The Very Thought of You

by Iris Morland

  Seeing him like this only made her orgasm lengthen, and she reached down to rub her clit one last time. Another burst of pleasure filled her. Caleb said her name as he kissed her, and she came with his tongue in her mouth, his seed on her stomach, and both of their hands touching her clit.

  "I love you," she said suddenly. She hadn't intended to say it, and especially not naked on her bakery's kitchen counter. But it had fallen from her tongue, like she couldn't stop herself. And it felt right.

  Caleb looked at her, like he couldn't believe she'd said that. His eyes were dark green pools, and Megan was afraid she'd gone too far. When he cupped her cheek in his hand, though, and he kissed her with such tenderness that her heart ached, she knew he felt the same. Even if the words were still unsaid.

  Yet as he pulled away, she couldn't help but think that his kiss tasted of endings. Like he knew this would never happen again. She clutched his shoulders and he let her, but after a few moments, he pulled away. She felt like a part of herself had been separated from her very body.

  "I should go." He got dressed.

  Megan didn't move. Her body was replete, but her mind was racing. And to make things worse, she couldn't find her voice.

  When he kissed her one last time and then helped her get dressed, escorting her from the bakery to her car, she couldn't speak. It was like someone had stolen her voice, like she'd uttered the last words she'd ever say.

  "Goodbye, Megan." Caleb touched her face, and before she could say anything, he'd gotten into his car and driven away.

  16

  Megan couldn't sleep, and she couldn't eat. She couldn't do anything except agonize over Caleb. Jubilee's admission about Caleb losing his best friend Daniel kept coming back to her.

  Something in her gut told her that Caleb was hiding something, and it had to do with Daniel. Had Caleb been there that night somehow? But wouldn't that be common knowledge?

  Early on a Sunday morning, hours before she'd have to go the bakery, Megan sat at her computer and stared at the screen. Her heart pounded in her chest. It would be so simple to Google what she wanted to know. Assuming Google could even tell her. If no one in Fair Haven had so much as whispered about Caleb's involvement in Daniel's death, she doubted it would come up on Google like when you searched for purses or a highly rated plumber.

  What if you find out something you don't want to know? That was the real conundrum. Because Caleb could only be keeping something from her that he truly didn't want her to know.

  But she couldn't let the whispers go. She typed in her search terms, and the first hit was an old newspaper article almost fifteen years old.

  Fair Haven High School Student Dies in Late-Night Crash

  She scanned the article and winced at the photograph of the mangled car at the top. Daniel Finley, 17 years old of Fair Haven, Wa., was driving on Daughtry Road early Saturday morning on March 23. At approximately 3:32 AM, his car crashed into a tree. Finley was killed on impact. Toxicology reports are pending. The funeral will be held on March 30 at First Hill Presbyterian Church, with family and close friends attending a private ceremony later in the afternoon.

  She didn't see anything about Caleb as she read the rest of the article that described Daniel as a top student and talented athlete. Peering at the photo of the mangled car, she looked for some evidence of Caleb, but there was nothing. Of course there wasn't. Did she think she was some kind of Sherlock Holmes?

  She let out a tense breath. Her heart ached for Daniel's family, and she couldn't help but compare this accident to her own arrest. She'd been fortunate that she hadn't driven to the party she'd attended, otherwise she wasn't sure she wouldn't have been stupid enough to have gotten behind the wheel.

  But she wouldn't give up quite yet. She continued to search, finding any bits and pieces she could pull up. Nothing gave her the clues she'd wanted. She once again returned to the photo of the mangled car, and something set off alarm bells in her brain.

  The car had been T-boned when it hit the tree. She’d known that already. But as she peered more closely, she saw that it wasn't the driver's side that had been smashed like a child's toy. It was the passenger's side. But Daniel had been driving—hadn’t he?

  Her breath caught in her throat. It wasn't improbable that Daniel would've been seriously injured regardless, but her gut told her otherwise. She began searching for more images, hoping against hope there was something somewhere that would show her the driver's side of the car. Finally, she found it on a blog that hadn't been updated in years, a rather macabre website of some of the state’s worst car accidents. She shuddered at the pages and pages of smashed cars before finding Daniel’s car.

  This photo allowed her to see the driver’s side. She wasn’t surprised to see that the driver’s side looked like the car hadn’t even been hit.

  Daniel had to have been the car’s passenger. And she knew, without even hearing him say it, that Caleb had been the driver.

  Megan called Sara. When Sara heard the emotion in Megan's voice, she said, "I'll be right there."

  Megan unlocked the front door and sat down with Gary on her lap. Gary, though, didn't appreciate Megan's overly rough petting, and he jumped down from her lap to sit on a chair by himself.

  "What's going on?" Sara asked as she came inside. She looked like she'd just gotten out of bed, and her hair was in a messy ponytail.

  Megan wondered if her sister had come from Harrison's place, which only made her think about Caleb.

  Her heart twisted. And before she could stop herself, she burst into tears.

  Sara instantly went to her and pulled her into a hug, like she would do when Megan was little. Burrowing into her sister's embrace, Megan cried until her eyes hurt, and she was sure she didn't have any tears left. Her heart broke into so many pieces she knew she wouldn’t be able to put them all back together again. She cried for Daniel, for Caleb, for herself. She cried for the pain and guilt of adolescent mistakes that ended in such tragedy.

  Sara didn't ask her what had happened. She held her close, stroking her hair, and those simple actions allowed Megan to calm herself enough to explain what was going on.

  "Is it Caleb?" Sara asked. Her expression brimmed with concern. "Did you two break up? Have a fight?"

  Megan shook her head. "It's worse than that." She lowered her voice to a whisper, "I think he's keeping something from me. Something awful."

  "Like what? What are you thinking?"

  Megan wiped at her face and after getting her laptop, she showed Sara what she'd figured out only hours earlier. Sara furrowed her brow as Megan tried to explain.

  "So you think Caleb was the one driving that night? Is that it?" Sara frowned. "But how could that be? Wouldn't they have reported that?"

  "I thought the same, but I just keep feeling like there's something else that happened. I asked him more than once, but he wouldn't say anything."

  "Doesn't that confirm it then? That nothing happened?" Sara rubbed Megan's shoulder. "Because Caleb doesn't seem like the type of guy to do something like that. I know you two haven't always been on the best of terms, but just consider the logistics. There's no way this could've been kept hidden for this long, right?"

  Megan wanted to believe her sister. She hoped against hope that she was seeing something there that didn't exist, but it didn't help with her anxiety. She needed to talk to Caleb, otherwise she would be a basket case for the rest of the day.

  "If Caleb was drinking and driving and his friend died..." Megan rubbed her eyes, despair leaking into her voice. "I don't even know. It's too much to think about. And on top of it, he lied to me about it?" Her bottom lip trembled as she said it out loud.

  "Don't let yourself get worked up until you know the truth, okay? Do you want me to go with you? Do you want me to talk to Harrison? If anyone knows the truth, it would be him." At that statement, her eyes darkened. “And if he does know, then he’s been keeping secrets from me, the jerk.”

  Megan smiled a little at that. Sar
a had always protected her, and she knew her sister would do so for the rest of her life. "No, but thank you. And don’t be too hard on Harrison—it wasn’t his secret to tell, if it’s actually true.” Megan looked away, her heart aching, yet also full of love for her sister. And for Caleb, despite everything. “I never deserved a sister like you, you know.”

  A slight blush bloomed on Sara's cheeks. "What are you talking about? I did what I had to do. For us. It wasn't a matter of anyone deserving anything."

  "I know, but you took on the brunt of it. I hid behind you, and I knew I didn't need to. And then I got arrested..." Her voice trailed away, memories flooding her mind. "I repaid you by doing something stupid. I'm sorry."

  "Have you felt guilty about this for this long?" Sara asked incredulously. "Megan, you did something stupid, yes, but you were young. We all make stupid, thoughtless mistakes in our lives. Yes, even me. It's how we repair those relationships and work to earn the forgiveness of whomever we've hurt that matters most."

  Megan closed her eyes. Who had she hurt the most? Caleb. And now he was hurting her.

  Would they ever manage not to hurt each other, or would this be the vicious cycle they'd trapped themselves in?

  "Go talk to Caleb," Sara urged. "Right now. He's probably not even on duty today. Go. You need to know the truth, and sitting here with me isn't going to get you that."

  Megan hugged Sara tightly, letting herself be the little girl who could rely on her sister for just a moment. Then she pulled away and knew that she had to face reality—and adulthood—even if it resulted in breaking her own heart.

  Caleb wasn't surprised when Megan showed up on his doorstep early on Sunday. The look in her eyes explained it all. Terror and anger and guilt overflowed in equal measures.

  The moment she stepped inside, she asked, "Were you there the night Daniel died?"

  This is it. This is the end. Suddenly, it wasn't terror he felt—it was an infinite sadness. Sadness because he'd dug his own grave, and there was no one to keep him from suffocating.

  "Yes, I was," he replied.

  Her mouth tightened. "Were you the one driving? Not Daniel?"

  "Yes. It was me."

  They stared at each other. Megan struggled to breathe, and when she seemed like she was about to collapse, Caleb went to catch her. But she lurched away like she couldn't bear his touch.

  "Don't. I can't. You lied to me, and about something like this." She backed away, shaking her head. "You were drunk that night, weren't you? And so was Daniel. You got behind the wheel, and somehow, you survived."

  "You've got it exactly," he said, his voice dull. "How did you figure it out?"

  "I saw the photo of the car. So it's really true? That’s it?"

  "Yes."

  She covered her mouth with her hand, and there was such pain etched onto her face that Caleb felt like his heart was going to splinter right then and there. He'd never hated himself as much as he did in that moment.

  "I'm sorry." His voice was gruff, toneless. "I should've told you, but I thought once you knew, you would hate me." The laugh that burst from him surprised them both. "And look? I was right. You hate me."

  "It's not...it's not that simple. I trusted you, yet you wouldn't tell me the truth. That's what's breaking my heart right now, along with what you did. My heart breaks for Daniel, and even for you. I can’t imagine the guilt you’ve shouldered for so long." ​Her voice cracked.

  Caleb ran his fingers through his hair, disheveling it. He couldn't stop his agitated movements—a muscle in his jaw ticked, and a headache roared in his temples.

  "I can't believe after everything I told you, about my mom, about you arresting me for drinking," Megan said incredulously. "I spilled my heart to you, but you couldn't do the same? What does that say about how you feel about me?"

  He wasn’t a good man. He was a fraud, and a coward, and he should’ve left Megan alone. He knew that. But if he was sure of anything, it was how he felt about her.

  He took her by her upper arms, holding her captive. "What does it say about how I feel about you?” he whispered, hoarse. “It says that I'm so in love with you that I couldn't bear the thought of you leaving me and even worse, hating me. That I love you so much it's physically painful." His fingers dug into her arms. "I can't sleep, I can't eat. I can't live because you are the one person who gives me a reason to keep going. It's always been you. Haven't you realized that yet?"

  Her eyes glimmered with tears. "But you still lied to me."

  He stepped away. "Yes, I lied to you. Do you know that I've lived with the guilt of that night for close to fifteen years? That my own parents covered it all up to make it look like Daniel had been the one driving? They bribed everyone in this godforsaken town and I was a coward and didn't try to stop them. I thought maybe they could make it go away." His breaths were coming in puffs, and he couldn't get enough air. He felt like the walls were closing in on him. He buried his face in his hands, but it didn't stop the memories.

  "Caleb..." Megan breathed. She placed a hand on his forearm.

  "Don't touch me." He lurched away, and when he looked at her, he knew, he knew, it was over. "Don't look at me with pity. I don't deserve it. I killed my best friend and I let my parents cover it up because I was terrified.”

  She didn’t speak. Only her tears spoke to him, spilling from her eyes to shimmer on her cheeks.

  He had to explain—even if it didn’t make one bit of difference. “Do you know why I became a cop? Because I thought maybe, I could work for the rest of my life to right my wrongs. But it doesn't work like that, does it? It doesn't bring Daniel back from the dead. I’ve tried to abide by the letter of the law without fail, and I’ve served this community because I needed to show to myself that I could do something good for once."

  Megan just cried harder. "Oh, Caleb. You were both drinking that night, weren't you? You were young, and stupid, and I know what that's like. Don’t you think out of everyone, I would understand that? When you’re that age, you’re so sure you’re an adult, but you’re just a kid. A kid trying to act like nothing in life can hurt you. I get it. I would've at least tried to understand if you would've told me." She wiped the tears from her cheeks, but they kept coming. "But how can I trust you now with this between us? You didn’t think I was someone worth confiding in. Were you planning on never saying anything at all?”

  "No,” he said fiercely. “I wanted to tell you. But how could I when you’d told me how much you hated drinkers? I couldn’t, Megan. I couldn’t tell you without losing you in the process.”

  "Don’t you see, though?” Her voice was barely a whisper. “You’ve already lost me. You lied about something so huge…” She swallowed. "I can’t stand being lied to. Not about something as big as this. How do I even know who you are? I feel like I’ve never really known you.”

  Caleb was shaking, and his heart rattled against his ribs. He felt like the rope he’d grabbed onto was slipping from his grasp.

  In one last move of desperation, he hauled her into his arms. He couldn't let her go—she was his heart, his very soul. She was everything, and he was nothing. "I love you. Doesn't that mean something?"

  "It means everything." She cried harder, and he couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand to see her shedding tears over him.

  He kissed her, tasting the salt on her lips, and she sobbed against his mouth. They kissed until he was sure their bodies had melded together. It was a kiss that spoke with so many emotions that he shook from it. He tasted her love and her despair, and he wanted to take all of those emotions into himself.

  Megan broke away. "I can't do this. I can't. I'm sorry."

  When she left him finally, he didn’t try to stop her.

  17

  Caleb stared at his glass of whiskey, watching the light create shimmers of color in the liquid. He hadn't yet drunk a drop of it, and as he sat at the bar of the Fainting Goat, he knew he wouldn’t take a sip.

  He pushed the alcohol away, disgusted with
himself.

  It had been a week since he and Megan had ended things. He hadn't spoken to her, and the few glimpses he’d gotten of her had ended with her avoiding his gaze. He'd stood outside her bakery more than once, about to go inside and get her to take him back, but he couldn't do it.

  He was a coward, as always.

  "You look like shit," a voice said behind him. Harrison sat next to him and motioned to the bartender. "I'll have your darkest beer," he said.

  Caleb glowered at his older brother. He really was not in the mood for whatever it was Harrison thought he needed to say. So he decided to act like Harrison wasn't there.

  Too bad his brother could never catch a hint.

  "Sara told me some of what happened," Harrison said finally. "I'm assuming that's why you look like you've been kicked in the balls twenty times over. Also, she’s pissed at me for keeping secrets from her, even though I told her they weren’t my secrets." He looked annoyed. “So, thanks for that.”

  "Since you already know what happened between me and Megan, why are you here asking me about it?"

  "Don't bite my head off. I told Sara that you needed time alone, but she insisted that I was being a stupid man." He sipped his beer, considering. "I think it's time that you finally forgive yourself, Caleb."

  The rush of guilt filled Caleb until he couldn't breathe. It had been like this ever since Megan had confronted him, and it was almost impossible to find his balance again. The woman he loved hated his guts, and he deserved her disgust. What could he do? Go back in time and change the past?

  "I don't deserve forgiveness. Not for what I did to Daniel, and not for lying to Megan."

  "Do you know what I think?"

  "No, but I'm sure you'll tell me anyway."

  "I think, to you, forgiveness means you'll have to confront what happened and, yes, what you did. Because otherwise, you can push everything aside and try to act like nothing ever happened."