Have Wroom Will Travel

by Jim Conder

  “First of all as far as I’m concerned I am Damien Taft. Damien Draco died fifteen years ago. Second of all, you didn’t want to give me a chance from the very start, even before you found out who I was,”Damien said.”Third, they are crocodiles.”

  “Well it turns out I was right not to trust you wasn’t I,”Susan said,”Alligators!”

  “Yeah, maybe you were!”Damien said,”Crocodiles!”

  “Why didn’t you just sleep with that little tramp shape shifter?” Susan asked.”Alligators.”

  “I’m really not sure,”Damien replied.”Crocodiles!”

  They both folded their arms and stood in silence for a moment. the large unidentified reptiles sat unmoving watching them.

  Wow, thought their tiny reptilian brains, this is far mor interesting than the usuall screaming and panicking.

  “Why isn’t magic working?”asked Susan finally.”alligators.”

  “Some spell my father cast,”Damien answered.”crocodiles!”

  “Hmmph, acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree,”Susan said,”Alligators!”

  “Why are you here any way? I thought you and Maggie went home.”Damien said, “And they are crocodiles!”

  “Well, um, Maggie was worried about you, so I agreed to come,”Susan said,”and I know what an alligator looks like thank you very much.”

  “Where is Maggie anyway?”Damien asked.”And you might know about alligators but you damn sure can’t recognize a crocodile.”

  “Her broom went down outside the city, she hit her head, but it looks like she made it down okay.”Susan said, worry evident in her voice.”At least she won’t be eaten by alligators.”

  “Nor crocodiles,”Damien said. Another trapdoor opened in the ceiling and Vlad Draco came tumbling through it. He hit the ground and sat there moaning for a moment. Damien looked at his fathers leotard, tights and legwarmers. An outfit like that boded evil.

  “Let me guess,:He said,”You did the spell, summuned unimaginable power, and then Malventia betrayed you and seized power for herself.”

  “Good guess,”said Vlad, rubbing the back of his head.

  “Yeah well, I know our family,”Damien said.”Remeber great great grandfather Diablo and Morgantina?”

  “Imprisoned him forever in a block of crystal didn’t she?”Vlad said.

  “Yes and what about Circe?”

  “Ooh, she was a hottie,”Vlad said, smiling at the memory.”Voluptous curves, a tight, hot little…”

  “Uh dad, I’d really rather not think of grandma in those terms,”

  “Oh right, turned father into a pig didn’t she?” Vlad asked”What’s you’re point”

  “Oh just that then men in our family continually make bad choices regarding women,”Damien said, casting a look at Susan. Susan moved forward towards Vlad.

  “You’re Damien father?”

  “Er, yes,”

  “And you stocked this death trap?”

  “Yes,”

  “Fine, Damien says those things are crocodiles, I say that they are alligators,” Susan said, looking Vlad dead in the eye.”What are they?”

  Vlad turned to look at the large reptiles watching them. then he looked back at Susan.

  “They’re hungry,” he said.

  The world began to feel the effects of having it’s magic yanked forcibly from it. Dark clouds began to gather, magic herbs witherd and died.

  Deep beneath the waves, the mermen could feel themselves tranforming, changing painfully into schools of grouper.

  In Oykot, the dragons were to weak to pull the trains. Gorilla-whale transformed into a man in a rubber suit. Charlie’s hemmeroids came back with vengeance.

  Trolls shrank to become mere ugly dolls with bad hair.

  And the kudzu began to grow, hindering the path of several grass skirted natives and putting an indefinate halt to their quest.

  Malventia held the medallion in front of her face. The power surged through it, causing a irregular pulsating glow and it burned like cold flames. She held the source of unimaginable power, all the magic in the world at her command. With this Medallion she could, and would, rule the world. But she had one problem.

  She had no idea what to do first.

  The problem with omnipotence is the constant knowledge that whatever you use it for, it’s a waste of it. Like using a thermonuclear warhead, when a flyswatter would do, no goal you could have, no task you set out to do could possibly be big enough to equal the power you held. Malventia dreamt big, but comppared to the power she held, she couldn’t dream big enough.

  But, even considering all that something else bothered her, something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. She decided to give the medallion a test. She began to concentrate on a simple spell…

  ZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAPPPPPP!

  Before she could finish, or really even begin, a sreak of green light shot forth, changing a nearby bookcase into a large mouth bass. She held out the medallion, like someone discovering the gun was loaded after all. She held in her hands the single most powerful object ever, and she had no idea how to control it.

  She decided to try again, and an ottoman changed to a small bowll of flowers. A moment later a suit of armor in the corner began to tapdance, before dissolving into a puddle of custard. A group of miniature winged elephants, formerly bricks in the fireplace hearth, flew from the room.

  Perhaps, Malventia though after the end table began to sing the blues, just perhaps she should have pumped Vlad for a bit more information before sending him to die.

  Chapter 10

  Unidentified Reptiles

  A group of reptiles, crocodiles or possibly alligators, sat upon the floor, watching with keen interest. They would probably end up eating this group, more or less for the appearence of the thing. But frankly they’d already eaten once today, and being creatures of slow metabolism, weren’t particularly hungry. Not to mention that the young couple in the room were, against all logic, having a romantic spat, and frankly large toothy reptiles like a good soap opera as much as any one else.

  “You know your problem?” Damien asked.

  “Err, folks…”Vlad attempted to interrupt.

  “No but I’m sure you’ll tell me,”Susan answered.

  “You see there are lot of very hungry alligators, or possibly crocodiles all over…”Vlad tried again.

  “You’re so afraid to admit you like me, that you look for any excuse to hate me,”

  “Actually now that I come to think on it, they might be caimans, “ Vlad said, “Seems like someone offered me a good deal on caimans.”

  “Hah! That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!”

  “No wait aren’t caimans the ones with the little skinny mouths?”

  “Oh really? Then how do you explain it?”

  “Maybe these are crocodiles, after all.”

  “Maybe your ego just can’t handle the fact that I don’t find you attactive,” “No, no wait , I think that they are alligators, “Vlad said,”maybe.” “Oh please, back at the castle you were about ready to squirm out of that dress, after a couple of kisses to your toes.” “No wait, I tried to order alligators but they were fresh out so I got crocodiles,… or was it vice versa” “I most certaintly was not. I did not enjoy that little episode one bit.” “No, wait I remember, I tried to order crocodiles, but they had a special on alligators<“ “Then why did yoiu keep asking me to do it again?” “Or maybe a special on crocodiles, damn I can’t remember,” “Well maybe I enjoyed, but I was thinking of someone else,” “Hell, maybe they’re caimans after all,” “Oh yeah, who?”

  “Big suckers whatever they are,”

  “um, none of you’re business.”

  Maggie found herself wandering along the maze of corridors in the castle. She had separated from Moonchild and Stardust, who were busy helping the flying monkeys change back into munchkins. Ahead of her she thought she heard familiar voices. The voices were obviously fighting. She walked up and opened the door and looked in to see
if she could help.

  “You arrogaant son of a …”Susan stopped as Maggie opened the door. She had been pointing an angry finger at Damien, who also looked very angry.

  “Whoa dudes, like stop fighting man,”Maggie said,”You’re like messing your karmas all up. Like here, try these groovy brownies.”

  She opened her bag and began to walk towards them, casually stepping over the log like objects on the ground.

  “Maggie, watch out for the alligators!”Susan called.

  “Crocodiles,”Damien corrected.

  Maggie looked down at the reptile beneath her feet.

  “Whoa, look at the groovy lizards,” She said, delighted. “Like, hey lizards are you hungry?”

  A snap of jaws barely missed Maggie’s hand, but snapped upon a mixture of chocolate, and some high grade magic herb. The others began to close in on Maggie.

  “Like, don’t worry my goovy little lizard friends,”Maggie said with a faint smile,”I brought enough for everyone.”

  Monets later, Susan, Damien, Vlad, and Maggie strolled past a group of very mellow reptiles and into the corridor. Damien looked into Maggie glazed eyes.

  “Maggie,”he said,”Where did you get these brownies?”

  “Like I met some totally groovy munchkins,”

  “Munchkins, oh great,” Damien said, taking away Maggies bag.

  “I think you’ve had enough brownies for now.” “But Mr. Taft, they’re cool, They’re like herbal brownies,” “Herbal?” Susan asked,”What kind of herbs?” “The one that cost you you’re underpants,” Damien said. “Marjoram?” “No that was your corsett,” “Then what…oh no,”Suzan looked at Maggie,”How long will she be like this?” “Could be a while, Munchkins always have good stuff,”

  “It should be banned,”Susan said, crossing her arms.”it’s immoral.”

  “It’s good for an eye infection, “Damien replied,”Plus it can be a lot of fun.”

  A mouse became a carriage, with some pumpkins turning into horses. Malventia cursed and tried again. She would get control of this damn thing. She would not allow this power to go to waste, or fall into the wrong hands, i.e. someone else’s hands.The curtains turned into chickens, then exploded.

  It reacted before she even had a chance to think of what she wanted, the magic coming from the medallion with a mind of it’s own. If she could just figure out the pattern, figure out why it reacted as it did. Why did it change things into what it did? She needed to sit down but the sofa had run away an hour ago and most of the chairs had become aspiring jazz musicians.

  Vlad had left them as soon as they had escaped the crocodiles/alligators or possibly caimans. Damien had known he would, sticking around in times of adversity couldn’t be counted among his father’s strong points. Actually thinking about it, Damien couldn’t think of what his father’s strong points were.

  He scooped up Maggie, who had decided to take a nap. He carried her down the maze of corridors as Susan looked into each door, trying to find a way out. However the coridors seemed endless, mazes connected to mazes. They wandered for hours, but every step seemed to get them more and more lost.They ended up in a large bedchamber. Damien lay Maggie down on a large four poster bed and looked around. Susan walked through a door into another chamber.

  Damien followed her in, and watched as she sat upon a smaller bed. He sat beside her.

  “It’s the spell father cast,” he said,”It’s twisting this place like th kudzu vines..”

  “The acorn doesn’t fall far from the sea,” Susan grumbled.

  “As soon as I figure out what that means I’ll disagree with you,” Damien said.

  “It means like father like son,” she said, turning away from him. He looked at her a moment. Then without warning, he grabbed her ankles and locked them between his legs the way he had that day at his cottage. He lightly stroked the sole of her foot.

  “Ahhhh! what do you think you are doing?”suazan said,”Stop it!”

  “Say the magic words,” he said.

  “Plee-EEEE-ase.!”she said,quirming.

  “That’s one of them, “he said, tracing her instep,”But the entire phrase is,’please kiss me,”

  “I don’t thi-nnnnnn aaahhhh, think so,” she said, trying to pull away.Damien shrugged and continued.

  “Suit yourself, I can do this all day,” he said, stroking just beneath the big toe.

  “We-ee don’t ha-have time for thi-is,” She said.

  “We’re lost what else are we going to do?”

  “All right! Ple-ee-ase ki-iss me-he,”

  He stopped and slowly leaned forward. Since the invention of the kiss there have been ten that ranked as the most passionate, the intense, This would have come in at about number fifteen, not a bad showing given Suzan’s lack of experience in such matters. As they broke apart , Damien reached for her foot again.

  “Please kiss me,”she said quickly.

  A ranking of thirteen this time.

  “You know the world might end,” she said.

  “Then I can’t think of a better time,” he replied, kissing her again. The judges would have awarded this one an eleven.

  He began to kiss her neck, Then reached up and pulled the pins out that held her hair in a tight bun. Her long black hair cascaded down her back, as he reached up her back and began to undo the buttons of her dress. Susan gave a soft moan, as she did so, she felt the first button release, and gave a soft sigh, and slight smile. The third button came open and her dress began to slide of her shoulder as Damien kissed his way down. The fourth button opened…

  “Mistress Crone! Mr.Taft!” came Maggie’s voice from the next room. Damien sat bolt upright as Susan began to fumble with her dress and hair. A task complicated as she tried to do them both at once. Damiren reached over to try and help rebutton, as Susan put her hair up in something that only vaguely resembled it’s usual tight bun.

  “Er, yes, what is it Maggie?” Susan said, trying to check her dress.

  “Come in here,” Maggie called,”I think I found something.”

  They walked into the next room where Maggie held a large tome. She gave her disheveled teacher an odd look, glanced at Damien then shrugged.She held up the book and said “I found this on the nightstand, it looks important.”

  “This must’ve been father’s room,”Damien said,”He always reads before going to bed.”

  Susan took the tome from Maggie and looked at the cover. It had and orange border around a white center and strange black runes that spelled out Darke Wizardry for thee Compleat Dummiee. She opened it to one dog-eared page and glanced at the spell.

  “Damien did your father have any amulets, pendants or medallions?”

  “No I don’t… oh wait,”Damien remembered the last audience he’d ha with his father, just before being tossed in the cell. “Yeah he had a big ugly green one. why?”

  Susan showed him the spell.

  “Grigor’s Total omnipotence,”“ Danien read, “She’s going to have trouble controlling it, but if she figures it out, this could get tricky. Remind me to kill father later. If there is a later.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “The medallion has all the magic in the world gathered up in one place, at the hands of a malignant enchantress,”Damien said”and I know Malventia, she probably forgot to ask how to use it before she knocked father out and stole it, not that it would have done her any good. Father tends to just skim throught those parts..”

  “Total omnipotence in the hands of the totally ignorant,”Susan said,”So one wrong move and she accidentally destroys the world.”

  “That’s about the size of it,”

  “The book says smashing the amulet reverses the spell,”Susan. said.

  “Yeah but how are we going to get it off Malventia?” Damien asked.” It’ll be hard to even get close to her”

  “Maybe for Maggie and I,”Susan said with an evil smile,”But I think she’d be more than willing for someone else to get real close.”

>   “Won’t work,”said Damien, shaking his head.

  “Why not?”

  “Malventia’s a misandrist, she hates men and only seduces them in order to destroy them,”Damien said.

  “So she can’t be seduced herself?” Susan said, wondering why Damien had begun to grin.

  “Oh I didn’t say that,” he said, “she just couldn’t be seduced by me…”

  “Exactly what do you mean?” Susan asked, though she had a nasty suspicion that she did.

  “Hmm have to let your hair down, maybe find you some skimpier clothing …”Damien said, an evil grin crossing his face.

  “You must be joking!”

  “All right I am, just entertaining a fantasy for a moment, “ he said with a laugh.

  “Then you’ll do it?”

  “Unfortunately, I wasn’t kidding about that part,” Damien said, his grin fading, “she really does hate men, best I can do is to try and get her to seduce me again. Not even sure that’ll work now.”

  “You can be useles sometimes you know that?” Susan ask. Damien looked at her.

  “Well then why don’t you try it, if you know so much,”

  “Oh, are you saying I couldn’tdo it?”Susan asked, Damien ignored her and began to search the furniture. He flipped through some books in a basket on the floor, then opened the draawer to the nightstand.

  “Give me a break, “ Damien sighed, “ Help me look around and see if theres a map in here some where.”

  “You don’t think I could, do you?”

  “Ah, found one, “Damien said pulling a folded piece of paper out of the back of the nightstand.”This discussion is moot if we can’t find our way out.”

  “Answer me!”Susan said,”Do you think I could do it?”

  “Listen,”Damien said with a resigned sigh,”You are one of the most powerful witches I’ve ever seen, and frankly I find you to be the single most attractive and alluring woman I’ve ever met.”

  “But… .”

  “But Malventia has centuries of experience with seduction, “Damien said,”and frankly you are rathe inexperienced at,er, physical activities.”

  “You mean like soccer?” asked Maggie. Having grown up in a world without television, radio, or mass communication of any type, Maggie held fast to her naivete.