such as the ones you described," he said. "I will not pretend they do not exist. But I think little of them, and I have no intention of being that kind of husband myself. I have always determined that when I married, my wife and I should be together as a unit. Although our marriage did not come about in ideal circumstances, as my wife, you shall be the first person in my life. I have no intention of leaving you in the countryside when I pursue the gambling halls and drinking dens of London. Now, please be serious, Elizabeth. Do you really think I am that sort of man? I can hardly endure a ball at the best of times. I do not think I am in any danger of becoming a rake once I am a husband and, God willing, I have a family of my own."

  A family of his own. I dropped my eyes to the ground, unable to look at him. I felt his finger under my chin, and he gently tilted my face up towards him.

  He frowned slightly, though his eyes were gentle. "What is the matter?"

  I felt my face burn, but I forced myself past my discomfort.

  "A family of our own. You and I having children together. It is all so strange to me."

  "Surely you knew what marriage would entail?"

  "Of course, I did! I am not as countrified as all that. I am merely saying it is astonishing to me. To go in a few weeks from you being a person from my past who I never thought to see again, to the man I am about to marry, and who I will have children with. I think I am entitled to feel a little strange about the situation."

  Darcy did not speak for a moment. He looked over my head, and his eyes drifted about the garden as though he struggled with whatever was going through his mind. Finally, he turned back to me.

  "Forgive me. I did not think of that. I have imagined you as my wife and the mother of my children for so many months, it seems perfectly natural to me, as though nothing else can or ever would happen. I forget, or perhaps I choose to forget that this is all new to you. While I have pictured our lives together, such a thought never crossed your mind. I am several steps ahead of you, am I not?"

  I smiled, feeling relieved he understood.

  "You will have time to get used to me, you know."

  I laughed. "You heard my mother. We will be married very soon. By the end of the month. It is not much time to grow used to you as my husband, I am afraid."

  "You need not grow used to the idea before we are married," he said. "You will also have time after the ceremony. We shall travel together to Pemberley…" He took a deep breath. "But you may take whatever time you need. There is no rush. We are both young and healthy, so it is not as though we are in a hurry to produce an heir. You need have no fear I will impose on you before you are willing and ready. Do you understand what I mean?"

  I blushed and nodded, feeling too embarrassed to voice my words out loud.

  "Thank you. You are very generous. I suspect few men would be so considerate."

  "I hope that is not true. Elizabeth…" He placed his hand around my cheek and gently raised to my face so I could look at him again. Something at the about the way he held me made me want to sigh and rest against him. A pleasant something squirmed in my stomach at his proximity.

  "Yes?" The words almost did not come out.

  "Though I am forced to admit I want you very much, and look forward to the day you come to me, I do not wish to do so until you desire me as much as I desire you. I want our affections to be equal when it finally happens."

  I swallowed and could not avert my eyes. Something about this conversation made me feel very warm inside. I could hardly breathe as I looked at Darcy, and the thought occurred to me that the idea of going to him willingly was not as strange as it might have been before.

  "Thank you," I whispered. Without realising I was doing it, I raised my hand to cover his as it still held my cheek. I closed my fingers around it and caressed it. Darcy's eyes widened, and he drew a deep breath. His eyes were dark. As he looked at me, there was a question in his eyes. Almost mesmerised, I nodded. He bent his head towards me, and his lips met mine. My heart pounded so hard it was almost painful. As he deepened his kiss, I wrapped my arms around him, feeling as though I could not get enough of him. His hands held my face between his, and he caressed my face as he kissed me again and again. I had never known a feeling like it. I felt as though I were swimming as if everything inside me had melted and I wish for nothing more than to join with Darcy though I hardly understood what that meant.

  When he finally released me, his breath was ragged. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mine as though he needed time to recover.

  "You have no idea how long I have thought about doing that," he said. His hand still caressed my cheek. I smiled.

  "When was the first time?"

  Darcy looked at me as he considered his response.

  "I hardly know. My feelings for you came on so gradually, I was in the middle before I knew I had begun. But I think the first time I wanted to kiss you was when we dined at Lucas Lodge. Do you remember?"

  I smiled.

  "What I remember correctly is Sir Lucas catching me and trying to convince me to dance with you. I declined, feeling certain you would be horrified at the prospect."

  "Very much the opposite. Very much. I could not take my eyes off you all evening."

  I gasped. "I noticed that. So did Charlotte. She was the first to call my attention to it. I could not understand why you stared at me so often. "

  "What conclusion did you come to?"

  I smiled and shrugged. "I could only assume there was something about my appearance that caused you dissatisfaction. I could think of no other reason why you should look at me. As you are aware, I already had my reasons for thinking you thought little of my appearance."

  Darcy closed his eyes and groaned almost humorously.

  "I was an idiot. It still seems amazing to me I ever could have spoken so. I had not been many times in your company before I considered you the prettiest woman of my acquaintance. I loved to look at you. When we were at Lucas Lodge, I looked across the room and saw you smiling and laughing with one of your sisters. Your eyes are sparkling, and I thought I had never seen anything finer. I had an impulse to walk across the room and pull you into my arms. It would have astonished the entire room if I had behaved so."

  "The proper, gentlemanly Mr Darcy. It is hard to believe you have ever had such an impulse."

  His eyes as he looked down at me, were dark.

  "Gentleman or not, I am still a man, Elizabeth." His voice was almost a growl. Something about the way he said my name made me feel as though I were on fire, and before I knew it, his lips were on mine once again.

  "I think I had better stop there," he said rather shakily as he released to me. "I am testing the limits of my self-control right now. If we go any further, I will be forced to demand we marry this very evening."

  I laughed, though, like him, I felt as though my mind was spinning. The idea of marrying Mr Darcy that very night, and all that would follow, was suddenly an extremely appealing one.

  We continued to walk around the garden, though we walked hand-in-hand, with Darcy's large hand caressing my own. We spoke together and made plans about the future. As we did so, I heard running footsteps on
the gravel behind us. With the greatest of resignation, I turned to see Lydia bouncing down the path towards us. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Darcy holding my hand, and burst into a fit of giggles, her hand covering her mouth.

  "Oh, Lord! Look at you together. I never thought I would see the two of you in such a way." She looked between the two of us and giggled again.

  "What is it, Lydia?" I asked impatiently. I wondered if I should drop Darcy's hand before my sister, but his strong, firm fingers about mine told me he had no intention of doing any such thing.

  "Mama said I was to give you your shawl" She handed me the garment, and I took it with a sigh.

  "There was no need for that. It is summer, for goodness sake."

  "I think she is afraid you may catch a cold before the wedding," said Lydia with a broad grin. I snatched the shawl from her hands.

  "Thank you, Lydia." When she still did not move, I gave her a warning look. "Thank you, Lydia," I said with more firmness this time.

  She ignored me and stared as Mr Darcy. "Will you give us a ball at Pemberley when you are married? Mr Bingley gave us a ball. I am sure we can rely on you to do likewise."

  "I am not so sure about that," said Darcy stiffly. "We have enough to do with organising the wedding. And the ball will not come for a long time afterwards. Your sister and I will have far too much to do instead."

  Lydia glowered at him. She turned on her heel and marched away, though not before she muttered loudly for us to hear; "I wish Jane had married Mr Bingley instead. He would make a much better brother."

  I shook my head as I looked after her.

  "You must not pay too much attention to her. She is still very young. I am not without hope she will grow out of her silliness."

  "My sister is a similar age," said Darcy. He closed his mouth like a trap.

  Though I looked at him in annoyance, I could not argue with him. Georgiana was only a year older than Lydia, but I could not imagine her behaving similarly. Still, Lydia was young. I rather hoped she might have some experience, something that might frighten her into finally behaving like a lady.

  "Shall we return to the house?" I suggested. I wrapped the shawl around my shoulders. My mother had been right though I should never admit it to her. The evening had grown rather chilly.

  Darcy still stared beyond me towards where Lydia had disappeared.

  "I hope you will forgive me, but I think I will return to Netherfield. It is growing late, and you must be tired after your journey."

  "Of course." I felt a pang of disappointment. "Come, I shall send for your carriage."

  25

  As expected, my mother began the wedding plans in earnest. The wedding was to happen at the end of June, giving us only some weeks before we would be married. Every conversation revolved around the wedding. The wedding breakfast, the wedding clothes, whether Mr Darcy would have a new carriage for the wedding, and whatever else might strike envy in Lady Lucas’s heart. I could hardly listen to Mama as she talked on and on. I did not understand how she could have such energy for it. Frequently, I slipped away to walk about the countryside, the same countryside I had known all my life, but would soon be a part of my past.

  On one such walk, I encountered Darcy on his way to Longbourn. He enquired where I was walking to and then insisted on joining me. I still thrilled at his company as much as ever. In the previous days, we had grown even closer, united in our impatience with the wedding preparations taking place around us. We became much more comfortable in one another’s company, and to my delight, I found I could even make Darcy laugh and joke in ways he had never done before.

  “I think you will love Pemberley. I know I am biased, but I believe it is the most beautiful place in all the world. The Peaks are renowned for their beauty. We shall travel there together after we are married. They should be beautiful in July. The perfect weather for exploring them.”

  “I have always wanted to see them,” I said with enthusiasm. “How far are they from Pemberley? How long would it take us to travel there? Is it something we could do day after day?”

  Darcy laughed. “Day after day? How much time do you plan to spend exploring them?”

  “Oh, as much as I can spare when I am not being mistress of Pemberley.”

  Darcy smiled and caressed my hand.

  “Your duties as mistress of Pemberley will be many, I am afraid. I hope you will take part in the estate’s running. I know you have a quick mind, and I can not imagine you will be content to buy pretty dresses and leave the business to someone else, am I correct?”

  “You are, indeed.” I was flattered Darcy saw me in such a light. “My father consults with me on some of the runnings of Longbourn. I also visit the tenants and see to their concerns. Longbourn is far smaller than Pemberley, but you see I am not a complete novice.”

  “Your sisters do not take part in running Longbourn?”

  I shook my head. “No, not at all. They have never taken an interest in it. My father has offered to show them how it is run. But they have always had other interest to occupy their minds.”

  “Then, I am in luck. I have the best one of the lot. The most intelligent of all.”

  I smiled and shook my head. “I had not taken you for a flatterer, sir. What would Miss Bingley say if she knew how you can speak when you put your mind to it?”

  “Miss Bingley?” Darcy laughed, though his face coloured. “What has she to do with anything?”

  I gave him a look and shook my head. “Do not play coy. You know how she speaks with you. I should think she despises me more than anything for supplanting her as the future Mrs Darcy.”

  Darcy shook his head. “Miss Bingley was never an option as the future Mrs Darcy. She was nothing more than the sister of my friend. If she had any thought beyond that, it was her of her imagining alone. She was never to be my wife.”

  I laughed at his embarrassed expression. “I think she did not know that. And Mrs Portland. I think she was also keen to know you better.”

  Darcy frowned. “Mrs Portland is a married woman.”

  I smiled at his innocence. “Come, sir. I think if she thought you were available to her, her marriage would mean little to her. It seems you have women falling at your feet everywhere you go.”

  “Perhaps that is why you so enchanted me. You never sought my attention or my favour. You spoke with me, and you teased me, but I saw none of those arts, so many women use to gain the attention of men.”

  “I think we should not speak of why that was,” I said, with a smile. “But I hope even if I had seen your value then, I still would not have behaved like a Miss Bingley or a Mrs Portland.”

  “I do not believe you would have. It is not in your nature. And though I think I have seen you once or twice in the presence of a gentleman whose company you preferred, there were no arts, though I could not mistake your preference.”

  I looked at him in confusion. “Who do you mean?”

  Darcy raised his eyebrows at me. I felt a guilty pang.

  “Ah, you mean Mr Wickham. Yes, I must confess that for a while, I was rather partial to him. But it was nothing serious. A brief flirtation if you could even call it that. When I heard he was to marry Mary King, I did not regret it in the slightest. And when I heard their engagement was at an end, I felt nothing except a relief for her that she would escape a husband who would only make her miserable.”

  I scuffed at some twigs on the woodland floor. “I feel sorry for with every woman that man marries. And he will marry someday. Eventually, some young lady with little sense, or without a family to protect her, will fall prey to his charms. I hope it is no one I know. I could not bear to see any lady endure such a man.”

  Darcy nodded, and though he did not speak, his evident pleasure in my words was felt in how he caressed my hand in his. He swung it lightly as we walked along the forest path back towards Longbourn.

  I invited Darcy to join us for tea. As soon as we entered the drawing room, I regretted my decision. Th
e officers have paid us a visit on the insistence of my two younger sisters. And not just any officers. I looked across the room to see Mr Wickham standing with Denny on one end of the room, Kitty and Lydia both by his side.

  He looked up when he saw me, and his eyes went past me to Darcy. Darcy was standing so close beside me, I felt him tense at the sight of his old enemy. Wickham froze to the spot like a rabbit caught in headlamps. Denny glanced at us then back at Wickham. He also looked tense and uncomfortable.

  Darcy strode into the room, his hand under my elbow to bring me with him. He sat beside me and addressed himself only to me. Though he gave me his full attention, I could still feel his anger and resentment towards the man on the other side of the room. Our conversation was strained with none of the easiness we had enjoyed in the woods.

  Finally, he excused himself, citing a desire to write to his sister.

  “I hope you are not leaving because Wickham is here,” I whispered as I saw him to the door. “You are almost a part of the family now. If anyone has a right to be here, it is you.”

  Darcy looked down at me and smiled. He glanced back towards the passage to ensure we were alone and bent down swiftly to give me another one of those heart-stopping kisses.

  “That man should never run me out of anywhere. No, I am not leaving because of him. I do owe my sister a letter. I have been neglecting her in the past few days when I have been spending all my time with you. The sight of Wickham reminded me she still needs my comfort. I shall return as early as possible tomorrow.”

  I smiled up at him. “I very much look forward to it.”

  This time, it was I glanced back towards the passage before standing on my toes to kiss Darcy swiftly. He tensed in surprise for a moment, and as I tried to draw away, his arms went about me and pulled me against him tighter. Finally, he released to me as though it pained him to do so.

  “Until tomorrow,” he said in a slightly strained voice.

  I smiled after him as I watched him run down the steps and leave towards Netherfield. He had taken my habit of walking and had refused to bring his carriage. I watched him until I could no longer see him, and feeling little desire to return to the house, I went out into the garden to enjoy the soft summer evening.