Hard To Leave (The Hard Series Book 3)

by S. Jones

  I threw my head back and groaned. As the days passed, my patience was slipping. I should’ve been happy that he was spending time with Tanner, but it didn’t stop me from wondering when he would quit avoiding me.

  “I just want the chance to talk to him. If you could have seen how hurt he was when he found out about Brogan…”

  Carly walked over to the window and peeked through the blinds at the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway. “Well, my, my, my. It looks like you might get your chance to talk to him after all.”

  My heart flipped over inside my chest, and I darted across the room and looked over her shoulder. He stepped out of the car, and I raced to the door to meet him.

  He pressed his lips together as he walked up to my front porch. His arm was hanging along Tanner’s shoulders, and I couldn’t help but think of how right that was.

  He belonged with us. He was ours, and I would fight to make him see that.

  “Hi, guys,” I greeted them both, trying to keep my voice even when I was dying inside.

  He glanced over my shoulder to the shadow standing behind me. I saw the panic in his eyes quickly disappear when he realized it was Carly. I took the look of relief as a positive sign.

  Tanner rewarded me with a slow smile. The first real one I’ve seen in days. He stood at Jack’s side, clutching his backpack. He seemed to be in a better mood than when I sent him off to school this morning. Whatever Jack had said to him seemed to help.

  Carly walked over and pulled on Tanner’s hand. “Why don’t you and I go out back and start on your homework. I’m sure your mom and Jack have a few things to talk about.”

  Tanner’s smile fell. He looked reluctant to leave. Jack placed his hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “You can call me anytime.”

  Everything about this goodbye felt wrong. From the flat tone of his voice to his defeated sigh.

  “Will you still come to my first game?” Tanner asked with hope filling his eyes.

  Jack looked away, trying to hide how much he wrestled with that question. I stared down at my wood floor and tried to hide how nervous I was about what that answer would be.

  My only hope was that whatever relationship they had built would survive. I could live with my own pain and work through the guilt, but the last thing I wanted was to see my son suffer anymore.

  “I can’t make any promises, bud.” He attempted to reassure him. “But I’ll call you as it gets closer and let you know. Does that sound fair?”

  “Okay. But I really want you there. I’ll understand if you can’t come though.”

  Tears welled up in my eyes. My little boy was trying to be so strong and brave. I bowed my head and licked my lips feeling my throat go dry. Carly handed me a glass of water. We stayed back, allowing the two boys to have their moment to say goodbye.

  Jack folded Tanner up in his arms as if he were afraid to let go. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Jack whispered something in his ear; Tanner nodded and slowly walked away with Carly following him.

  I set my water down and tilted my head to the side. “Can we talk?”

  He glanced down at his watch. “I was supposed to meet my mother a half hour ago.”

  “Well, we all know how much you love to spend time with your mother,” I joked, trying to lighten the mood, but it didn’t even get me a smile. As angry as I was with him, I still missed him. This wasn’t going to be easy on either of us, and I was so sick and tired of him not giving me a chance to explain. “You can’t keep avoiding me forever.”

  “I’ve just been busy,” he replied, unable to look me in the eyes.

  “Bullshit,” I said, finally getting him to look at me. “I let you have your space; you’re going to have to talk to me eventually.”

  “Fine,” he relented. “You want to talk, you can come over before I leave.”

  “When do you leave?”

  “Tonight.”

  I reared back. “Really?” I tried to keep my voice steady, but I was incapable. I wanted to punch him. Kick him in the balls. Do anything to get a reaction out of him, because this hard-eyed, stoic man standing in front of me was not my Jack. I was beyond frustrated. If I didn’t push this along, he was going to avoid me forever, and that wasn’t going to work for me.

  “I only flew down for one day, so I could talk to Tanner. I figured I owed him that much.”

  My eyes were filling up with tears. “And what about me? Don’t you think you owe me a chance to explain a few things?”

  He didn’t even acknowledge my tears because he was too busy trying to hide how hurt he felt. I knew he was only trying to protect himself, but I wasn’t going to allow him to put any more distance between us.

  “Please, Jack.”

  He placed his hands on his hips and cast his eyes to the ground. “I should only be a couple hours. Meet me at my place at six-thirty. My flight leaves at ten.”

  I pushed my hair to the side and tried to keep myself from crying. “I can have Carly stay with Tanner and swing by your place when you’re done.”

  “Okay.”

  The lack of emotion on his face hinted that he couldn’t care less if I came or not. I tried to hide my hurt because he was finally giving me a chance to explain myself.

  “Text me when you’re on your way home.”

  He fished his keys out of his pocket and walked out my front door without another word.

  I pulled into his driveway and stared down at the text he sent me a half hour ago.

  On my way home

  My hands clenched the steering wheel, trying to keep myself from hyperventilating. I was a bundle of nerves, and the silence in the car was only stressing me out. I blew out a deep breath and walked over to the front steps to wait for him.

  There was a breeze coming off the water, so I threw my hair back in a ponytail to keep it from flapping on my face.

  His headlights bounced off the pavement as his car approached the garage. I had spent the last hour rehearsing everything in my head. So, when he finally got out of the car, it annoyed me that I couldn’t think of a single fucking word. Not one.

  He cut the engine, stepped out of his Jeep and walked briskly up the path with his hands stuffed in his pockets. My stomach flip-flopped, feeling uneasy.

  I stood up to greet him. “How was your dinner?”

  He looked apprehensive. “It was fine.”

  “Thank you for agreeing to talk to me.”

  He nodded his head and walked past me, leaving me no choice but to trail behind him. “How come you didn’t use your key?”

  “I wasn’t sure if I had the right to do that anymore.”

  His steps faltered, and his back stiffened. This forced conversation was killing me.

  “Can I get you something to drink?” he asked, flicking on a couple light switches and throwing his keys onto the counter.

  “Water is fine. Thanks.”

  I dropped down on the couch and glanced around the room. So many memories were made in this little house. Even though it’s only been a little over a week, it seemed like another lifetime ago. Jack placed a glass of ice water in front of me and popped the top off his Corona.

  He studied me from across the room. He looked as awful as I felt. “Were you ever planning on telling me?”

  I took a sip of my water and set it down. I guess we were really doing this.

  “I thought about it…many times.” I ran my hands down my jeans and met his eyes. He looked like he didn’t believe me. “I was scared.”

  All the excuses I’ve made to justify my actions seemed irrelevant now. In the beginning, I didn’t know if we would last, and as time went on, I just didn’t know how to tell him. It seemed like I could never find the right time, words, or reasons.

  Keeping the truth from him was more about protecting Tanner than anything else. I never really thought too much about how much it would hurt him until it was too late.

  “Why were you scared?” he asked, and I wanted to see the fight in his eyes, but
all I saw was defeat, and it killed me.

  “Because I knew it would change things between us.” My bottom lip trembled as I continued. “I lied to you, Jack. I lied to everyone.”

  “That’s what I don’t get.” The feeling of betrayal was so strong in his voice. “Why did you lie to me?”

  “Maybe it will be easier for you to understand if I start from the beginning.”

  I leaned back and pushed a hand through my hair. Everything that made sense to me all those years ago no longer did.

  “Brogan and I were already broken up by the time I found out I was pregnant. His career was just starting to take off, and he was making decisions and living a life that I was not okay with. He was drinking, doing drugs, living on a tour bus, glob-trotting across the world.” I peeked my eyes up at him. “I wasn’t going to bring my baby into that world. As time went on and he became more famous, the more reckless he seemed to get. I did what I thought was best for my son at the time.”

  Jack folded his arms across his chest. “You could have told me all this.”

  A tear slid down my cheek. “I’m sorry, Jack, but when should I have told you? The only person who knew the truth besides me was Carly. My own parents don’t even know. Our relationship was new, and telling you that my son’s father was a big country superstar wasn’t a great conversation starter. It wasn’t something I wanted to share with the world.”

  He closed his eyes; his entire face was scrunched in pain. “Did you not trust me?”

  “Of course I trusted you. I was more afraid of hurting you. I was trying to protect you.”

  He cut me off. “Oh no, you don’t.” He pointed his finger at me. “You were trying to protect yourself. Don’t lie to me.”

  “I’m not lying!” I cried. “I fell in love with you. I was afraid to tell you the truth. I was terrified of how you would feel because I knew that my lie would hurt you. I learned first-hand through your interactions with your mother how important trust and the truth were to you. I couldn’t risk losing you.” I laughed at the irony, but there was nothing funny about this situation. “I guess that didn’t matter though, did it?” I stared at him while the silent tears rolled down my chin. “I lost you anyway.”

  Jack rested his head against the wall. There was so much hurt and broken trust lingering between us that it scared me.

  “I don’t even know what to say.” His eyes locked on mine. “I’m so fucking confused right now. I don’t feel like I can trust you.” He sounded frustrated. “And if I can’t trust you, then we have nothing!” He stepped toward me. “I would have stood by your side. I would have found a way to deal with the fallout, but you never gave me the fucking chance to try.”

  I’ve lived with the guilt all these years. I’ve struggled with trying to forgive myself over these past few days. But there was no excuse good enough for him.

  “I’m sorry you had to find out the way you did. I wish I could go back and do things differently, but I can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.”

  He was standing so close, yet he seemed so very far away. My eyes searched his for something to hold onto. Some sign that everything would be okay. But I was met with an empty stare. And that killed me.

  “What happened after I left?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Did you go back to Brogan’s hotel room with him?” he asked, challenging me to deny it. “According to the gossip sights, you two are already engaged and looking at mansions.”

  I placed my hands on my hips. I was ready to lose it. How could he even think that? ”You can’t be serious? According to the gossip sites, Miley Cyrus has been abducted by aliens. C’mon, Jack, you know me better than that.”

  He clenched his jaw. “Do I? I’m not sure I know you as well as I thought I did.”

  “Brogan and I have been over for a long time. The last time I checked, I was with you.”

  “You have a kid together. He’s Tanner’s father, for Christ’s sake,” he yelled in frustration. “How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?”

  My stomach dropped. I didn’t know how the hell we got to where we were, but how could he doubt what we had together? I could handle him being angry and hurt, but I couldn’t handle him not believing in us anymore.

  “I can’t change who Tanner’s father is, Jack. And that’s all Brogan is to me. Nothing more. You’re not competing with anyone. It’s you I love. You I want. No one else.”

  He moved toward me with purpose. His muscles looked tense, and the look on his face wasn’t very reassuring. “I know his songs are about you. He’s still in love with you.”

  Is this where his anger was coming from? He felt threatened? He sounded pissed, but I knew it ran much deeper than that. He was hurting and feeling insecure about us.

  “I can’t help that,” I tried to explain on a shaky breath. It felt like I was losing him and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

  Jack’s eyes narrowed on my mine. “You’re not even trying to deny it.”

  I closed my eyes, struggling for the words that would explain this in a way that he would understand. Everything inside me was breaking apart, and I wasn’t sure if we could be put back together again.

  “I hate that you have doubts about us. I hate that you’re hurting. But I need you to understand something. Brogan and I ended a long time ago. I love you, Jack.” My eyes were pleading with him. “I know I broke your heart. Let me be the one to heal it. Please, I’m begging you. Don’t give up on us.”

  He brought his hand up to my cheek but dropped it. “It would be so easy for me to just pull you into my arms and tell you that everything was going to be okay.” He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, I saw the pain that I had caused. “But, I can’t. I know you love me, and I can almost look past you not telling me. But I’m not going to lie, I keep asking myself, what else are you keeping from me?”

  A sob broke free from my chest. The fear of losing him was too much. “I swear to you that there are no more secrets.”

  “I want to believe you. I do.” He shook his head. “Then there’s the unavoidable fact that your ex is now back in your life. You can’t tell me that doesn’t change the dynamic of our relationship.”

  The muscle in his jaw tensed. He had every right to be pissed. Hell, he had every right to never speak to me again, but I wasn’t going down without a fight.

  “So, what? You’re just going to hand me over and let him have me?” His head jerked back, I could see the anger rising in his shoulders. “You think I can just get over you. Move on to the next guy? You don’t think I’ve worried and cried every single damned day, wondering how we’re going to survive this? Do you think I’m not scared shitless that I could lose you over a mistake I made when I was twenty years old?” The tears built up in my eyes. I was desperate to get him to come back to me. “You are the man I’m in love with.” I pushed on his chest, demanding that he see the truth. “Don’t you dare leave me.” I sobbed, hitting his shoulder with my fist. “You are the one I want. You belong with us.”

  He grabbed my wrist, stopping my assault. “Do I?”

  I was exasperated. “Of course, you do. This is absurd.”

  “I’m not so sure.” I stared at him, feeling like I hit a brick wall. “Who’s Tanner going to call when he wants to talk about baseball? Who’s he going to go to for advice when he gets older? Who’s going to be sitting next to you at parent-teacher conferences and doctor visits? What’s my role going to be?”

  “Jack,” I said softly. “I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that I can’t do this without you.” Tears continued to pour out of my eyes. I’ve cried so much over the past few days I was surprised I still had any left. “Brogan may be his biological father, but he loves you. Please, don’t turn your back on us.” I sobbed.

  Jack stepped back, and when he finally spoke, the hurt in his voice hit me hard. “I would never turn my back on him. I just need more than a fucking minute to figure this out, and T
anner needs time to get to know his father. I don’t want to stand in the way.”

  “You’re not,” I pleaded. “I know this is going to be an adjustment for everyone, but it doesn’t change how he feels about you. How I feel about you.”

  His hung his head in defeat. Like he had given up. “Let’s just take a break. Take some time to let things settle. See where everything lands.”

  My sobs were growing louder, and it felt like I was going to choke on my tears. There was no convincing him. He was such a stubborn son of a bitch. All I hoped was that my words sunk in. That he heard me. Really heard me.

  “I don’t think you need time.” I stood up taller, feeling more determined. “I know I don’t, but I’ll give it to you. Just let me make myself perfectly clear. You. Are. Not. Breaking. Up. With. Me.”

  He rested his forehead against mine and pressed a kiss. “God. I fucking love you.”

  My voice cracked. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do this.”

  He grabbed my chin, causing me to stare into his eyes. “It’s because I love you both so much that I have to do this. I told Tanner, he could call me whenever he needed me. I’m not cutting you off; I just need some space to figure things out.”

  His hand wrapped around the back of my head. My eyes closed, feeling relief from his touch. I felt his lips press against mine. I pushed up on my toes and circled my arms around his neck. I couldn’t get close enough. I wanted to anchor myself to him.

  His mouth opened and I glided my tongue against his with urgency. My body curled into his chest as a wave of chills washed over me. Our kiss was slow and fast. Soft and rough.

  This was the man that I loved. This is where I belonged. How was I supposed to let him go when this was the only place I wanted to be?

  He released me, took a step back and ran his hands down his face. “I can’t do this.” His words crushed me. It felt like he just trampled over my heart.