The Draig's Choice

by Lisa Dawn Wadler

  “Aye,” his hand covered hers and pressed it to his cheek. “My wee warrior.”

  Chuckling at the endearment, she forced herself away from him and again held his face in her hands. “So, we are clear that you did nothing to hurt me or force me.” When he nodded, she added, “If you had asked me about it this morning, I would have told you that last was amazing, that I loved every single minute with you. I would do it again it a heartbeat. But,” when his eyes closed, she forced herself to continue. “But you hurt me when you abandoned me and made plans for me to sleep in another chamber.”

  She paused to allow him to process what she had said. “I spent the day thinking that I did something wrong or that you didn’t want me.”

  “You did naught wrong,” Conall interjected with his gaze back on her. “Such a long and dreadful day. I should be on my knees apologizing. You suffered my harsh demands without complaint.”

  Sarah smiled despite the guilt written all over him. “See, this is the problem. You still think you were too rough with me and I think last night was the best night of my life. I need you to join me in that thought. Our bodies knew what they wanted and needed.” Lifting on her toes, she placed a soft peck to his frowning mouth. “If I tell you that you rocked my world last night, do you understand me?”

  Conall’s gaze questioned her. “How ‘tis even possible?”

  Sarah laughed and dropped his face only to take one hand in hers and lead him to the chairs. “Sit down and let’s finally talk this through.” She swallowed with relief when he sat after setting his sword aside and then pulled his chair closer to hers, so their knees touched.

  So much for professional distance.

  But then before her sat the man she had married, not a client, even if she needed her office toolbox to reach him. “So you want to know how and why I enjoyed being with you?”

  “All said you would never want such treatment, that you would run screaming away from me.” Confused anguish filled the chamber and she nodded if only to let him know she heard him.

  “Why would I run screaming away from you?” The image was laughable in her thoughts. Oh yeah, nothing scarier than a hot-as-hell Highlander naked in the tub making fantasies real.

  Swearing she caught color rising in his cheeks, Conall cleared his throat. “All claim that a wife merely tolerates the demands of her husband out of the need to bear bairns. Many told me to be quick about it to give you peace.”

  “What? Who in the hell fed you such a load of garbage?”

  His shoulders squared. “The men with whom I served. ‘Twas the advice given before I returned home to marry.”

  Sarah absently felt her head shake in disbelief. But she realized she hadn’t been the bride waiting. “The men in question, were they married by choice, or had they all been arranged?”

  “Most are men of rank. Unlike on Draig lands, arranged marriages are expected.” Conall’s fact made her consider that unthinkable life path.

  “Well, I suppose if you were forced to marry someone you had no interest in, quick might be preferred by both. But that’s not us.” Almost afraid of the answer, she asked, “Are these the same men who told you threatening your wife was the best bet for ensuring an heir?”

  “Aye, though I begin to doubt their wisdom.” He frowned at the likely advice running through his thoughts.

  Then pieces of the sexual contradiction clicked into place. “Did you intentionally rush our, um, the wedding night and the next night?”

  His head tilted to the side and a guilty grin tugged at his lips. “Aye, ‘twas what I thought you would prefer.”

  Sarah laughed at the admission that made sense of at least part of her conundrum. “Sweetie, no woman in her right mind would prefer that.”

  “Then what do you want?” Conall’s answer hinted with a tease. He leaned forward in the chair and took hold of her hands.

  “If I were asked for the best answer in the history of questions, you’d win, by the way.” At the singular sensation of her hand captured in his, heat warmed her limbs.

  Conall laughed and dropped one of her hands and reached for his cup. After a swallow, he frowned. “Why are we having watered-wine?”

  “Because we need to talk, not get drunk again.” She was laughing as she said it.

  Instantly, his fingers wove into the hand he held and his eyes darkened. “But I would drink with you again.”

  Her lashes fluttered at the undertones, too obvious to ignore. He must have noticed, because he scooted forward in his chair to trap her knees between his. Heat ran up her thighs and an unwanted gasp left her lips. “You need to understand that I don’t have to be drunk to want to be with you.”

  “Next time, I would wash your hair.” His whisper ran down her spine with shivers and his cup hit the table before that same hand ran over her head.

  “Deal, but not now.” Her breathing came in shallow gasps with the abrupt shift in the conversation. Discovery was falling away to promises of bodies mingling in heated water. “You have to stop that. I’m trying to talk to you and you are very distracting when you want to be.”

  A low chuckle rumbled as his hand cupped her cheek. “We have talked and I hear you. I was wrong to nay ask what you wish from me. But having had a taste of what you enjoy, I would offer you more.”

  “You aren’t playing fair. We aren’t done yet.” She pushed his hands off her and then hated the confusion on his face. “No, no, no. I am not saying I don’t want you, because I do. But we have to talk a bit more. Please?”

  Conall nodded and sat back, but still kept her knees trapped within his. “Of what matters do you wish to speak?”

  “I have no idea.” Her admission brought another rumble from his chest. “What just happened here? I am trying to bring some honesty between us and you just attempted to get me in bed.”

  A grin crossed his lips before he spoke. “I just discovered that I have been told many a falsehood and that my wife does nay suffer my bed. Why ‘tis so wrong to seek it?”

  “Because your wife hasn’t completely enjoyed your bed.” She hated her blunt phrasing when his brow furrowed. “Let me explain.” Taking one of his hands back, she ran her fingers over the skin. “You feel that, don’t you? This crazy recognition.”

  “Aye,” he quickly agreed.

  “So do I. Whenever you touch me it becomes even more intense. But in that bed,” she quickly glanced at the bed behind her, “You have held back from me, rushing so I wouldn’t have to endure you.” Her voice teased and made light of the truth.

  “But I ken that I dinna have to, that you will have all of me.” Conall’s grin immediately went back to carnal.

  Dipping her gaze to his groin, she laughed. “Okay, you’re paying attention. But there’s more that we have to discover.”

  “I would ask, I ken nay how, but what will you have from me?” his question honest and leading all at the same time.

  It must be Christmas. Big guy just asked the magic question. Oh Lord, where to even begin.

  “What we need to discover is what works for us together. But, as long as you understand that it isn’t exactly a chore for me, we’re off to a good start. When we’re ready, we’ll take that part one step at a time.” Her professional voice answered the question that her raging blood wanted to provide with vivid and graphic details.

  Conall glanced down at his waist and then winked at her. “Ready.”

  She laughed and set his hand down to put both of hers safely around her cup of wine. Taking back the control of the conversation, she asked, “How did you miss the fact that I enjoyed last night. I mean, sweetie, I screamed. How much more obvious do I need to be?” Conall closed his eyes and she could feel him pulling back so she stopped him. “Don’t leave me, not now.”

  “I heard you say dinna and stop and yet I continued.” His phrase trailed off and she nodded in understanding.

  “What I said was don’t stop, those words were spoken together. I wanted exactly what you gave me, what we
were sharing.” When his eyes opened, she jumped into the forbidden zone. “I know that part of last night was you trying to escape from what you had to do to retrieve the clan’s silver.” Knowing she was right the second he grimaced, she continued, “And that’s fine. I have no idea what you had to do and you don’t have to tell me. But whatever it was, it left another scar on you. One not visible, but there none the less. It hurt you and because of that it hurt me, too.”

  Confused green eyes settled on her and she gave him a soft smile. “When you are suffering, it hurts me to see your pain. Not because I want you to hide it, but because I want to help you make it better. I know you’re not a violent man and yet you have lived a life of extreme violence. That would have taken a toll on you.”

  Peter shared wonderful stories of a boy who dreamed and believed in magic. What scares him is the solemn version that came home.

  She paused to allow him to soak in what she was saying. “In my time, I helped people by talking to them. I gave them a safe place to work out ways to make their lives better. Let me help you. I will never make what you’ve been through vanish, but I need some level of understanding to build a life with you. Please don’t shut me out to protect me. It only hurts me.”

  “I would never hurt you,” he whispered.

  “I know. When you are ready, we can talk about whatever you want.” Her offer was met with his grimace.

  “I would spare you what I have done.” Conall’s pain echoed in his words.

  “That’s fine. I don’t need details you don’t want to share. But I saw you last night and the emptiness in your eyes. I can help you with that part, find a way for you to let it go. I am here for you in every way. And once you let it go, I promise we can get drunk and you can wash my hair.” She added humor to bring him back to her.

  “You jest and yet I ken nay how to say it.” Conall frowned at her.

  “I don’t expect you to just spit it out. I just forced you to admit something painful and dark, which you did. You amaze me.”

  “You dinna force me. I could have left at any point I wished.” Conall nodded his head toward the door. “The door is unbarred.”

  Sarah sat back and realized what he had said was beyond true. “Why are you still here?” The foolish question flew out before she could stop it.

  “My wife wishes to speak with me, to share a cup of wine after a day that left me hollow.” His gaze bore into hers. “I have missed you and wish only to be near you even if you have begun to speak of matters that should nay be spoken.”

  Sarah recognized the partial barrier given with the compliment and sighed. “I missed you, too. My day sucked. But you need to talk to someone and I am the only one in this time trained to help you.”

  “You are trained to talk?” The disbelief that filled the air made her think of her grandfather who had mocked her college major.

  “For years, I trained so I can help people help themselves. Just like you train daily to protect everyone, including me.” When Conall sat without speaking, but accepting her statement, she asked, “Am I asking you for too much?”

  His gaze fell away and dropped to her knees. “I dinna ken.”

  “I only want to help you find a healthy way to cope, to not become so lost in the memory that you hide away inside.” Her hand reached out to cover his knee. “Was last night normal for you? I mean, do you usually drink to get drunk after...” She knew she was treading on thin ice but couldn’t stop the question.

  Conall’s exhale told her before he said a word. “Aye, I drink to forget, to wash it all away. I ken ‘tis weak.” His harsh self-debasement made her wince and she knew she was too involved with him to be professional despite her best efforts.

  “It isn’t weak. If you drank like that every day it would be another story, but one night is totally understandable. I’ve had a few nights where a bottle kept me company rather a person.” Her thoughts flitted back to the night Scott had told her it was over between them and how she’d drunk herself into oblivion rather than attempt to cope with the heartbreak. Not to mention, passing out on a friend’s couch.

  Sipping his wine, he nodded and lifted his cup to her. “Did it aid you?”

  “No,” she responded. “All it did was make me sick the next day.” She left out how searching for a new place to live with a vicious hangover had made the day unbearably long.

  Conall chuckled. “Aye, the next morn ‘tis never kind.”

  Rather than continue with drinking stories, she asked, “Was there anything else you would do, besides drink? Did anything else ever help?” She was seeking a path, one that he could continue provided it held some healthy qualities.

  Instantly, Conall’s features hardened. “Leave it alone,” he practically growled at her.

  “Why?” Cold seeped through her hand that covered his leg and she pulled back with a flinch.

  “You are still my wife and there are matters of which we should nay speak.” His authoritarian voice attempted to shut down the conversation.

  “As your wife, I want to know you. I can handle whatever you tell me.” Her confidence waned with his snort. “That bad?”

  Instead of saying a word, he rose and paced the space between the chairs and the door. For a second, she thought he would leave, but he only walked back and forth, pulling his hands through his dark hair.

  “Conall, last night you drank, which I understand.” Her mouth closed before she finished with the events of his post-traumatic coping mechanisms. A heavy exhale left her mouth as she leaned her head back against the chair and tucked her legs at her side, physically closing off her body to hide from what she was about to say.

  “Then you were with me.” He stopped moving without facing her and she loathed being correct. “But in the past there has been someone else, another woman.”

  “Dinna ask what you dinna want to ken. It means naught to us.” The warning had been given but there would be no stopping her. It danced on top of earlier concerns of another woman waiting for him. Concerns, my ass. It’s jumping on top of the fear that I am only a temporary solution set for him.

  Forcing aside the jealous rage that threatened to make her spit out the question, she clenched her teeth and recalled she pushed for coping mechanisms, making the revelations her own fault. “You would drink and then be with her.” When his hands left his dark hair and fell to his sides, the air felt heavy and laden with reality she didn’t want to face.

  This is why they say never to treat anyone you know. Emotions get in the way. Plus, I know that there is someone else.

  Hiding behind odd vocabulary, she knew her professional self had left the building. “Your wife wants to know if she is still waiting. How much she matters to you.” Sarah left out that she wouldn’t stay with him with a long-distance love triangle. But no threats yet which begs the question, could I walk away?

  Conall whirled to face her with confused eyes. “What are you asking me?”

  “I’m asking you if the woman you used to be with there is still waiting for you to come back.” The words spit from her mouth with abhorrence for the faceless woman.

  “Why would she wait for me?”

  “Why wouldn’t she? Clearly you hadn’t married her but that doesn’t mean you didn’t have a solid relationship.” Even saying it made her chest twinge. A blanket of dread settled over her with the realization that she sat in a room she had been kicked out of and was working toward having her husband admit to a girlfriend he hadn’t bothered to mention prior to their marriage. What’s wrong with me?

  “Do you think there was a woman of import to me?”

  Sarah blinked at him and his raw insensitivity that seemed a polar opposite of the man she thought she was beginning to know. “Well, yes, I do.”

  Ignoring his face that screamed he was thinking, she asked, “Are you going back to her?”

  “‘Tis no one to go back to,” he insisted, closing the distance between them. Conall again sat in the chair and leaned forward with his elbo
ws resting on his thighs, his gaze locked on hers. “You believe I had a woman I chose and desired.”

  Sarah rolled her eyes rather than answering. Her snort may have been the giveaway to the dread in her soul.

  “That she has my heart.” Conall chuckled before staring down at his hands. “We should have never started to speak about such deeds. You are forcing me to tell you what no man should admit to his wife.”

  “I have a right to know if this marriage contains three people.” Just saying it, made her stomach twist and she turned away from him to stare at the candles burning on the table. Reason number fifty-two why you don’t marry someone you’ve known for three days.

  Conall’s voice dropped an octave. “I will only speak it once, so heed me. Aye, there were women I sought when deep in my cups and lost in the battles I had survived. Some were women I had purchased with my coin, others were given to me for a night as a reward of sorts by the Bruce, and a few were willing but even those received coin from my hand to allow them a chance at a better life.”

  Even though his voice blared with hostility, she forced her head to face him and only saw his head hanging over his hands with his dark mane hiding him. Slumped shoulders faced her, and she tried to stay focused, but lost the struggle.

  Some, plus others, and add in a few, equals. . . shit, I don’t want to know. I hate word problems. But the nasty math left a thought too unreal to comprehend. So many. . .

  But she knew she had heard an insight too large to ignore. All those women had been paid, which left a sour taste in the back of her throat. “Has there ever been anyone you cared about? Someone who cared about you?” Even asking brought moisture to her eyes with the potential emptiness too hollow to bear.

  His head lifted and soft green eyes offered her a small twitch of his lips, barely visible with the weight of the conversations that had spun out of control. “Only you.”