Arms of Grace

by Eleanor Chance

“Fill me in,” I said while glancing at Johnny’s chart.

  “It’s grim. He has fluid on both lungs. We thought he was past this. I have to be honest; if he’s not going to make it, I’d rather it be sooner than later. I hate seeing him suffer like this, and I’m worried about you getting so attached to him.”

  “Don’t worry about me. Just focus on Johnny,” I said.

  “Why do you do this, Grace? I doubt he knows you’re here. You’ve seen his EEGs. I hope we aren’t keeping a body alive, delaying the inevitable,” she said and brushed a lock of hair off Johnny’s forehead.

  “If there’s even the slightest chance I’m making a difference, isn’t that worth it? It won’t hurt Johnny. I’m the only one who’ll get hurt, and I’m willing to take the risk.”

  “I respect you for that, and I’ll do whatever I can for Johnny. You know that, but medical science only takes us so far. I’ve done this long enough to see lots of things I can’t explain, but there’s a fine line between faith and false hope. The tough part is trying to decide which side of the line to stand on.”

  “For now, I’m standing on the side of hope.”

  Alarms started going off on Johnny’s monitors. I moved back to let the staff do their work. I’d called Alec from the car and asked her to meet me in the PICU. She walked in at that moment.

  “What’s happening?” she said, still half-asleep.

  “Full arrest,” I said. We watched in silence until I tugged on her arm and said, “I can’t stand to watch this. Let’s go to the waiting room.”

  While we were waiting for word, I said, “I don’t know how to repay you for this. You have to work today.”

  “I told you at dinner I’m here for you. I know how I’d feel in your place.”

  Fifteen minutes later, Marci came to tell us that they had resuscitated Johnny, and we could see him. He was so still and peaceful. It was hard to believe he’d been through a life-threatening ordeal only moments before. Alec went home, but I stayed through the night and postponed my plans to meet with Serena. With Johnny in critical condition, I couldn’t see the point.

  Chapter Nine

  Johnny spent a week in the PICU but was soon back in his old room. I woke up a week after his recovery with a smile. It was the day of the engagement party. I’d never thrown a party before. I was nervous and excited. Alec and I scoured magazines and the Internet to get ideas. I wanted to get it perfect. Alec had thrown lots of parties, so she had a few ideas of her own. She prepared most of the hors d’oeuvres, but we also ordered some from the restaurant where we had our first dinner together.

  I got up and had a quick breakfast before running off to pick up the food and supplies. I had to get tablecloths, flowers, and cake. There were so many details I was afraid I’d forget something. Alec teased me about my mountain of lists, but when the day arrived, I was glad to have them.

  Adam and Alec drove up just as I was pulling back into the garage.

  “How many people did you invite to this thing?” Adam asked when he peeked into my backseat.

  “Wait until you see the trunk,” I said and popped it open.

  Adam gasped. “I hope I’m only the first of the army coming to help.”

  “Nope. Just us and Angela,” Alec said.

  “Oh, great.” Adam grabbed an armload of tablecloths. “Can’t think of a better way to spend my first day off in ten days.”

  “And we’ve been sitting around eating bonbons with our feet up,” Alec said. “Put those on the sofa and come back for another load.”

  “Yes, ma’am. I see how it’s going to be,” he said and went off grumbling under his breath.

  We worked for about four hours until everything was ready. I stood back to admire our work and couldn’t believe we were standing in my house.

  “You’re having all the parties here from now on,” Alec said.

  “I’ve set a bad precedent,” I said. “Doesn’t it look amazing though?”

  “Even I’m impressed,” Adam said.

  “Will you do my engagement party?” Angela asked.

  “I didn’t know you were seeing anyone,” I said.

  “I’m not, but you never know. Maybe I’ll meet Mr. Right tonight.”

  “You know almost everyone who’s coming, except for the plus ones, and they’re off-limits.” Alec glared at her. “You do know they’re off-limits, right?”

  Angela stuck her tongue out.

  I laughed. “I promise to do your party. Now, all of you, go home and get cleaned up.”

  “See you in an hour,” Alec said and hugged me. “Thanks again for this. Caroline’s going to love it.”

  “She deserves it after all she’s been through,” I said as I scooted them out the door.

  My cell phone rang from somewhere in the living room. I thought about letting it go to voice mail but realized it could be someone with questions about the party. I hunted it down and answered it just in time.

  “Grace, it’s Marci,” she said in a whisper when I picked up. “You need to get over here now. They’re transferring Johnny for the research study tonight. He’s leaving in half an hour.”

  My gut tightened. “I can’t leave now. The engagement party’s tonight.”

  “I know. I’m going to try to make it after my shift, but if you don’t come now, you’ll miss him,” she said.

  “I’ll try to reach Adam and Alec. They’re supposed to be here soon. Try to stall.”

  “There’s not much I can do, but I’ll try,” she said and hung up.

  I called Alec, but it went to her voice mail. I tried Adam next with the same result. In a panic, I wrote a note on bright pink paper and stuck it on the cake table, hoping they’d see it. Alec had a spare key, so I knew they’d be able to get in. I grabbed my purse and headed out the door to the hospital, praying that Alec would forgive me.

  They were loading Johnny into the ambulance when I arrived.

  “Wait up,” I told the driver, “I want to say good-bye.”

  “You do know this is the comatose baby, right? Baby John Doe?”

  “I know who it is,” I said, getting annoyed. “Don’t call him that.”

  He gave me a look and said, “Fine, but make it quick. We’ve got a schedule.”

  I leaned in and gave Johnny a kiss on the forehead. He looked so small and vulnerable. I took his hand, and he grabbed like always. It was still the only reaction he ever gave. “I’ll be coming soon. Don’t worry. Mommy will be there for you. I love you.”

  I kissed him again and pulled my hand away, trying not to lose control. I stepped back and watched the driver close the doors. As they drove off, Dr. Carter came out with Kinsley.

  “I’m glad you made it in time,” Dr. Carter said. “Did Marci call you?”

  “Thank you, yes,” I said and turned to Kinsley. “What do you think you’re doing sneaking him out of here under cover of darkness? The least you could have done was given me some warning.”

  “Why would I need to tell you? You don’t have any consideration is his situation. Just because you’ve deluded yourself into thinking you’re his mother doesn’t mean it’s true,” he said and crossed his arms.

  I stepped toward him. “How dare you!”

  Dr. Carter stepped between us. “I tried to get in touch, but there wasn’t time. I’m in communication with the head of the study in Baltimore. I’m trying to get you a temporary transfer there. He said you could have important insight because you’re so close to Johnny.”

  “You mean I can go with him? And for the length of the study?” I asked thrilled at the prospect.

  “Against my better judgment,” Kinsley said. “You know my feelings in the matter.”

  “Fortunately, it’s not up to you,” I said. “And what do you know about it? Have you spent any time with Johnny? He’s just a dollar sign to you.”

  “That’s not fair, and I know far more about it than you realize. I’m the one who has to look at the big picture.”

  People were s
taring at us, so Dr. Carter said, “Let’s go discuss this in my office. I’m sure we can work it out.”

  “I can’t. I’m late for an event. I’ll contact you in the morning,” Kinsley said and went back inside.

  Once he was out of earshot, I said, “That hyena!” I paced in small circles, trying to compose myself. I’d done my best to avoid Kinsley, but it only took three seconds for him to get to me. I took a deep breath and said, “I have to go too. I appreciate what you’re doing, Dr. Carter. What do you think my chances are for a transfer?”

  “I’d say good, and, please, call me Brad. They don’t want to lose you right when you’re going back on as charge nurse, but they know the stint in Baltimore will be temporary. They’re looking at Alec Covington to fill in while you’re gone. Can she handle it?”

  “Piece of cake. I have full confidence in her, but she’ll be reluctant to leave the ID team.”

  “Like I said, it’ll be temporary,” Brad said.

  “Speaking of cake, I’m supposed to be throwing an engagement party for Caroline. Would you like to join us?”

  “Thank you, but I have a patient I need to look in on.”

  “You’re a conscientious doctor, Brad. Thanks for your attention to Johnny. I know everyone thinks it’s hopeless, but you don’t treat him that way.”

  “That’s because that’s not what I think. I’m anxious to see the results of the study. I’m hoping for positive news.”

  “Me too. Well, I’d better get going to my own party. I’ll come by first thing in the morning.”

  “See you then. Go and enjoy yourself. You deserve it,” he said and walked in through the sliding doors.

  I was a nervous wreck on the way home. I was worried about Johnny, and I had an idea of how furious Alec would be. She’d left three messages and about twenty texts. Alec and Adam were clearing away some dishes when I rushed into the kitchen from the garage. Sounds of the happy guests floated in from the living room. The mood in the kitchen was just the opposite. Adam and Alec stopped and stared when they saw me.

  “I’m so sorry. When Marci called, I tried to reach you, but it was too late. It was unavoidable, Alec. Please forgive me?”

  Alec went into the living room without answering.

  I started after her, but Adam stopped me and said, “We’ll deal with it later. For now, let’s paste on our smiles and make the best of it for Caroline and Jared. Why don’t you go get changed?”

  I nodded and followed him out of the kitchen. The guests all seemed to understand when I said I’d been called to the hospital. They were mostly medical professionals, and they all knew what it was like to be called away at the worst times. Alec refused to make eye contact with me for the rest of the party. I mingled and tried to ignore her, refusing to let her ruin it for me.

  After the last of the guests had gone, I stepped in front of Alec, blocking her from leaving the room and said, “Talk to me.”

  “How’s Johnny?” Alec asked, the sarcasm heavy in her voice.

  “That’s a long story. We’ll talk about it if you honestly want to know, but right now, we need to deal with us. You have a right to be angry, but you’re not leaving until we settle this.”

  “I asked about Johnny because I wondered what could have happened to make you leave when you were about to host a party. Wasn’t there anyone in the entire hospital to handle the crisis? Was he on the verge of death? What was so critical that you couldn’t wait fifteen minutes for us to get here? I’ve put up with a lot for you. I’ve always been there for you, and this is how you repay me?”

  I lowered myself into a chair and cradled my head in my hands. I’d expected her reaction, and I felt bad, but I had an obligation to Johnny too. There was no way she’d understand my maternal feelings toward him.

  Before I could decide what to say, Adam knelt next to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “Does this have to do with the research study?”

  “Yes,” I said, but it came out like a croak.

  “I figured that was the case when I saw your note. Did they transport him tonight?”

  “Yes,” I said again.

  “I’m glad you got to say good-bye,” he said. “What were those skunks doing, sending him at night?”

  Alec crossed her arms. “Adam, what are you talking about? Did you know why Grace left? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “If you want answers, sit down and stop barking at me,” Adam said. “You’re acting like a child, and you’re going to feel stupid when I tell you.”

  Alec’s mouth dropped open. Adam obviously hadn’t ever spoken to her that way. He started to say something, but I held up my hand to stop him.

  “Let me tell her, Adam. The last thing I want is for this to come between you two.” I turned to her. “I got a call from the hospital about fifteen minutes before you were supposed to get here. Marci told me that they were transferring Johnny to Baltimore Regional for the pediatric neurological research study. I didn’t think Kinsley had the gall to send him off behind my back. He’s trying to put me in my place.”

  Alec knelt next to Adam and took my hands. “I’m sorry. I’m such an idiot,” she said. “I should have known that you wouldn’t bug out without good reason. I should be asking for forgiveness, not the other way around.”

  I shook my head and said, “I owed you more than to just take off, but that might be the last time I’ll ever see Johnny.”

  Alec handed me a tissue and said, “This was only a party, Grace. It turned out just fine.”

  “I’m sorry I screwed it up,” I said and blew my nose. “I’ve been so excited about it, and Kinsley ruined it. This is his fault. He ruins everything.”

  Adam helped Alec up, and they went to the sofa. He put his arm around her. I was relieved to see things were back to normal.

  Alec saw me watching them and smiled. “I know this is hard for you, and don’t get mad, but I can kind of see where Kinsley’s coming from,” she said. “Parenthood’s always a challenge, but being the mother of a child like Johnny can consume your life. You’ve seen the fatigue and despair on the faces of parents of chronically ill children. They didn’t choose to have sick children, but once they have them, it’s forever. They can’t choose to put the burden down when it gets too hard. You don’t have to choose this.”

  “Don’t you think I know that?”

  She ignored me and said, “If you adopt Johnny, it’ll mean missing weddings, birthdays, and holidays. You’ve already spent several nights pacing the PICU. I know you love Johnny, but maybe you should be more realistic.”

  There was truth in what she’d said. I waited several seconds before saying, “Would you be saying this if I were Johnny’s biological mother or even adopted mother?”

  “Of course not,” she said without hesitation.

  “Then depending on what happens with the study, and as soon as the powers that be allow it, I’ll start the adoption process,” I said. “Then I will be Johnny’s real mother.”

  “But Johnny’s not your son now, and he might never be. I’d hate to see you get sucked into his life only to have it end in disaster. I don’t think you should go to Baltimore.”

  I was shocked. I got up and walked to the window because I couldn’t look at her. Alec always said she had my back, but there she was taking my enemy’s side.

  I turned to face her. “You sound like Kinsley. You obviously don’t know me after all.”

  “The opposite is true. I’m saying it because I do know you. I’m not saying give up your plans of adopting Johnny someday if he comes out of the coma. I’m saying take a break from him. Step back for a while to get a better perspective.”

  I walked back to my chair and sank into it. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but you’re wrong. Johnny needs me more than he ever has. If I abandon him now, what kind of mother will I make?”

  “I’m sorry, Alec, but I agree with Grace,” Adam said. Alec started to protest, but he stopped her. “Going to Baltimore will be the best way for her
to find out what she’s up against.”

  Alec gave Adam the look of death, but he just shrugged. “It’s how I feel,” he said.

  “I talked to Brad Carter. He’s hoping the study head in Baltimore will bring me on board. If they agree, Kinsley should too, but I doubt he will,” I said.

  “I’ll do what I can to help Brad get you transferred with Johnny,” Adam said.

  Alec slumped back in defeat. “I hope you two know what you’re doing. I’m trying to protect you, Grace; that’s all.”

  “I know, but we’ve been through this. I know the risks. It’s my choice to take them.”

  She nodded, and I remembered what Brad had told me about her.

  “I should tell you, my going to Baltimore will affect you too. They’re planning on you filling in for me while I’m gone.”

  “Me? Why? I’ve never been a supervisor,” she said. She tried to act shocked, but I could tell she was pleased.

  “You have to start somewhere. You’ll be fine, but just don’t do too well, or they may not want me back. Kinsley already hates me. All he needs is another reason to get rid of me. Have fun working with him, by the way,” I said and rolled my eyes.

  That eased the tension, but Alec’s attitude still disturbed me. I felt betrayed. I wanted to trust that she had my best interests at heart, but she had to know that Johnny was an integral part of my best interests. If she didn’t understand that, then I was way off about where we stood.

  As if reading my mind, she said, “I can see the little wheels spinning in your brain, Grace. You need to know one thing. I made a commitment as your friend to support you in any way I can. I stand by that. I just needed to make sure that you’re not so caught up with Johnny that you’re missing the reality of the long term.”

  “Every day since Johnny came into my life, I’ve waited for the call telling me he was gone. I’ve also known every day that they could find his family. I get it, Alec. It’s an insane situation, but I’m choosing that insanity. I don’t know how to convince you that I’m not going into this blind. Please, once and for all, tell me you believe that.”