Heart Failure

by Chris Zett

  Lena tilted her head to the side. “And what does that mean for you?”

  “I take some medication, and if you look at statistics, I’m very likely to recover.” And Jess had decided she believed in the numbers. They wouldn’t let her down. “I didn’t want to stay away from work so long, but I haven’t been fit enough to go back. And that’s why I need to get back in shape.” Jess pushed the stroller and took the turn to the park.

  After a few steps, Lena still hadn’t caught up to her. Jess looked back.

  Lena hurried after her, then touched her arm lightly, ready for immediate retreat. “But what does it really mean? Inside?”

  “Inside?” Did Lena want to know about the structural damage?

  “Emotionally. I can’t even begin to imagine being in your shoes. Are you afraid?”

  “Oh.” Afraid didn’t even begin to cover it; terrified was more like it. Jess shivered as if a sudden blizzard had wiped away all warmth. Only Lena’s hand on her arm provided a sliver of heat. “Yeah. What if my heart doesn’t recover? I might not be able to take care of Ella on my own.” Her throat constricted, and she swallowed once, twice, as if she could get rid of her fear that way.

  “Is there anything you can do to improve it? Can I help in any way?” The warm voice held none of the pity Jess had expected.

  Focus! Jess had learned long ago to push her fear and doubts aside to concentrate on what had to be done. Somehow, under Lena’s supportive gaze, the ballast that had to be shifted seemed lighter than before. “I guess you’re doing it already. You keep me company on my walks. I love Ella, but interesting conversation isn’t her forte. Talking to you stops me from brooding and wallowing in self-pity.” Plus, she enjoyed getting to know Lena but wasn’t sure how to express that particular feeling.

  “If you want, we could do this more often. Whenever I’m home in the evening and you’re up to it, I’ll take a walk with you.”

  “Thank you.” The idea of walking with Lena every evening brought a smile to Jess’s face. The promise was like the scent of a good wine, making her head buzz with anticipation and warming her from within.

  “You could join me for tai chi in the morning too. It’s supposed to be good for your health.” The enthusiasm in Lena’s voice was infectious.

  “Great idea.” Jess nodded. “You’ve been right about tai chi and core muscles. I read up about it after your lesson and found some scientific studies that show a positive benefit in cardiac diseases.”

  A smile played on Lena’s lips at the mention of studies. “So you’ll join me tomorrow?”

  “If you’ll let me know when it’s getting to much. I don’t want to occupy all your free time. I’m sure you have better things to do.” Jess walked on, even if it meant Lena’s hand slipped from her arm. But she didn’t want to appear too eager, too needy.

  Lena laughed. “You would think so, but really, you’re much better for me than falling asleep on the couch while trying to read something. That’s what I usually do.”

  “I saw you sketching several times in the garden. Don’t you do that in the evenings?”

  “Sometimes, yes. But most evenings I’m too tired to concentrate after working all day.”

  Jess could relate. After twelve or fourteen hours at the hospital, she often felt the same. More evenings than not, she’d fallen asleep on the couch in her apartment while her friends went out. And now that she had Ella, she didn’t expect her tiredness to leave her for the foreseeable future. She shook her head and chuckled.

  “What? Do you think my work isn’t tiring?” The hint of defensiveness in Lena’s voice wiped the grin from Jess’s face.

  “No, no. That’s not it! I was just laughing about my own delusions. What you described sounds exactly like what I did in the evenings before I moved here. When I wasn’t on call on the weekends, I might have gone out to dinner maybe every couple of months when my friends remembered I was still alive. The rest of my evenings, I spent on the uncomfortable couch. Why I thought this situation would improve when I had a baby in the house is beyond me.” Jess groaned. “Stupid.”

  “Stupid is a bit strong. Expectations and hope can cloud anyone’s judgment. Sometimes, when you want something enough, you don’t heed the warning signs.” Lena’s voice wavered at the last words. She swallowed audibly. Was Lena still talking about her?

  Jess had promised not to pry for more information, but the pain in Lena’s voice stirred something in her. Protectiveness? Whatever it was, it helped to keep her curiosity at bay. If Lena wanted to tell her what had hurt her in the past, she would at her own pace.

  “Whenever I bore you to death with my poor-me stories, just say the word and stop me,” Jess said. “Or kick me.”

  “You’re not that bad. And that’s what friends are for.” Lena’s voice was lighter now.

  Friends? Regular steps in perfect synchronicity filled the silence as Jess tried on the fit of that word. Her old friends had fallen to the wayside as she’d focused on her chosen path through med school and residency. Were they still her friends? She hadn’t even thought about calling one of them when she’d fallen ill. And she couldn’t imagine an honest conversation like today with any of them. Kayla was more of a work friend. When they did meet outside of the hospital, it was to vent about colleagues. Maybe Diana might count as a friend, even if their relationship was in the early stages. But Jess had shared more with her than anyone else in recent years; she had even admitted to being afraid.

  And now Lena offered her this gift, even though she had treated her like shit at first. Jess wanted to thank her, to apologize again, to tell her how much the offer meant, but the right words eluded her. Keep it simple.

  “I like that. Friends.” Jess took a deep breath to push the stroller up the hill. To her surprise, her lungs burned less than expected and she even had a little air left to talk. Maybe her doctor’s appointment would be something to look forward to after all.

  Chapter Twelve

  “Oh, here’s the crossing where the cute cat crossed the road two years ago. You have to turn left.” Lena waved toward the side street.

  Cute cat, really? But Jess had stopped asking questions thirty minutes ago. The answers were just too confusing. Lena’s internal map was like a collage, a collection of mental pictures, fun facts, and memories of unique trees.

  All too soon after leaving the highway east of Seattle, Jess was lost. She’d followed Lena’s directions and turned more times than she could count onto increasingly worse roads.

  She wasn’t completely lost, of course. If she looked at the sun and the time, she could calculate the cardinal points. She’d always prided herself on her sense of direction, which also helped her navigate twisted coronaries with a thin wire and transformed the black-on-white X-ray into a three-dimensional map in her mind. But her mental road map included street names and clear directions.

  She needed to trust Lena to return her to safety after their fruit forage expedition in the Washington wilderness. At least Lena seemed confident in her instructions.

  “Stop here and I’ll open the gate,” Lena said and pointed to a grassy spot next to the road.

  Gate? Maybe she didn’t know what she was doing after all. Jess saw only clusters of trees and shrubs overgrown with weeds and vines. But she did as instructed.

  Lena jumped out of the car and approached the hedge, if you could call something that was a mixture of at least half a dozen plants a hedge. She reached between the green leaves and pushed.

  Slowly the hedge, or at least a part that was more than wide enough for her car, moved. An overgrown dirt road led around a bend.

  Jess followed Lena, who shut the gate behind her car.

  Smiling, Lena returned to her seat and motioned Jess forward. “Only another mile. The road won’t get worse.”

  As promised, they soon reached their destination. The old wooden farmhou
se didn’t look too bad from a distance, but when Jess stopped between the house and the barn, it became obvious no one had lived here for quite some time.

  “Are your friends still using the house?” Jess doubted it was safe.

  “No. When they come here, they hike down to the river and camp. They use the place not more than three or four times a year but are reluctant to sell. They have a vague plan to renovate sometime in the future and retire here.”

  The paint was flaking and had faded to an indistinct pale gray in most places; the windows were boarded shut, and weeds, grass, and moss grew everywhere—the yard, the porch, and even parts of the roof. The barn was in similar condition.

  Jess couldn’t imagine the work it would take to make it inhabitable again. “Might be cheaper to tear it down and build a new house.”

  “I guess. I suppose it’s mostly nostalgia and not a real plan.” Lena stretched her arms over her head, and her T-shirt rode up to reveal a toned stomach. She had dressed differently for today’s expedition. Instead of her usual layers of loose linen and cotton, she wore jeans and a T-shirt. Both were faded and frayed at the seams but looked soft and comfortable despite the tight fit. “Are you ready to stretch your legs a little bit? The orchard is behind the kitchen garden, or rather, what’s left of it.”

  Jess opened the trunk to get the buckets. “Lead the way.”

  The walk through the overgrown garden didn’t take long. The sun shone, and a light breeze carried a mixture of scents Jess couldn’t identify. Everything smelled fresh and full of life. Bees and birds buzzed around them, not minding the intrusion into their territory. As they followed the almost unrecognizable path, Jess looked around for the vegetables that must have grown here years ago, but she couldn’t identify anything. “Mom would love it here.”

  “Oh, she does. She came with me last year to collect some seeds. It was difficult to get her to leave. Only when darkness fell was I able to tear her away. I wonder why she volunteered to stay home with Ella today.”

  “She’s taking her to meet some friends. I think she wants to show off her perfect granddaughter.” Jess laughed. “I can see her staying here for hours. I didn’t know you’d known her for so long.”

  “She bought one of my preserves last year, and we started talking about heirloom tomatoes and old types of vegetables. I mentioned this place to her, and she asked to go together. Her knowledge is amazing, I learned so much from her on that trip. She doesn’t just know the facts, but she can also relate them to you in such an interesting way. I think she might miss teaching.”

  Jess blinked at the open admiration in Lena’s tone. Intellectually, she knew her mom was an accomplished botanist who had published several papers and books and had been a popular professor at the university. But for Jess, botany had never seemed as interesting or important as her father’s work. She’d never thought anyone besides other botanists would value her mom’s knowledge. Maybe it was time she asked her mom about her work and listened as an adult and not a know-it-all teenager with preconceived judgment.

  “You might be on to something. She always loved teaching and never complained about her teaching requirements like some of her friends did and always tried to improve her courses. I’m sorry I never showed the slightest interest in plants. She’d have been all too happy to teach me everything she knows.”

  “It’s never too late to show some interest.” Lena’s statement lacked the reproach Jess mentally gave herself.

  “That’s what I just thought.” Jess’s mood lifted even further. They exchanged a smile, and Jess nearly stumbled over a pothole. Careful here, Jess. She swiveled her head to the front.

  At the sight in front of her, Jess’s mouth fell open. “Wow.” She had imagined the orchard as neat rows of trees, all roughly the same size. The grove was made up of old trees in all sizes and shapes. The gnarled branches twisted in every way possible. Some had been more successful and had overgrown the neighboring trees, creating a thick canopy of leaves. One apple tree had branches that grew in large boughs down to the ground, creating a shady dome that would have been the perfect place for a kid to build a fort. “I would have loved to hide in this private cave and read all summer.”

  “Me too. Or I would have climbed them all and built a crow’s nest somewhere.” Lena smiled wistfully. “I always loved to find places to scan the horizon.”

  “Oh? What were you looking for? Pirates? Dragons?” Jess put the buckets down and looked around for a good place to start.

  “My mother.” Lena’s smile vanished. “If I had spent more time in a cave reading, my life would have been much better.” She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. “Let’s start over here. This kind of apple is good for cooking, and the branches aren’t too high. Just pick whatever you can reach, never mind the size or shape.” She strode to the tree and started picking without looking back.

  This was the first time Lena had mentioned her mother. If she hadn’t grown up with her, did that mean she had died? It seemed to be a difficult topic for Lena, so Jess respected her silence.

  They picked their way around the tree in opposite directions. Jess waited for the usual signs of exhaustion to kick in, but neither her heart rate nor her breathing quickened. After twenty minutes, she was still fine. A wide grin broke out she couldn’t hold back if she wanted. Maybe she could return to work soon.

  Work. Jess trailed her hand over the solid tree trunk. The rough bark grazing her fingertips and the scents of summer were so far removed from her day-to-day life in the city. It was nearly impossible to imagine herself back in the sterile hospital. She closed her eyes and let the peace of the orchard wash over her.

  When she opened them again, Lena stood a foot away, pulling a branch to her with one arm. The other was stretched out to reach an especially big and red apple, but she couldn’t get a hold on it. She had to balance on her toes, making the jeans hug her ass as if they’d been tailored to captivate Jess’s attention.

  Stop staring. Jess pulled her gaze upward and used all her willpower not to linger on the swell of Lena’s breast. Whoa. Since when had her libido woken up like this? Today was about friends collecting apples together, nothing else.

  Apples. Right. She put down her basket and waded through the soft, knee-high grass to Lena’s side. “Let me. Just hold the branch down.”

  But Jess had underestimated her reach. To grab the prize, she needed to get even closer. A floral scent enticed her senses. Her side pressed into Lena’s, and no amount of willpower could erase the sensation of the soft breast next to her own. Sparks shot through her, igniting a fire in inappropriate parts of her body. She suppressed a groan.

  She wanted to prolong the touch. Instead, she propelled herself upward on her toes and grabbed the apple with more force than was strictly necessary.

  It tore from the branch, and the flexible wood vibrated, raining leaves and tiny pieces of bark on both of them.

  Lena sneezed and let go, stumbling into Jess.

  In an attempt to regain her balance, Jess reached around Lena with her free arm, but it was too late.

  They tumbled to the ground, Jess on her back and Lena on top of her, the precious apple clutched between them.

  Jess exhaled and took stock of her situation. The grass had cushioned her fall, so nothing hurt but her pride. When she experimentally wiggled her toes, everything moved as it should. She opened her eyes to see how Lena was doing.

  Lena’s brown curls fell like a mane around her, and several leaves, twigs, and pieces of bark were stuck in her hair. Wide hazel eyes, a shade lighter than the leaves with brown flecks like the bark, stared at Jess in shock. “I’m so sorry. Are you hurt?” Lena scrambled to get up but lost her balance and fell onto the grass.

  “I’m okay.” When Lena still looked concerned, Jess hastened to reassure her. “Really. Don’t worry. The ground is surprisingly comfortable as if we were lyi
ng in bed at home.” Bed? Why had she mentioned bed?

  Lena raised one sexy eyebrow. “Okay. If you say so.” With a smile as if nothing had happened, she jumped to her feet and held her hand out to help Jess up.

  Jess accepted the offer but let go of the hand as fast as possible before the sparks started again.

  When they both patted their clothes to loosen the leaves, bark, and grass clinging to them, Jess noticed she was still clutching the apple and offered it to Lena with a flourish.

  Laughing, Lena clutched it to her chest. “I hadn’t figured you for an Eve, but you keep surprising me.” She winked and put it carefully into her almost full bucket. “Come on, we need some of those pears over there before we can fight the blackberries.”

  Fight? That sounded exactly like what she needed to get her mind off her sudden attraction.

  Lena placed the last two pears into her bucket. Full again. She carried it to the next tree, where Jess had wandered in search of fruit that was easier to reach.

  It was safer to work on separate trees after what had happened earlier.

  At the memory of the tumble in the grass, her cheeks heated. Jess’s steady arm had held her while they went down, and the soft curves of her body had cushioned the fall. Even if Jess appeared soft on the outside, she had emanated a strength that Lena enjoyed a little too much.

  She had to step back to clear her head. This way led only to heartache.

  Jess had stopped picking pears. She raised her arms over her head and twisted her upper body from right to left as if she wanted to remove some kinks.

  The way her shirt stretched over her front didn’t help Lena’s good intentions, and she diverted her gaze to the buckets full of pears and apples. “I think we have enough. I’ll carry these to the car, and we can have a snack before we tackle the blackberries.”