The Draig's Choice

by Lisa Dawn Wadler

  Absently wiping away the tear that fell without warning, Sarah had no response for his simple declaration. You poor man. Has no one ever made love with you? Or at the minimum given you that illusion?

  “What passed between us last eve bore no resemblance to any other night. I merely touched you as I had longed to but never would due to what I had been told. So many told me my wife would have no desire for me or my bed.” His gaze held hers while he straightened and used his thumb to wipe a stray tear from her chin. “Even in attempting to find peace between us, I have hurt you.”

  “No,” she uttered, holding his palm to her damp face. “I hate that you have never had a loving touch when you needed one.”

  “I have you,” he whispered with a grin that fled. “Or I did before past deeds came to light.” Conall sat back with his hands on his lap leaving her empty and bereft of his warmth.

  “I’m still here.” Unfolding her body, she sat in the chair as she had earlier, facing him with her knees touching his. “While I’m not going to lie and tell you that I love your past, I think I understand it. You needed human touch to help you feel alive and took what you could.” Staring at the perfection before her, she blurted out, “But I have a hard time believing you couldn’t find someone.” Her breath heaved out of her throat. “Have you seen you? You are beautiful and so adorably sweet.”

  Conall answered with only bitterness. “Where do you think I have been, where I have lived?” Before she could answer, he told her. “I have spent most of my years away either living in a camp full of other men, in a destroyed village, sometimes a cave, and more often on the hard ground while seeking information on the enemy’s movement. There were no fine lasses to learn to court, no parents to ask for the honor of taking a walk after the evening meal, only men who lived as I did and camp women who sought coin rather than starve.” His head leaned back on the chair and he sighed. “My time here has been the longest I can recall sleeping in the same bed since I left home with my da.”

  The tears that slipped became a solid rush of wetness at the anguish in his voice. That the raw emptiness in his life left him attempting to find solace and having none pushed away the remnants of her desire to help him professionally. Without thinking about it, Sarah scrambled off her chair and climbed onto his lap. Practically forcing her arms around his neck that refused to move at first, she waited to see if he would reject her.

  For several seconds that dragged out, she waited and then sobbed as he wrapped his arms around her and clung to her. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she chanted into his hair. “I never should have pushed for so much. I’m so sorry.”

  So much of their time together made sense; his inexperienced kisses, his quickie version of sex, and his emotional distance at the lack of an heir. Those fools probably fed him crap about if she can’t conceive she’s useless. He makes so much more sense to me now. How is he so sweet, thoughtful, strong and broken all at the same time?

  One of his hands pulled her hair free from the bun and combed through it with his fingers while she cried, and he breathed deeply.

  “Dinna apologize. You seek to aid me,” he whispered against her hair. “Most seek to avoid me when. . .” His voice trailed off with an inability to express his thoughts. Her mind finished: when you are lost and needing love the most.

  Shifting her head to place them cheek-to-cheek, she swallowed hard. “That last part was really more about my jealousy.”

  Conall chuckled and squeezed her to him. “None have ever touched my heart, except for you.” His face brushed against hers as his lips kissed her damp cheeks. “Such is how you earned coin?”

  Sarah laughed and pulled back enough to face him and his hands wiped away her tears only to hold her face. “Sort of, but you’re the only lap I’ve ever crawled onto. Not really appropriate behavior.”

  He gave her a small chuckle and then pulled her forehead to his. “Are you angry with me?”

  Rubbing her skin against his, she shook her head. “Of course not. You did what you had to do to survive and remain sane. Still not loving it, but it had nothing to do with me.” Too much of it made perfect sense; his seeking physical closeness after death, the endorphin rush, and the dopamine receptors seeking pleasure after pain.

  Feeling his answering nod and his hands going back to her hair, she waited. Conall quietly asked, “Do you truly think you can aid me?”

  “I shouldn’t because I am too close to you. It will impact my judgment. Frankly, I should have known that from the start, but I will try only if you want me to. No more pushing. You have explained more than I could have ever hoped for tonight. And I am sorry that I forced it.”

  “Without a wee bit of force, I would have remained silent, ‘tis my way. But tell me how you would aid me?” His question struck with her the brutal fact she was over her professional ability.

  “I’m not sure yet. Normally it takes time to discover what you need most. Given how long you have dealt with all this alone, I don’t have a quick fix for you. But I have an idea or two.” Thinking over her past career, she knew she had entered unknown ground. But another thought reared its head and she winced.

  “What?” Conall asked, his hands stilling in her curls.

  Sarah closed her eyes and hated the idea that felt too solid and real.

  “Speak to me before I begin to fear you have decided to leave me.” His plea had her head shaking in denial.

  “Not that.” She attempted to reassure him. Not sure how to express it, she began slowly. “I have a habit of taking care of people. My problem is that I forget to take care of myself in the process. My needs are pushed aside and that’s not a good for me. Does that make sense?”

  “Aye, so you care for me and I will care for you. We will have balance.” He stated it so easily that her breath caught in her throat and another tear slipped down her cheek. Wiping it away with a thumb, he asked, “‘Tis wrong?”

  “No,” she said with a choked voice. “That’s exactly what I’ve never had.”

  “Then I shall give that to you.” His lips brushed against her cheek. “Already my heart is lighter kenning we will each care for the other.”

  Sarah smiled despite the brutal revelations. “I think I’d like that.”

  Conall pulled her against him and she rested her head on his shoulder with one hand on his chest and the other on his neck. Savoring the quiet and the calm after the storm, only the sound of logs burning filled the air that had settled.

  “What now?” Conall asked while gently tugging a curl behind back.

  Without lifting her head, Sarah sighed. “We talked about a ton of stuff tonight. Probably more than we should have.”

  “Our time may be short and none to waste.” His reply echoed Peter’s earlier warning. “Which is why I stayed rather than storming out when I wished.”

  “Did I make you mad?”

  “Aye, but I ken the why of it. I am pleased I tolerated through your insufferable questions.” His fingers tugged harder on the lone piece of hair.

  Swatting his chest, she chuckled. “I’ve been called worse.”

  “As have I,” Conall agreed with another squeeze to her back. “The hour grows late. Forgive me for staying away for so long.”

  Nodding against him, she stayed curled up on him for several more minutes before forcing herself to lift away from where she wanted to remain indefinitely. He lifted her to her feet and she stepped over a sleeping Bella to stand before the door.

  “Where are you going?” Conall questioned from her back, his arms already wrapping around her waist.

  “We should both take some time to let the evening settle in our minds.” She didn’t lean into his chest due to the certainty it would make walking across the corridor even harder.

  “You are punishing me for what I ordered this morn when I acted without thought.” Conall stated rather than questioned and Sarah turned in his arms to face him.

  “I was going to have some quiet time and think.” Her
simple answer met by his narrowed eyes.

  “My wife thinks at my side, nay away from me.” His strong hands lifted her under her arms and moved her away from the door. “Dinna move.” Conall opened the door and stomped across the corridor.

  Sarah followed when she heard scraping that made her wince and had Bella at her side. Staring in disbelief at the sight of Conall dragging her chest back the room, she shook her head. “What are you doing?”

  Ignoring her, he only stopped when the chest thudded down next to his. “Correcting a mistake. My wife sleeps with me.” His eyes lit with pure satisfaction and he walked past her to close the door. “I was a fool.”

  “Well, yeah.” Winking at him, she stepped back when he attempted to pull her close.

  “You do fear me,” Conall whispered without ending his pursuit. “How do I erase it?”

  His hands closed over her cheeks and heat ran down her spine, as it always did when he touched her. Not quite believing she was about to utter her next words, she closed her eyes to block the sight of his that asked for more than she could currently give. “I don’t think I should sleep with you right now. With everything you told me, I’m feeling a bit vulnerable and too desperate.”

  “Would you tell me if you were angry?” Conall asked as his arms wrapped around her, tucking her against his chest and leaving his heart beating in her ear.

  “I’m not. You were honest and I do appreciate that. But it’s a lot to absorb. I need to figure out where to put it in my thoughts so it doesn’t become a weakness for me.” Sarah attempted to explain and hating that she felt the need to keep a distance between them to keep her from falling back into her pattern of self-destructive behavior. “This is about me and my bad habits, not you.”

  “You dinna care for the part about the other women,” he said filling in the blanks.

  “No, I don’t, and right now that would be too present in my head.” Sighing into his chest, she found a positive. “But knowing about me right now is really a good thing, for me anyway.”

  Conall chuckled and rubbed her back. “I finally discover my wife has passion for me and she would rather think than explore it with me. We may think in different ways.” He teased but kept running his hands over her back. “Mayhap too much honesty passed between us for you.”

  Hearing his sadness, she held tight to his back. “I would like to think that offer might be around tomorrow. Today has been too much for me, as much as I hate to say it. I’m empty.”

  Conall’s chest shook against her head and then his laughter rang in her ears. Pulling back, she stared at him to watch the mirth dance over his face that had previously been so distraught.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You complain you are empty and I had made an offer to remedy such ailments.” Again, he laughed, and she joined him in the slightly naughty joke.

  Attempting to be serious, her hands landed on her hips. “That’s not what I meant.” But Sarah giggled despite her meaning being toyed with so beautifully. Sure, now he wants playful banter.

  Scrubbing his hands over his face, Conall grinned at her. “I ken your meaning, though am disappointed. I would still have you beside me to reassure me we are still as one.”

  “That’s not fair. You cannot be that sweet.” Pointing her finger at him, she gave him a mock scowl. Then her body sagged. “I do need to allow it to settle in my head.” And find a way to make the math of what could be hordes of women seem safe and benign. I wish me loads of luck with that.

  Conall nodded. “Fine, mayhap I should do the same.” His gaze fell to the floor. “And mayhap I wished to avoid that.”

  “Wow, you are really good at self-introspection.”

  “What?” Turning away to begin the task of blowing out the candles, he added, “You speak oddly at times.” Crouching before the fire to add more logs, he glanced up at her. “Spend the day with me on the morrow. I have a strong desire to attempt to court my wife.”

  Grinning at him, she wondered how it was possible that he knew exactly what she needed without her asking. “I would love to spend the day with you. What should we do?”

  Conall rose and walked to stand in front of her, his eyes soft and weary. “I dinna ken. My knowledge of courting is based on rumors told. It may involve a walk and mayhap a stolen kiss to two, nay that I have ever done such.”

  Lifting her hands, to pull his face to hers, she smiled at him. “That sounds like a perfect place to start.” To reassure him, she added, “And I think that’s exactly what I need.” Nice, a date with my husband.

  Conall kissed her nose and blew out the candles on the table next to her side of the bed. His hands tugged at the belt at her waist to free the belt that kept his dagger bound to her side. Placing it gently on the table, he turned back to her. “In the bed before I forget to leave you be.”

  But he didn’t stay put to tempt her, instead he walked to his side and blew out the remaining candles and she turned away from the sight of him stripping down for bed.

  Really? Now is when I decide to deal with my shit? I have a perfectly sculpted Highlander, who’s likely naked, waiting in the bed for me. Oh, let’s not forget that he’s willing to be a bit more interesting in bed. I really hate me.

  But thoughts of many and others stayed too far forward in her mind to even contemplate being with him. I will not picture women with model-worthy figures and straight hair. I swear it. Deep down she knew sex with him would leave her doubting herself and then wallowing in the deep waters of uncertainty. I still suck.

  Still covered in her shift, she climbed under the covers and settled on her side to stare at his amazing profile lit with dim light from the hearth. Conall stayed on his back with his gaze on the ceiling. “I have a question.”

  “Okay,” she replied, hoping it would be an easy one. The soft pillow had already wrapped her in a soothing state that let the mentally exhausting day leave her with no reserves.

  “How would I ken if I ask you for too much?” Conall asked and then turned his head to face her. “I still have too much faith in what I have heard over the years to make it banish.”

  Her thoughts drifted to assumed differences between the types of marriage she considered traditional mixed with Elspeth’s opinions on the arranged variety. She forced herself to think of the implications of sex for pay. “Keep in mind that men with arranged marriages and women who depend on coin for a livelihood told you all of that nonsense. But I will tell you if you make me uncomfortable in any way. Does that work for you?” Sarah attempted to answer without pondering whatever possibilities he offered.

  Conall grinned and then yawned wide. “Sleep may be best.” He turned and pulled her over him to leave her head in the crook of his shoulder. “I would still have you against me, even if you tend to steal all the space on the bed.”

  Smiling against him, her hand landed on his shoulder and she snuggled tight against him. “I do not hog the bed.”

  “Aye, you do.” His arms tightened around her back. “So, I will hold you in place the whole of the night.”

  Sarah sighed, tears again threatening to fall. “I’m glad I married you.”

  Chapter 24

  Conall blinked away sleep and opened his eyes to find sunrise lighting the window; the pale hues of dawn filled his gaze before he shifted to take in the wonder before him. At his side, Sarah slept facing him, her red lashes covering the blue of her eyes. Parted lips gently sent her breath out and then inhaled softly. A lone curl fell over her cheek and twirled to rest at her jaw.

  Lifting the edge of the curl, his fingers caressed while he made certain not to wake her. The events of the day before washed over him and he saw her wisdom even though he still hungered for her. He had hated, even loathed, not touching her last night as he wished to, as he questioned if he should. But too much had been spoken to expect more. I should have never spoken of other women regardless of her wishes.

  Never had anyone ever sought to question him as she had, daring to release h
is hatred for deaths delivered. He knew that killing to stay alive had been necessary, despite the darkness that filled him. He doubted she would ever make the memories fade to nothing, but wondered if she could truly aid him.

  Then he thought on those he had seen throughout the long years, those who had lost all. Their haunted faces blurred in his head along with the certainty that they suffered more than he ever would. Mayhap she could aid them and bring peace to their lives. Then he cast that away, never wanting the horror of war to touch her.

  How long do I have? A moon, weeks, or only a day before I am summoned? He knew not, only that time would pass quickly and soon he would leave her. Would they have enough time to bind them completely? Vowing to make the most of their days together, he watched her sleep and allowed the sun to creep into the sky without her awareness.

  Still he held the strand of curl and felt his lips curve as her head nestled into the pillow, seeking greater comfort. A stream of sunlight moved across the floor and lit the tousled curls to make it appear as though fire danced on her sleeping head. It hit him in a rush, the purity of thought. Sarah is my light and banishes my dark. She is truly my legend.

  “What is it with you and my hair?” her sleepy voice rumbled.

  “It calls to me,” he whispered, not wishing to completely wake her.

  Her nose wrinkled and unable to resist, he leaned closer and placed a kiss to the freckles of red dotted it. “As do your freckles. I wish to touch each one.” He stilled with the thought aired, waiting for her to object to such a bold notion.

  “You like my freckles?” Sarah’s eyebrows questioned over closed eyes. “Hope you have time to kill. There’s a ton of them.”

  “Aye, they dance over your skin and tempt me.” Kissing one on her cheek, he caught her soft sigh. “Would you let me?”

  Her lips twitched into a wide grin and a mumbled noise left her lips.