Heart Failure

by Chris Zett

  But much too soon, Jess’s hand grasped hers and stilled it. “Sorry.” She groaned. “Too sensitive.”

  Lena leaned back to look at Jess. “No, I’m sorry.” She studied her for signs of reluctance but found none. “Tell me if anything is off limits.”

  “Your touch wasn’t off limits, only too much right now. There must be some kind of direct connection between my nipple and my clit they forgot to mention in my anatomy class.” The corner of her mouth rose in a half grin. After a second, she steered their still clasped hands lower, never touching her abdomen, to her patch of short, curly hair.

  Lena kept her gaze on Jess’s face, and when Jess let go of her hand, she trailed her fingers through the short hair until she reached the smooth skin on the inside of Jess’s thigh.

  Jess opened her legs and tried to shift her middle toward Lena’s hand. “Please.”

  Usually, Lena liked to play and tease, but today she didn’t want to make Jess beg in earnest. Jess had trusted her, and she wouldn’t let her regret it. She parted Jess’s lips with one finger and slid into the waiting wetness. With a happy sigh, she stroked back and forth once. Nothing compared to this wonderful silkiness. Lena circled her clit once, twice, then dipped her finger slowly into Jess’s opening to see if she liked it.

  The answer was unmistakably yes. Jess tried to push closer and groaned in frustration as Lena pulled back.

  This time she slipped two fingers in, just as slow.

  “Faster.” Jess moved with her, and Lena complied. The muscles in Jess’s thighs tensed as she arched her back to get even closer to Lena’s touch. One of her hands clutched Lena’s shoulder.

  With her thumb, Lena found Jess’s clit and skimmed over it. She didn’t know yet if it was as sensitive as her nipple.

  “More.” The word tore out of Jess with a pain-filled groan.

  Lena increased the pressure, and Jess’s whole body tensed. Her legs nearly crushed Lena’s hand, but even in the dim light, her expression of bliss was unmistakable.

  When Jess’s head fell back on the pillow, Lena stilled the movements of her hand but left her fingers where they were. Jess didn’t seem in a hurry to let go and neither was she.

  Jess slung her arms around Lena and cradled her against her chest.

  Scents of sweat, arousal, and Jess engulfed her. Lena closed her eyes and hummed contentedly. She could stay here forever. It felt like home.

  She blinked. No, no, forget that. Now! This was all about sex, not love. About fun, not feeling at a home. This was why she didn’t do flings; she couldn’t trust her nesting instinct not to wake up and roar to the forefront.

  “Sleep with me?” Jess’s whisper caressed Lena’s cheek like the touch of a butterfly wing.

  Bad, bad idea. But nothing short of an earthquake or fire could chase her out of Jess’s bed right now. Lena nodded, not trusting her voice.

  Jess pulled the comforter over them and tightened her arms around Lena underneath the blanket.

  Enveloped in a cocoon of warmth and safety, Lena closed her eyes and allowed weariness to settle.

  Jess stuffed the last carton of formula into the pantry, next to the whole grain muesli. She shuddered. If anyone had told her last year she’d end up with bird food for breakfast, she’d have thrown her grilled cheese sandwich at them. But she wasn’t running around, doing fourteen-hour shifts without lunch breaks anymore, so she’d had to adapt. Now that her groceries were stored and Ella’s room was restocked with the right size of diapers and clothes, not much more needed to be done.

  Jess pulled her crinkled to-do list from her pocket to see what came next. Her bedroom closet still needed to be cleaned out, but that would have to wait until Lena woke. Jess leaned on the wall of the hallway. The door at the far end was closed, and the apartment was silent in the early morning. Was Lena still sleeping? Or was she awake, tossing and turning, unwilling to get up? Was she regretting staying over? Or was she waiting for Jess to return? Now?

  An hour before dawn, Jess had woken and been unable to return to sleep. Lena had been snuggled to her back, warm and soft, her arm holding Jess around her middle. Lena’s naked front had been next to her naked back. Skin on skin. Lena’s hand on her abdomen, on the ugly stretch marks, burning like a branding iron. She’d needed to get up before someone got hurt by all the heat.

  Writing to-do lists for the upcoming week over her first and only cup of coffee, shopping for groceries online, and cleaning out her pantry had been great distractions. But just for a while.

  Jess took a couple of steps toward her bedroom. What are you doing?

  Lena had said she wasn’t in it for a relationship either. She’d probably stayed because of the neediness Jess had shown last night and might even be glad to wake up alone.

  She rubbed her temples. Why had she asked Lena to stay? What had she been thinking? Obviously, not much.

  She squared her shoulders, strode into the kitchen, and opened the fridge. It was stocked with more healthy stuff than she was used to, and choosing something not only for her but for Lena seemed too complicated. She closed it again with a sigh. She wasn’t hungry anyway.

  “Morning.” Lena’s voice was still a little rough with sleep.

  Jess swiveled around and smiled at the sight of Lena dressed in the bathrobe Jess had used during pregnancy. She’d had to sling the belt around herself twice. Lena’s hair was damp at the tips and even curlier than usual, and the urge to bury her hands in the gleaming strands was hard to resist.

  “Morning.” Jess couldn’t blame the roughness in her own voice on sleepiness, but maybe Lena wouldn’t notice. “You want some breakfast?”

  “Not yet. But I’d like something like that.” With a smile, she pointed at Jess.

  Instant heat hit her right in the middle like lightning, and the electric discharge raced through the length of her, leaving Jess tingling everywhere. Had she just suggested…? “What?” And now her voice was an octave too high. Smooth, Jess, very smooth.

  Laughing, Lena tugged at Jess’s T-shirt, sadly without touching her skin, then pointed at her sweatpants. “Something to wear for tai chi. I forgot to pack mine. I think we can both fit in front of the window if we move the chairs a bit.” She waved her hand at the empty space between the sitting and dining area.

  The last trace of electricity fled, leaving Jess empty. “Um…sure. Follow me.”

  With a specific mission in mind, it was easy to return to the bedroom and ignore the bed. Jess opened her closet and picked some of her prepregnancy sportswear. “I’ll move the chairs.” She thrust the bundle into Lena’s hands and left the room. No way could she watch her change right now.

  In the living room, Jess opened the blinds to let some natural light in. The windows were positioned to capture the setting sun over the water, but the view was still amazing in the morning. The first rays of sunshine painted the few clouds orange and pink on the canvas of an indigo sky.

  “Beautiful.” The voice came from directly behind her. Again, Lena had managed to sneak up on her. “Now I know why you chose this apartment.”

  “Yes, very beautiful.” Jess agreed, but at that moment she could only focus on Lena’s reflection in the floor-to-ceiling windows.

  The running tights and T-shirt fit Lena like a second skin and were far more revealing than the loose yoga pants she usually wore.

  Not that Jess needed the reminder of how perfectly the slight curve of Lena’s hip fit into her hand. The memory of last night would stay with her for a while.

  On the window’s surface, Mirror-Lena tilted her head and focused on Jess’s reflection. Their gazes met, and, for a second, Lena’s gaze sliced through all the protective layers Jess had wrapped around herself. She was laid as bare as she’d been last night, and it was even more terrifying than stripping naked.

  Jess broke the connection. “The view was a great selling poi
nt.” And a safe topic. “Let’s start.”

  As soon as Jess started the morning ritual, her thoughts settled like a wind chime after a storm, leaving her with a clear and calming note. When they finished, the magical predawn sky had transformed into a muted gray-blue morning. It was time to return to reality.

  “I need a shower. Help yourself to anything you need—coffee, tea, cereal. I have bagels in the freezer, or…” Jess stared at the kitchen. She should prepare breakfast for Lena or at least show her where things were. She was being rude, but she needed a moment to herself.

  “I’ll be okay. Take your time.” Lena squeezed her arm, then walked past her to the kitchen.

  Jess allowed herself the pleasure of watching her walk in the workout tights for exactly three seconds before she hurried to the bedroom. She quickly made the bed, then carried her change of clothes into the bathroom so she wouldn’t risk running around in a towel again.

  When she emerged, Lena had curled up in her reading chair in the bedroom. She’d pulled her legs up underneath herself and had both hands wrapped around a steaming mug. One of Jess’s old children’s books lay open on the wide arm of the chair. Lena looked so at home as if she’d always used this chair.

  A strange sense of familiarity swept over Jess, making her dizzy. She shook her head to clear it.

  “Hey.” Lena looked up with a tentative smile. “Join me for a minute?”

  Join? On the chair? It was oversized but not that big, at least not for two people who weren’t in an intimate relationship. Jess pushed the image of snuggling from her mind as fast as it had sprung up. Her gaze went to the bed. She swallowed. Even though she’d erased all visible traces of their night together, it still held the memory of waking up in Lena’s embrace and everything else they’d done last night.

  With one bare foot, Lena pushed the leather ottoman in her direction. It was big enough to sit one or two people and as plush as the chair.

  She should know; it had been her favorite place in the world when the chair still belonged to her dad. He had read to her from the very book Lena was reading, sitting in the same spot. Just as she planned to read the same book to Ella one day.

  Jess sat facing Lena, so close her knees almost brushed Lena’s bare feet. Taking her old place eased some of the tension from Jess’s shoulders. Years ago, she’d been more carefree, with an innate trust everything would be okay. Instead of planning every detail, she’d dreamed of the future.

  Lena handed her another mug from the side table. “I made you tea. I wasn’t sure if you’re back to coffee yet.”

  “Thanks. I had my one cup per day already.” Jess cradled the cup with a sigh. It looked awfully pale. “I hope that’ll be enough when I get back to work.”

  “Are you happy to return? You sound a bit… I don’t know…sad? Reluctant?”

  Jess blew on the hot liquid, then took a sip. Mint. Not as good as from her mom’s garden, but it was the only herbal tea she had besides some maternity anti-bloating stuff that tasted horrible. Even more shopping was needed, yet another thing for her ever-growing to-do list. She grimaced. She hadn’t answered Lena’s question. That was answer enough in itself.

  “Yes and no. I’m looking forward to getting out of my mom’s house and back to work. I love my job, and it’s not only a means to earn money. But…” She sighed and took another sip. “I’ll miss Ella during the day, when she’s most active. And to be honest, I’ll miss our morning tai chi and evening walks and talks.”

  A sad smile tugged at Lena’s lips. “I’ll miss it too. But I understand the feeling of wanting to be in your own space. You must be happy to be home again.” Lena gestured to the chair and the bed, but the swipe of her hand seemed to encompass the whole apartment or even the whole city, all of which was so unlike her mom’s home.

  Jess wouldn’t go as far as describing the fluttery feeling in her chest as happiness. It was more positive than negative, sure, but her decision was based on her mind, not her gut. And home? “I’m not so sure this is my home.”

  “No?” Lena rested her hand on Jess’s knee; it was still warm from the tea she’d held.

  “A home needs more than walls and furniture. Happy memories, personal attachment. If everything in here burned down, I wouldn’t miss a thing except for this chair and some of the old children’s books I saved for Ella. The rest is replaceable. Hell, most of the interior decoration wouldn’t have been my first choice. And I wasn’t home that much to create memories. I was either at work or out.”

  “So the living room…you didn’t pick the furniture?” Lena was trying for a neutral expression and tone, but she failed miserably.

  Jess laughed. “God, no. All that white and cream. In the beginning, I was afraid to sit on the couch. When I bought the condo, it was already furnished, and I never took the time to replace the stuff.”

  A real smile broke through Lena’s polite facade. “I’m so glad to hear that. Yesterday I couldn’t feel your energy flowing anywhere in the apartment, and that’s why I ended up in your bedroom. I was looking for traces of the real Jess. I found some in Ella’s room, but here, in this chair, I sense you the most. This is you.”

  “Yeah. This is as close as it gets at the moment.” Flowing energy. Jess wasn’t so sure she’d word it the same, but Lena was spot-on in her observation. She looked at Lena’s hand, which still rested on her knee. Was the heat and tingling spreading from her hand the same kind of energy, only Lena’s? Or was it plain lust and attraction? Whatever it was, she liked this connection. If her life wasn’t so complicated, she’d love to explore it again, see if she could find her old self or even discover a new and improved version of herself.

  “What part of yourself are you missing the most?” Lena leaned back to take another sip of tea and gave her an encouraging smile.

  The urge to confess her insecurities rose to the surface like a bear stumbling out of its cave after a long sleep in winter. She wanted to tell Lena all about how she felt soft and weak in her body, old and no longer attractive.

  Maybe it was the seat. She’d had hundreds of personal talks with her dad in the same position. Only Lena didn’t feel at all like a parental figure, and Jess didn’t expect her to solve all her problems or give absolution for the things she’d messed up. If it wasn’t the seat, maybe it was the woman. The thought sent shivers down her spine like an ice shower after the promise of spring—a warning not to trust too soon.

  Instead of answering the question, Jess rose, and her thigh cooled as Lena’s hand dropped away. “I need to work on my to-do list. It’s getting late.”

  “Sure.” If Lena was fazed by the change of topic, she didn’t let on. “Can I help in any way?”

  Even that innocent question seemed layered with a promise to listen and to encourage. But probably this extra meaning only existed in Jess’s head. She just needed a little time for herself to get back on track. “No, thanks. Stay here. Enjoy your tea and the book a little longer.”

  Chapter Twenty

  For a second, Jess hesitated at the door to the cath lab. The last time she’d been here, she’d seen the floor up close. And Kayla and Scott had needed to shock her to treat her arrhythmia. Coincidentally, those two were working together again.

  Jess squared her shoulders. “Someone called for backup?”

  “Sorry?” Scott did his trademark impression of a puppy, looking as if she’d yelled at him.

  Which she hadn’t. All day she had kept her temper at bay and reminded herself she’d be back at Ella’s side soon. Only seventeen minutes until my shift ends. And Scott was wasting precious seconds of it. “And?”

  “The patient had episodes of mild angina, and we suspected a routine case. But the stenosis of his left main coronary is ninety-nine percent.” He swallowed. “I want to attempt PCI but thought I should clear it with a senior attending. Or do you think I need to call cardiac surgery?”
r />   “Let me see the films.”

  Scott pressed a few buttons on the tableside control panel to call up the X-rays on the monitor.

  Jess studied the anatomy of the coronaries and grinned. Definitely a problem she could solve. “Let’s do PCI. I’ll scrub in.”

  “Oh. Do you want to take over?” The sad puppy look was back. Scott had still been a cardiology fellow during Jess’s pregnancy, but he’d started his interventional cardiology fellowship weeks ago and was eager to snatch up as many interventions as possible.

  Kayla, who stood half a step behind him, tapped her gloved index finger to her left wrist with a grimace.

  Mentally, Jess agreed. It would be so much faster if Jess did it herself. Then she could be home on time. She sighed. But that wouldn’t be fair. “I’ll talk you through it.”

  For the next fifty minutes, Jess put all thoughts of Ella from her mind. As they were finishing up, her work phone rang beneath her sterile paper gown. “Can you two manage the rest on your own?”

  When Scott nodded and Kayla gave her a thumbs-up, Jess quickly pulled off her gown and gloves and left the room.

  She opened her lead vest to fish the phone from her scrub pocket. “Riley.”

  “We need to talk about the TAVR schedules.” Dr. Huong had never been one for small talk. “Do you have a few minutes?”

  As he was Jess’s boss, the question was entirely rhetorical. “Yes. Do you want me to come up now?”

  “No. In thirty minutes.” He hung up before she could answer, as usual.

  Jess sighed. No way would she make it home in time to give Ella her dinner. In her experience, a thirty-minute wait would turn into forty or fifty. But getting back on the schedule to perform the most complex procedure in the cardiology department was worth any waiting time.