Heart Failure

by Chris Zett

  And now the walls crumbled all around her, burying her alive. She fought to take a calming breath, but her chest was tight as if stones crushed her. A sound, half wail, half sob, escaped her, and she pressed her hand over her mouth. She couldn’t cry now. She couldn’t break down. Stop it! Get up! But her limbs didn’t obey, their heaviness binding them to the bench like lead chains.

  “Lena, honey.” Maggie slid onto the bench next to her and slung one arm around her.

  Too tired to fight for composure anymore, Lena let herself be pulled into the embrace. Her tears continued to fall, streaking in hot rivulets down her face.

  Maggie held her, stroking her back.

  After what felt an eternity, Lena had no tears left, and numbness had replaced the pain. She freed herself from Maggie’s arms and rubbed her eyes. Her nose was stuffy, and she searched her pockets for a tissue.

  “Here.” Maggie held out a handkerchief—white, with a sprig of lavender stitched on it.

  Lena circled the stitching with the tip of her finger. “That’s too precious.”

  “Here,” Maggie repeated and pushed it into her hand. “You’re precious too.”

  That caused more tears, but Lena pressed her eyes closed to hold them back. “Thank you.” She wiped her face, blew her nose, and carefully folded the tissue to put it in her pocket. She’d wash it later. “I’m so sorry.”

  Maggie shook her head. “It’s okay. Come with me. I might have what you need.” She stood and offered her hand.

  Even though she didn’t want to appear needy, Lena grasped her hand like a lifeline and let Maggie lead her to the patio. The table was set for two with a stack of cinnamon buns.

  “Have you had breakfast yet? I had the urge to bake this morning.” She held up the plate.

  “Thank you.” Lena took the offered roll even though her stomach was too tight to eat. The warm scents of cinnamon and sugar filled the air with memories of her grandma. Instead of following her first instinct to push the memory away, Lena let it soothe her like a hug. She needed it today.

  Maggie poured coffee and placed a cup and a plate in front of Lena. “I haven’t seen you this weekend.”

  “I, um, I was with Rachel.” Even though she wasn’t sure her stomach was up for it, she took a bite of the cinnamon roll to gain some time.

  “You don’t have to explain, but… Did Rachel make you cry, or has something else happened? Can I help?”

  So Jess hadn’t talked to her mom after all. Lena wasn’t sure if she was relieved or disappointed. She put the roll on her plate, took a sip of coffee, and grimaced. It was too bitter after the intense sweetness. “I had to think about a few things and…I think I should move out.” Now that she had said the thing she’d been dreading all weekend, she didn’t feel the expected relief. Shouldn’t things be easier once you said them aloud?

  “What? Why?” Maggie seemed shocked. “Has something happened?”

  “Jess and I had a couple of discussions on Friday and Saturday, and we both said some hurtful things. But some of what she said had a bit of truth in it.”

  “Oh no!” Maggie grimaced. “I’m so sorry you have problems. But that’s no reason to move out. Can’t you work it out? Let me talk to her.”

  Lena blinked as tears threatened to fall again. She shouldn’t burden Maggie with her mess. “No, no. It’s my problem. I got too tangled up with all of you, especially Ella. It’s better if I keep a little distance.”

  “Did Jess say that?” Maggie almost growled.

  “I don’t want to involve you.”

  “I’m already involved.” Maggie pointed at her tear-stained blouse and sighed. “What has happened?”

  “She has this plan where I should come and live at her place as a full-time nanny.” Lena tried her best to sound neutral, but she couldn’t hold Maggie’s gaze.

  “Is that something you two have talked about before? Something you might want to do?”

  Lena pushed the last bit of the cinnamon roll from one side of her plate to the other. There was no room in her stomach beside the rising dread. “No. I mean, I love Ella, but working for Jess, living with her as an employee? That feels completely wrong.”

  “I’d say so. Not when you’re dating.”

  “We’re not dating.” How could they date if they both wanted and needed different things?

  “Well, whatever you call it, it’s not a work relationship, is it?”

  Lena snorted. “No, not at all.”

  “And let me guess, this arrangement is solving all of Jess’s time management problems? My girl is nothing but efficient.”

  Despite her predicament, Lena had to smile. “The way you say girl… She would hate it.”

  “She isn’t behaving like an adult recently. But I should not call her that to her face.” Maggie’s dry tone was so much like Jess’s that it left no doubt where her daughter had got it from.

  “Probably not.”

  “But back to your problem. What you said so far was she offered you a job and you declined. That’s hardly a reason to despair and move out. So what else has happened?”

  “You’re her mother. Shouldn’t you be on her side?”

  “I am, but you’re my friend too, and I always want to hear both sides. I hate to see you hurting.” The sincerity in her voice was Lena’s undoing.

  She couldn’t hold back anymore, and she didn’t want to anyway. She trusted Maggie. “It’s just…a couple of days ago, I told her about my complicated relationship with my mother. I didn’t grow up with her and when she took me to live with her, I was so happy…” Her eyes started to burn again, and Lena pressed them shut. She had wasted too many tears on her mother already. “I found out too late that she only wanted me as a cheap babysitter. I thought I was over it, but obviously I wasn’t. Jess opened an old wound.”

  “Jess asked you to be her babysitter even after you told her about your mother?” Maggie growled. “That girl!”

  Lena flinched. “She didn’t know about my mother using me, at least not all of it.” Because she had done herself what she accused Jess of: stayed on the surface and not opened deeply enough. “And I hurt her too. I said things she didn’t want to hear. That her way of handling Ella’s care wasn’t working out. And I accused her of…” Lena buried her face in her hands and rubbed her eyes.

  “But maybe she needed to hear that.” Maggie sighed. “Jess brooded and sulked around all weekend, and she wouldn’t have done that if you didn’t hit a nerve. The truth can be hurtful, but ultimately she’ll benefit from it.”

  She’d accused Jess of killing her mother. That wasn’t only hurtful and wrong, but uncalled for. Did Maggie know? She swallowed and let her hands drop to face Maggie. “Did she talk to you?”

  “Not yet. It usually takes a while.” Maggie smiled ruefully.

  Relief flooded Lena, immediately followed by another wave of guilt.

  Maggie didn’t seem to notice either. “Why don’t you wait a few days before you decide whether you move out or not? And talk to Jess again after you two have cooled down. Maybe this argument between you two will work itself out. Jess won’t be here that much this week because she has two nights on call.”

  Yesterday, moving out had seemed the best solution, but maybe Maggie was right. The garden house had become her home. Running away wasn’t a solution but a childish way of avoiding her problems. She shouldn’t let her fear of getting hurt direct her life. “Okay. I’ll stay and see how it is.”

  Maggie sipped her coffee and studied Lena for a moment. “Tell me if I can do anything for you. Do you want to take the day off?”

  “No, I’d rather work and get my mind on other things.” The next couple of evenings and nights would be enough time to reflect on her behavior. “If that’s okay with you?”

  “Sure. If you want to get your mind on something completely different, I h
ave a proposal for you. Friday evening, I had dinner with some former colleagues from the university. I was showing them pictures of Ella on my phone and some pictures of your sketches were between them. My friend Joanne loved them.”

  “Thank you.” Lena had long ago given up her dream of sharing her art with other people but that didn’t meant she couldn’t appreciate compliments. “That really brightens up my day.”

  “You haven’t heard the proposal yet. Joanne is an art professor at the University of Washington, and she’s teaching a course on botanical illustration this year. She’s offered to let you take the course if that’s something you’d be interested in.”

  “Art professor? At the university?” Lena’s voice was shaking, and she resisted the urge to pinch herself. “But I don’t have any qualifications or formal training.”

  “But you have talent and an eye for details.” Maggie shrugged. “Joanne loved what she saw and thinks you’re more than qualified.”

  For a moment, Lena let herself dream. She’d take the course, meet other art students, learn about the craft. But then reality snatched her out of her vision, and she slumped down in her seat. “Thank you. But I can’t afford it, and I won’t have the time to spare because I’m working.”

  “You don’t need to pay. You can sit in on the class for free. And we’ll make time for it. Providing you want to continue working with me?”

  “Yes, of course. Even if Jess can’t forgive me, I would still like to work with you.” A load lifted from Lena’s shoulder. Maggie wouldn’t let her go because of Jess. “But the other offer, I’m overwhelmed. I need to think about it.”

  “Take your time. She won’t take it back. If you want to, I can invite her over and you two can talk informally. Let me know what you prefer.”

  “Thanks.” Lena took the last bite of her cinnamon roll. The offer was tempting, but she needed to sleep on it. Today she was too emotionally drained to make a decision. With a look at Maggie’s plate and cup, she confirmed that she had finished her breakfast too. “Can we start work now? I think I need to do something that is absolutely not related to any of my emotional problems.”

  Maggie laughed. “How about sorting my stack of handwritten notes? That might be problematic but at least not emotionally.”

  At the sight of Lena’s car, Jess’s heartbeat quickened. Not in anger but with relief and anticipation. Not knowing where Lena was the last couple of days had been exhausting. Jess had no right to know about Lena’s comings and goings, but the possibility she had chased Lena away had filled her stomach with lead.

  Jess wasn’t up to facing her yet. She had given their discussion more than enough thought but still wasn’t sure she had a good grip on the problems that had come up during their arguments. That was why she had finished work extra early today and intended to talk to her mom.

  The patio was empty, but the doors to the kitchen stood wide open. Jess followed the scent of fresh vegetables and herbs. Her mom was cooking, and Ella lay in her carrier on the table, staring at the colorful chain of fish Lena had given her. Even though Jess always insisted this was her mother’s house and not her own, right now the warm and fuzzy feeling in her middle told her she was coming home.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “Jess, you’re here already.” Her tone held no accusation, but it still felt like one.

  Maybe because the topic had been on Jess’s mind all day. “Yeah, not much going on at work.” Only because she had pushed everything from her schedule that wasn’t time sensitive. Her residents and fellows were annoyed, but Jess had never attempted to win the most-likable competition and wouldn’t start now.

  “Hi, honey. Did you have fun today?” Jess went to Ella and picked her up. She kissed the smooth cheek, inhaling her scent. Home.

  Ella opened her hands and reached out, and Jess gave her a finger to cling to.

  With Ella on her arm, she wandered over to the stove. “What are you cooking?” The pot was enormous as if her mom planned to feed her high school track team.

  “Vegetable soup. The garden is overflowing, so I thought I’d freeze a few batches for winter. It’s almost ready. Do you want to join me for dinner?”

  That would be the perfect opportunity to ask her mom a few questions. At least if they were alone. “Won’t Lena eat with you?”

  “No, she wanted to eat alone tonight.” Her mom gave her the look. The look prompting her to spill her guts.

  Jess flashed back to her teenage years when she had done something stupid or tried to hide anything. She refrained from rolling her eyes, but it was difficult.

  “I’ll set the table.” She switched Ella to her hip and gathered the cutlery, water glasses, and napkins one handed. Another throwback to her teenage years, but now she did the job without sulking because she was grateful someone had cooked and she didn’t need to. Maybe it was time to say things like that out loud. “Thanks for cooking, Mom. I really appreciate your homemade meals.”

  Her mom carried two ceramic bowls filled with steaming soup to the table. She sat down with a wide smile. “I can’t remember hearing that from you before. You’re welcome.”

  They both dug in, and for a few minutes, the sounds of spoons dipping and contented sighs transported Jess to her childhood years.

  “Mom, how did you do it? Balance your career and motherhood?” Jess held the spoon out of Ella’s reach to let it cool.

  “Mmh, I guess I was lucky. I had just gotten a secure position at the university and took a year off. You were an easy baby, and your dad worked long hours, so I had time to write my first book. That sold well, not only in academia, and the university was more than happy to get me back afterward. Later I scheduled my lectures and office hours around your daycare and school. But we were a very privileged family. Money was never a problem for us, and we could hire people to clean, cook, and run errands.”

  “It all sounds so easy.”

  “Well, I glossed over the exhausting details.” Her mom smiled and took a sip of water. “You never asked me that before.”

  “I always took everything for granted. Hot meals when I arrived home, clean laundry, help with my homework. I never wondered how you fit in everything with a career.”

  “And now you’re looking for a way to handle it yourself?”

  “Yes. I’m tired all the time, and I don’t know if it’s remnants of my illness or everything else.”

  “I was constantly tired for five or six years. It got better once you started school.”

  Jess grimaced. That wasn’t an enticing prospect. “What else did you gloss over?”

  “I often felt alone. I loved your dad, but he was focused on his work and we barely saw each other, mostly just on weekends. I don’t know if you remember, but in the early years, he worked on Saturdays too.”

  Those Saturdays had been the highlight of Jess’s week. “I remember he took me with him sometimes. He always told me to stay in his office and paint something, but I snuck into the exam rooms and hid while he talked to patients. He had such a calming presence. I loved to listen to him.”

  Her mom shook her head with an indulgent smile. “I’m glad I only learned about that years later.”

  “You know, when I was a teenager, I always wanted to be a parent like Dad. Relaxed, fun on the weekends, always patient. He always had time for me in the evenings.” With the eyes of a single mother, these memories took on another shape as if someone had removed the colorful filter. “But he was home less than I remember, right? Did he help you with the day to day stuff?”

  “Your question says it all. He was always there for you, and he helped some. But if you want to know if it was an equal partnership, no. I did most of the mundane work, and he did the fun parts. I’m not hung up about it, but maybe you shouldn’t look at your dad or me as examples. Different times, different circumstances. What do you want? What kind of parent do you want to
be?”

  That question left her speechless for a moment. Jess ate a few more bites of soup to gain time, then put the spoon down. “I thought I knew, but…I really have no clue.”

  “Jess, honey, before your first day at school, you showed me a list of things you needed to learn in order to become a doctor. Before you started college, you had all your coursework mapped out for the next four years. Why do you have plans and contingency plans for everything but didn’t think about this before you got pregnant? Or during your pregnancy?”

  “I wish I knew. I always thought I had more time, and everything would fall into place naturally.” Jess ran her hand through her hair. Her mom was right. This lack of solid plans and preparations had been so unlike her she couldn’t understand it herself. “Or maybe I didn’t want to admit to myself I couldn’t do it alone. I had such an easy and happy childhood. I never saw you or Dad struggle.”

  “I think I should apologize.” Her mom’s sad smile underscored the realization that Jess had misinterpreted a major part of her childhood. “We always tried to keep our problems away from you.”

  “And I’m grateful for that. But if I had opened my eyes, I could have seen all the work it took. I guess I was blind and naive. And this might sound conceited, but I always achieved everything I set out to do. Track team, med school, getting the dates everyone else was envious of. I was the youngest cardiologist in our hospital to specialize in the TAVR technique. I thought I could do everything.” Heat rose into Jess’s cheeks. Yes, that did sound conceited, privileged, and terribly shallow. When had she turned into a woman she couldn’t respect anymore?

  “And you can do everything, but maybe not in the exact way you imagined. Change is a part of life. It’s not too late to ask yourself where your priorities in life are and how you want to proceed.”

  That was frighteningly close to what Lena had said to her. Jess nodded. “And I need to look at how my decisions impact others. Mom, is taking care of Ella too much for you during the day?”