Have Wroom Will Travel

by Jim Conder

  “What are you talking about?

  “Oh you know,”she said. letting her hand bounce limply on the end of her arm.

  “You mean…”

  “Mmm-hmm”

  “I, I never suspected,”Vlad said,his voice shaking.”I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with it, or any thing.” “There are priests in some religions that would disagree with you,”Malventia sadi with a shrug. Vlad gave her an odd look

  “There are are religions that have a problem with it?”

  “Oh yes, of course,”

  “But it’s not as if it can be helped!”

  “That’s amazingly tolerant of you,”Said Malvantia in surprise.

  “Although I suppose he could have avoided repetative motion, I hear that causes it,”

  “It does?!”

  “So they tell me,” Vlad shook his head.”I just can’t believe it.”

  “Well I’m afraid it must be true,”

  “My son is suffering from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.”

  “Carpal…”Malvantia looked at him carefully “You really need to get out more.”

  Just outside the room, Glod stood eavesdropping. Grog walked up and tapped him angrily on the shoulder.

  “Whaddya think you’re doing?”

  “Malventia’s in there,”Glod explained.”She tried to seduce Damien and he told her to take a hike.”

  Grog looked in at the barely clad form of the succubus.

  “He turned that down?” he asked. Glod nodded. “Wonder why?”

  “Well right now, Malventia’s sayin,hold on a second,” Glod turned to hear more. He turned back with his brow furrowe.”She’s blaming it on him working in packaging department of a candy factory.”

  “Huh?” Grog said.”what kind of candy?”

  “Fudge she said,”

  “Peanut butter, or chocolate.”

  “She didn’t say.”

  “I’m never eating fudge again,”Grog said.

  “I’m saying he plays for the other team!”Malventia said,trying not to shout.

  “We Draco’s have never been much for sports,”Vlad said, “We’re loners to the core.”

  Malventia groaned and rubbed her temples.

  “Gay! Gay!, I’m saying he’s gay!” maventia shouted.”Do you understand GAY!”

  “Of course I do,”Vlad said,”What kind of fool do you think I am?”

  “Good!”

  “I just don’t understand why he would have turned you down simply because he was in a good mood.”

  Malven rubbed her temples, she could feel the migraine starting. She gave Vlad a look of strained patience.

  “Damien got his brains from his mother didn’t he?”

  Chapter 8

  The Parting

  Telling the truth can be dangerous business, honesty and popularity don’t go hand in hand. Damien sighed as he prepared for a major setback in his relationship with Susan. They’d come to a large field halfway between home and Lander, where he decided to come clean.He had known this moment would eventually come, but he tried to put it off as long as possible. At least there were no trombones within one hundred miles, he’d made sure of that.

  “You are who?” Susan demanded, her eyes flashing with stone cold fury.

  “I am Damien Taft,” Damien said,”I used to be Damien Draco, the only son of Vlad Draco, current Lord of the House of Draco.”

  “A family known for it’s Dark Wizards, “ Susan said,”Evil power mad fiends. And we’ve been travelling with one!”

  “I am not…”

  “I cannot believe I trusted you!”

  “You did? When exactly was this?”

  Come along Maggie,” Susan said spinning on her heels and grabbing her broom.”We are going home!”

  “Good idea,”Damien said,”I’ve made you a mp . .

  “Hah!”Susan said, she spun and had her finger up in his face faster than he could think.”First of all do you honestly think that I would trust a map from such a foul fiend as yourself, a beast from the House of Draco. Secondly I don’t need a map thank you very much. A true witch never gets lost.”

  “Follow me Maggie!” Susan said,launching herself into the air.

  Maggie grabbed her own broom and looked sadly at Damien.

  “I’ll miss you Mr. Taft,” she said.

  “I’ll miss you to Maggie,” he said, smiling sadly.

  “Er, um Mr. Taft . .?”

  “Heres the map Maggie,”

  “Thank-you sir,”

  Unfortunately for Susan, it didn’t take long for the entire rest of the world to get lost. Efforts get it straight again were complicated by the apparent fact that her allergies were acting, which was the reason her eyes were watering thank you very much. Of course she’d known from day one that Damien couldn’t be trusted, she’d only gone along to find ot what he’d been up to. Yes, Only that, it wasn’t like she’d let some smooth talking handsome man get to her. No, not at all, she wasn’t some weepy little girl pining for Prince Charming, or anything.

  No she knew how to guard herself. Damien could never get to her, no sir. Not that she had even given him much thought since leaving, hardly a thought at all. He was practically forgotton. In fact she was quite sure she couldn’t remember who she’d not been thinking about.

  “Mistress Crone?” Maggie asked flying up alongside her.”can we stop so I…”

  “No I don’t!”

  “Don’t what?”

  “I don’t miss him and I was not at all falling for him, so just drop it !”

  “Er, ok, but I really need to. . “

  “Oh I know what you’re thinking, Mistress Crone is simply afraid to admit to her feelings,”

  “Well, maybe but you see those fajita things I ate… ‘

  “She won’t admit what she wants, thats why she turned tail and ran at the first excuse she got, that’s what you’re thinkin isn’t it?”

  “Actually, I’m thinking. maybe six helpings of refried beans was a bit much…”

  “Well you’re wrong, I am very much aware of my feelings, I just didn’t like him that much,”

  “That’s good, but after all those baskets of tortilla chips I really really should…” “Oh sure he was handsome enough I suppose but the truly evil always are.” “Yeah ok but those chimichangas I had …” “Sure he had a certain charm, but only a fool falls for that.” “Mistress Crone those burrito thingies aren’t…” “Sure he had that special way of looking at me, but I am far to practical for things like that.” “And you see all that hot sauce…” “Of he could make me feel… .special, but really Maggie a woman needs more than that.” “The guacamole is sitting ok, but I think that the flautas are …” “OK OK so maybe I liked him a bit, but not much,” “Yeas well it’s just that those tostadas…” “Oh fine I suppose you just want to rush to Lander to help him don’t you?” “Well what I really …” “OK Fine! Have it your way. We’ll go there and then you can see what kind of scum he really is!” Susan angrily turned her broom on a dime and headed in the opposite direction.

  “Mistress Crone!” Maggie cried out.

  “What now?”

  A sound, similar to the love child of a sick goose and a machine gun echoed through the air.Susan stopped and sniffed

  “Oh! what is that smell?”She asked.

  “Uh, that would be me,” said Maggie, her face turning bright red.

  “Honestly Maggie, we could have srtopped, why didn’t you just say something?”

  Magic abhors a lack of drama. This is why even a simple spell for transforming a member of the squash family into something more suitable for travel, has to have a least a little trail of sparkly things. This also explains meaningless puffs of smoke when trying to turn a tiger into a woman in spangly tights, or why such a big deal is made of successfully guessing which card has been picked from the deck. The bigger the spell, the bigger the effect on the enviroment around it. This is why Lander, which had once been an active city teeming with peopl
e now sat dark and forbidding on the shore of a great lake of bubbling green ooze. Strange vines had grown, strangling the buildigs, including the royal castle which sat in the center of town. Any spell with these sorts of consequences would also use up all the magic in the immediate vicinity.

  “Kudzu,” Damien said. These strange vines always grew when magic left. In fact some had suggested they actually killed magic themselves, much as they pulled down tree, and any foundationally weak buildings. Damien felt Widowmaker begin to sputter as it came closer to Lander and the magic began to weaken.

  “C’mon girl,” he said, shifting into neutral and trying to restart. Widowmaker sputtered bck to life, and Damien decided to fly her lower. The magic had disappeared, he could feel it like a gnawing empty hunger. “Dammit, Pop what have you done this time.”

  The power steering and power brakes went out, signs that Widowmaker had cut off again. He jerked up on the stick, but Widowmaker, began a rapid spiraling descent towars the ground. It occured to Damien that he hadn’t gotten himself quite low enough. The ground came towards him at a dizzying speed. He wondered if he’d actually die right away or lie bleeding for a while.

  He heard them, and smelt them a few moments before they laid their furry hands on him and lifted him off the falling broom. Widowmaker continued on and he saw it hit the ground and explode in a fiery crash.

  He looked at his rescuer/captors.

  “He’s using you guys now?”

  Maggie saw the explosion off in the distance, as she and Susan headed towards Lander. Her broom didn’t seem to be acting right, and she patted it reassuringly. Then she saw them, flying in towards them on batlike wings.

  “What are those?”

  “What?”Susan said, “Oh hell turn around. Quick.”

  Both brooms executed hairpin turns, but another group had come up behind them. The flying monkeys screamed as they closed in on the witches. Leathery wings stirred the still night air, as the airborne primates circled closer. They wore a light leather armor and had swords and crossbows, plus they were monkeys and monkeys have their own special weapons.

  “Mallafocanium…uck, ptui, ptui,”Susan spat repaetedly, having taken a direct hit in the mouth. “Yuck they’re throwing poop at us!”

  Susan tried again, but her wand gave a sad little sputter. She could fel her broom dying out beneath her. A monkey flew screaming towards her… then spun out of control as one of it’s wings fell towards the ground. Maggie flew behind it brandishing a ninja sword.

  “Maggie fly low, the magic’s gone,”Susan called out. Maggie sheathed the sword and griiped her dying broom with both hands. She flew in low and much to fast, crashing through the tree top going much to fast for a good landing. She saw the monkeys close in on Mistress Crone. Susan gripped her broom tightly, and when the monkeys grabbed her, she began to swing it like a club, taking out two of them. Maggie couldn’t watch long as her own predicament took up most of her concentration. Then Maggie’s forehead met a large tree branch and she and her broom crashed to the ground, landing in a heap among some very strange herbs.

  “Good evening Damien,”Vlad said with a smile as his son entered the study. He signaled for Grog, Glod, Malventia and the monkeys to leave the room. “Been keeping yourself well I see.”

  Damien looked at his father, knowing all to well that they were almost mirror images of each other. The same anular features, same goatee. Same long hair in a braid. Add twenty years to Damien, change the black hair to grey and you’d have Vlad Draco. They both looked damn good in black. Then Damien noticed the medallion, and the way his father kept messing around with it absent-mindedly.

  “You know a decent gardener might be able to do something about all those weeds,” Damien said, indicating the abundance of vines growing outside the window. Vlad waved his hand dismissively.

  “Damn Kudzu, side effect of the spell. I’m afraid.” He indicated a large tome sitting on the table. “The Diabolica Faux Brandismentia, the lost book of the sorceror Tunish. In two hours the planets shall align, and we will enter into the age of Glunis, do you know what that means?”

  “I’m guessing it allows you tap into some vast unimaginable power,” Damien said with a sigh, “Which of course you plan on using to take over the world, but instead will overpower you and unleash various horrors upon the world.”

  “That doesn’t always happen,” Vlad said looking indignant. “Anyway what are you planning that’s any better?”

  “Nothing,”

  “Oh please Damien, don’t try to outfox you’re father.”Vlad said,”I know you went to Lyrtle.”

  “Yes I was on vaction.”

  “Oh Please! I already know you bought a snowcone,”Vlad gave him a patented Draco all knowing sinister smile.

  “Yes,”Damien replied,”Lots of people do. That’s why they have the stand you know.”

  “Oh, and you expect me to believe you simply ate it,”

  “Yes, I did, It was blue rasberry.”

  “Blue rasberry! You fool! Have you forgotton everything I ever taught you?” Vlad shouted.

  “I like blue rasberry, what’s the problem?”

  “The problem? The problem?” Vlad raged “The problem you simpleton is that in order to do the summoning of the Demon Astrolechgoth,you need a watermelon snowcone! Dammit I don’t need this, I have weak heart you know.”

  “I wasn’t going to do the summ…You can summon a demon with a snowcone?”

  “Yeah, “Vlad said, “They live in the fiery pits of hell, Snowcones, slushies, anything cool will attract them. Even a smoothie for the more health conscious ones.”

  “Huh, live and learn,”Damien said with a shrug.”The point is I wasn’t going to summon any demon.”

  “Why not?”Vlad said, “Summoning demons is a long and respected tradition among dark wizards.”

  “I’m not a dark wizard, dad,” Damien said,”I’m a witch now.”

  “ACK! My heart! Myheart!”Vlad said collapsing in a chair and clutching his chest.”How could you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this?”

  “Well let’s see, you left me to die at the hands of your enemies, while you saved your own butt,”Damien said.

  “That was a charater building experience,”Vlad protested.

  “I made it out, but just barely.” Damien contiued, ignoring the interruption, “Granny Taft found me, nursed me back to health, and got me thinking about wht I wanted to do with my life.

  “What you wanted to do with your life? You are a Draco, and for one thousand generations the Draco’s have…”

  “Failed miserably at all attempts to take over the world,”

  Damien finished for him, “When Granny offered to train me in witchcraft it seemed like the better option.”

  “We don’t always fail, you’re great grandfather Diablo ruled the country of Flan for over ten years!” Vlad said, standing and pointing dramatically.

  “Yes, till the rightful heir showed up and cut his head off,”Damien said,”I’d like to keep mine thank you very much.”

  “Oh, my heart,”Vlad said, placing his hand on his chest,”what are you trying to tell me Damien?”

  “That I think the whole dark wizardry thing is kind of stupid,”Damien replied.

  “ACK! ACK!” Vlad cried, one hand clutched his chest, the other flew straight out to the side. He looked heaven-ward and staggered dramatically. “Tatianna! Tatianna! I’m coming to join you baby!”

  “Mom’s not dead dad,” Damien said folding his arms,”she poisoned you and ran off with that barbarian hero, remeber?”

  “Oh, right,”Vlad regained his composure “Glod, grog!”

  “Take him away,”Vlad said as they entered the room.”Throw him in with that other witch”

  The two henchmen grabbed Damien by his arms to take him away.

  “You’ve ripped your poor fathers heart out, I hope you’re happy,” Vlad called out as they led Damien away.

  “Whoa man, like I think she’s waking up man
,”

  Maggie slowly opened her eyes, trying to focus despite the pain in her head. She became dimly aware of two figures before her. They seemed a bit smaller than a human. Smaller in fact than dwarves or elves. Yet they were too big to be gnomes or fairies. They stood about two feet tall, and both had long unwashed hair, with headbands. Both wore pants of blue denim which flared out like bells at the bottom of the legs and no shoes. The doublets however caught the most attention, they were short sleeved and cotton, and had an eye-clashing myriad of colors, in strange patterns all over.

  “Like welcome back to the world dudette, care for a hit?” One of them proffered a strange smelling cigarette.

  “Er, no thanks.” Maggie looked around, she appeared to be in a room made of wood. At second glance she appeared to be in a room inside a tree. Posters in eye watering color covered the walls, and a doorway to another room had a beaded curtain hanging in front of it.

  “Where am I? Who are you?”

  “You are like in the commune of magic Munchkin folk,man, We’re like the Munchkins, man, I’m like Moonchild, and this is like my old lady Stardust. Y’know man.”

  “Peace,” said Stardust, holding up one hand in a semi-closed fist but with the index and middle fingers extended up to form a v. at first Maggie felt offended, but then she realized the palm faced out not in and the gesture probably didn’t mean what she thought it did.

  “Uh, peace” she said, returning the gesture. They both smile at her in a faintly dazed way. Off in the distance she could have sworn she smelled brownies baking.”I’m Maggie.”

  “We like found you in our garden of magic herbs,man” Moonchild said. He took a drag on the funny cigarrete, and held in the smoke for a bit. He then passed it to Stardust who did the same. “So like we bought you here, man”

  “Yeah, man, you were like moaning about going to Lander,”Sardust said, “Like why would anyone go there now,Man?”

  “Yeah like it used it used to be the happening scene, man”Moonchild said,”Y’now Stardust and me like we used to go in and like sell our magic herbal brownies, man.”

  “Yeah it was like a big munchkin community here, and like it was all like peace and love, and like mellow, you know,”Said Stardust, taking another hit on the cigarette and pasing it to Moonchild.”Then like Vlad Draco took over, and it was all like power and money, and that’s just not our bag man.”