Heart Failure

by Chris Zett

  “So you have a board certification in a difficult specialty, have mastered all the advanced procedures, and even specialize in a field where only a few interventional cardiologists ever succeed, right?”

  “Right.”

  “And you’re what, thirty-seven?”

  Jess nodded, still unsure where Diana was going with this.

  “Have you ever considered how little time it took to get to this position as opposed to how many more years you’ll still work until retirement?”

  “Um, no.” Jess frowned.

  “I’m guessing here, but it took you maybe eleven, twelve years to get where you are now after finishing med school. And you have maybe twenty-five, thirty years still to go.”

  “That’s a long time.” Jess blinked. She’d never done the math before.

  “Right. And what if you worked part time a few of those years? Will it really matter when you’re sixty and look back on your career? It’s not the same, but I took nine years out of my medical career to play in a band. Today I might be an old resident in my late thirties. But in a couple of years, I’ll be a full-fledged emergency physician with an added bonus of some great memories. No one can take those away from me.”

  Could it be that easy? Why hadn’t she ever considered that? And wasn’t it the same with her mother? The few years in the middle where she’d stayed at home hadn’t affected her career in the end.

  Diana’s phone interrupted Jess’s musings with a series of urgent beeps.

  “I’m sorry. I need to go. Are you okay?”

  “No.” Jess grinned, feeling lighter than she had in days. The weight that had been crushing her since she’d started juggling her life as a single mother had lifted a tiny bit. “But I will be. Thanks for the talk.”

  “Anytime.” Diana hurried away.

  Forcing herself not to run, Jess followed. She didn’t know if the caffeine or adrenaline loosened her stride, but she was buzzing with energy. It was still early in the morning, and it would be hours until her boss came to work. Enough time to make a list and plan the conversation.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Lena sat on her porch with a glass of water she wished was wine and her sketching supplies next to her on the table. But for the moment, she ignored both. The sun was setting, and the last rays intensified the colors of the garden as if it were a fairy kingdom. Birds used the last minutes of daylight to sing or chat about their days or flirt. Whatever they were doing, it was soothing, and she wanted to soak up every second of it.

  And why not? She had nothing else to do but put her feet up and enjoy. Not something she had done much in her adult life.

  The last week had been an emotional roller coaster. It had started low and tumultuous with her argument with Jess, reached a high with her talk with Maggie, then another low as she confronted her anger at her mother. Or had that been a high? Maybe just a bumpy stretch that rattled her until she was sick.

  Her attempt to wean herself from Ella’s company had been a definite low. She missed their evening walks, giving Ella the bottle during the day, or her snuggles and smiles. Instead she had improved her sketching since that had been the only distraction that had held her attention.

  And that had led to the next high, her meeting with Joanne. She was friendly and down to earth, which was no surprise since she was Maggie’s friend. And she had seemed interested in Lena’s sketches, admiring the botanical details and her use of color. In the short couple of hours they’d spent together, she’d already provided Lena with more advice and helpful guidance than she’d ever received from anyone else. And Joanne had repeated the invitation to join her course for free.

  So here she was at the end of the week, hoping her future could hold something besides work, even though her private life was bleaker than ever. She hadn’t seen Jess since their second argument and even though she wanted to talk, it wasn’t a conversation she could have on the phone.

  Steps on the path announced a visitor. Lena rose to greet Maggie.

  Only, it wasn’t Maggie.

  Jess approached, one hand around a bottle of wine, the other carrying two glasses. She stopped in front of the porch. “Um, hi.”

  Her tentative smile was difficult to resist, but Lena had spent all week hardening her heart against the impact of Ella’s gaze, so she was trained to ignore the charm of the Riley women. They needed to talk first. “Hi.”

  Jess’s smile faltered, but her eye contact didn’t waver. “I hoped you’d let me apologize. Again. And I come bearing gifts.” She held up the bottle.

  It was the wine they’d drunk at the beach house together. That Jess had remembered and made the effort to find it charmed Lena more than she cared to admit. She took a step back from the railing and invited Jess to join her with a sweep of her arm. “The wine is a good argument.” She sat again with a sigh.

  Jess placed the two glasses on the table and retrieved a Swiss army knife from her pocket. The bottle was open in no time, and she poured both glasses. “May I sit?”

  “Of course.” The formality was cute and annoying at the same time. Even if Lena was mostly annoyed at herself for finding it cute. “You’re sure about red wine? You could end up with another ruined shirt.”

  Jess had picked up her glass and swirled the dark-red liquid around. “I trust you not to abuse your power.”

  “Okay.” Lena sipped her water. She needed a clear head for this conversation.

  Jess took a big gulp of the wine, placed her glass on the table, and wiped her hands on her shorts. “I’m sorry for what I said and how I handled our talk last week.”

  The words were rushed, and the signs of nervousness tugged at Lena’s determination to keep her distance. She didn’t trust her voice to remain neutral, so she said nothing and waited.

  Leaning forward, Jess put her hands on the table, palms up. “I was an arrogant ass. I accused you of selfishness, but it was all on me. Instead of really apologizing to you, I tried to push my solution to my problems on you. And I’m sorry I said you only cared for Maggie because you want a substitute mom.” She grimaced. “That was uncalled for.”

  “Why did you say it?”

  “Mostly selfish reasons.” Jess cringed but held her gaze. “I wanted to hurt you because you said a truth I didn’t want to hear. You challenged me and held me accountable. That hasn’t happened in a long time, and I needed it. Without you, I wouldn’t have changed. Thank you.” Something new resonated in Jess’s voice. Respect.

  Until this second, Lena hadn’t known she needed to hear this. It soothed her frayed senses better than any birds, sunset, or wine ever could. Before she could find her voice, Jess continued.

  “You were right. I was asking too much of my mom. Then I arrogantly thought I could solve all our problems by foisting a solution on you that you neither wanted nor needed. And when you told me to stop, I didn’t listen. I’m sorry for that as well.” Jess’s eyes were filled with a myriad of emotions like the shades of a stormy sky by a master painter. Remorse. Self-deprecation. Fear. Trust. And respect again.

  Lena considered the right wording for her answer. The apology seemed genuine and was different from last week. Jess had given it some thought.

  The want to forgive Jess warred with the instinct to protect her own heart from pain. For that she had to keep her distance. To gain some time, she took a small sip of the wine. It was as good as she remembered and conjured memories of their first kiss. That wasn’t helping in the least. She scowled at the wine and her traitorous brain.

  “Okay. I’ve said what I needed to say, and I’ll leave you in peace.” With a sigh, Jess rose and picked up her wine glass. “Tonight, I’ll stay in my room, and tomorrow I’m going to my condo. I’ll keep out of your way.”

  Oh no. Jess thought Lena was still angry at her. “No, wait. I wasn’t scowling because of you, just at myself, and… Stay, please?”r />
  Jess sat again, waiting.

  “I accept your apology, and I owe you one too. I…” Lena swallowed against her sudden dry throat. All week she had thought about the apology and now that she faced Jess the right words eluded her. “When you offered me the position as a nanny, some of my baggage surfaced and I saw red. You couldn’t have known what you really asked of me because I hadn’t trusted you with all of my past. Instead of explaining, I mixed all my emotions from the past and present and overreacted. And what I said about you killing your mother… I’m sorry, that was horrible.” She blinked to keep her tears from falling.

  “Thank you. So we’re okay?” Jess’s voice hitched.

  “We’re getting there.” Lena held up her wine glass in a peace offering.

  Jess clinked hers against it, and the bright note made Lena smile.

  For a moment, it was enough to drink the wine in silence as the apology settled around her. The evening sky faded from pink to dark purple, and the darkness gave her the courage to open up. To honor Jess’s respect with trust.

  “I’ve told you about Tammy but not the whole story. I was overjoyed when I moved in with my mother and when my baby sister was born. She was adorable. It was like a dream come true, playing happy family. But then things started to slide. I was afraid to tell my grandma because she had warned me about my mother, and I had ignored her.” Lena sipped her wine and sighed. She was glad she couldn’t see Jess’s face. She didn’t want to see the pity.

  “I told you her husband came home, found out about her addiction, and divorced her. He took Tammy. What I haven’t told you before was that he wouldn’t let me near her, even though I loved her so much. He said I was as untrustworthy as my mother because I had covered for her instead of telling him. That wasn’t fair, I was just a teenager who spread herself too thin, but he didn’t see it that way. My mother convinced me that the only way to see Tammy again was to support her fight for custody. I gave her all my savings and the small college fund from my grandparents to help pay for a divorce lawyer. I worked to pay the bills for both of us. And when that money was gone, she tried to get me to help her with a scam to get more. I refused because I didn’t want to be mixed up in illegal stuff, and she kicked me out. Now that the baby was gone, and I refused to help with her schemes, I was worthless to her. A burden.” She gritted her teeth. “She told me she had only needed a babysitter, a nanny.”

  “I’m so sorry.” Jess reached for her, and in the darkness, it took a few fumbling tries until she held Lena’s hand.

  “It was a long time ago. I’m over it.” If she repeated it often enough, maybe one day Lena would believe it and the pain would recede. Today wasn’t that day.

  “It’s a cruel thing to say, and I’m still sorry your mother hurt you like that.” Jess’s fingers traced Lena’s knuckles. The touch was soft and mesmerizing. “Do you still see her?”

  “No, she’s tried to reestablish contact a few times over the last ten years, but it always turned out she needed something. Money or a place to stay. The first few times, I was stupid and believed her apologies until I learned my lesson not to trust her. That’s the main reason for my debt problem. She writes sometimes from prison, but I ignored her letters.” Lena could have stopped here but she wanted to be honest with Jess. “I ignored her because I was still angry and couldn’t deal with it. Last week, I accepted a call for the first time in years. After freaking out on you, I realized I had to learn to let go of the anger and forgive her.”

  “How was the call? Did it help?” Jess grip never wavered.

  “I think so, yes. I’m more sad than angry now. But it’ll be a long way. And I don’t think I’ll ever fully trust her again.” As she said it out loud, something clicked.

  Lena had taken the lesson to heart and stopped trusting everyone. At least with her financial security and her heart. First Maggie had broken through her safety wall and then Ella and now Jess… Jess wanted her trust, but she wasn’t sure she could give her heart again.

  “And here I am, thinking saying I’m sorry will magically make everything right again.” Jess snorted. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m still sorry, but I understand if you can’t trust my apology. I basically asked you the same thing as your mother did.”

  True, Lena had reacted as if it was the same, but really, it wasn’t. “You couldn’t know.”

  “No.” Jess’s voice was hoarse, and she cleared her throat. “But I still didn’t listen to what you wanted.”

  “It’s not the same. You were honest. You offered me a job—without hidden motives—and she ensnared me with the promise of a family when she just wanted a cheap babysitter.”

  Jess’s hand trembled in hers. “It was the right decision not to accept the job. I was thinking more about my needs than yours.”

  Here it was, the reason why Lena didn’t trust. Everyone followed their own selfish path, and Jess had admitted she wasn’t different from anyone else.

  But was Lena any better? If she was being honest with herself, and this evening seemed to be all about honesty, she didn’t live here for the convenience of a nice house. She enjoyed Maggie’s friendship because she took Lena seriously and accepted her as she was. Ella was healing the hole in her heart Tammy had torn. And Jess…they had helped each other, and both giving and receiving support had meant more to Lena than what she expressed on the surface.

  Lena’s actions and thoughts were laced with hidden meanings too and motives that weren’t always clear to her, but that didn’t mean she wanted to take advantage of others. So why should it be different with Jess and her motives?

  Lena intertwined their fingers. Jess’s hand was warm and soft, vibrating with strength and energy, and holding it seemed right. “Thank you for apologizing. Again. And I’m sorry for freaking out on you. That wasn’t fair.”

  “Maybe…” Jess cleared her throat. “Maybe we could work on being more open with each other.”

  Here was the rollercoaster again, propelling her from fear to hope and back in a matter of seconds. With all the whiplash, Lena’s thoughts reeled. But there was only one answer she wanted to give. “Yes.”

  If it was up to Jess, she could sit here all night holding hands, but she had promised to respect Lena’s boundaries. She reluctantly removed her hand from their clasp, and the coolness of the evening descended on her. She shivered. “I’d better go and leave you to your evening. Enjoy the wine.”

  “Why don’t you stay and share it with me?” Lena’s voice was soft and welcome as a summer breeze.

  “I’d love to.” For a moment, they both sipped their wine wordlessly as if it really was the reason they sat together. It was excellent but not the source of the giddy feeling that bubbled inside of Jess. Lena had not only listened to her and accepted her apology but apologized and explained as well. The invitation to stay showed that Lena, too, wanted to continue their friendship. Or courtship or whatever it was that connected them.

  “Let me get some light.” Lena disappeared in the house and returned with two candles.

  The flickering light reminded Jess of the massages, and a twinge of arousal sparked deep inside of her. Don’t go there.

  Jess searched for a topic that would distract her. “Mom said you’re thinking about moving? Is it true?”

  Lena sighed and swirled her wine. “No. It was a childish impulse to run away. Everything is complicated, and I’m afraid of mixing up all the aspects of my life with your family, but I’ll manage. First I was Maggie’s friend, but now I work for her, and she’s even helping me to get into a course at the university. And for the last few months, you’ve taken over most of my free time. Not that I’m complaining. A lot of great things came out of it. I got to know and love your daughter, and teaching you tai chi helped me too. And now we have this friends-with-benefits thing going on…” Lena sighed again, her gaze on the red liquid. “I don’t think it’s working for me.” />
  Disappointment soured the wine in her stomach. Jess put the glass on the table; it was too heavy to hold. She dropped her hands to her lap, and her gaze followed them. Not a courtship, then. “I’m sorry. We said this was about having fun, and if you aren’t enjoying it anymore, I won’t bother you again.”

  “You’re not bothering me. I’m having problems maintaining my boundaries with everything else going on, and maybe some distance would help so I don’t confuse all these emotions and get too attached.” Lena’s tone was even and light as if they were talking about her work or anything else without deeper meaning.

  Jess nearly missed the slight hitch in the last word. She looked up. What was Lena saying? Had Lena just told her she was getting too attached? A lightness filled Jess’s middle as if all her burdens had been removed. “Lena?”

  Lena’s lip trembled, and her eyes were wide with fear of something. Or someone.

  The last thing Jess wanted was to be the cause of even more pain for Lena. “I will respect every boundary you set. But I have a confession to make.” She swallowed and forced herself to hold Lena’s gaze. Fear of making herself vulnerable rattled inside her like a coiled snake about to bite. But she trusted Lena. “I guess I’m not doing so great with the boundaries of friends-with-benefits either. I have problems staying away from you. When I’m not here, I think of you all the time. And your opinion means much more to me than it should if we were just friends. I get all warm and tingly when I see you, and when you smile at me, my knees get weak. You’re the most beautiful, warm, and caring person I’ve ever met, and I’m already more than attached to you. I’m falling for you.”

  “Oh.” Lena’s mouth hung open, and she stared at Jess with a dazed expression as if she’d witnessed a miracle and couldn’t yet decide if it was a good or bad thing.

  Jess’s heartbeat thundered as fast and hard as it had three months ago when she’d collapsed. But this time her heart wasn’t failing but fueled by hope and anticipation. When Lena didn’t answer, a hole seemed to open up beneath Jess, but she refused to let it swallow her. “As I said, I’ll respect whatever you want. And I won’t hang around here and stalk you or anything. If you want me to keep my distance, I’ll leave this part of the garden to you. If you want us to remain just friends, I’ll deal with my feelings and won’t ever bring it up again. I can certainly see why you wouldn’t want me as more than a friend.” Jess opened her hand to tick the points off on her fingers. “I’m a single mother without much time to give. Actually, I don’t know what I can give. Money, maybe, but everything else… My body isn’t in the best shape after the pregnancy. I’ve been a selfish idiot. I’m—”