The Connector’s Advantage

by Michelle Tillis Lederman

  Sometimes it can be hard to realize just how much you have to give. I hear this often when people are seeking mentors or building a connection with someone further along in their career or the hierarchy. I get it. I have felt that many times and still do. You want to build relationships with both the more and less experienced. Over the last dozen years, I have grown a relationship with a highly successful CEO, who I was introduced to by a mutual friend. Even though he knocked down my business idea in the first 10 minutes we spoke, that didn’t prevent or discourage the relationship from continuing. I have tried to be helpful to him over the years, but in all honesty it has been minimal in comparison. Note to self: people with a generous spirit are not keeping a scorecard!

  A couple of years ago at a bar, I said, “You know, you’re a mentor to me.” He smiled and laughed. In my mind, he’s more valuable to me than I am to him. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been able to add value; there is always value to add. I have made introductions. Once I was able to get him a specific superhero T-shirt he wanted from Target; at the time, there were none near his home in the heart of New York City. Recently, I told him about a home remedy for healing a sty. Perhaps him knowing how much his advice has helped me is in itself valuable to him.

  Even though you may not necessarily feel like you are at the person’s level professionally, you still have plenty to give. Having a generous spirit does not mean you have to make grand gestures. My editor on this book once worked for a high-power media executive whose iPhone was always getting buried at the bottom of her purse. She showed her how to make it flash when it’s ringing, a feature invented for the deaf and hearing impaired. Her executive was thrilled. It is often the little things that mean the most. A heartfelt thank-you for a job well done or an act of kindness—making someone feel extra-appreciated is in itself a gift. Here are some ideas for Connectors to infuse value in generous acts.

  How to Make an Introduction

  One of the most common acts of a Connector is simply to connect other people. It is the fundamental way Connectors apply their generous spirit. Sounds simple, but making an introduction like a Connector is nuanced. Before offering the introduction, Connectors consider what’s in it for both parties. There is a reason a Connector thought to connect two people and they share that reason.

  In the communication, explain to both sides why they’d be interested, indicating the potential value for both sides. Sometimes the value isn’t clear, yet I think two people should meet. If you have that situation, make the introduction. Simply state, “I don’t know exactly what you guys will talk about it, but I think you might really like to connect.” As a Connector, people trust your connections, you have credibility. Someone seeking to embrace a Connector mindset will be open to meeting someone new without knowing exactly why. In addition to the reason why to connect, include information about each person in the introduction. I may include how I know them, a link to their online profile or website, or a topic to kick off the conversation. The goal is to make it easy for the two parties to get a sense of one another right away.

  Certain situations require a tweak to the introduction process. For example, when the people are not necessarily going to receive similar value from the connection. When my friend introduced me to my future mentor, the CEO, she asked his permission first. That was exactly the right approach. You don’t want to make an introduction that puts someone in the position of having to respond because of their relationship with you. Connectors do favors for Connectors because that’s how they roll. Be honest about why you are making the intro and manage their expectations for results. Don’t oversell it; if they are doing you a favor, let them know you view it that way too. Second, you don’t want to extend your reputation to someone who you don’t know well enough. Make the introduction, but be clear on the level of connection you have with them.

  Sometimes both aspects exist. Recently I met another author, Priya, who was producing a conference and looking for speakers. Immediately, I thought of Holly, a Broadway producer who I thought would be ideal for the conference. I wasn’t sure if Holly would be interested: she is not a professional speaker, and I didn’t know Priya well. I asked Priya to send me more info about it and then forwarded it to Holly asking if she was interested. She was, and I put them in touch. If they don’t circle back, I’ll reach out and ask if anything came of it. Even if they don’t close the loop, you can. It’s an excuse to follow up and further build those connections.

  How to Amplify Impact

  A generous spirit seeks to amplify the impact of the great things others are doing. Amplification can be through sharing their message on social media, by retelling the story of their efforts, by enlisting others to join their cause, or by paying their generosity forward to someone else. I first told you about Amy in chapter 10 of The 11 Laws of Likability. When I was a wannabe entrepreneur, Amy, an established woman in business, was so generous with her time and advice. She actually gave me the courage to, as she put it, “hang out my shingle and say ‘open for business!’” Although eventually, I was able to reciprocate some of the value she created for me, there were many years when I couldn’t. Instead, I amplified her generosity by paying it forward and giving my time to up-and-coming entrepreneurs.

  I was telling this story during a speech at a local university and said, “I’ve now sat with over 100 people.” Someone in the audience called out, “I’m one of them!” I squinted to see who it was, smiled, and waved at Donovan. Then I heard a woman’s voice near him say, “Me too!” It became a cacophony throughout the room with about half the hands going up and saying, “Me too!” I was in tears and could only think to say, “I guess I need to change my number!” My best guess now is that I’ve probably spoken with more than 500 people as they started their business, and the number grows. That’s what I mean by exponential impact. Amy had no idea how her generosity of spirit would inevitably impact so many people, but it did.

  In 2015, I created a positive sharing campaign with my kids by posting a “#365LivingGiving” video on YouTube. 2 My goal was to amplify more messages about acts of kindness and the good in the world. I wanted my kids to hear a more balanced message than the horrors of the daily news. Darrah Brustein, founder of Network Under 40 (Darrah.co), started the #GiveItForward challenge, offering to help one person a day to get closer to their goals, dreams, or needs with no strings attached. I loved her passionate plea: “No matter how much money is in your bank account or how much free time you have, we all have the capacity to help someone else. And in that process, we inevitably become happier and more successful ourselves.” Within 24 hours, more than 300 people from all over the world joined in and began to share the beautiful stories of what unfolded when they asked the simple question, “How can I help you today?”

  Amplification is about the other person and can simply be highlighting the impact someone’s work, words, or actions had on those around them. Who or what do you want to amplify?

  How to Add Value at the Office

  In the corporate world, being generous often means trying to add value to another’s work, even before they ask you. Generosity is a mindset of initiating, and it’s even more important as you rise up the ladder, because you have more ability and value to give. In the work environment, generosity is sometimes feared. You may worry if you give credit to others, your accomplishments will be minimized. Maybe you fear that you will be taken advantage of. I am not so naive as to think those things couldn’t happen; there are risks. If you have clarity on your goals and are conscientious about what you say yes to, you minimize those risks. Relationships will get you further than fear.

  I told you about my husband Michael’s evolution to Acting Connector in chapter 3. When he was at the Responsive Connector level, waiting for people to ask for something, I questioned, “Why make them ask? Asking is hard. Can you come up with an idea and then offer it? You have so much to give.” Information, invitations, introductions, admirati
on, advice, appreciation, recognition, credit, and a simple thanks are all accessible ways to add value. Everyone has a desire to give back; it’s about going from desire to action and recognizing you have value to add.

  It doesn’t matter where you are in the hierarchy of life—you may think you’re paying it forward, but that person you helped may leapfrog you and pull you up along with them. With a generous philosophy, we all climb.

  Set Boundaries

  Adopting a generous mindset can be tricky. There is a balance between being giving and being taken advantage of, or giving to the detriment of yourself or loved ones. When Marshall Goldsmith gives away his coaching processes and resources for free, he exudes the mindset of the generous spirit and comes from a place of total abundance. Marshall can do that at this point in his life. That is not realistic or wise for everyone. You don’t have to give away the farm to embrace a generous spirit. Boundaries are necessary to enable you to maintain the mindset. Refer back to the last chapter and get comfortable with how to say yes and when to say no.

  The truth is, it is possible to be too generous, a trap that catches women more often than men. Elisa Camahort Page, cofounder of BlogHer, and author of Road Map for Revolutionaries: Resistance, Activism, and Advocacy for All (ElisaCP.com), points out that there is a difference between having a generous spirit and being a doormat, and the difference is the boundaries you set. You can learn more about and from Elisa in the sidebar. She and I have faced some similar struggles balancing our desire to give with giving until it hurts. It happens in all industries: the doctor who is asked to “take a quick look” while at a dinner party; the accountant’s answer about a tax loophole; the financial advisor’s favorite stock; the recruiter who gets résumés from every friend of a friend for feedback; the real estate agent’s opinion on your home’s value.

  When you are in a career where your product is your expertise, it is sometimes hard to differentiate for the person asking and for you to set boundaries. I don’t want to discourage people from asking; rather, I want to encourage you to determine your limits. Remember the definition of a generous spirit is to not feel resentful of the act of giving; when you do, perhaps that is an indication of where you need to set your boundary.

  This mindset comes with pitfalls which is why boundaries are important. Keep in mind these possible drawbacks when adopting a generous mindset.

  Giving Something Unwanted. Sometimes a Connector is so eager to help, they may help in a way that is unhelpful. As you have likely experienced in your relationships, sometimes a person just wants to be listened to and understood. They don’t want you to “fix it” for them. Ask them if they want an ear or an assist; get direction from them on their needs in the moment. If it is information or an introduction, check their interest in it before you act. When you give something unwanted, you may make the person feel obligated or annoyed and put the relationship at risk.

  Spreading Yourself Too Thin. There is advice throughout the book on how to manage time, when to say no, and how to say yes. Don’t deplete yourself along the way. A competent Connector knows when they need to pull back.

  Being Taken Advantage Of. Others can often see this better than the Connector in the moment. Not everyone has the shared mindset and approach. People can take advantage of your generosity. Decide what you will be comfortable with giving regardless of the permanence of the relationship.

  Something for Nothing Is Never Really Nothing

  I asked Elisa to explain the difference between having a generous spirit and being burdened by inappropriate asks. She shares, “I’ve seen the cycle many times. Someone new to an industry, business, or career leaps at any opportunity, including opportunities that leverage their skills, but pay badly, or even pay only in ‘exposure’ or an ‘expanded network’ or some other non–revenue-generating value. At some point, exposure and networking are not enough ROI and mantras about ‘Know your worth’ and ‘I can’t pay my rent with exposure’ fill your head.”

  We both believe in owning your expertise, knowing its value, and asking for what you deserve. At the same time, Elisa believes, “Operating with a generous spirit, believing in giving back and the possibility of abundance, and knowing when to give without expectation of immediate return is in the toolkit of every exceptional leader.” So how do you make the call?

  For me, I created a decision tree to test the situation against a set of criteria. I also created a limit to the number of events in a given timeframe. It helped me be more objective about requests rather than acting on my desire to give every time. Elisa articulates her boundaries when responding to requests to leverage her expertise by saying, “I consult on this very topic, but I am always happy to spend an hour with any friend or friend of a friend gratis... Let’s set up a call.”

  In our conversation, it was clear that Elisa champions one of the main tenets of relationship networking: it’s not about me. Her definition of the purpose of networking is “to connect two or more parties for their mutual benefit, with the understanding that you may not be one of the parties, and the benefit may not occur now.” Elisa doesn’t approach generosity as a transaction. She embraces that the return doesn’t always have to be for her. She recognizes that “not every person I can help will always be able to help me, perhaps ever.” But she is firm in her knowledge that being known as someone who builds, sustains, and supports productive relationships will always help her. In the end, Elisa decides when to donate her time and energy. She puts it perfectly: “Only I can decide if it’s worth it.” Doing something for nothing is never really for nothing.

  Be Generous with Yourself

  A generous spirit is not about putting others before yourself. You need to be generous with yourself as well. You know the things you need to do take good care of you, whether it’s time on the treadmill or even a nap before a big meeting. People who are great at this mindset actually slot the time in their calendar to do them (even if it means asking others to pick up a little slack). I never took care of myself—no gym, no relaxation, nothing—until only a few years ago, and then I realized I needed to make those things fit into my crazy schedule. Boundaries helped and enabled me to reprioritize. That meant I may have spoken with a few less people or had people wait longer to connect, and I had to remind myself that was okay.

  I have to acknowledge the constant internal battle that many mothers and some fathers face: the choice between staying at home with the kids and working. No matter which you’ve chosen, you will feel like there’s something missing, or that there is an external judgment of your choice. What I came to realize as a working mom is that I feel happier and more fulfilled having a professional purpose. I’m a good mom, even though I’m not president of the PTA. Being generous with yourself is about knowing your own needs and not feeling guilty about them.

  If you have a Connector mindset, and become aware that someone needs something or someone requests something of you, your inclination is to figure out how to help. Remember sometimes you have to help yourself and just say no.

  When I am talking with someone, I am listening and learning about them. I’m making connections in my brain—finding points of similarity, associations, and common interests. I am listening to learn about them and looking for ways to add value. A Connector gets pleasure from being able to do that. It’s not purely altruistic: there is something in it for the Connector, that something is often intangible satisfaction or goodwill. Connectors know that what they do and give comes back to them and their community. This enables them to make requests and get results without an expectation of immediate reciprocity. With boundaries, anyone can adopt a generous spirit.

  Refresh Your Memory

  Adopt a generous spirit. Engage with others with an open heart and without judgment. Be tolerant of different beliefs, values, and behaviors. Assume positive intent and embrace differences with acceptance. Be happy for others’ good fortune. Don’t allow understandable moments of jealousy
to drive your words or actions.

  Add value. You have plenty to give and can help in a multitude of ways. You do not have to make grand gestures. Information, invitations, introductions, admiration, advice, appreciation, recognition, credit or a simple thanks are all accessible ways to add value.

  Amplify the impact of the great things others are doing. Give credit, share their story, enlist others, or simply pay it forward.

  Set boundaries. There is a balance between being giving and being taken advantage of, or giving to the detriment of yourself or your loved ones. Remember, sometimes you have to help yourself and just say no.

  Be generous with yourself. You know the things you need to do to take good care of you. Slot the time into your calendar to do them.

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  Diversify: Expand the Way You Connect

  The most successful people are often the most connected. Part of being connected is building a network that crosses interests, industry, hierarchy, ethnicity, age, geography, and more. Diverse teams and organizations make better decisions. Diverse networks give you access to different viewpoints, access to information, and extended connections. In this section, I delve into how to expand the way you connect from the types of people you connect with to the communication channels and technology tools you use.

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