The Connector’s Advantage

by Michelle Tillis Lederman

  Trust: How We Build It, Break It, and Restore It

  According to my survey results, most people are neutral on giving trust freely. It needs to be earned, and it needs to be built. Connectors are slightly more likely (1.4 times) to trust other people’s honesty than Non-Connectors. To enhance your ability to build and maintain trust with others, it is important to analyze how trust is built, broken, and restored in organizations.

  How to Build Trust

  Trust can be built between two people as well as between a person and a company. Individuals build trust by incorporating the four pillars into their interactions and behavior. Some measures that build trust include: following through on what you say you’ll do, not asking others to do things you wouldn’t do yourself, modeling the behavior you seek in others, giving credit, acknowledging contributions, being honest, keeping confidences, sharing information, having a person’s back, and empowering others to act.

  For an organization, the mechanisms for building trust are not that different. To cultivate an environment of trust, the organizational culture should include: regular and robust communication from leadership, sufficient resources, reasonable workloads, flexible schedules for work–life balance, realistic goals and expectations, and fair rewards.

  There is a correlation between the first two weeks on the job and the longevity on that job. How a new employee is on-boarded will impact their feelings about the organization from day one. And it is well established how difficult it is to change that first impression. I will never forget my first day at my first job after college. I chose the now defunct Arthur Andersen and negotiated three items before signing on the dotted line: working for the manager who’d recruited me, being assigned a casino as a client, and recruiting at my undergraduate university. When I received my schedule, none of those items were included. The first response to my inquiry was a patronizing, “You don’t always get what you want.” Disillusioned was an understatement. Needless to say, my trust was shattered and my tenure was short. Building trust should be thought about in every interaction and every company policy.

  How We Break Trust

  Trust is not something that we think about every day. As a result, we don’t realize the things we are doing that break the trust of those around us. There are some obvious ways trust is broken: intentional and often unintentional lying; breaking a promise or commitment; not doing what you said you would do; cheating; not taking responsibility; stealing ideas, information, or credit; and throwing others under the bus. I am sure you could add to the list as you recall how someone betrayed you.

  During a training program, I posed the question, “How is trust broken in organizations?” and a participant responded nonchalantly with, “Spying.” I made a confused, questioning face at her and blurted, “What do you mean? Spying?!” I thought, “That doesn’t really happen, does it?” She replied, “You know... ‘Be my eyes and ears,’” and suddenly I understood. People use this phrase all the time. But that doesn’t make the actual practice correct. We often do things that we think are just a part of the way the business world works—but really these things are eroding the trust of the people around us.

  There is also a laundry list of seemingly innocuous ways that trust is broken: withholding or hoarding information, gossiping, being inconsiderate or disrespectful, dismissing something someone feels is important, keeping secrets, white lies, covering up mistakes, micro-managing, sending mixed messages, shutting down others’ ideas, revealing private information due to carelessness. Have you ever sent an email and included someone you shouldn’t have? I was mortified when I forwarded an email where I had a private exchange about the other person’s health. I had forgotten the email chain had that information when I used it to respond to a larger group. I apologized profusely and we moved past it. Unintentional or not, it still happened and damaged the trust we were building.

  Be vigilant and tune into how other people’s actions impact your level of trust. Then check yourself for those subtle ways you may be breaking the trust of those in your circle and adjust.

  How to Restore Trust

  It is possible, though difficult, to restore trust once it’s broken, and if you don’t at least try, you’ll never accomplish it. Rebuilding trust doesn’t just happen. It takes a willingness by both parties. The first step in restoring trust is apologizing and accepting responsibility for your actions. Be clear on your desire to restore that trust. Acknowledging what you did wrong and communicating your understanding of why it was wrong will help.

  It is a tricky thing to ask the hurt party, “What can I do to make it better?” as that puts the onus on them to figure out a solution. Take that on yourself. Share how you intend to act differently going forward. Explain what you learned from the incident and how you plan to prevent a recurrence. Once you establish your intended efforts, you can then ask, “Is there anything else you would like to have happen?” Have a plan to hold yourself accountable. When you say what you will do, you then have to do it and not just one time. It can be hard to stick with the plan when you continue to feel the distrust of the other person. Remember, trust is not rebuilt with one corrected behavior. It takes consistently showing a new course of action.

  As part of the process, expect an emotional or angry response. Allow the person to vent and release their feelings about what you did. Don’t defend or explain. Just listen. In the end, part of restoring trust is forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to let go and move forward. Don’t give up on your desire to restore trust. Don’t expect overnight results. Like anything worth doing, it takes time.

  Trust Needs to Be Given to Be Received

  My father is a self-made man who never went to college. He grew up very poor and taught me to always think about how others could take advantage of me so I could prevent it. That is how he saw the world, perhaps as a result of his experiences. One of his first jobs was in a used car lot. The owners taught him how to dig grooves in tires; he later realized it was to make them look newer to match the odometer they had rolled back. When I was car shopping, he made sure I knew how to test the accuracy of the mileage, check the oil levels, and know if automatic fluid was the right color. He knew the likelihood of being swindled, so he thought and sought to prevent what he expected.

  On the flip side, my mother always taught me to trust someone until or unless they gave you a reason not to. I adopted her philosophy and prefer to approach people with the idea that they’re trustworthy. It is definitely a choice and not my natural inclination. By placing trust and confidence in others, you often reap the benefit of being trusted yourself. In my line of work, I have to trust that others aren’t going to steal my clients. How do I ensure that’s not going to happen? I can’t! I just have to trust the people I choose to put in front of my clients. So while my dad may have taught me how to be skeptical and cynical, my choice is to be trusting and put relationships first.

  I’m not saying you should just blindly trust every person. You don’t have to trust a person in every scenario but instead for one certain thing. You can be selective. Maybe you trust your colleague to get the job done, but you do not trust them to keep a secret, because they tend to gossip. Trust your own intuition—those butterflies in your gut—about who to rely on for each issue on your short list.

  The good news is the survey results revealed you don’t have to have a natural propensity to trust to be a Connector; they have a slight innate tendency toward trust, but not an overwhelming one. So if you feel you tend not to have a trusting personality, that doesn’t prevent you from adopting a trusting mindset. The behaviors within this mindset can be learned.

  You can still make casual acquaintances without the critical component of trust, but you’ll never get to that place of a full connection without it. Be aware of and prevent those actions that can erode the trust of those around you. You have to give trust to receive trust. Show your colleagues and employees that you believe in them. Emp
ower others around you, and you may just see that trust returned.

  Refresh Your Memory

  Trust is at the core of a Connector: the ability to trust yourself, the inclination to trust others, and the potential to be trusted by others.

  Trust is the expectation of predictability.

  The four pillars of trust are:

  Authenticity: You have to be willing to share some information about yourself. If you are not bringing the real you, there’s no way to connect or trust.

  Vulnerability: Vulnerability means self-disclosure, acknowledging your mistakes, and being okay with being imperfect. Vulnerability leads to credibility.

  Transparency: Keep people in the loop even if you don’t have all the answers, and they will trust that you will tell them when you do.

  Consistency: To be consistent is to act the same way over time. Consistency is the cornerstone of trust.

  Restore trust. We do things daily to build and break trust. Restore broken trust over time. Start by apologizing and accepting responsibility. Acknowledging the impact and establishing a plan of action will lay the foundation for future trust.

  Connectors Are Social and Curious

  “You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.”

  Dale Carnegie

  We Are All Social Beings

  To be social is simply to seek or enjoy companionship of others. It is not, by definition, being a social butterfly or the life of the party—in fact, in my survey, I found that doesn’t matter whatsoever when it comes to someone’s status as a Connector. Being social does not require you to enjoy large groups of people; it just means you like being part of and interacting with a community of people. We are all social beings, but that does not mean interactions with others don’t exhaust us at times, even the extroverts.

  Although people are often classified as either introvert (drained by social encounters and energized by solitary activities) or extrovert (energized by being around other people), the truth is that many of us are “ambiverts” (occasionally called “omniverts”)—people whose personality has a balance of both features. Ambiverts are either introverts who enjoy socializing from time to time or extroverts who need some time alone after socializing. No matter how you classify yourself, it won’t determine your efficacy or abilities to connect as a social being. I want you to embrace being social in a way that works for you. You’ll connect better when you do what’s authentic for you: as I found in my survey results, 94% of Connectors strongly agree that when communicating with others, they try to be genuine with what they say and do. They weren’t exclusively introverts or extroverts; they were both. We are all social beings with a need for connection. How we connect with others is up to each of us—there is no one or right way.

  Find Your Format

  Shocking news, but not everyone loves networking events—milling about by the hors d’oeuvres table to strike up conversations with people you have never met. I admit it, even as an extrovert, sometimes I find those events extremely draining. I have to psych myself up for them and harness my energy to enter that daunting room with the right mindset. You may be relieved to hear my research revealed that Connectors do not have to be social in a traditional or extroverted way. It’s the same concept as “find your tribe,” only in this instance, it is find your format. Even the most extroverted person may feel unsure in some social settings or in the virtual world where there is not always feedback. Being social is more a matter of pinpointing what works for you.

  In today’s technology-reliant society, there are now more ways than ever to be social. You can interact with other individuals or groups without leaving the comfort and security of your home. Consider the three main mechanisms for socialization: virtual, group, and one-on-one. Within each of these main approaches, you can further refine your preferred format for interacting. Being social can look different for everyone. If you do not like groups, don’t go to large events all the time. I would, however, encourage you to go sometimes. It is important to find your format and also to stretch yourself. Increase your ability and comfort with other formats to increase your confidence when you do have to navigate those social settings.

  Group Settings

  Group settings are often the most challenging, even for the most outwardly social people. There are many benefits to these types of events that you should consider before crossing this option off your list:

  They enable you to select a group with similar interests, job function, work challenge, or professional industry. With preestablished commonalities, conversations of interest are easier to uncover.

  You can meet many people at the same time and increase your probability of finding people you connect with.

  There are frequent opportunities to attend these types of events and hone your connecting skills in a lower-risk setting.

  Introverts might consider approaching networking events differently—perhaps get there early, when everyone is looking for someone to talk to. You can volunteer to work the desk or be a greeter, giving you an assigned role and therefore an easy excuse to strike up a conversation. Keep in mind the dos and don’ts for a group setting, outlined in Figure 8.1.

  Figure 8.1: The Dos and Don’ts of Group Settings

  Do

  Don’t

  Smile

  Have closed-off or uninviting body language

  Make eye contact

  Stare at your phone

  Keep your body slightly open, not shoulder to shoulder

  Close off the circle too tight

  Enable others to join your group conversation

  Make it difficult for others to break in to your group

  Introduce yourself to new members

  Ignore new members of the group

  Approach individuals who are on their own

  Be afraid to approach and invite a person to join

  Virtual Connecting

  There are so many ways to connect and build relationships without ever leaving your home or office: social media, video chat, or online groups. (I go in depth about a few of the options in part III.) The best tip I can give you is not just to join but to participate if you want to create connections. Social media can be overwhelming—there are so many sites that can suck your time. Think about where the people you want to connect with hang out online. Consider joining groups that are of professional as well as personal interest. And don’t be afraid to turn on that video camera. Putting a face to a voice and being able to read body language immediately creates a stronger bond than just audio and certainly more than text or email.

  One-on-One Interactions

  Whether via video or face-to-face, remember that connecting happens one-on-one. Live opportunities don’t have to be planned or professional. Honestly, it is often easier to engage your social side out of the office. Social connections happen often in unlikely places, like at the dog park, in the line at the restroom, or in the stands at a sports event. Last year, during a field trip for my son’s class, another mother mentioned she was in a working women’s affinity group and would love to talk to me about speaking there. We were both chaperones on a trip and it naturally bridged to business. Connections happen when they aren’t forced. Lasting connections happen every day at places of worship, mahjong and poker tables, book and knitting clubs, running groups, charity events... The goal is to find a format that works for you and attend regularly.

  Often reconnecting and resurrecting friendships from the past to th
e present can create some of the strongest bonds. Especially if that shared past is pleasant. I told you about my sister’s introduction to the head of NBC’s digital publishing, someone she dated in junior high. At our first meeting, I brought him a picture I had of him in seventh grade wearing a yellow baseball shirt tucked into high-waisted gray sweatpants! (I think he thought it was still the ’70s!) Leveraging a shared past kicked off the current connection.

  Create, Join, or Volunteer

  I receive a ton of emails every day. I often delete ones from various alumni clubs or networking groups without much more than a skim. So why don’t I just get off the list? Because once in a while I see an event that I am glad to attend. Sometimes I’ll share it with someone else and not personally attend.

  Recently it was an all alumni ski trip that caught my eye. A man named Fred was organizing it for the sixth year, and I wondered why it was the first year I had heard about it. I registered my family to join, and it was a great trip with alumni of all ages—but I noticed Fred wasn’t skiing. Curious, I asked him why he organized the trip if he wasn’t going to enjoy it. His first response was, “I love to throw a good party.” He then shared the impetus for the original trip—to create a community of alumni from his alma mater—and how even when that purpose evaporated, he continued because of the people.