Book Read Free

The Connector’s Advantage

Page 14

by Michelle Tillis Lederman


  Close the Loop

  Part of doing what you say you are going to do is not just the execution but the follow-through of circling back and closing the loop. It’s similar to following up your answer to a question by asking, “Does that answer your question?” Closing the loop takes it beyond your part in the process and considers the bigger picture, the reason you were performing that task. You can close the loop by checking with a teammate that they have everything they need or inquiring about the progress of the project even if your part is long completed.

  Closing the loop is critical to Connectors who are reaping the benefit and assistance of their connections. Let’s say Devyn made an introduction for you. Let her know you followed through on her outreach. It is respecting what someone else has done for you. You are not just representing yourself, you are representing whoever made that initial introduction for you. You don’t have to copy them on every email exchange. I typically move the Connector to a bcc, so they know we have connected while saving their inbox from excess emails. To truly close the loop, I will circle back with Devyn and let her know the outcome of the conversation and her effort.

  I will often mention Devyn with my new connection, reinforcing that she made the connection, adding value for her and also building trust with the connection. Always let someone know what their efforts resulted in. Don’t make them wonder! Prove that they were right to do whatever they did for you. Give the credit and appreciation as you close the loop. After my first book came out, I sent copies with personal inscriptions to all the people who helped me. Closing the loop is about not forgetting the people who helped you get there, no matter how long ago that help might have been. Regardless of whether or not their efforts created results, appreciate the effort more than the result.

  Four Communication Hacks

  I was invited to be on the World of Speakers podcast hosted by three-time T E Dx speaker and communication guru Ryan Foland (RyanFoland.com). As I always try to do, I chatted with Ryan before and after the show. That conversation sparked this sidebar with his simple hacks for meeting new people and networking events.

  Be Easy to Read. When it comes to meeting people you’ve never met before, first impressions really are critical. Ryan asked me, “Did you know that your face makes over 4,000 micro movements that other people can pick up on subconsciously?” I didn’t! According to Ryan, these tiny alterations in your facial expressions communicate volumes to people, whether you realize it or not. Humans are trained to constantly evaluate situations to make sure you are in a safe environment. Ryan and I agree that the best way to let people know you are not a threat is simple—smile! People who smile are approachable, people who don’t are not. When you scan a room, your subconscious picks up signals from faces in the crowd. You are more likely to connect with those who look like they’re in a good mood, return eye contact, and give you signals that they are open to a conversation. Smile in the middle of conversation to acknowledge a point made, smile just to smile, and you will find others smiling back at you. This low-tech tip is one of the most powerful that you can use and it extends well beyond networking. Try to smile more in your regular day-to-day interactions and you will invite conversations, connections, and opportunities that you may have missed.

  Get Them Talking. One of the best tactics in a networking situation is active listening and ensuring you are listening out and not just listening in as explained in chapter 6 of The 11 Laws of Likability. The fact is, people like to talk. Ryan shares, “There are studies that show a correlation between the amount of time that someone talks and how connected they feel with a conversation.” Therefore, Ryan advises, “If you want to build quicker relationships with people you’ve just met, get them to talk more.” To do this, Ryan wants you to “pay attention and understand what they’re saying so you can ask better questions based on the information they’re providing.” When you focus on listening, you will be more engaged in the conversation, create positive mood memory for the person talking, and increase the likelihood that you will have a second conversation. Learn to listen, and listen to learn about the other person.

  Know How to Communicate the Problem You Solve. When Ryan consults with leaders on creating more buy-in for their products and services, he teaches them to start with the problem they solve. You already know from chapter 5 that people are driven by WIIFT. You will be a more compelling contact if you can solve a problem. When someone asks you what you do, “phrase your answer in a way that communicates the problem you solve, without telling them what you do.” When you do, you will notice that people who are interested in the problem will ask you for more information. I thought it was an interesting approach; instead of saying, “I am a trainer or coach,” I could say, “I help people work better together.” When Ryan employs this hack, it leads into a natural conversation about what he does to solve that problem. As he puts it, “By slightly changing the order of information offered, you will not only catch their attention, but create intrigue and keep the conversation going.”

  Create a Memory Flash. The advice be memorable is easier said than done. At a networking event, you may meet dozens of people; it’s hard to remember everyone. So how do you stand out? Ryan explains that you want to “create an anchor memory in their brain.” His way of doing this is right before the conversation ends, Ryan “will ask them to come up with a code word. People typically are confused. I ask them to come up with a word that makes them remember our interaction or conversation; anything that comes to the top of their mind at that moment such as something we talked about or the event itself.” He then puts the code word in the subject line of his follow-up email. “That word created a mental anchor in their brain.” The funny thing is, this happened to me unintentionally with Kristen Pressner and the word “Blerg!” See chapter 11 for the full story.

  Know When to Say No and How to Say Yes

  Let me be clear: conscientious doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. Connectors say no; they just know how and when to say no. The fact is, it’s hard to say no. You don’t want to give an answer someone doesn’t want to hear. It’s uncomfortable. You feel rude, think your peers will find you unhelpful, or worry that your boss will think you are not dedicated. Sometimes you want to say yes but then overextend yourself and need to remember no is an option. My husband taped the word no to my monitor for a year to remind me that I needed to say it more often. He was right. To be conscientious, and do what you say you are going to do, you must be selective about what you commit to. You need to know when and how to say no. When saying no is not an option, you must also learn how to say yes.

  Recently a loose family relation, whom I’m not close with, emailed me and asked me to speak at a midweek dinner for her local professional group. The event was an hour away from my home, the drive would be during rush hour and my family time, they didn’t have a budget, and the audience size was a few dozen people. If it hadn’t been a relative, saying no would have been easy. I used a response technique I call No, But. I shared my pro bono policy and requirements and said, “I am not able to say yes to this event, but if you join with another group and are able to meet the minimum participation or... please reach back out.” I gave her multiple ways to get a yes in the future and explained my reasons for saying no to the request. It was still hard, but it was the right answer for me.

  The response technique you choose is based on the priority of the request and the relationship you have with the person making the ask. Table 9.1 shows the response options for those spectrums and a suggested response technique.

  Table 9.1: When to Say No and How to Say Yes

  Priority

  Relationship

  Choice

  Technique

  Low

  Low

  Decline or Question
/>   No

  Yes, If

  Yes, When

  Yes, After

  Low to moderate

  Moderate

  Redefine

  Qualified No

  No with Alternatives

  Yes with Alternatives

  Low to moderate

  High

  Reprioritize

  No, But

  Yes, If

  Yes with Alternatives

  High

  High

  Accept

  Yes

  When the relationship and request are both low, saying no is much easier. So simply say no, or “no, thank you” if it feels better to you. Avoid saying, “I am sorry, no.” First, you have nothing to be sorry for; you are allowed to say no. Second, it leaves the door open to them not accepting the no and pushing you toward a yes you really don’t want to give. If your position or relationship requires your answer to be yes, a no can be framed as Yes, If. First, question more about the request such as, “Is it higher priority than...?” or “Are you open to another person assisting you?” or “Would _______ be an option?” With more information you can answer, “Yes, if it is urgent” or “Yes, if no one else is available.” This enables the person asking to reevaluate if it is something they really need you to do.

  As the relationship increases in importance, the yes or no response will soften. You can redefine the ask with a Qualified No. “I can’t do it all, but I can help you with...” or “I am not available now, but can find time on...” You can also mutually reprioritize by saying either “No, but I can do it after I finish” or “I am not able to help, but I can suggest a few people that may be interested.” The Qualified No can be turned into a qualified yes or a Yes with Alternatives. Try, “Yes, I can help you get that done; which task do you want to tackle first?” or “Yes, I can help you identify some resources to do that.”

  Personally, I am a huge fan of the alternatives option and rely on it often. I can only take on a limited number of coaching clients. When my son’s teacher asked me to speak to her husband who was starting a business, I was happy to. When he wanted to hire me as a coach, I used the alternatives approach by providing information about more cost-effective group coaching options. I forwarded him resources to assist but was firm with my no. This tactic enables you to still feel comfortable and good in the relationship and does not risk the long-term connection.

  Saying yes is easy. What makes a yes the right answer is ensuring it is aligned with your capacity and priorities. If you decide to say yes, consider that there are many ways to say yes: Yes, If; Yes, After; Yes, When. Any time your capacity or skill inhibits your ability to accomplish the task, the right answer is “Yes, with help”: “I would be happy to do that but need help reassigning these tasks”; “Yes, I can do that if there is training offered.” Say yes and make sure it is a yes you can actually do and do well.

  When I think of this mindset, the word “trustworthy” always comes up. But trustworthy isn’t a mindset—it’s something that’s earned. It’s a perception that others have of you that can only be attained by being conscientious over time. Conscientiousness has many definitions, but the one I like the best is simply: “follow through.” When a person is thoughtful about the choices they make and is clear about what they are willing to say yes and no to, when they do what they say they’re going to do, and when they execute tasks with full effort, eventually they develop a reputation that they’re a trustworthy person. It is among the Connector’s most important traits.

  Refresh Your Memory

  Conscientiousness is a key trait in Connectors, who are 2.6 times more likely to have positive conscientiousness than Non-Connectors. If a Connector says they are going to do something, they do it.

  Do what you say you are going to do. Conscientiousness can be cultivated. You are not changing your personality; you are building skills.

  Make a plan. Deciding to be more conscientious is too vague and broad. Instead, pick a concrete aspect to work on such as punctuality, scheduling your day, or organizing your office. Part of planning is figuring out what to do when things don’t work out the way you planned.

  Don’t phone it in. Do everything to the best of your ability. There is a difference between doing something and doing it well. A conscientious person takes pride in how they execute a task.

  Follow up and follow through. Part of doing what you say you are going to do is not just the execution but the follow-through of circling back and closing the loop. Follow-up and follow-through leads to credibility and strengthens your position in other people’s minds as a Connector.

  Try a communication hack. Make a good first impression, be an active listener, and ask follow-up questions in a conversation. When you’re telling other people about your work, start by explaining the problem you solve.

  Know how to say yes and no. A Connector is conscientious about what they commit to, and they don’t say yes to every request. There are multiple ways to say yes such as Yes, If; Yes, After; and Yes, When. Saying no is easier when you provide alternatives. Try No, But or a Qualified No.

  10

  Connectors Have a Generous Spirit

  “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”

  Winston Churchill

  Generosity Is Exponential

  I am passionate about this mindset. It is intrinsically linked with the tenth law of likability, the Law of Giving. I am often expounding the ideals of give first, give often, give because you can, and give without the expectation of getting anything in return. Generosity inherently creates value—that value can be hard to track, but it’s infectious!

  Someone with a generous spirit exhibits a readiness to give more of something than is strictly necessary or expected. It is an approach to life and does not depend on your circumstances. A homeless man was given $100 and bought food and distributed it to others in need. That YouTube video, “How Does a Homeless Man Spend $100?” has always stuck with me. 1

  A generous spirit is one that engages others with an open heart and mind, without judgment, and is accepting of different beliefs, values, and behaviors. A person with a generous spirit assumes positive intent, embraces difference, and is genuinely happy for others’ good fortune. They are not without jealousy, but that momentary twinge does not drive their words or actions.

  I read this description and it seems out of reach; I think to myself, “Do I truly adopt a generous spirit?” I make these people sound like saints; they are not. It takes conscious effort to choose a generous mindset. To embrace it requires you to expend energy on looking for what is good or admirable about a person or situation, to look for the opportunities to add value, to question your assumptions and conclusions. That is all within reach.

  There are many ways to act on your generous spirit, but it is the spirit itself that exemplifies a Connector. I saw this mindset so clearly during my conversation with acclaimed leadership coach Marshall Goldsmith. He epitomizes a generous spirit: “I don’t have any intellectual property, I give away everything. Anybody can use any of my stuff any way they want to. All you do is you go online. Read whatever you want to read—use it, copy it, download, share with anybody you want to, put your name on it. I don’t care.” Marshall has recently “adopted” 100 coaches to whom he will teach his wealth of knowledge. His only payment: that they pay it forward in some way.

  Marshall shares a story from his youth that illustrates this approach to people and life. When he was stationed in Kentucky, he was in charge of the March of Dimes bread drive. The way it was supposed to work was “you knock on the door and ask for a donation. When someone gives
you a donation, you give them a loaf of bread. They do not give you a donation, you don’t give them a loaf of bread.” Marshall told his team, “We’re going to do this differently. When people open the door, you give them a loaf of bread. If they want to donate something, fine. If they don’t want to donate, you give them a loaf of bread anyway!” His approach was if they’re too poor to give you any money, just give them the bread. His team was in the poorest neighborhood, so they probably should’ve come in near last place in terms of collection. “We won by 20%,” he shares with pride.

  His theory is that “most people are nice people and if you’re generous with them and nice, then they’ll be generous and nice to you too! That’s just the way people are.” That thinking enables him to embody the spirit of generosity.

  There Is Always Value to Add

  The key to having a generous spirit is being genuinely happy about giving. It goes hand in hand with the abundant mindset: not only do you have enough, but when you share—be it time, contacts, knowledge, or resources—you feel good about it. You’re not resentful or regretful and you don’t keep a scorecard waiting for when you will be “paid” back.

 

‹ Prev