The Christmas Journal

by Jackson, Kimberly B. ;

“Um, actually I’m just hungry…”

  “You would be.” Again, she regretted her words as soon as they escaped, but thinking about her parent’s marriage, her dad’s health…it was too much combined with the thought of Cy wasting his attention on that woman.

  Cy turned his attention to James. “So, what’s she mad about?”

  “Oh, I got a little dizzy, and she’s upset.”

  “Are you okay? Do we need to drive you to the hospital?”

  “You’re both over reacting.” James rose. Turning to his daughter, he motioned. “I’m with Cy. Let’s go eat.”

  “Dad, you really need to reconsider. Let me call—”

  “Maybe the man just needs a hearty meal in his stomach, Ash.”

  Ashley stood and threw up her hands. “I can’t fight you both.”

  * * *

  After they returned from the restaurant, her father retired to his large recliner. With his head bowed, James beginning mumbling some words. Ashley thought he looked like as if he were praying, but she never remembered her dad to be a praying man. When he drifted off to sleep, she returned to her parent’s room, dug out the journal, and began reading.

  December 3rd — I finally finished my menu, and last minute touches for the lodge. It’s almost four pages long. We are fully booked this year. Thank goodness we close the first week in September to get the lodge ready for Christmas, otherwise, I would be at my wit’s end. I had James bring all our personal Christmas decorations down from the attic. After breakfast, we will start sorting through all of the boxes. Even though I am cross with him now, he is a good man. He always helping out when I need him. I just wish James could see God’s hand on our lives. My favorite Bible verse in Jeremiah 29:11 states, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Why can’t my husband open his heart to God and this little boy?

  “Open his heart to God! Was it in God’s plan for you to die, for Dad to send me away?” The words rushed from her.

  As Ashley vented, she realized for the first time she was angry with God. Furious with him. Taking a few deep breaths to calm herself, Ashley continued reading. December 4th. No mention of Adam or her and Dad’s disagreement. Day five, six, seven, and eight just talking about getting the lodge ready for the guests.

  Her mind seemed crammed with unanswered questions as she closed the diary. Asking her dad to clarify wasn’t the answer. Drudging up the past was clearly not something her dad was keen on. Besides, for the first time in a long time, she’d found some closeness with him, and she didn’t want to spoil that feeling. So she placed the diary in its hiding place, then started to pack up her mother’s personal items into three boxes labeled “Keep,” “Give away,” and “Throw out.” The next few hours were spent combing through the closet and making decisions on which item went into which box.

  Looking down at her watch, she discovered the time had passed quickly. Five until five. She needed at least another twenty minutes or so to finish the closet. Her mother, she’d found out, was a pack rat, keeping old magazines and papers and all sorts of rubbish.

  Thirty minutes later, her dad entered the room, examining all his daughter had accomplished in the afternoon hours.

  “You’ve been a busy girl today.”

  “Yes, I have been. It’s been hard to go through Mom’s stuff, but I feel it is helping me to understand what kind of person she was. I certainly didn’t remember Mom being a collector of poems and recipes.” Ashley pulled up some clippings with her hand.

  James smiled. “I’d forgotten how she’d tear out of magazines or newspapers things that caught her attention. There were always little clippings about.” He sighed. “Are you ready to call it a day?”

  “I think so. I can finish the rest of the room later.”

  James extended his hand to his daughter to help her from the floor. The two walked down the staircase and into the living room. Ashley returned her thoughts to her mother’s diary as she walked over to the picture window, looking for Cy.

  “Well, baby girl, we have accomplished a great deal in a short amount of time. I believe we will be able to open The Christmas Lodge for the holiday season after all.”

  Mustering her nerve, Ashley asked, “Dad, what made you decided to reopen the lodge?”

  “Two reasons. You came home and Cy, of course.”

  “Cy!” Why did that make Ashley angry? Because Cy shouldn’t matter, not like I should. Yet, Cy was here first. Knew her father better than she. “Why Cy?”

  “He’s able to do a lot of the heavy work that I no longer can.” The answer made Ashley feel rotten for her outburst. Still, she couldn’t stop feeling jealous. Cy had spent much more time with her dad than she’d been allowed.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  September blew in as the trees surrendered to the changing colors of fall, the leaves framing the lodge to a breathtaking autumn picture. The month of August had been spent mostly working outside, fixing trails, replacing boat ramps at the local lake, and redoing the fire pits. Ashley had been asked to help with the landscaping. With great focus, the three perfected the outside surroundings.

  Though she accomplished much with the gardens, Ashley still had her parent’s room to finish, something which she’d procrastinated over the last month. But today was just too beautiful to work inside, so she journeyed out and took several snapshots showcasing the beauty of the land. While focusing mostly on the lodge, the stream, and it’s rushing water, she also photographed the beautiful Japanese Red Maple tree, a small waterfall, and an old cave that many junior adventurers had explored. She’d taken some photography and website development classes in high school. Her mind was already positioning the pictures for a Christmas Lodge brochure and website. As dusk blanketed the area, Ashley returned to the cabin.

  * * *

  A flickering light peeking through the curtain woke Ashley the next morning. Standing, she felt the cramps from her legs. “Will this lodge ever be finished?” she moaned as she flexed her arms.

  The smell of bacon drifted into the hallway as Ashley approached the kitchen. Cy and her father were already at the table about to eat. “Wait on me, please.”

  “You sleep too late.”

  “I do not. You get up too early.”

  James raised his hands. “Okay you two, that’s enough fussing. We still have a lot of work to do before we open next month. Speaking of opening, Ashley, I want you to be in charge of advertisement. Maybe you can get on that computer of yours and see what you can do to drum up some business. We need to get some bookings scheduled.”

  “Actually, I’ve already been working on it. I’ve taken some pictures for the website and brochure. I’ll get to work on them both as soon as I finish cleaning the bedroom.” She flashed a smile at her dad and he returned the gesture.

  After breakfast, Ashley washed up the dishes and returned them to their place in the cabinet. Then, she walked to the lodge, taking the journal with her and finding James and Cy working on placing lighting around the trees, Ashley proceeded to her mom’s office.

  Closing the door behind her, she entered the room, and the curiosity of her mother’s diary overtook her need to finish the room. She resumed reading.

  December 9th—The lodge is ready. James and I are exhausted. In two days, we will have a cabin full of people that I must cook and cater to. My mind wonders back to Adam constantly. Is he being taken care of? How is he handling his new living situation? If only James could see it the way I do…

  Quickly, Ashley flipped the page over.

  December 10th—I have decided to bake three apple pies, two peach pies and three pecan pies for the upcoming weeks. They will all freeze nicely until I need them.

  December 11th—Some of the guests will arrive late tonight. I prepared some vegetable soup, salad, and homemade bread for a late dinner.

  “Mom, please, a little more detail! Who is Adam?” a frustrated Ashley muttered as she closed the
dairy.

  Taking a deep sigh, Ashley returned to the closet. As she packed the last of her mother’s papers, she reached up to the top to pull down some hatboxes and placed them on the uncovered floor. A sudden roar startled Ashley. The sky darkened quickly and with one large clap of thunder, the power was off.

  Ashley met Cy and James at the foot of the steps. “Nothing to do but wait out the storm,” James said as he snuggled into the big, leather recliner and closed his eyes.

  Ashley watched as her father drifted to sleep. Cy had made himself comfortable on the couch, also drifting in and out of consciousness. With both her dad and Cy asleep, Ashley took a flashlight from the kitchen drawer and ventured back upstairs to try to find some answers from her mother’s diary.

  December 12th—The guests have been arriving all day and it looks like we have a lively bunch. I have already had two ornaments broken by clumsy men acting more like children than adults. Still, I am enjoying the company of some of the women that have come, especially Mrs. Bernice. She is simply a joy to be around.

  December 13th—The day has been gloomy. Rain has forced the cancellation of the tree lighting downtown, so everyone has been forced to stay at the lodge. Luckily, I have frozen lasagna in the freezer for dinner. Mrs. Bernice stepped in to help me get the meal together. The weather has depressed me, or could it be that my mind drifts to Adam? I am so sure he needs us now.

  Ashley continued reading as the power blinked back on.

  December 14th—I broke down and confided in Mrs. Bernice about Adam and his connection to us. She had so much wisdom concerning our situation. Even James joined us and listened to her counsel.

  “What is she talking about? Who is Adam?” With annoyance building up in her, Ashley stood to stretch, then focused her attention back to the hatboxes on the floor.

  Lifting the lid off of the bigger, blue box revealed older pictures of unknown ancestors on her mother’s side of the family. As she looked through the many photographs, she thought how sad it was that they were placed in a box never to see the light of day. The lavender color container also contained several folded papers. Unfolding the first, she discovered her grandmother’s marriage license. The second paper was her dad’s birth certificate. If only she’d known that the beautiful lavender covered box’s contents would change her life forever, she never would have opened it.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Hearing movement downstairs, Ashley closed the box and returned to the living room. Cy had already awoke and returned to work outside. James was staring out the window. “Looks like we will have some sticks to pick up from the storm.”

  “Do you need me to help?”

  “No, honey, you finish with your project. Cy and I can handle this.”

  “Okay.” Ashley took a bottled water from the refrigerator and went back upstairs to continue with the hatboxes.

  Taking a sip of the water quenched the parched mouth she’d developed. Reassuming her position on the floor, she reopened the lavender box. She pulled out some old obituaries that her mother had kept of deceased family members. The last thing in the container was an envelope containing a letter and a birth certificate. Unfolding the paper, she noticed the name—her name—except the last name was Davis. As she studied the print, she glanced down at her mother’s name, Elizabeth Davis…her mother’s maiden name.

  Surely, this was not her birth certificate. Checking the birth date, January 12, 1996, confirmed otherwise. Quickly, she focused on the father’s name—unknown. Unknown! How could that be? Her head spun, her gut felt as though she’d been punched. But Dad, he’s... He had to be… She couldn’t think it, couldn’t allow herself to say it. Yet this was, in fact, her birth certificate. She curled up on the floor as the tears flowed down her face like a steady stream from a faucet.

  Crying until she’d no more tears left, she lifted herself up and leaned back on the wall. Her reflection stared back at her as she looked into the floor-length mirror across the room. Mascara streaks stained her face, her eyes swollen and red. How could she confront her dad with the information she’d found? Hurriedly, she went into the adjoining bathroom to wash away the proof of her despair. Looking in the drawer, she found an unopened soap bar that she used to clean her face, mascara and all. Then, hastily, she put all the papers back into the box and returned them to the closet. Since dinnertime approached, she glanced at herself in the mirror one last time, hoping all traces of her emotional breakdown were no more. She took the stairs as if she was in training for a triathlon. Just as she leapt from the last step, her dad and Cy entered the room, dirty and sweaty from their outside work. Her heart sank as her dad spoke. “Hi, baby girl. I hope you are ready to eat, because Cy and I are starving. We decided to phone in a pizza for pick up and bring it back to the cabin to eat. Sound good?”

  “That’s fine with me,” she managed. Her stomach rumbled, not from hunger, but from the information she’d unearthed.

  Ashley called in their food request while James took a shower. Cy left, headed to town to collect the order of two large pizzas and side of wings.

  Ashley went through the motions of gathering plates, forks, and glasses for the trio’s dinner. Her mind remained in anguish over her discovery. Tension ran through her body and her muscles tightened to the point of hurting. How could she ever be happy again? Her dad was not her dad, her mom was dead, and she’d become an orphan. Could this be the reason he’d sent her away after her mother’s death—because she was not his daughter?

  Cy came through the door carrying boxes and headed toward the light oak stained log farmhouse table that James had built the first year he and Mom had married. He deposited the boxes of wings and pizza. The two men ate until they could hold no more, while Ashley scarcely picked at her food.

  “Are you feeling okay, sweetheart? You barely touched your food.”

  “I guess I am just tired. It’s been a long day. If you will excuse me, I think I’ll turn in for the night.”

  “Of course.”

  Ashley stood and left to go to the sanctuary of her room. Tossing her body across the bed, she tried to relax, but her mind would not let go of the truth she’d uncovered.

  “Oh, Mom! What a mess you have left for me to figure out!”

  She ran her hand over her head as if to stop her mind from thinking. Deciding to turn in for the night, she showered and went to bed.

  The next morning, she awoke with her eyes swollen from her on-again and off-again crying throughout the night. After she washed her face, she brushed her teeth and pulled her hair into a ponytail. As she dressed, all she could think about was her dad. If only she could wipe yesterday from her mind. Although she tried not to let her emotions be known, she wondered how long it would take for him to pick up on what she’d discovered. Maybe it was only wishful thinking, but conceivably, he might not know himself.

  Slowly she walked into the living room. James was already awake and reading the local newspaper. Cy came through the door, happy as usual, with a dozen fresh donuts he’d brought at the local convenience store.

  “Orange juice is already poured,” James remarked, not even looking up from his newspaper. “Smells great, Cy,” he said as he reached for one. “My mouth has been watering for Penny’s donuts for a couple of days now.”

  Ashley had to admit, they did look tasty and she’d not eaten much for dinner the night before. She placed one on a plate. Cy joined her and James at the table. Glancing his way, she kept thinking that there was something familiar about the handyman. If only she could determine what it was…

  With breakfast done and dishes washed, Ashley returned with James and Cy to the lodge.

  The thought of the lavender box’s contents sickened her, so she focused on her mother’s dairy.

  December 15th—The snow pelted down on the lodge today. James was able to make it to the cabin and bring back some canned food that I had put up earlier this summer. He was half frozen when he returned and said it was too dangerous for anyone to leave t
he lodge. A blizzard warning was issued and unfortunately that means restless customers. Over half are due to leave tomorrow.

  December 16th—Panic has now set in as families began to realize that they are not going to be able to leave as they had planned.

  “What about Christmas? I can’t miss Christmas with my children and grandkids. How are you going to get me home?” Mr. Edwards exploded on me today like it was my responsibility to get him home, blizzard or no blizzard. Some people! I guess I will need to add a disclaimer to our ad. NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WEATHER! Really.

  Ashley managed a chuckle. Maybe she would need to add the same thing to their brochure when they opened the lodge back up.

  December 17th—The snowing has finally stopped. James thinks maybe tomorrow the city will start clearing the roads enough for people to begin to leave. I only hope. We have a new crew of families coming for a couple of days before Christmas, and I need some time to clean the rooms and restock the pantry. I also need to pick up some small gifts for the guests and finish shopping for Ashley and James.

  December 18th—Slowly the lodge had started to clear out. Only one family remains, two elderly sisters with no family ties, opting to stay a little longer. I guess they are lonely and enjoy being with people during the holiday. Luckily, we had a family cancel a couple of days ago, freeing up a room. Adam has consumed my mind today. I plan on getting him some Christmas gifts, much to the objection of James. I don’t understand why he has totally turned his back on this little boy.

  “Here we go again with Adam. She is consumed with him.” Ashley closed the diary. Her dad turning his back on a little boy who supposedly needed help…that did not sound like him. Then again, he did send her away.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  What connection did Adam have to her family? Maybe her mother’s hatboxes held the answers. With a deep breath, she gathered the dreaded boxes around her on the floor. Maybe she’d missed something earlier when she looked through them. As she glanced back through each one, she saw nothing new regarding the name Adam. Finally, the lavender box was the only remaining one left for her to sort through. She approached the box as if it were poison. She opened the lid and reviewed back over the papers, going to great lengths to avoid the birth certificate that’d caused her so much pain. With nothing new discovered, she placed the boxes back on the shelf. A gentle push to tuck them away caused a square object to fall from behind the shelf. She lifted the item to see a frame with a picture of her mom and dad on their wedding day.