Heart Failure

by Chris Zett

  She slipped off the lead vest and skirt and hung them up. She hadn’t noticed it during the intervention, but her prepregnancy set had fit without chafing. When had she lost weight?

  To walk off some of her frustration about the delay, Jess went downstairs to slip out back. Calling the small patch of grass with a handful of trees and shrubs a garden was an insult to her mom’s, but the scent of something blooming in the late evening air calmed her somewhat. As she reached the bench where she’d given birth to Ella, someone was already sitting on it. Jess was about to leave when the woman turned her head. Diana, of course.

  She greeted her with a smile. “Hey, Jess. Back at work already?”

  “It’s my second day, but it feels as if I’ve been back for a month.” Jess rounded the bench and sat. “And what are you doing here, Dr. Rock Chick? Shirking your duties?”

  “Nah. I’m on the night shift and got here early. I tried to sneak in a visit with Emily, but she’s busy.” Diana sighed. “I haven’t seen much of her the last couple of days.”

  A few months ago, Jess would have reacted to the lovesick expression on Diana’s face with a smirk and a sarcastic comment, but today she felt with her. “I’m sorry.”

  Diana shrugged. “It is what it is. I knew what I was getting into. And when I finish my residency next year, I’ll have better control over my schedule, and then we can sync our shifts. Are you on call tonight?”

  “No, I’m waiting for a meeting with my boss.” Jess looked at her watch. “I hope it doesn’t take too long. I still have to pick up Ella from my mom’s before I go home.” She yawned. “Sorry. Driving back and forth to my mom’s place takes a couple of hours from my day I’d rather invest in sleep.”

  “Is Ella sleeping through the night?”

  “You’re joking, right?” Jess snorted. Diana clearly didn’t have much experience with babies.

  “I guess that means no.” Diana grinned.

  “Honestly, I’m pretty lucky from what I’ve heard. But you can’t plan on it.”

  Jess’s phone rang. Huong again. She groaned.

  “Give me another hour. Budget meeting.” He hung up before she could protest.

  Jess clenched the phone in her hand. “Does he think I have nothing to do but wait? Fucking idiot.”

  Diana looked at her with a raised eyebrow, so Jess explained.

  “I need to let my mom know.” She picked up her private phone.

  Her mom answered after the first ring. “Jess, are you okay?”

  “Yeah, sorry I didn’t call earlier. I’m stuck at work and was hoping for some good news before I called. But it seems I can’t make it to your place at a decent time. It could get late.” Jess yawned.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. Why don’t you head home to sleep, and we’ll take good care of Ella. She’ll be sleeping anyway and won’t notice you’re gone.”

  Sleep. That was really, really tempting. “Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure. Come by tomorrow after work. Or should I bring her to you?”

  “No, I’ll come get her.” But twenty-four hours more without Ella seemed like an eternity. “Is she asleep already?”

  “No, Lena is giving her a bottle. Do you want to talk to her?”

  Jess didn’t know who her mother was referring to, but she did want to talk with both. She wanted to listen to Ella coo nonsensical sounds and to Lena whisper her name. Loneliness grabbed her heart with icy fingers. She swallowed to keep the pain from her voice. “No, no, that’s fine. Just tell her I love her.”

  “I will. Bye.” Her mom hung up.

  Jess lowered the phone and stared at the black screen. The truth of what she’d said resonated through her like a shock wave. Love. She had meant Ella, of course. Not Lena. That would be absurd.

  Yes, she had spent two nights with Lena and countless evenings talking and walking. But love? What she was feeling toward Lena wasn’t like the feeling she had for Ella—the unstoppable force of a waterfall taking everything that got in its wake with it without a chance of escape, frightening and exhilarating and unmistakable. No, her feelings for Lena were completely different, more like a wide river, calm on the surface but still deep and powerful enough to move its boundaries or dig canyons. Was this love too?

  Yes. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

  “Everything okay?” Diana’s gentle question reminded Jess she wasn’t alone.

  She blinked. Okay? A warm glow somewhere in her middle told her it might be okay to love Lena. What would she do with this knowledge? Could she, would she be brave enough to tell Lena? But she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. “Yeah, I won’t see Ella for the next twenty-four hours.” She exaggeratedly rolled her eyes. “Who would have thought I’d end up such a sappy fool?”

  “I’m sorry. That sucks.” Diana chuckled. “I shouldn’t laugh, but your cursing reminds me of the day Ella was born.”

  After a second, Jess laughed with her. “I can only remember half of it, but we went through quite a collection of four-letter words between us.”

  Lena placed the baby monitor on the table and opened the fridge to get some tea. Maggie’s muted voice was getting closer, and when she entered the kitchen, her expression and the tight set of her shoulders said it all. Jess must have called to say she’d be late again, for the third time. And it had only been a week since she’d gone back to work.

  Wordlessly, Lena handed Maggie the glass of tea and filled another one, then picked up the baby monitor to go outside.

  Having tea together on the patio had become their new evening ritual after Lena’s short walks with Ella. It wasn’t much compared to the hours she and Jess had spent wandering the park, but it helped to settle Ella after her evening meal. Today she’d fallen asleep on the way back and hadn’t woken when Lena transferred her to her crib.

  If she was honest, the walks helped to settle Lena too. The work with Maggie was less demanding on her feet and more on her brain, so she needed the balance. But if she’d known Jess would be late again, she’d have taken a longer route.

  “Did she say when she’ll be here?” Lena gritted her teeth as she sat on her favorite chair next to the bench Maggie had settled on.

  “She didn’t know yet.” Maggie yawned and rubbed her eyes. “That girl is working herself to her grave. She’s barely recovered from her heart scare. Didn’t she learn anything?” It was rare for Maggie to criticize Jess aloud. Either she was getting more comfortable with Lena or more frustrated with her daughter. Or both.

  “If you want to go to bed, I can wait up for her.” Lena wasn’t tired yet, and Maggie looked ready to call it a day.

  “No, this is supposed to be your free time.” The care in Maggie’s voice was like a hug and helped her to let go of her tension for the moment.

  “I don’t mind. I want to work on my sketch, and I can do that here as well as at home.” That was the truth. Since she’d given up her waitressing job and most of the massage lessons, she had much more energy to be creative.

  Maggie studied her for a moment and seemed pleased with whatever she saw. “Thanks. If she isn’t here in half an hour, I might take you up on it.”

  Before the thirty minutes were up, Lena went to the garden house to get her sketching supplies and a sweater. It wasn’t too cold to stay outside yet, but the warmth of the day had faded with the setting sun.

  The light on the patio bathed the sitting area in an inviting glow, and Lena placed a vase with the handful of wildflowers and herbs she’d picked earlier in the middle of the wooden table.

  Maggie rubbed the leaves of the pineapple mint and smelled her fingers as she stood. “That looks lovely. Will you show me the sketch tomorrow?”

  “Sure.” Two weeks ago, Lena might have doubted the sincerity of the question and dismissed it as politeness. But Maggie was persistent. “Sleep well.”

  Lena had completed the sketch an
d was halfway through coloring it with watercolors when steps crunched on the gravel leading to the patio. She cleaned the paintbrush in the glass of water and waited. It was later than she’d thought Jess would come, and the simmering anger flared again.

  How could Jess do this to her mother? She was fit for her age, but grandmothers shouldn’t do the work of mothers. It had aged her grandma before her time to raise a child again. Lena still hadn’t forgiven her mother for the way she’d trampled all over her family.

  Jess was pale, and even the soft light couldn’t hide the dark smudges under her eyes. “Hey.” She paused at the table next to Lena’s chair and smiled. Only the smile didn’t erase the lines around her eyes but deepened them.

  Lena’s anger evaporated like mist in the morning sun. Jess hadn’t been out to party but to work, taking care of others. The least Lena could do was offer some care herself. “Sit down. Do you want a drink? Did you have dinner?”

  “No, thanks. I better take Ella and get going. It’s late. Where’s Mom?”

  “She already went to bed.” Lena pointed to the monitor. “Ella is fine, but you look as if you need a moment to regroup before you drive back.”

  Jess regarded the bench next to Lena with a longing expression. “Maybe five minutes.” She sat down and rested her head against the wall behind her. She wore a dark pant suit with a light-blue collared shirt. The elegant look was hot as hell but couldn’t be comfortable. Jess didn’t seem to mind and closed her eyes.

  “I’ll get you a drink and the rest of our dinner.” Lena pushed her chair back to get up.

  “No, please stay.” Jess stopped her with a hand on her arm. “I’m not hungry. I had a sandwich on my way. But I could use some company.” She pulled back her hand to stifle a yawn. “Sorry.”

  “Okay. But scoot over.” Lena rose and made a shooing motion with both hands. “Let me sit here.”

  Jess arched her eyebrows but didn’t ask why as she moved to the middle of the bench.

  “Thanks.” Lena sat and patted her lap. “Head or feet?”

  “What?” Jess blinked, and her confused expression was adorable.

  “Do you want to put your head or your feet in my lap for a massage? You look awful.” Lena softened the last comment with a smile, but she did mean it.

  For a few seconds, Jess resisted, but then she slipped out of her suit jacket and seemed to fold into herself. She carefully positioned her head in Lena’s lap and stretched her legs on the bench that was just long enough to fit them both. Her body was still stiff, though, and her eyes were open and wide.

  Lena couldn’t read the emotion that lurked behind the blue irises. She trailed her hand through Jess’s hair, gently massaging her scalp.

  “Oh.” The soft sigh was halfway between surprise and pleasure. Jess’s eyes fluttered shut. After a minute, her features softened.

  “Do you want to talk about your day?” Lena smoothed a persistent line between her brows. “Why are you so tired?”

  “Nothing special.” Jess sighed. “A few emergencies messed up the schedule in the cath lab, so my regular program was bumped to the end and I didn’t have time for lunch. And Ella kept me awake half the night with colic.” Her eyes opened again, and she looked at Lena. “Was she okay today? Mom said she was, but I know she downplays everything so I don’t worry at work.”

  “She was fine. Maybe a bit restless in the early morning, so I kept her in the wrap for a couple of hours. Afterward she was her old self.”

  “Oh.” Jess frowned. “I’m sorry you had to take care of her.”

  “Don’t be. I’m happy to do it. I love babies, and Ella is special. I guess she stole a piece of my heart.” A pain twisted in her chest where her heart should be. Ella hadn’t stolen a piece; she had cut Lena wide open until she was bleeding. Even though she had promised herself to take better care of her heart, another part was missing, and she wasn’t sure how much was left. And here she was, juggling with knives as she played with Jess’s hair. The effort to keep all that from showing in her expression was almost too much, but she dug out her best smiling mask from somewhere deep inside.

  “Yeah, she’s like that. The little thief has a nice collection of hearts. Mine too.” Jess closed her eyes again, and some of the lines around her eyes eased as she relaxed. “Thank you.”

  Lena concentrated on the slow scalp massage to calm her own racing pulse.

  “Lena?” Jess’s voice was slow and dipped in honey, on the brink of sleep.

  “Yeah?”

  “You would be a great mom. And partner.”

  “Mhm.” She couldn’t manage a real answer, but it wasn’t necessary. Jess’s breathing had evened out, and the residual tension left her body as she melted right into the bench.

  Lena’s heart bled a little more as she continued to caress Jess. It would keep the wound open, but she couldn’t resist, like a bee drawn to sweetened water only to drown in the drink. She would give Jess twenty minutes to nap and herself twenty minutes to bathe in the illusion of having someone to share her life with. Then she’d wake Jess to let her go to her own condo, with her own kid, and leave Lena behind, alone.

  Tuesday evening, Jess parked her car in the usual spot next to Lena’s rusty Ford. She patted the old car with a fond smile as she walked past it. When had it ceased to be an eyesore and turned into a welcome sign of coming home?

  With a lightness she’d lacked all day, Jess hurried around the garage and nearly collided with Ella’s stroller. She was only able to stop in time because she wasn’t dead tired for once.

  Lena gasped and clutched the bar of the stroller with both hands. “Jess! What are you doing here?”

  “I live here.” Jess laughed. She’d never been happier she left the bitter version of herself so far behind that Lena would joke with her about it.

  “Nuh-uh. I live here.” Lena was teasing, but the message hit home.

  Jess’s laughter died. Lena was right. She didn’t live here anymore. She lived thirty fucking minutes away, alone. She swallowed her disappointment and stepped to the side of the stroller to look at Ella.

  She was awake, smiling and oblivious to her mother’s inner turmoil. As always, her daughter’s innocence set everything in the right perspective.

  Jess leaned forward to reach in and caress Ella. “Hi, sweetie.” She breathed in the scent of lotion and milk and let the tension drain from her shoulders. She kissed Ella’s belly through the layers of clothing and blanket, straightened again, and smiled at Lena. “Where are you two going?”

  “Around the block. Do you have time for a walk before you head back?”

  Not only did Jess have the time for once, but she had been hoping they’d get the chance to talk again. But now that she had Lena’s company, words failed her. She didn’t want to talk about work or the logistics of driving back and forth. Most of all, she wanted to hear Lena’s voice.

  “How is working with my mom? Do you still like it?”

  “Like? That doesn’t do it justice. I love it. I’m learning so much. And do you know what I love best?” In her enthusiasm, Lena pushed the stroller faster up the hill.

  “No?” To her surprise, Jess wasn’t out of breath—yet.

  “Maggie’s work approach. She can’t stay too long on one task and switches between outlining, writing, and editing all the time. It’s wonderfully chaotic.”

  “Really? I take after my dad in that regard and plan everything meticulously, then stick to the plan.”

  “But we made a plan too and are still on schedule, just not in such a linear fashion. She takes a lot of breaks to tend to her garden, and I use those to work on my sketches. At the end of the day, we’ve worked way more than eight hours, but it doesn’t feel that way because of all the little breaks. And that schedule works really well to take care of Ella.”

  “Wait, are you taking care of Ella too? I thou
ght Mom was doing that?” Jess ran her hand through her hair and rubbed her neck.

  “Isn’t that okay? Don’t you trust me to?” Lena whispered the last question.

  “Oh, no, not at all. It’s just… Mom is family, and she offered, but I feel bad for foisting this babysitting job on you.” Jess opened a couple of buttons on the top of her shirt. She was warm but still not short of breath.

  “You didn’t foist anything on me. I only help Maggie. She loves taking care of Ella, but I think she prefers the spoiling part, and I don’t mind changing diapers.”

  Jess stared at Lena. Did she really mean it? “Thank you.” What else was there to say?

  When they reached the entrance to the park, Jess stopped Lena with a hand on her arm. “I don’t think my shoes are up to it. Sorry, I had an office day and needed to dress the part.” She pointed to the muddy path that was strewn with red and brown leaves.

  Lena’s eyes twinkled. “I noticed. Very impressive, Doctor Riley.”

  Jess groaned. “You’ll never let me forget that, right?”

  When Lena laughed, Jess nudged her with an elbow. “Can I push the stroller for a while? I kind of missed this the last couple of weeks.”

  They switched sides and walked on in silence. Lena broke it first. “I miss my sister.”

  “You’ve never really told me about her. How old is she now?”

  “Twelve. She was born when I was a senior in high school.”

  “Oh, that’s a big age difference. Was she a surprise?”

  “No, my mother… Actually, my mother was really, really young when she had me, so when she had Tammy, she was in her early thirties.” Lena shrugged as if it wasn’t important, but she kept her gaze on the ground.

  That explained a lot. “Is that why you lived with your grandma for so long?”

  “Yeah.”

  When it was clear nothing more was coming, Jess looked at Lena. Her head hung down, and she walked more mechanically, all the earlier enthusiasm drained from her. Maybe talking about her sister would bring a smile back to her face. The love in her voice was unmistakable, even if it was tinged with pain.