Heart Failure

by Chris Zett

  “At the moment, no.”

  Jess could leave it at that. She had an answer that could quiet her guilty conscience, but she owed it to her mom to dig deeper. “But for how long? What about in a few months or a year?”

  “That’s a long time from now, but you’re right. We need to talk about it. I’m tapping into my energy reserves. It’s not a problem for now, but I can’t say how long they’ll last. But you know I’m happy to take care of Ella anytime. I love her as much as I love you and would do anything for my girls.”

  Tears pooled in Jess’s eyes, and she blinked them away. “Thank you, but I don’t think it’s a great idea we’re both running around depleting our reserves. I have to find an alternative. I thought I had, but…” She grimaced. She didn’t want to go into her discussion with Lena with her mom. She wasn’t sure she understood enough of what had happened.

  “I’ll support you, whatever you do. This alternative… Are you talking about the offer you made Lena?”

  “She told you?” Jess froze with her spoon halfway to her mouth. “What did she say?”

  “Not much. She told me you offered her a job as a nanny. Why did you do that?”

  “I thought she’d love working with Ella. And I trust her, more than anyone but you.” Jess sighed. “I offended her, but I’m not sure why. How is she?”

  “When I saw her this morning, she was hurt and confused. She’s even thinking about moving.”

  “What? Why?” The spoon fell into the bowl, and hot soup splashed on Jess’s hand. She couldn’t care less about that.

  “So she can avoid you. Or so she said.”

  “But…she loves the garden house and the work with you. Why would she give all that up to avoid me?” Jess’s heart clenched. Had she driven Lena away?

  “You need to ask her that, not me.”

  “Do you think she’d talk to me?” The thought that she wouldn’t, that it was too late, hurt as if a knife twisted in Jess’s stomach.

  “Yes of course. Lena needs a little time. And unlike you, she likes to talk through her problems, not stew over them silently.”

  Since when did her mom know Lena so well? But she was right. Time was something she could give, even if it would take all her resolve not to run to Lena right now. “I’ll give her time, and then I’ll apologize. Maybe we can get our friendship back.”

  “Is friendship all there is between you?”

  The memory of waking in Lena’s arms flashed in her mind, followed by the picture of sitting at her feet on the ottoman in her bedroom. Jess couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so seen and cared for, but she’d fled like a coward. She’d feared she was getting in too deep, too fast. “Maybe not. But I don’t know if I can offer her more. I’m not the best I can be at the moment.”

  “But maybe you don’t need to be more now. She seems to like you as you are. You can always grow together.”

  Jess leaned back in her chair. “Maybe.” Another thing to put on her mental list of things to consider. Even if she wasn’t her best self, would she have something to offer Lena might want? Would Lena be able to see past her failings and weaknesses, or would she reject what little Jess had to offer? And where could she find the time for a relationship when she wasn’t even able to care for her child alone?

  Lena ripped open the large envelope and poured out the contents on the kitchen table. Her former roommate had forwarded anything in her letterbox indiscriminately. She could imagine far better plans for the evening than sorting mail, but she had learned the hard way that procrastination didn’t help paying her bills.

  Junk, Chinese takeout menu, junk, a bill she already had paid, junk, pizza menu. Lena sighed in relief. For once, she seemed to be on top of things. She picked up the pizza menu to add it to the recycling stack and recoiled as if she’d uncovered a snake about to bite.

  The white envelope with her typed name and address looked like nothing special. But one glance at the sender was all it took to freeze her with panic.

  Her mother had written her. Again. Hadn’t she understood Lena didn’t want to keep in contact? She’d never replied to any of the letters and had ignored all phone calls. What more could she do?

  You could act like an adult and tell her. The voice of reason sounded suspiciously like her grandma. Lena put down the crinkled pizza menu and held up the letter instead.

  Before she could change her mind, she tore it open and shook out the single sheet, ripped from a legal pad. Her mother’s uneven handwriting covered most of it. The words tumbled over the page like drunken dancers, and the trembling of Lena’s fingers didn’t help to decipher the text.

  Lena took a deep breath and pressed the page to the table. She could do this. She scanned the page.

  Nothing new. Only the regular reminder her mother suffered in prison because she hadn’t the money to buy the daily necessities.

  Like painkillers and drugs. Not that her mother would spell it out for the guards to read.

  It continued with the accusation that Lena owed her because she’d been the sole heir of Grandma.

  Yeah, right. As if she’d seen a penny of her inheritance after she’d paid off her mother’s bills.

  The letter ended with a plea to pick up the phone the next time she called.

  Not one question about Lena, about her life or health or financial struggle.

  Not one word of affection.

  She crumpled the paper into a tight ball and flung it into the recycling bin. It bounced out of the woven basket and rolled over the floor until it ended up at her feet. Like the pinecone she’d mangled on her walk with Jess.

  A strangled laugh escaped Lena, halfway to a sob.

  Why did she let her mother get to her like that? She’d prided herself in being over her, but that wasn’t true. She’d allowed her unresolved anger at her mother to color her interaction with Jess. That wasn’t fair, neither to Jess nor to herself. She needed to work on getting over her pain.

  Lena jumped up and paced from the kitchen to the living room and back, picking up the discarded letter. Her mother was right even if Lena hated to admit it. They needed to talk.

  Before she could change her mind, she dug her old cell phone from the desk drawer and plugged it to the charger in her kitchen. After a moment, it sprang to life with a series of loud beeps. Ten missed calls. Lena didn’t need to check the numbers, only one person ever tried to reach her on this phone. Her mother must be desperate to talk to her. How long would it take until she tried again?

  Please let it be soon. Dread churned in her stomach at the thought of waiting for days, always on edge. If only Lena could control the timing of the talk, but calling the prison wasn’t possible and traveling all the way to Illinois for a face-to-face meeting wasn’t in her budget.

  As if the universe had heard her plea, the phone started to ring. The shrill tone sent shivers down her spine. She hadn’t prepared, she wasn’t ready, she wanted to shut it off and crawl into her bed.

  Oh, no. You don’t. Lena stabbed the button to answer the call. “Walker.”

  A mechanical voice advised her where the call came from and that it would be recorded, followed by her mother. “Lena? Is that really you?”

  “Um, hi, Caroline.”

  “Why didn’t you take any of my calls? Do you have any idea what it takes for me to get in line here?” Her mother snorted, a sound so familiar that Lena could almost see the accompanying eye-rolling. “Of course not. You’re free to come and go as you please.”

  “I’m sorry.” Lena leaned against the kitchen counter. The wood was solid behind her back.

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m calling because you need to make a deposit in my account. Did you get my letter?”

  Lena twisted the cable of the charger around her index finger until the blood flow was cut off. The sharp pain was a welcome distraction. This wasn’t what they n
eeded to talk about. “I did, but—”

  “And why didn’t you send me money already?” Her mother’s voice sounded harsher than the last time they talked. Did she smoke more?

  “I can’t.” Lena whispered the words but that wouldn’t do. She swallowed and tried again, louder this time. “I can’t send you money.”

  “Can’t or won’t? You don’t realize how it’s inside. If you hadn’t bailed on me, I wouldn’t be here. You owe me because you’re my daughter and—”

  “Stop it.” Lena had enough. She let the cable twist off her finger and stood straighter even though her mother couldn’t see her. “You’re in prison because you decided to scam people instead of working an honest job or two. I’m in debt because I decided to trust you and support you. We’re both paying for our decisions. I can’t give you any money, and even if I could, I wouldn’t. I’m your daughter, but I don’t owe you anything.”

  Her mother didn’t answer. Had she hung up? No. Static crackled and the faint sound of breathing proved she was still there.

  Lena clutched the kitchen counter with one hand. “Caroline?”

  “Don’t call me Caroline, I’m your mom.”

  “Really? You want to go there now?” Lena clenched her teeth. “I’m not a kid anymore, waiting for you to come home. Waiting for attention and approval. I had to grow up fast when I had to pick up the slack for you.”

  Again, only static answered her.

  Lena used the pause to regroup. She’d never before spoken to Caroline like that. Her anger diminished with every word as if voicing it gave her the chance to let it go.

  “Are you talking about Tammy?” Caroline sighed, but this time the overly dramatic way didn’t tug at Lena’s heart. “You know I had migraines. I have them still, that’s why I need medication. That’s expensive. That’s why I’m calling, honey. You’re the only one who can help me.”

  Twenty years ago, Lena would have given anything to hear her mother call her honey. Even ten years ago she’d been elated. Now only sadness filled her. Sadness for the lost chances and for the woman who had never learned to take on the responsibility for her own life. Migraines weren’t the problem. They never had been. But Lena didn’t want to go there either. “No, I can’t help you. You have to help yourself first. Please don’t contact me again if all you want is money.”

  “You’re like your grandma, always thinking you know better.” Caroline’s voice lost all pretense of warmth. “Ungrateful bitch.” She hung up.

  The last words should have stung like a slap in the face, but they buzzed right past Lena. She could see now where they came from, and she wouldn’t be sucked into her mother’s spiral of anger again. Sadness had replaced the hurt and anger, and that was something she could deal with. Her problem with her mother was far from over, but at least she was on the right path to begin healing.

  Jess ripped off the sterile paper gown together with her gloves and threw everything in the trash. She listened for a moment as the resident explained everything they’d done to the patient. This new guy, Marc, had a decent enough bedside manner, even if he talked too much for her taste. Especially in the middle of the night.

  Jess exchanged an amused gaze with Kayla at Marc’s promise to personally escort the patient to his room.

  “Are you heading home?” Kayla yawned.

  Jess glanced at the wall clock. It would be reasonable to head to her condo and try to grab another two hours of sleep. She shrugged. “Nah. I’m wide awake. I caught a good six hours before the call came because Ella’s staying with my mom. A shower, some coffee, and I’m good to go.” She could get some tedious paperwork done so she could be out of here on time this afternoon. “Do you want to join me for a coffee?”

  Kayla shook her head, grinning. “I’ll finish the clean up, and then I’m heading to bed in the on-call room. I’ve got a date later.”

  “Congratulations. Do I know them?” Jess opened her lead apron and leaned against the door frame. Kayla was famous for falling in love with colleagues in the blink of an eye.

  “No. She’s got nothing to do with medicine. She’s a cop.” Kayla’s smiled was dreamy. “But it’s the first date. Too soon to tell anything.”

  “Okay. Have fun.” Jess waved goodbye.

  On her way to the locker room, she detoured to the emergency department to see if she would be needed again anytime soon. Diana sat at the nurses’ station, rapidly typing something on the computer. Her head bobbed in rhythm to a song only she could hear.

  Jess leaned on the other side of the counter and waited until she finished typing. “Hi, did you catch any more cardiology cases tonight?”

  With a grin, Diana looked up. “Not yet. Let me save my report, and I’ll check if anyone else has a patient for you.” She clicked a few times with her mouse as her eyes moved over the monitor. Finally, she gave her a thumbs-up. “All clear. Are you going home now?”

  “It’s not worth it. I’ll get some coffee and power through.”

  “Do you want to run over to the coffee shop? I could use some too.”

  “Sure.” Jess waited while Diana told one of her colleagues where she was going.

  The woman’s gaze followed them through the doors to the main hall. Jess snorted. “Wasn’t that the resident who almost fell over her feet after I had Ella?”

  Grinning, Diana held open the door to the coffee shop. “Yeah, Courtney. I’d guess she’s starting another rumor as we speak.”

  “Oh, we’re having an affair now? Does Emily know?” Jess laughed. It was great to joke around with a friend. Her human interactions recently had been either strictly professional at work or laced with tension at home.

  “She’ll find out soon enough.” Diana winked, then addressed the guy at the counter, who seemed barely old enough to be working the night shift. “Morning, Kevin. Flat white, please.”

  The guy grunted and looked expectantly at Jess.

  “For me too. And a bottle of water.” A double shot of espresso sounded like exactly what she needed right now. Technically, it wouldn’t break the one-cup-a-day rule she’d inflicted on herself. She reached into her scrub pockets for her wallet, but Diana was quicker and waved her off.

  “You can pay next time.” Diana looked from her to the empty coffee shop. “Is it okay if we sit here for a while? I’m not in the mood to chat with Courtney tonight.”

  Jess nodded, and they sat in a pair of overstuffed armchairs at the end of the shop. Quiet music was playing, something with a lot of guitars she didn’t recognize, and the light wasn’t too bright. Not too bad for a hospital in the middle of the night. She opened her water and drained it in one go.

  When the guy brought their coffees to the table, Diana thanked him. “Cool music.” She bumped his fist when he held it out to her, and he left again.

  “Not very talkative?” Jess sipped her coffee and moaned. Still too hot but exactly what she needed.

  “Shy. At least he has a good taste in music. He reminds me of my youngest brother when he was that age. Now James is married to a super extroverted woman and has three kids. Never a quiet moment in his house, but he loves it.”

  “Three kids!” Jess nearly spewed out her coffee. “How can you balance work with three kids?

  “He’s in IT and works from home. For a time, he barely worked. Now that the kids are all in school, he’s taking on more projects. And three kids isn’t too bad. I grew up with five brothers.”

  “Five!” The thought alone robbed Jess of all energy. “How did your parents manage?”

  “They had a traditional work distribution. My mom stayed at home for fifteen years and worked part time in my father’s family practice afterward. I guess she considered medicine more as a hobby and being a mother as her main profession.”

  Jess stirred her coffee to cool it a little. Neither option would work for her. She couldn’t work from home,
nor would she consider staying home full-time. There must be other alternatives.

  “Is everything okay? You’re frowning,” Diana said in a soft voice.

  “I have trouble balancing my work life with Ella’s care. At the moment, I’m relying on my mom, but I can’t do that indefinitely.”

  “What options are there?”

  Holding up her hand, Jess ticked off what she had considered so far. “Daycare—haven’t found the right one yet; I want to wait until she’s a bit older. My hours are too long. Nanny—how do you find someone you can trust? And I don’t know if I could live with a stranger. My mom—as I said, I don’t want to stress her too much. And driving back and forth between my place and my mother’s in addition to the long hours isn’t ideal either.”

  “What about cutting your hours?”

  “Yeah, right.” Jess didn’t know if she should laugh or groan. “Do you know what would happen to my standing in the department?”

  “I don’t know much about your department, but this is the twenty-first century. What’s the worst that could happen?”

  “I wouldn’t get scheduled for my favorite procedures anymore.” This was a fact. One of Jess’s colleagues had insisted on getting a few days off to teach at the university and that had been the retaliation.

  “Maybe. But haven’t you told me your boss was desperate to get you back early? So he values your skills and might be willing to negotiate a schedule that’s better for you. You could always threaten to leave for a private practice. I’m sure there are enough that would snatch you up in a heartbeat.”

  “Hm. Hadn’t thought of that.” Jess pondered for a moment as she sipped her coffee. With the loss of her self-worth during her illness, she had forgotten how much she was wanted for her skills.

  “And another thing. I might be wrong here, but I suppose you’ve reached most of the professional goals you’ve set for yourself, or are you aiming for chief of cardiology?”

  “No, way too much paperwork. I’d rather stay in the middle of things, doing actual work with my patients.”