The Connector’s Advantage

by Michelle Tillis Lederman

  Fred built relationships with every single person there. People came year after year because of him. I asked if he ever did business with anyone from the trip. He responded, “Yes, but that’s not why I do it.” He added, “If I go looking for a lead, I can’t find one,” but on the trip, it seems to just happen.

  Fred’s ski weekend is a great example of creating an event. Though his original impetus was building a network of alumni from his alma mater, the event expanded to include multiple schools. Relationships form faster when you have the built-in association of a person, community, or experience. There are tons of events already out there, both large and small, but if you find what you are looking for doesn’t exist, then create it.

  Create a Community

  A community provides a feeling of fellowship with others as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals. Who do you want to be in a community with? There are multiple ways to kick-start new groups; they can be in person or online or a mix between the two. Here are a few examples of people who created the community they wanted. Perhaps one has your people already and you can simply join.

  Network Under 40: When a friend asked Darrah Brustein, “Where do you suggest I go to make friends after college?” she couldn’t think of a good answer, so she founded an organization that would intersect friendship and business. She created a peer-to-peer environment where relationships come before transactions. Launched in Atlanta in 2011, Network Under 40 (NetworkUnder40.com) now serves 30,000-plus young professionals in six U.S. cities and counting.

  Ivy: When Beri Meric left Harvard Business School, he missed the tribe of like-minded folks he met there. He solved the problem by cofounding Ivy (Ivy.com), the Social University, which is creating collegiate-inspired communities in cities across the globe.

  Intern Queen: Anyone who has ever been an intern knows that it is not easy when you’re at the bottom of the ladder. Lauren Berger launched the website Intern Queen (InternQueen.com) in 2009 in an effort to help connect worthy would-be interns with desirable positions. The result? Lauren created a hub for recent graduates that her future clients want access to. Creating a community to benefit the members turned into a business with endless benefits for all.

  Young Entrepreneur Council (YEC): Scott Gerber promised himself if he ever succeeded, he would work to ensure that no young entrepreneur ever felt alone or struggled without the proper resources. With cofounder Ryan Paugh, they created the Young Entrepreneur Council (YEC.co) to empower young entrepreneurs who believe that doing well and doing good are not mutually exclusive.

  GirlFriend Circles: This online community was started by Shasta Nelson—a friendship expert who wrote the book Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. GirlFriend Circles (GirlFriendCircles.com) is a safe and encouraging place to ask for advice, meet other women in your area who want to meet new friends, share experiences, and keep on learning about the research that supports building better relationships.

  Create an Event

  Sometimes creating and curating a community may seem like a bigger challenge and commitment than you want to take on. So start small and create an event within your network, whether it’s hosting an annual Cinco de Mayo party or having monthly dinners with the same group of friends. It can be a one-time thing or recurring gathering. If you are worried about cost, don’t. Design a gathering that either doesn’t cost anything or where people pay their way.

  Start small and maybe your event will transform into a community. That is what happened for Rebecca Friese Rodskog, founder of an invite-only Bay Area luncheon for 12 hand-selected women that she calls 12@12. Rebecca, first mentioned in chapter 1, firmly believes that magic happens when the right women come together, so she creates the space to enable those connections.

  Join and Find Your People

  If you don’t want to create your own event or group, find one that suits you. The fact is, there are likely hundreds, if not thousands, of them near your home. When I first moved to the suburbs, I joined an online group for moms, then I found a mom-owned business group that met locally. As my personal and professional needs changed, so did the groups I belonged to. I am a huge fan of the Nextdoor platform (Nextdoor.com), a private social network allowing you to stay up on what’s going on in your neighborhood. You can recommend doctors and plumbers, post events, send direct messages, and sell to those in your and nearby neighborhoods.

  Seek both personal and professional networks. I joined a local chapter of the National Speakers Association and gained friends, mentors, and strategic partners all in one place. The best group I ever joined has to be Authoress, an online community of female authors created by Denise Brosseau and Sarah Granger. I have referenced the group throughout the book as so many contributed their expertise and introductions. “Getting a book out is hard, and sharing great ideas is a journey,” Sarah explains. “This network is a warning signal, resource provider, and safety valve for conversation. It has become an amplifier.”

  Sarah approached Denise who she knew from the Forum for Women Entrepreneurs, a trade association Denise had founded, and reached out through her website (ThoughtLeadershipLab.com). Denise is a serial community builder and joiner who believes in the power of community to change the world. Together, they started the Authoress group by inviting a dozen women they knew in the San Francisco Bay Area who had published books to connect through a Google group. Today, the group has more than 220 members across the country and a few international members. The only way into the group is by invitation from a current member.

  Groups can be open, invitation only, paid, or even require an application. BNI is an example of a formal networking group requiring both an application and a fee. The mission of BNI is to help members increase their business through a structured, positive, and professional referral marketing program that enables them to develop long-term, meaningful relationships with quality business professionals.

  I have always known about BNI and had been invited to be a guest at meetings in the past. I hadn’t joined because of the timing of meetings and level of commitment required at a time when I had small kids. When I attended a recent meeting, I realized BNI was the perfect organization to highlight and went about trying to connect with the right person to get permission. What happens when you are a Connector? I mentioned interest during an interview with a podcaster and was told to use his name to reach out to BNI’s founder, Ivan Misner. You know how the story ends: Ivan not only replied with permission and an interview, he wrote the foreword to this book! Ivan truly understands and values the impact of connection.

  Volunteer and Connect through Cause

  Volunteering results in some of the strongest and often unlikely connections. I told you in chapter 5 that by chairing an animal rescue event, I landed my first client, JP Morgan. Kristen Lamoreaux, founder of SIM (Society for Information Management) Women, a networking organization for female CIOs and their direct reports, calls it networking through philanthropy: “When you are giving away some of your precious free time for a cause you truly believe in, you are not there for the sale, you are there for the greater good. Yet simply being present allows you to connect with people on a genuine level, regardless of their title, position, or company.”

  Trust is built more quickly in philanthropic situations. It’s not surprising, when everyone is there to do good. There are shared values and interest, so trust forms more easily. “The key is to put the cause first and networking second,” shares Kristen. “A salesperson might join a charitable organization with a noted CEO on its board in hopes of scoring some face-time during a fundraising event. But such superficial interactions won’t generate any traction.” Instead, Kristen recommends volunteering consistently with a nonprofit you truly care to help.

  That is exactly what Eric Gorham did when he cofounded the Gateway to Innovation Conference (G2I Conference.com) to make a difference for schools in St. Louis, Missouri.
The organization invests in the technology needs of schools, STEM programs, and children themselves. Attendees and sponsors get involved and devote time and resources and use their networks all because they share the goal to strengthen the community. “The network I built from a business side is huge,” he tells me. Eric has hired people and also referred people he volunteered with. “My association with the conference has opened doors,” Eric professes. When St. Louis government agencies were experiencing denial of service attacks, Eric was able to call the CIOs of two major organizations to help work the problem—simply because of the connections he had made through the event. Sincere involvement with an organization you care about can help you build solid, long-lasting relationships with your fellow volunteers.

  The Introvert’s Edge

  When I reached out to my network asking for stories of Connectors, I received an email from a longtime friend introducing me to Cindy. Lily wrote, “Cindy is a wonderful person who creates meaningful relationships with everyone she comes in contact with. She is also so giving and is always looking for ways to connect people she knows for personal or professional reasons. I simply adore her.”

  Cindy took a while to reply to the introduction, explaining, “It didn’t immediately resonate why so many people refer to me as a Connector.” Lily shared that Cindy would describe herself as “an introvert, a really good listener.” That made perfect sense to me as listening is key to finding the opportunities and commonalities.

  What really resonates for me in her email is when she wrote, “I don’t usually think about making connections for personal gains, but more because I’ve uncovered a fit.”

  “That, Cindy,” I replied, “is a Connector mindset.” We had a long email exchange and I realized she thought extroversion was a prerequisite to being a Connector. I cleared up that misconception for her and want to disabuse anyone out there of that thinking.

  One of the best Connectors I know is an introvert; it’s the same Sarah who cofounded the Authoress group. Though I have never met Sarah in person, I have met many people through knowing her in a virtual format. Sarah is an author, speaker, and self-described introvert. She shares, “I felt socially awkward as a kid—less able to easily start conversations than other people. By high school, I generally felt more comfortable making friends and communicating online.” She jokes about her introversion but is no longer phobic of social events. She does both, but excels in online connecting. As she put it, “I was good at identifying people with similar interests and inviting them to collaborate together online.” You can read her digital dos and don’ts in chapter 11.

  Matthew Pollard, host of The Introvert’s Edge podcast (and my inspiration for the title of this section), believes that “introversion is something to be embraced, not overcome. You already have every talent and ability you need in order to outsell and out-network your extroverted counterparts. You just need to learn the systems and strategies to hone your inherent skills and translate them to business success.”

  Matthew hosted another podcaster on his show, Jaime Masters of Eventual Millionaire. While most think Jaime is an extrovert now, as a speaker and podcast host, she had a fairly strong form of introversion—she would turn blotchy red when she was nervous speaking with strangers. When she started her own business, she knew she had to overcome that to be successful. Initially she needed a push from her mentor but, over time, Jaime developed her own approach and thinking around building connections.

  “One of the tactics that I’ve learned is just trying to make them feel comfortable,” she says. She brings people to events so she can make introductions. She also shares a controversial tactic: “I hug people. It’s one of those things where you can start making them feel more connected.” Touching can be tricky and it is certainly easier for women than men, so use your judgment and recognize that touching an arm is much more acceptable than touching someone’s back. Make the touch brief as a lingering touch can be awkward or misconstrued.

  Finding points of commonality is what Jaime calls “connection threads,” and she believes the more connection threads she makes when she meets someone, the higher her chances of creating a bond with them. Jaime explains, “At the beginning, it was me going, ‘I just want to be your friend,’ literally.” I must admit I have used that same line when meeting someone I just wanted to know. While her tips might seem extreme, they work for her. She is now considered a pro networker. She shares, “I still turn red, I didn’t get rid of that. But I’m not nervous as much and I’m over the fact that I turn red and I bring it up.”

  I repeat: Connectors do not need to be extroverts! Many introverts are amazing Connectors with their own way to do it. They leverage their natural listening skills to make people feel heard. They are able to focus their attention on the person in front of them. All of these innately introverted qualities are advantages when it comes to connection.

  How to Work a Room

  Networking events are a common and often dreaded means to make new connections. Those environments can be daunting even for the most comfortable networker. That’s why I reached out to my friend Susan RoAne, author of the bestselling book How to Work a Room (SusanRoAne.com), for her top tips to navigate these events. If you want to learn more from Susan, she also authored The Secrets of Savvy Networking; What Do I Say Next?; and How to Create Your Own Luck.

  Align Your Attitude. Susan explains you need to “check your attitude and energy before attending an event. If you’re going to show up, be positive, enthusiastic, and upbeat! People are attracted to others who are enjoying themselves.” It also helps to consider why you are attending the event. She cautions, “Don’t have an agenda. We can tell if you do. Be guided, not blinded, by your goals.” I always say, if you don’t have the right energy to be there, go home. I give you permission to skip an event and attend the next one. But make sure you don’t give yourself the out too often. Stretch yourself.

  Prepare for Conversation. If you have a concern over how to start a conversation or what you will talk about, Susan advises that you “know what is going on in your profession, city, state, and the world. Prepare three to five items to interject, reference, or discuss.” People relate more to stories than facts so she suggests you “check out the business and sports pages, trade journals, movie reviews, and your favorite content curators so that you have something to talk about.” Those stories can make for great conversational anecdotes. My advice is to make sure you are actually interested in the topics, so the conversation can extend through natural interest and curiosity and not be forced.

  Initiate Introductions. Susan refers to name tags as “a gift of information and a source to start a conversation.” Wear yours on the right-hand side so it is in the line of sight with an extended handshake. And as you extend your hand, she advises, “introduce yourself and use the person’s name.” If you have already met, reintroduce yourself and others will generally respond in kind. This is her trick to save everyone the embarrassment of forgotten names. If you want to wait for someone else to initiate, make eye contact and smile. It acts as an invitation and indicates approachability. You want to make it easy for people to talk to you.

  Rescue Someone. I call it the lone wolf. Susan says look for the white-knuckled drinker. Often there are people who are not in conversation and look uncomfortable in the environment. She describes them as having “the glass gripped so tightly for support that the knuckles turn white. That person, who is speaking to no one, would welcome your conversations.” Go talk to them!

  Attend with a Friend. Susan recommends you choose someone in a non-competitive field so you can cross-promote each other: “Choose a companion who will introduce you with the same level of enthusiasm that you have demonstrated.” There are mixed opinions on this one. Matthew Pollard, author of The Introvert’s Edge, will tell you to go alone so you don’t depend on someone else to make introductions. Ivan Misner, founder of BNI, suggested on Matthew’s Introver
t’s Edge podcast that if you’re an introvert, go with an extrovert who can introduce you all night. I think both approaches can work, but be aware of the drawbacks of each.

  Extricate Graciously. I agree fully with Susan that knowing how to exit a conversation is a must. Don’t forget the impact of mood memory from chapter 8 of The 11 Laws of Likability. You don’t want to mar someone’s impression of the interaction because of how the conversation ended. After you close the conversation, Susan recommends you “move about one-quarter of the room away. No sense in standing in the same area near the person you just left.”

  Follow Up. This seems obvious, but often where we leave a conversation is at just that—a single interaction. The goal is to create a connection, to build off the conversation. Think about how to create your next point of contact. Susan’s approach is to “devise a system to organize the follow-up process both online and offline.” I have a graveyard of business cards on my desk. The truth is, you can’t follow up with everyone. Prioritize. My system is if I wrote something on their card, I follow up. Keep it simple and keep the connection going.

  Curiosity Is Key

  Curiosity is the foundation of being social; it enables connection and Connectors are fundamentally curious people. They like interacting with others because they are inherently intrigued by the world and the people around them. The desire to know more about a person is the fuel for conversation and key to tapping into our social side.

  To access your curiosity, don’t think, “What should I say?” Instead think, “What should I ask?” Questions drive conversation and the answers lead us to find points of commonality: common interests, values, people, experiences, and causes. The connection is accelerated through the Law of Similarity and associations found in truly listening to the answers.