Heart Failure

by Chris Zett

  Lena’s mouth hung open for what felt like an eternity. Ever so slowly, her astonishment faded and transformed into a beautiful smile. “Thank you.”

  “Yeah, well, it needed to be said.” Jess needed to get away before she embarrassed herself any further. She pointed at Kayla. “We’re on our way to the park. See you later.”

  She waved at Kayla to follow and started down the driveway again.

  Kayla caught up to her before she even reached the street. “Do you want to tell me what that was about?”

  “No. I’d rather forget it ever happened.” Jess couldn’t possibly outrun her, as she was already short of breath. She slowed to a much more prudent pace.

  Their friendship wasn’t so deep that Jess would feel comfortable talking about her idiotic behavior. So she did what she always did when life got too complicated. She reverted to work. “How’s the situation at the free clinic? How is my star patient? I miss Mrs. Jameson and her cookies, even if I wouldn’t be able to eat them now.”

  As the sun dipped behind the tall trees next to the main house, the shadows on the flower bed lengthened and Lena had difficulty seeing the minute details of the leaf she wanted to include in her drawing. Should she get a light or resume her sketch whenever she could next steal an hour of time?

  She stood and sighed as her knees and spine protested. Okay, no more sketching tonight. She raised her arms in a stretch.

  “Um…hi.” Jess’s voice came from behind her. When had she gotten so close?

  Lena turned around, and Jess’s gaze shot upward to her face. Had Jess been looking at her ass? She probably had some grass clinging to her. She shifted her pens and sketchbook into one hand and brushed over her wide pants with the other. The linen was wrinkled from sitting too long in one position, but whatever had distracted Jess must have fallen off already. “Hi.”

  Jess gently rocked Ella’s stroller. “What are you drawing?”

  “Nothing special, just some flowers.” Lena clutched her book to her chest and hoped Jess would leave the topic alone. She was out of practice and didn’t intend to give Jess a reason to make fun of her.

  “I was about to start a walk. Do you want to join me?” Jess looked down at the handle of the stroller and no longer at Lena.

  Did that mean she was asking to be polite? But polite wasn’t really Jess’s style. She would have just said nothing if she didn’t mean it. And Lena’s stiff legs would definitely enjoy the movement. “Sure. I’ll grab a jacket and leave my sketchbook inside. Are you going down the road?”

  Jess nodded. “I wanted to go to the park.”

  “Then I’ll cut through the garden and meet you at the back gate.”

  “See you in a minute.” Jess flashed a genuine smile.

  Lena knew she had made the right decision. She hastened back to the house, placed her sketching supplies on the kitchen table, and grabbed her olive-green wrap jacket from the back of a chair. The well-used cotton was soft as she slipped inside, and she left the sides hanging open for now. It wasn’t that cold yet.

  When she emerged from the small gate at the end of the garden, Jess was still a few yards away. She pushed the stroller and mumbled something to Ella that Lena couldn’t understand.

  “Which way are we going?”

  Jess looked up and shrugged. “I don’t have a specific route, just toward the park. Ella seems to like the movement. I think it helps her fall asleep.”

  “She’s still awake? May I say hello?” When Jess nodded, Lena leaned over and peered into the stroller.

  Brilliant cornflower blue eyes stared back at her, full of innocence and happiness.

  Lena wiggled her fingers in greeting and grinned when Ella gurgled back. “Hi, cutie. How are you? Enjoying your walk so far?” She reached out with her finger and lightly touched one of the tiny hands.

  Ella opened and closed it around her finger, holding as tight as she could.

  “Sorry. Your adorable daughter won’t let me go.” Lena couldn’t stop smiling.

  “Adorable? Hm.” Jess smiled back.

  For the first time, Lena saw the resemblance between mother and daughter, especially as Jess’s eyes shone in the same shade as Ella’s.

  The soft grip around her finger loosened, as Ella let go in order to move her hand to her face. She yawned and almost swallowed her fist in the process.

  Lena and Jess both chuckled.

  With a sigh, Lena drew back her hand and straightened. “We better start our walk. She seems ready for bed.”

  Jess nodded and began walking at a brisk pace, wordlessly pushing the stroller.

  It wasn’t what Lena had expected from a relaxing evening stroll, but she enjoyed the chance to stretch her legs.

  All too soon, Jess slowed. She was breathing deeply in an overly controlled way. Was she out of breath already?

  They hadn’t walked that fast and hadn’t gone far at all. Maybe her illness had something to do with it? Lena wanted to ask if she was okay, but experience had shown that Jess wasn’t open to concerned questions.

  They walked at a slower pace until Jess’s breathing had settled again. As they were still in a residential area, most of the houses had lights blazing in at least one or two rooms. A woman walking her dog on the other side of the road held her hand up in greeting, and Lena reciprocated. Kids’ laughter came from behind a hedge, and a few houses down a man talked behind a fence. The voices blended into indiscernible background noise.

  The peaceful atmosphere washed away Lena’s stressful day. “This is nice. I’ve never taken a walk out here in the evening.”

  “I never used to either. Usually, I wouldn’t even be home from work at this time. And where I live, you wouldn’t go out on the streets to walk around without a destination,” Jess said in a low voice.

  “Do you miss your own house?” Lena couldn’t imagine living anywhere other than Maggie’s garden.

  “Condo. Yeah, sometimes. I love my mother, but I’ve lived on my own for so long that it’s difficult to share my space again. Plus, having more than two rooms for myself and Ella would be nice too.”

  “I’ve never lived in my own house before, always with roommates. And I get what you’re saying about having your own space, but sometimes I miss the familiarity of sharing with people you care for. Like my last roommate.” She groaned. “Maybe not so much sharing a bathroom with her obnoxious boyfriend, but still.”

  “Did you move out because of the boyfriend?” Jess’s voice was wary.

  “No, she didn’t like that she couldn’t play her music super loud while I had my massage clients. Are we back to the interrogation?” She didn’t mind talking about that part of her past, but the judgment in Jess’s tone irked her.

  Jess stopped walking and looked at her. The low evening light broke through trees and softened her features. “No, no, I’m sorry. If you want to, we can talk about me instead.” She grinned. “You know, I’m a doctor, and we tend to be self-absorbed and egotistical. I love talking about myself.”

  Lena laughed. She doubted that, but they could test the theory. “Are you sure?”

  “At least, that’s what my dates think of me.” A hint of bitterness clung to the statement. “Ask me anything.”

  “Are you such a bad date? Are you seeing someone right now?” Lena expected Jess to deflect the questions but wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine.

  “No, I haven’t for a while. Not since before I got pregnant. Too occupied with work, and whenever I tried, it fizzled out after a few dates.” Jess shrugged. “I don’t intend to be a bad date, but nothing much is going on in my life but work, so I can’t talk about anything else.”

  “I can relate. Some weeks all I do is work and sleep. I haven’t had the energy to date either.” And Lena didn’t want to think about how long it had been. “But isn’t there always something else to talk about?
Dreams? Hopes? Favorite movies?”

  “Maybe if I had time to actually watch movies. And recently my dreams have been about starting a family. Not such a good topic for the first couple of dates. I might have chased the women off before dessert.” Jess laughed in an awkward way that was adorable.

  “Yeah, lesbian dating isn’t what it’s supposed to be. I haven’t had the U-Haul on the second date experience either.” And that was how Lena had wanted it. Her no-commitment vibes had always helped to protect her heart.

  “Oh, you’re a lesbian too?” Jess looked over to at her with a grin. “I guess my gaydar is a bit rusty.”

  “See, now we have found something in common. Mine has been gathering dust for a while too.” Lena grinned back, and they continued their walk in companionable silence.

  At the next crossing, Jess stopped. “It’s getting dark. Do you want to turn around?”

  “No, not at all. This is nice.” She could walk for hours. This new side of Jess wasn’t something she’d expected to find. Had Jess really meant it when she’d told Lena to ask her anything? Time to test her commitment to that statement. “Was it a difficult decision to have Ella on your own?”

  “Wow, you don’t play around with easy questions.” Jess stopped walking to adjust Ella’s blanket even though her daughter hadn’t moved. She continued with her gaze on the street, “I guess the answer is yes and no. The wish of having a child had always been there but quiet in the shadows of whatever I was doing at the moment. There was always a good reason to postpone. Since I started high school, I’ve always had this plan for my life. I had mapped out the steps I needed to take to succeed professionally and even personally. But I realized there weren’t many years left to find a wife, settle down, and get pregnant, and I didn’t want to waste them on searching for the perfect partner. So I skipped a few steps, and here we are.”

  Lena wasn’t sure how to answer. She had never met someone who planned their life like that. Most people she knew, herself included, tried to keep from drowning as life’s tides and currents threw them from one direction to the other.

  Silence stretched between them like an empty ocean until Jess said, “I’m sorry. That was maybe more than you wanted to know, right?”

  “No, that’s fine. Thank you for sharing. It totally changes my perception of you.”

  “Now you see me as a sad thirty-something who is overly concerned with the ticking alarm in her ovaries?”

  “Um…” Lena would never say that, but she couldn’t deny it either.

  Jess snorted. “You don’t have to answer that.”

  The rustling of trees from the nearby park and muted music from one of the houses accompanied their walk as Lena thought about Jess’s words. Having a dream and a plan for her life and following them was something Lena had abandoned long ago before she even left high school. Jess’s tenacity was admirable.

  “What’s your dream?” Jess asked quietly.

  “Not starving?” Lena laughed, but it sounded hollow to her own ears. “That’s not really true, but I haven’t had much time to think about dreams and goals in the last few years. I was busy paying my bills.”

  “I’m sorry. You’re right. Being able to follow your dreams is a privilege, even if dreaming doesn’t cost anything.”

  Lena hummed noncommittally. In her experience, that wasn’t true. You paid for dreaming with tears and heartbreak. But she didn’t want to go into that right now. That was much too depressing for the first talk between not-even-friends. Lena needed to steer the conversation back to safer ground. “Are you up for a little round in the park?” She pointed to the entrance.

  “Sure. I think we can make the short loop before it’s too late.” Jess navigated the stroller past a narrow segment of the path.

  As they walked on, Lena mulled over what Jess had said. She had been flung into adulthood much too young and tucked her dreams away for later like toys packed in boxes in dark and dusty basements. Until now, she had forgotten those boxes even existed. Maybe she should search for them and see if their contents were still relevant today. But later.

  Now she would make a conscious effort to stay in the present, to enjoy the walk beneath the tall pine trees and the sense of peace and stability they offered by being there, always the same.

  Jess quickened her steps at the sight of Lena waiting for her on the patio. The last few times she’d asked Lena to join her, she had needed to work in the evenings. This would be their third walk together in the last couple of weeks.

  Usually, she didn’t rely on others for entertainment. After a long day in the hospital, surrounded by people who constantly wanted to talk about one thing or another, Jess had always relished her alone time in the evenings. But now she had only her mom and Ella for company, she missed spending time with someone closer to her age.

  “Hi, Jess.” Lena stood and grabbed her olive jacket from the table. Today she wore a wide, asymmetrical gray skirt that ended just below her knees and a loose navy tank top.

  Jess had been on more dates than she’d like to admit with women who talked, lived, and breathed fashion twenty-four-seven, but she’d never met someone like Lena who effortlessly combined clothes in all shapes and colors. She clearly cared more for comfort than showing off her body, even if she had nothing to hide. The self-confidence she carried herself with was sexier than a plunging neckline or high heels.

  “Hi, Ella. How was dinner?” As Lena bent over to look into the stroller, the skirt molded itself around her backside.

  Jess averted her gaze so as not to stare. Okay, maybe Lena didn’t hide all her assets.

  “Ready to go?” Lena’s question was still directed at Ella. She always talked to Ella with her normal voice.

  Of course, Ella wasn’t impressed and yawned instead.

  “I guess that means it was plenty but now start this walk so I can get to sleep.” Lena chuckled and straightened, smiling at Jess.

  Jess couldn’t help but smile back as they started walking down the driveway. “How was your day?”

  “Fine. The market was busy, which means I need to make more preserves soon. The owners of the café let me use their kitchen on Mondays when they’re closed.”

  “Can’t you do it at home or in my mom’s kitchen?” Jess had no idea of the amount of preserves they were talking about, but her mom’s six-burner-stove was large enough.

  “I could, but for health permit reasons, it’s easier if I do it in a professional kitchen. And I can do several batches there at once, which saves time. I just need to buy the glasses and print the labels beforehand. And I need to pick apples in my friend’s orchard.” Lena’s shoulders dropped, and she looked at her feet. “I hope my car starts. It’s been acting up lately. The drive is over an hour.”

  “I could drive you.” Jess was ready to jump at any excuse to get out of the house for a few hours.

  “No, that’s not why I said that. I’ll find a way. I can always barter with someone at the market for a few hours’ work.”

  “I know you didn’t say it to make me do it. But I offered. I have nothing to do all day but heat baby food and change diapers. You would be doing me a favor by letting me drive you somewhere.”

  They walked on for a couple of minutes without talking. For once, Jess didn’t mind that someone didn’t immediately agree with her. She loved that Lena took time to think over her decisions but then stuck to them.

  “Okay, I would love your help.”

  “Great. When?”

  “Could we pick the apples next Sunday? That’s my only day off.”

  Since she’d been on sick leave, the days blurred into one another, and Jess needed a moment to remember what day it was today. Tuesday. “Sunday is fine. And when will we pick up the jars?”

  “Maybe Monday before I go to the café? I’ll call the shops and order what I need so we can pick it up and deliver everyth
ing to the café in one go.”

  “Oh, I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. But I’ll reschedule it. No problem.”

  “No, don’t. Seeing your doctor is more important.”

  “No, really, it’s fine. I can move it to Tuesday. One of the perks of working in a hospital is getting easy access to appointments.” Jess wasn’t keen on discovering her heart failure hadn’t improved. It could wait a day. “So Sunday apples and Monday café?” Jess held out her hand.

  Lena shook it. “But you let me bring lunch.”

  “Deal.” Jess smiled. Watching someone make preserves sounded far more interesting than getting an echocardiogram.

  “The doctor’s appointment? Is it about Ella?” Lena glanced in the stroller with a concerned expression. “Is she okay?”

  “No, this is about my heart failure.” Jess would rather not talk about it, but she had no reason to hide anything from Lena.

  Lena stopped walking. “Heart failure! Oh, wow, I had no idea it was that serious.” Her eyes were wide, and she clutched the bar of the stroller.

  “Didn’t my mother tell you about it?” Jess winced. It had never occurred to her Lena wouldn’t know.

  “No, she wouldn’t give any details. She just said it was something unexpected.” Lena’s gaze swept over Jess. It held the same concern she’d shown for Ella seconds earlier. “I’m sorry. I don’t know anything about heart failure. Is it okay to ask some questions about it?”

  “Absolutely.” Questions about the disease she could handle. “I’m a cardiologist. Ask me anything you want to know.”

  “The first question that pops in my head is: Isn’t it something that old people get?” Lena blushed.

  Jess had to laugh. “Yes and no. It’s not common at my age but not unheard of. The kind I have is very rare. It’s called PPCM, peripartum cardiomyopathy, which means I got it because of my pregnancy. The specific cause is unknown, but it’s probably a combination of unlucky genetics and high levels of oxytocin at the end of pregnancy and during nursing.” Talking about it theoretically, as if explaining any other cardiac disease to anyone else, wasn’t as uncomfortable as Jess had expected.