Crib Notes
Page 17
“But I’m not. I’m not connected to him. The baby is.”
“I know. But Eli, biology might make someone a father, but never a dad. A dad is someone who cares. Someone who’s going to be there day in and day out. I don’t think that’s ever going to be Arthur.”
There was so much pain in Zac’s voice, and it tore at her because she knew she’d put it there. She’d hurt him. “Zac, I love you.”
“And I love you.”
“If I could choose, if I had a choice, I’d pick you to be the baby’s father. But I don’t have a choice. I tell the girls all the time, that life just happens. There are no crib notes to cheat your way through it. You have to deal with it as it is. And as it stands, I love you. I don’t love Arthur, but he’s the baby’s father and if he wants to be a part of this baby’s life, I’ll see to it that he is. Look at what happened with Charlie and Nora.”
Zac visibly flinched as she said the words, and she felt cruel, but she needed to be clear. “Once he held his daughter, he fell in love with her. Maybe that will happen with Arthur. And he should be a part of this baby’s life if it does.”
She didn’t enjoy it, but she knew she’d had to say what she had.
“He’s had nothing to do with this baby, but he’s the father? What about me? I’ve been here every step of the way. What am I to this baby? Let’s say we get married. And little Junior does something wrong and I want to discipline him. Take away his bike for a week. Will you throw the fact that I’m not his father in my face? Tell me that I don’t have the right to discipline him? Will we call Arthur to check that it’s okay? I want to be there for all of it. For the big moments, for the small ones. I want to be the baby’s dad, but I keep feeling as if you’ll never let me.”
“Zac, you’re not being fair.” The waitress came and they both were silent as she placed their orders in front of them.
“Can I get you anything else?” the waitress asked, her chipper voice sounding harsh because she was so obviously happy and they were so obviously unhappy.
“No, thank you,” Eli managed to reply. When the waitress left, Eli repeated, “You’re not being fair, Zac. If we stay together, certainly, you’d have a say in how the baby was raised, but it won’t change the fact that Arthur’s involved.”
That if landed with almost an audible thud. She knew it.
“I know I’m not being fair, damn it. I want to be. I want to be that very cool guy who says, hey, whatever. I’d like to let it all roll off me, and take what I can get. But I’m worth more than just the table scraps in this situation. I want in, Eli. All the way in. No hesitation, no qualifications. I love you and I want to marry you.”
Zac didn’t give her time to respond, he just continued steamrolling along. “I want us to raise this baby as our own. I want to be the one who takes him out for ice cream to celebrate successes, and the one who sends him to time-out when he makes a mistake. I want to hear about his days at school, I want to worry about him, and I want to blame my grey hair on him. I want to be the one who loves his mother to distraction, and when we kiss, I want him to gag and beg us not to get all mushy in front of him like Tucker does.”
“Zac, I want that, too. But no amount of wishing is going to make it so.” She looked at him across the table. He was amazing and she’d brought him so much pain. “I think we need a break.”
“What? I just told you, I’m in. This situation is no one’s fault. It might hurt like hell, but we’ll work it all out. I’ll be fine.”
But he wouldn’t. She could see that even if he couldn’t. The situation was too reminiscent of his sister’s. It was killing him. And she loved him enough to do what he couldn’t do. He was right, he was in this. And he’d never walk, no matter how much it tore at him. So, she’d walk for him. She’d walk away from him.
“I don’t need a break from us, Eli,” he repeated. “I love you.”
“You don’t understand, I need this,” she lied. “The baby’s here soon, and it’s obvious, I’m not done dealing with Arthur. I know it’s hurting you, and to be honest, Zac, I just can’t deal with your problems on top of my own.”
It was mean, but she also knew if she didn’t sound convincing, he’d never let go.
“I need you to give me some space. Let me get my life in order and maybe then…” That was a lie, too. Arthur would always be a part of her life, and she couldn’t deal with that fact hurting Zac day after day.
The soup that had sounded so good just a short while ago was left untouched and forgotten as she stood.
Zac stood as well and his voice was stiff as he said, “I’ll take you home, then.”
“It’s not far, I’ll walk. The baby and I need the exercise.”
She grabbed her purse and coat and started for the door.
“Eli, please…”
She turned to see the man she loved. “I’m sorry, Zac. I’m sorry I ever said yes to anything more than our work sessions. I’m so sorry.”
She quickly left the building before she burst into tears.
She’d hurry home and call Tucker, sure in the knowledge her friend would comfort her.
A WEEK LATER, ZAC WENT to the front door, hoping beyond hope it was Eli who was ringing the doorbell.
He tried to hide his disappointment when he found Cessy standing on the porch, glaring at him. “You’re a jerk, Zac,” she said by way of salutation as she pushed past him and entered his apartment.
She stood, ramrod-straight, still glaring at him.
“You want to sit down?” he offered, though he wasn’t in the mood for listening to his sister’s teenage angst.
Truth be told, he wasn’t in the mood for much of anything other than being with Eli. He’d picked up the phone and dialed Eli about a hundred times in the last seven days. Every time, he’d hung up before he hit send.
“No, I don’t want to come in. I don’t want to chat and pretend to be all sympathetic with your plight because I’m not. Not at all.”
“Hey, what did I do?”
“Mom was all worried when you didn’t come to dinner on Sunday, but I said you were probably too busy with Eli, but you weren’t, were you? I stopped at Ariel’s and she told me that you broke up with Ms. Cartwright.”
“How did Ariel know?”
“Bart heard his mom talking to Ms. Cartwright and got the gist of it. He said something to Ariel.”
Zac had forgotten what high school was like. Rumors traveled quicker than the speed of light. “Cessy, I didn’t really break up with her, she asked me to back off for a while, and I did.”
“Jerk. Idiot. You’ve always been my hero, but Zac, right now, I’m…” Cessy paused and finally said, “Well, I’m disappointed in you.” It was the killer phrase his mother always used to make any of her kids toe the line and do better.
I’m disappointed in you.
The phrase stung.
“She needs you,” Cessy said. “That baby needs you.”
“The baby has Arthur.”
She snorted.
“He wanted another try,” Zac stated. “And Eli gave it to him again because he’s the baby’s biological father.”
“Hey, don’t play that card with me, Zac. I met the man who biologically fathered me, and I lived with him for six months. I know better that’s not what makes a parent. Dad is my father. Not that guy, who by some fluke or broken condom, knocked my mother up. Doesn’t matter that this guy’s the sperm donor. You can be the baby’s father.”
“That’s not how Eli sees it and that’s not how the legal system sees it. Cessy, don’t you get it, when we lost you, the whole family had a big gaping hole in it. We missed you. I was your big brother, but I couldn’t protect you. The law said that man had a legal right. And it would say the same thing about Arthur.”
She shrugged. “So what?”
That wasn’t the reaction he expected. “So, I don’t think I can go through losing someone I love like that again.”
“But—”
“You’re so afraid that you’re letting the best thing that ever happened to you slip through your fingers.” Cessy paused, then quietly, with less heat, said, “You know, all my life, I’ve looked up to you. I’ve wanted to be as good and brave a person as my big brother. But now I don’t think I want to be. I don’t want to be so afraid of losing someone that I wouldn’t put up a fight.”
“Cessy.” She was getting it all wrong. He’d been willing to stay, to fight. He’d gone because Eli asked him. “Cessy,” he repeated.
“Cecily, Zac. My big brother, the one I looked up to, called me Cessy. You get to call me Cecily.”
“Cecily, then. You don’t understand.”
“Stop. You don’t understand, so I’m going to clue you in. Eli didn’t ask you to leave because she needed space, she asked you to go because she knew this was hurting you and she loves you enough to want to make that pain stop. But she’s as dumb as you are, even if she is a teacher. I’m going to explain this to you slowly, so it has a chance of getting through your extremely thick skull. You. And. Eli. Belong. Together. Everyone knows that, except the two of you. And even if Arthur decides to be a part of this baby’s life, you’d still be there, too. You’d be a part of it. Love isn’t something that gets smaller if it’s divided. That baby will have enough to give some to you and Arthur.”
“Cessy—”
“You’re being stupid. I know that my leaving was hard on you, that it hurt you, but even if that man had kept me, even if I hadn’t come home, I would always have known I was loved. That’s a gift. I’d have remembered that. It would have been worth the pain of losing you to have had even one day of your love. How can you not feel that way about Eli and the baby? How can you turn your back on love?”
Zac didn’t have an answer.
“These last few days, have you hurt any less?”
He shook his head.
“Well, there you go, Zac.” She waved and flounced out.
Zac stood in his foyer mulling over her words.
Was that what he’d done? Had he actually turned his back on love?
CHAPTER TWELVE
“Every student lives for graduation day. A day that marks the transition from childhood to adulthood. Teen mothers marked that transition when they became parents. But that doesn’t mean they should stop thinking about graduation and their future. Because, unlike their classmates, their decisions about their future will affect more than themselves, they’ll effect their child.”
—Crib Notes: Pregnancy, Childbirth and Parenting for Teens, by Mary Jeanne Lorei
ELI HELD NORA as they sat in the row with the girls from her program. Every time a teen parent graduated, it was a triumph for the girl, and it provided a role model for the other students.
Parents and friends filed into the auditorium, and the front dozen or so rows were empty, waiting for the graduates to arrive.
“Your mama’s graduating,” she whispered in the baby’s ear.
Nora didn’t pay any attention as she snuggled closer, trying to find a comfortable position against Eli’s giant stomach. The baby kicked little Nora.
“Hey, behave,” she scolded.
The baby had been much more quiet today than usual, and she found the fact that it had stirred reassuring.
“You don’t look very comfortable,” came a voice that sent her heartbeat into overdrive. “Maybe I could sit here and help?”
“Zac.” She turned and drank in the sight of him. It had been little more than a week. Most days she could believe that they’d figure things out after the baby came and Arthur decided what he was going to do. Somehow, they’d make it work for everyone. But then, the smallest hint of doubt would creep in and she’d worry that she’d lost him. But here he was and for now, that’s all that mattered.
“Yeah.”
She tried to tell herself that he was here for Ariel because she was part of the CATA Project. But as he sat in the vacant chair, she didn’t believe it. He was here for her.
He didn’t have to say a word. The way he reached out and touched her hand, she could tell that he’d needed to connect with her as much as she’d needed to connect with him. She took his hand in hers and held on.
She wasn’t sure where her certainty had come from, but she reveled in it.
Zac was back for her.
He held out his free arm and took Nora. Despite the fact she enjoyed holding the baby, there was a sense of relief. Her stomach was so swollen it got in the way of pretty much everything these days. But despite her giant girth and her nagging backache, she felt marvelous. Zac was back.
“Eli, when this is over, could we talk?”
She nodded, not trusting herself to say something without bursting into tears. She’d missed him so much. Had so many things to share. About how the baby was kicking. About how it still seemed to like her right rib, pressing against it all day until by evening it just ached, and she’d sit with a hand on the foot moving it gently away and giving herself some relief.
She wanted to tell him so many things, to share so much of the minutia of her day.
But mainly she wanted to tell Zac that she loved him.
That she wanted to spend the rest of her life loving him.
That no matter what Arthur decided, she was sure Zac would never lose her or the baby. The emotion caught in her throat, preventing anything from coming out.
“Eli, are you okay?” he asked, as he put Nora on his shoulder and gently patted her back.
She nodded again.
“I missed you,” he said. “I—”
The music started playing and the senior class began to file into the auditorium from the back. Eli had checked with the principal, and Barry had told her that Ariel would walk down this side of the gym.
She watched as gowned student after gowned student marched by. Soon, Ariel came into view wearing her blue cap and gown, along with her honor society cords.
And suddenly, all that emotion Eli had been trying to rein in, exploded. She could feel the tears streaming down her face, and tried to kneel down and get her purse and the giant stack of tissues she’d packed for just this occasion. The space between the seats didn’t leave much room to maneuver herself, but she was managing until she felt a stitch in her back and she let out a sharp gasp.
“Here, let me.” Holding Nora in one hand, Zac reached down with his other and retrieved her purse for her.
Eli tried to force herself to breathe normally as she dug for the tissues. In, out. Slow even breaths. It wouldn’t do to hyperventilate. This was Ariel’s night.
The graduating class had all reached their seats and sat down, then the audience did the same.
“Family and friends, on behalf of myself and the teaching staff, I want to welcome you to this celebration. We are here tonight…” Barry droned.
Eli had sat through years and years of graduations. She’d always felt a bit misty as she watched girls from her program graduate. But Ariel’s graduation was special.
She reached over and touched Nora’s peach-fuzzy hair, but stopped short because her back twinged again.
“Eli, are you sure you’re all right?”
“I did something to my back. Probably just the stress of carrying all this extra weight.”
He didn’t look convinced.
“I’m fine, Zac. Really, I’m fine.”
He gently held her hand as the baby slept and the various speakers came and went. Then one by one the graduates walked across the stage, received their diplomas, shook hands with Barry, then moved their tassels from the right side to the left.
“Laurel Lee.”
“C. J. Manto.”
�
�Charlie Markowski.” Nora’s father walked across the stage. He’d been true to his word in the hospital, helping with the baby and helping financially. Ariel had confessed they were dating again, though she’d qualified that most of their dates involved things for the baby. A trip to the zoo, a walk in the evening.
“Ariel Mayor.” Ariel made her way across the stage, and like everyone before her, took her diploma and shook the principal’s hand, then walked across the stage, turned to face the audience and moved her tassel from one side to the other.
Eli clapped until her hands hurt, but she didn’t care. Ariel was her only graduating student this year, which just added to the specialness of the evening.
When the final diploma had been handed out and the ceremony ended, Ariel came to find them. “Thanks for being here, Ms. Cartwright and Mr. Keller. I saw Aunt Deirdre and I need to go find her, but I wanted to say thank you to you both.”
Eli didn’t ask about Ariel’s parents, and neither did Zac. At least her aunt had made it.
“Congratulations, Ariel. We’re both so proud of you.”
“I brought something with me.” Zac shifted Nora and took an envelope out of his pocket. “Keller’s Market is proud to give you our first CATA scholarship to the college of your choice. If you pick one in town or nearby, you’ll have a job with us throughout. If you choose a college farther afield, I have connections. I’ll help you find another job with someone who will work with you.”
Ariel opened the envelope and read the note then started to cry. “Mr. Keller, you don’t know how much this means to me. To us. I—” She gave up trying to talk and hugged him, sandwiching Nora between them.
“Here, let me rescue the baby.” Charlie took the baby from Zac and rather than ending her hug, it allowed Ariel to hold on longer.
When she finally broke free, she turned to Eli and hugged her as well. “Ms. Cartwright, I know that teachers are paid to be here and that it’s not an easy job even if you stick to the job description and present lessons and grade papers. But you, you go even further. You cared about me. When I walked across that stage and took my diploma from Principal Werner’s hands, it was because of you.”