Have Wroom Will Travel

by Jim Conder

  “Pervert,”

  He smiled and raised her foot up a bit, and bent foreward, kissing the top of her foot up near the ankle.

  “Stop that Mr. taft,”

  In stead he kissed his way down her foot to her toes. Then he began to gently kiss each toe seperately.

  “Mmmmm-I mean I don’t like this Mr taft, not one- Ooooh yeah, that feels so, -disgusting, you are a - Mmmmmm yes, - Youre a disgusting pervert Mr. Taft- oh do that one again- Not that I’m enjoying this, not at all. it’s lewd and disgustuing, Oooh mmmmm,you’re tongue tickles -You pervert.”

  He lifted his face and let go of her ankle. She lowered her leg and he started to stand.

  “Wait a minute!”

  He sat back down and looked at her.

  “Yes?”

  “I have another foot you know!”

  Outside Maggie had finally managed to summon the lake monster. It had a long snake-like head and neck and a body like a large grey wet hill, swimming on large diamond shaped flippers. It circled in the water just off shore.

  This bony young witch confused it.

  Normally when summoned by witchs or wizards their were strange and occult reasons for it. Exactly what these reasons were reamain shrouded in mystrey and the beast didn’t talk.

  This one just wanted it to play fetch . Also she tried to teach it to roll over.

  Well. as monsters went, the lake beast was rather adaptable, and frankly this was a nice change of pace.

  “Ouch! Dammit!.” Vlad cursed and rubbed his wounded shin. The second biggest drawback to being a Dark wizard, had to be the need for dramatic lighting. Brightly lit passages and sunny rooms tended not to be conducive for plans to takeover and or destroy the world. Wandering around with a torch provided much more interesting shadows, but not nearly enough illumination. All Vlad could do was hope no one had seen him trip over the ottoman.

  “You ok boss?”asked Grog, standing just off to one side with Glod, neither aware of their hope dashing abilities.”That had to smart.”

  Still Vlad recovered nicely. “You fools did I not …er, did I not command that all ottomans were to be destroyed?” he improvised imperiously. “Er…”said Grog, then he turned furiously on Glod “I thought I told you to smash all them ottomens!” “You did?” asked Glod, his brow wrinkling in confusion. “Yeah!” “When?” “um… .yesterday, Now do it!” “OK,”Glod said.”Er, what’s an ottoman?” “What’s an ottoman! what’s an ottoman !”Grog said. “That’s what I asked you,” “You’re stupid, y’know that?”Grog said. He turned towards

  Vlad.”Hey boss, what’s an ottoman?” “That is an ottoman, you insipid cretin!” yelled Vlad, pointing at the object which had recently offended his shin.

  “Right,”said Grog.He looked at Glod. “That footstool looking thingy, you … .you…”Grog’s eyes darted briefly towards Vlad then back to Glod, “you inspired creation!”

  Vlad squeezed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger and limped out of the room, muttering to himeself. Glod looked meaningfully at Grog.

  “Why have we always got to take stuff off of him,” he asked.

  “Yeah,”Grog said,”I gotta admit, I’m getting a little tired of him always bossing us around.” “Yeah how come he gets to be the boss,”Glod asked, “what makes him so special?”

  “Yeah that’s what I wanna know!”

  “You why don’t you go ask him?”

  “Yeah why don’t I;…”Grog stopped,”Why me?”

  “You’re the one that wants to know,” Glod said.

  “Oh right,” Grog stomped out of the room after Vlad. He found him in the study, standing near a large fire place. Grog approached cautiously.

  “er, um hey Boss?”

  Vlad slowly turned to stare at him.

  “Yes?”

  “Um, er, me and Glod, well more Glod really, we was wondering how come , well you know, how come you get to be boss?”

  Vlad gave a deep and long sigh. The sigh of man wondering why he kept these two employees on, despite the fact that the flying monkeys worked so much better.

  “Inteeligence Grog, Intelligene.”

  “Oh, yeah, inteeligence right.” Grog turned to leave the room, then stopped. “Er, what’s intelligence boss?”

  Vlad sighed once more then, picked up the fireplace poker. He handed it to Grog. Then Vlad placed his hand in front Grog’s face.

  “When I tell you to, I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can,” Vlad explained.”Now!”

  Vlad pulled his hand away as Grog brought the poker up squrely re-breaking a nose which had been broken many times before, often as a result of similar conversations.

  “Ow,”Grog said, holding his bloody nose.

  “That’s intelligence Grog,” Vlad said, before turning back towards the fire. Grog nodded and went bacl to Glod.

  “What did he say?” Glod asked.”How come he gets to be boss?”

  “Intelligence,”Grog said with a wince.

  “What’s that?”

  “Take this, “Grog said, handing Glod the fireplace poker. Glod took it and looked at it.

  Grog slowly put his hand in front of his own face.

  “When I tell you to hit my hand,” He said.”Now!”

  On the fourth attempt, Grog finally remembered to remove his hand.

  After the lake beast had retired for the night Maggie walked along the shoreline back towards the inn. She saw Damien sitting beside the lake, staring out at the stars reflecting on the water.

  “Is something the matter, Mr. Taft?”

  “What?”He looked at her and smiled.”Oh hi Maggie, just thinking about my family.”

  “What about them?”she asked, sitting down beside him.

  “Oh, just thinking about dysfunctional we were.”

  “How what?”

  “Dysfunctional, it means we had a lot of family problems.”

  “Oh, I know about family problems,” she said, looking up at the stars.”There were my parents, forty seven kids, and I can’t even remeber how many nieces and nephews, and only one, single seater outhouse.”

  “Sounds serious,”

  “Yeah especially with a high bran diet,” Maggie looked at him. “Is it because of you becoming a witch?”

  “My father doesn’t actually know about that yet, we havn’t seen each other in fifteen years, “Damien told her, “But, yes, when he finds out he won’t be to happy.”

  “My parents weren’t to crazy about it either,” Maggie said,”They got all upset when Grandma Hadrass came down from Ghast and picked me out.”

  “You’re not from Ghast originally?”

  “No sir, I’m from Lyn.”

  “Lyn? Hmmmm, was the village named after your family?”

  “The village is my family.” she corrected. “But my whole family got really upset with me when I told themn I wanted to up to Ghast with her and learn to be a witch. They haven’t been so upset since my brother Bruce wanted to marry my cousin Liz.”

  ““Oh, well yeah I can see where that could cause problems,”

  “Yeah, my parents were like ‘What’s the matter, none of your sisters are good enough for you?’”

  “Er, um, so, “Damien said, shifting uncomfortably,”Your parents didn’t want you to become a witch. Why?”

  ““Well, I was the first child to leave home,” she said.

  “The first? Aren’t you the baby of the family?”

  “Yes, I think that might have made it worse, plus my brother Joe had a crush on me.” Maggie looked at him.”But y’know Mr Taft, I mean family is important and all, and they make up what you are, but I got to thinking that I had whole life ahead of me and whatever I became, well that was up to me.”

  “You’re a smart girl Maggie,”Damien said, playfully tousling her hair. “But I think you need to get up to bed, we have an early start tommorow.”

  “You’re probably right,”Maggie said, standing and brushing herself off.

  “Oh and M
aggie?”

  “Yes, Mr.Taft?”

  “Thanks,”he said.”Talking about your family put my problems in perspective.”

  She smiled and walked up to the inn. Damien looked back out at the stars on the water.

  “I thought being abandoned and left for dead was bad,” he said after she’d gotten out of ear shot. “why didn’t they just put in another outhouse?”

  The crowd roared as the matador strode into the ring, red cape draped ceremoniously over his arm. He gave a gracious bow as roses poured down from beautiful young ladies. He looked towards the large door at the edge of the ring and gave a self confident sneer, much to the delight of the crowd.

  Then a hush fell over the crowd. Every face turned towards the massive doors as they slowly opened. The combination of fear and awe caused everyone to hold their breath. The matador looked calmly into the face of possible death.

  The doors finished their slow swing, and the beast thundered… well, technically it more or less pattered. Hamsters as a rule do not thunder. Muscles stretched taut upon it’s massive, …er well big by hamster standards, …er well decent sized by hamster…look it was two inches of sheer animal might, ok?. Blood lust gleamed in it’s tiny eyes as it scurried towards the awaiting matador.

  The matador waved his red cape which angered the beast. It roar…squeaked with unholy anger. Man and beast circled each warily.

  Without warning the hamster struck. It leapt foreward and nipped the matador on the ankle. He howled in anguish and fell to the ground clutching his wounded limb. The crowd screamed in horror and looked away from the grisley sight below. Men rushed into the ring to try and herd the snarling beast back to it’s pen, while doctors carried the unfortunate matador out on a strstcher.

  “Well um, that was …different ,”Susan said. Damien shrugged.

  “They used to use bulls,”he explained,”but eventually insurance costs got to high.”

  They left the arena and stepped out into the streets of Pampasloner, A hot dusty and crowded city, with small stand along the street selling paper mache donkeys. Like OyKot there were an abundance of curved tiles on the roofs, although all of these were made of baked red clay. The buildings were made of white mud and didn’t seem so much made as carved. Everyone wore loose white clothing and really large hats with extremely wide brims. For some reason many of them felt the need to drape colorful blankets across their shoulders.

  Damien lead Susan and Maggie to a amall cafe. He ordered food and beer with lime in it for them.when it came Maggie looked suspiciously at the green pile on top of her food.

  “What’s that stuff?”

  “It’s called guacamole, try it, it’s made with avacados.”

  Maggie cautiosly dipped an fried corn chip in it and tasted it.

  “Hey this is pretty good,” she said, dipping another chip, Susan picked up a chip and tried some.

  “Hmmm, interesting,”Susan said,”How’s it made?”

  “Somebody eats an avacado, let’s it pass through his system and there you go,” Damien explained, then smiled at two perfect and simultaneous spit takes.

  “Just kidding.”

  Maggie threw a chip st him and took a long drink of beer. Mistress Crone had not approved, but Damien explained that anyone who drank the water would spend a longtime in the outhouse making guacamole. Besides they put squeezed a slice of lime into it, and lime was a fruit, so the whole thing was practically healthy.

  Damien took a sip of his own beer, then put it down, staring across the cafe. A sultry beauty with raven black hair and dark eyes blew him a kiss and gave him a wink. She walked towards the door and slowly motioned with one erotic finger for him to follow her.. He frowned and his eyes narrowed slightly.

  “Is something the matter?”Susan asked.

  “Hmm, oh er nothing,”he said standing.”Listen I need to check on something, you two wait here a moment.”

  He moved across the cafe, following the dark beauty out of the door and into an alley way. She stepped out of the shadows, wrapped her arms around him and gave him a passionate kiss.

  Maggie stood up and looked around. Beer made it’s way through the system quickly.

  “Mistress crone, do you know where the toilet is?”

  “I think it’s out back,” Susan said, in between bites of fajita. Maggie nodded and went to find it. She stepped into the back alley, but her full bladder became a memory when she saw Mr. Taft in the arms of a strange woman and they were kissing.

  Shock and horror overcame Maggie and she did the only thing she could think of. She crept in closer to eavesdrop.

  Maggie crouched behind a large trash can, and to her relief saw Damien push the woman away.

  “Is something wrong senor” The woman asked, fluttering her long black eyelashes. He simply crossed his arms and looked at her.

  “Nothing wrong at all,”he said,”Except of course the fact that you’re here Malventia.”

  “Who? I don’t …oh hell with it, what’s the matter Damien, sultry siren not to you’re liking? How about this?” Malventia said with a smile.

  Maggie watched as the woman’s skin lightened slightly and her hair changed from deep black to golden blond. Malventia closed her eyes and compressed coal black into diamond blue. She looked exactly as Maggie wanted to look someday, a flawless beauty. The sort that would have made one of Maggie’s brothers seriously consider marrying outside the family.

  “How about this instead?” she asked

  Damien seemed unimpressed. He leaned against the wall,frowned and shook his head. Malventia raised an eyebrow, then changed again. Her hair turned black again, and her skin became golden. Her eyes turned dark brown and became almond shaped, like the Oykotians.

  Damien still failed to give a response. She changed again, her hair shortening and become curly, her skin darkening to the color of dark chocolate, a perfect Nubian queen.

  “I can be anything you want, Damien,”

  “Good, then you can be gone,” he answered. Malventia skin paled again, her hair a rich brown and her eyes widened and went back to blue. The perfect girl next door. assuming you lived next to a whorehouse, Maggie could imagine Susan saying.

  “You used to always want me, I couldn’t keep you away,” se said, pouting.

  “I was fifteen, your only competition was my right hand,”

  “Come away with me Damien,”she said. She indicated his clothing,”You look like a witch, this isn’t the Damien Draco I knew and loved.”

  “Damien Draco died fifteen years ago,:”

  “Your father misses you,”Malventia said, then gave a sexy little wriggle,”I miss you to, Damien.”

  “So you are working with my father?”

  “Oh sort of, he has a little something going down in Lander, “she said,”Though he’s going crazy wondering what you’re up to..”

  She leaned in close and began to lick his ear.

  “What is it you’re up to Damien,”

  He pushed her away,and turned to leave.She stepped back in shock and anger.

  “You’re…you’re rejecting me!” She said, her eyes beginning to glow a fiery red,”I am the Temptress, I am the succubus, NO MAN REJECTS ME!”

  “Hey sorry, It’s not you it’s me, ok, I’ve gone through some changes, “ He said.

  “Better men than you have fallen prey to me!”

  “I just think we should keep it as just friends…well maybe not exactly friends as such,”

  Malventia began to change again, this time her skin darkening to deep reds and black, like coals in a fire Horns sprang from her forehead and curled like a rams, her delicate fingernails became horrible claws. Her ears stretched into points.

  “Well theres no reason to get upset,”Damien said, unaffected.”I’m sure you’ll find someone else. Someday”

  He took a step back, just narrowly avoiding a swipe from her clawed hand.

  “Although, you really need to control you’re temper. I mean I like my women as fiesty as the nex
t guy, but this is a little much.”

  “You fool!, I’ll have you! I’ll take you if I have to!”she said, small flames punctuating her sentences.

  “Then you lose,”Damien said.”If you have to take it you lose.”

  Malventia paused, then shifted back to the blue-eyed, big breasted blond mode. She smile as sweetly as she could at Damien.

  “Please Damien?” she sai, her long lashes fluttering again.

  “No,”he said, “I know what you are, and I have other interests now.”

  “You’ve not seen the last of me Damien Draco!”Malventia said. Maggie saw a circle of flame open in the air. Malventia stepped through it and vanished. The circle closed into nothingness behind her.

  “Damn,” Damien swore. A trash can hit the gound, nd he spun around to see Maggie crwling around behind it.

  “Oh yuck! she said,”what am I sitting in? Oh guacamole.”

  “Er, not exactly,”Damien said,”How much of that did you hear?”

  “Um, everything?” she said”What’s going on Mr. Taft?”

  Damien sighed and helped her up.

  “Let’s go get Mistress Crone and the brooms, we’ve got a lot to talk about.”

  “He rejected you? How?”Vlad said, his face reflecting his shock. Malventia had never failed before. Men were notoriously easy to seduce. She pace angrily in front of him, burning holes in the carpet with each footstep.

  “I don’t know how!, All men desire me and…” she paused. Not all men desired her. There were of course cerain types who had other preferences.She smiled ‘Of course, that must be it. I’d have never suspected it of him. He doesn’t really seem the type. Also explains his litle ‘I’m a witch bit.’ “

  “What type?”

  “Well Vlad, I hate to be the one to tell you but, I think you’d have been better off getting an incubus for this job.

  “One of those things they use to hatch eggs?” Vlad said, his brow furrowing. Malventia sighed.

  “I am a succubus, a female demon designed for sexual temptation,an incubus is the male version of me”

  “Oh,” He replied,”Why would I have neede one of those”

  “Well Darling I think Damien must be a bit,” Malventia held up one arm, letting her hand dangle limply at the wrist.