Rogue Devil

by Kylie Gilmore

  I sit next to Ariana and the baby and give them a warm hello, trying to ignore the jab over Mrs. Rourke inviting Faith to sit next to her instead of me. It doesn’t mean anything. She was probably just trying to make Faith feel more at ease.

  Mrs. Rourke indicates the dessert platter. “Please take one of each. We won’t judge.”

  I take a cupcake, cookie, and brownie. “I’ll save the pie for later.”

  “No, thanks,” Faith says. “I’m watching my figure.”

  “Oh, you look great, honey,” Mrs. Rourke says, shaking her head. “Eat, please.”

  “I couldn’t,” Faith says. And then she actually doesn’t.

  Mrs. Rourke introduces Faith to everyone, finishing with, “She goes to our church, and she’s a kindergarten teacher too!”

  Faith smiles. “I love children.”

  Mrs. Rourke squeezes her arm. “Me too.”

  Me too. Not that it matters. I eat my dessert in silence. Mrs. Rourke seems to adore Faith, a pretty, kind-hearted kindergarten teacher. I bet Faith is ready to settle down and have a family. And she lives in the neighborhood. I can’t help but think she’s a better fit for Brendan than I am. She wouldn’t disrupt his life at all. Obviously, Mrs. Rourke is thinking along the same lines with this setup.

  Becca takes the seat on my other side and sets a bottled water in front of me. “Thought you might be thirsty.” She’s Connor’s fiancée. I met her in Villroy at Christmas and saw her at Jack’s wedding too.

  “Thanks,” I say, surprised about the drink since I didn’t ask for it.

  I catch Mrs. Rourke giving her a smile and a nod. Did she text her and ask her to fetch me a bottled water? Her phone is sitting in front of her. I was distracted by dessert and my whirling thoughts. I bite into the brownie and nearly moan. It’s a rich decadent chocolate, melting in my mouth.

  “This is amazing,” I say.

  “I made the brownies,” Becca says proudly. “And the cookies.”

  “I’m coming over to your place,” I say.

  She laughs. “I love baking. Con says I’m going to make him fat.” She shifts, looking over to where Dylan, Brendan, Connor, and Mr. Rourke are playing horseshoes. Brendan told me earlier that his brother Sean went back to Vancouver for his wife’s movie. Jack is still on his honeymoon in Hawaii. I’m starting to get to know his family.

  “Just keep bringing your goodies to family parties,” Ariana says, helping herself to a cookie. “Spread the sugar around so no one person overdoes it.”

  “I made the pasta salad,” Mrs. Bianchi says to me. “When dinner gets going, try some. You’ll love it.” She turns to Faith. “You too, if you decide to eat.” Her tone says she doesn’t approve of women who don’t eat at a barbecue. I’m starting to really like Mrs. Bianchi.

  “Sure,” I say. “I’m not sure how long Brendan plans on staying.”

  Mrs. Rourke looks around the table. “I hope everyone can stay to see the fireworks with us tonight. I didn’t get to chat much at the wedding last weekend, being mother of the groom.”

  “And having three glasses of champagne,” Mrs. Bianchi says with a cackling laugh. “She can’t hold her liquor.”

  Mrs. Rourke sits up primly and says, “That is not an insult. I only drink on special occasions.”

  “I never drink,” I say, swallowing a bit of brownie. “I’m underage. Plus I don’t want to be out of control.”

  “I never drink either,” Faith says, smiling serenely at me.

  Is she trying to best me?

  I set my water down. “Well, one time I had drinks with Brendan when we were in Villroy over Christmas.” I almost add that I got a little wild, but decide it’s better not to bring up my ill-fated attempt at seduction. In hindsight, why did he reject me back then? For a long time I thought he wasn’t attracted to me. I crane my neck to find him again, wondering what his deal is. His back is to me, so I can’t catch his eye. The man is so confusing. Back then, he acted like kissing me would be like kissing his cousin, then he rejected me, and then, when we met up for a second time here in Brooklyn, he let me think he was hooking up with other women. Why did he deliberately keep me at a distance for so long only to do a complete one-eighty with all this sex and deep emotion? Was he trying to overwhelm me? ’Cuz, guess what? It’s working. It was like a sneak attack the way he got under my skin.

  The women titter.

  I turn back to the table. “What?”

  “Nothing, sweetheart,” Mrs. Rourke says.

  “It’s obvious you’re smitten,” Mrs. Bianchi points out. “Can’t tear your gaze away from him for long.”

  My cheeks flame. I don’t know where to look or what to say, so I shove the rest of the brownie in my mouth. Could we talk about anything else?

  “Now, now,” Mrs. Rourke says, waving that away and shooting her a significant look. Probably because Faith is sitting right there—Brendan’s potential future mate.

  Mrs. Bianchi goes on blithely, “I’m just sayin’, first thing she talked about was his sexual stamina. That’s how they hook ya. The good ones, anyway. So, Chloe, is Brendan treating you well?”

  I nearly choke on the brownie. I’m not sure if she means in or out of the bedroom, but there’s only one right answer. “Yes.” It’s true, anyway.

  I turn to look at him. He’s talking to his dad, but suddenly makes eye contact, giving me a warm smile. My stomach flutters, my pulse thrumming through my veins. I give him a little wave and turn back to the table.

  Every woman is smiling at me. Except Faith.

  “He’s smitten too,” Mrs. Bianchi says with a nod. “I know the signs.”

  I don’t know what to say to that. But I think it’s true. I’m not sure how it got to this point between us. I stare at the table, lost in a swirl of confusing emotions.

  Two large hands land on my shoulders and squeeze. I know those hands. I look up just as Brendan leans over me and smiles. “Hello, how’s it going over here?”

  I relax, having him near again. “Good.”

  “We’re going to go soon,” he says.

  I’m ridiculously relieved and try not to show it.

  “You just got here,” Mrs. Rourke says tightly. “And you were late.”

  “I told ya, he’s smitten,” Mrs. Bianchi carols.

  Faith stands, slipping her purse strap over her shoulder. “I’m going to go too. Thank you for having me.”

  “Oh, Faith, I’m sorry,” Mrs. Rourke says, standing and putting a hand on her arm. “I’ll walk you out.” They head back through the house together.

  We stay a few more minutes, waiting for his mom to return to tell her goodbye. When she does, she’s frowning. She pins Brendan with a stern mom look. “That was extremely embarrassing, Bren. Next time, keep me in the loop.”

  “Next time, don’t butt into my love life,” he replies calmly.

  “Faith is a lovely young woman,” she fires back. She glances at me. “You’re lovely too, Chloe. I was just caught by surprise.” She takes us both in. “I didn’t know things had changed between you two.”

  “It’s kinda new,” I say quietly.

  Brendan hugs his mom, kisses her cheek, and says something to her that has her smiling and patting him on the shoulder.

  I lift my hand in a wave and say bye to everyone. Brendan guides me back through the house, his hand on the small of my back. We’re both quiet.

  I wait until we’re on the sidewalk to speak. “Faith seems nice.”

  “I’m so sorry you got caught up in that. I had no idea.”

  “Why didn’t you tell your mom I was coming?” I hate that I care. I’m overwhelmed by all I’m feeling, and I fear he’s nowhere near where I’m at.

  He lifts one shoulder. “Didn’t think it mattered.”

  “Oh.” Ouch.

  He turns to me. “Not that you don’t matter. It just didn’t occur to me to mention I was bringing a guest. There’s always tons of people coming in and out.”

  I take a deep breath.
“I think Faith would be a good match for you.”

  He halts. “What did my mom say?”

  I nod miserably. “It’s true. Your mom likes her a lot. She probably saw what I saw—a kindergarten teacher who loves kids, close to your age, living in the neighborhood. It’s perfect. I’m sure Faith’s ready to settle down and have a family, and wouldn’t you make a great dad?” My voice cracks. I’m not ready for any of that, not for a long while, and I’m holding him back.

  “Chloe.”

  I stare at his shoulder, unable to meet his eyes. “Maybe I’m not the one for you. We’re in two different places in our lives. You deserve to see who else is out there. Someone like Faith would be better suited.” My chest aches, my throat unbearably tight.

  “Are you done convincing me you’re a bad bet?”

  I nod, unable to speak over the lump in my throat.

  He cradles my jaw. “First of all, you can put Faith out of your mind because I am never gonna be with her. That was never on the table, even before you and I got together. And second.” He kisses me, tenderly this time, and it’s exactly what I need, soothing my raw nerves. “I’m not going anywhere, so stop telling me you’re a bad bet.”

  All of my worries rush to the surface because I just can’t quite believe he’s going to stick. No one ever does. “How come you rejected my kiss back in Villroy? Why did you let me think you were hooking up with random women? I don’t understand why you acted like you didn’t want me for so long.” And then blindsided me with a relationship that makes me feel so much it scares me.

  He blows out a breath. “I was trying to resist you, a losing battle. At first, I was put off by the family connection, since I’m not known for lasting relationships. I didn’t want to be the cause of family tension.” He tips my chin up, his eyes full of warmth and good humor. “Didn’t help that your psycho ex threatened to kill me if I touched you.”

  “He was just peeved. He wouldn’t really hurt you.”

  He rocks his head side to side. “Not sure I agree with you there. But, besides all that, I didn’t want to be a distraction for you. You’re headed for greatness, and I didn’t want to get in your way. And then I finally realized I was already so into you there was no walking away.”

  My throat clogs with emotion. His eyes are intent on mine, like he’s expecting me to say something. “Okay.” It’s all I can manage.

  “Good,” he says against my lips. Then he kisses me, leaving me in a puddle of need. My knees are weak, all of me melting.

  He breaks the kiss, entwines his fingers with mine, and resumes our walk. I follow along in a daze.

  I’m in love with this man. Me, the woman who never felt love beyond that of my sister. I didn’t know if I was even capable of loving someone. I’ve felt defective for so long, not feeling as deeply as others seem to. Yet here it is, a miracle.

  I think about what he said about staying out of my way and letting me do my thing. Now that we’re together, how would it work?

  Would he expect me to change all my plans and stay in New York? I’m not even sure if that’s a possibility. I have no idea where I’ll get into med school.

  Would he be willing to support my dream no matter the cost to him?

  I can’t ask him to leave his family for me. He’d lose something wonderful. They depend on him for work too. They’re a part of him. I’m the one who doesn’t belong in this equation.

  I’ve never wanted to belong so badly in my life. But will I have to give up my dream? Or him?

  16

  Chloe

  I didn’t know what to do about Brendan and our uncertain future, so I did absolutely nothing. The past three weeks I just enjoyed our time together. It wasn’t hard to do. We’re together every night, either at his place or mine, and all weekend long. He doesn’t even mind giving me quiet time to study. I take more breaks than I ever have before, but I do like to keep up on the latest medical journals and read ahead for the curriculum. Last weekend Garrett finished house-sitting for Sean and Josie and moved back in with Brendan. That was okay too. Garrett’s a great guy, and I feel comfortable with him. Brendan just shifted to my place for privacy when we needed it. Everything felt light and easy until today, my second to last day here. Every time I thought, I only have one day left, my stomach rolled, leaving a sour taste in my mouth. Brendan says he can’t get off work to visit me in Villroy, which means this is it. The beginning of the end.

  Now it’s three a.m. and I can’t sleep with all the dread building over tomorrow, my last day. I prop up on my elbows and look over at Brendan sound asleep in my bed, and sigh. I’ve been tossing and turning for hours. Giving up, I tiptoe out to the living room and tuck myself into the corner of the sofa with a throw blanket, staring at nothing.

  I always knew I’d have to make sacrifices to do what I feel like I was born to do. But I can’t let my choices hurt anyone else. I screwed things up with Michael, and I refuse to repeat history. Brendan deserves happiness with a woman who can give him things I can’t, like a settled life with marriage and kids, the whole deal. That’s not me, at least not for a long time. I’ve got too much to do in the meantime. He says he doesn’t want to get in my way, but the fact is, I’m the one holding him back. He’s older than me and he’ll want that stuff sooner rather than later.

  And I can’t ask him to join me on my journey, knowing it could take me far from here. He has no idea how special his close family is because he’s never experienced anything different. Never been lonely or felt broken inside by loss. I don’t want that for him. He belongs here.

  Brendan’s warm smile flashes through my mind, making my eyes sting and my chest tighten. I clutch the blanket closer around me like a hug. I love him. I never thought I could feel so deeply for another person. For so long I was at peace, bringing all of my passion and focus to this one thing, my dream career, the thing I was put on this earth to do. Now I’m torn. I can’t give up everything I’ve worked so hard for. But it’s not fair to ask him to sacrifice his career and leave his family for me.

  For the first time in my life, my head and my heart are at cross purposes. My head says to let him go, and my heart says to hang on tight no matter the cost. But he’s the one who has to pay the price. I can’t ask that of him. It’s selfish, and that’s not what love should be.

  I slide down on the sofa, curling on my side, lost in a dark place of churning emotions and conflicting thoughts. Everything I’ve ever wanted is in reach. Everything I never knew I needed is there too, with him. Give up my dream or give up him? The question circles round and round in an endless painful loop in my mind.

  Finally, with the first rays of the sunrise, I toss the blanket back and stand, my limbs heavy. I know what I need to do. My throat tightens painfully, and I cross my arms, hugging myself. It’s the only thing I can do for his ultimate happiness—

  I have to let him go.

  I dragged through the last day of my internship, drinking multiple cups of coffee to stay awake. After that, Brendan took me to a fancy restaurant for dinner to celebrate my last day, and now we’re back at my place. I loved the restaurant, a white-tablecloth, too-much-silverware kind of place. I love him. I haven’t told him because I know it’ll only make it harder to say goodbye. My gut churns, threatening to bring up dinner. I need a moment before I can face what needs to be done.

  I hand him the TV remote. “I’m going to pack.”

  “Sure,” he says, unbuttoning the top two buttons of his dress shirt. He looks so handsome in a light blue shirt, navy trousers, and dress shoes. He left work early to shower and change into dressy clothes for our special night.

  I smile, but it’s a little wobbly, my throat tight. I go to my bedroom and pull the suitcase from the closet. I have less than twenty-four hours left with Brendan. I tell myself all good things must come to an end. At least that’s been my experience. It was a stroke of luck I got to be his neighbor for the summer, and I’m grateful for that. I have to hold onto those bittersweet memories.r />
  I toss clothes into my suitcase, barely seeing them. The thing is, it’s so much more than just sex with him. He makes me feel good, relaxed and secure. Like I have a stable foundation. How weird is that? Sara has always been my stable foundation, and then I made my own, which sometimes feels shaky, but I get through. He’s become important to me, and it kills me that we’re going to be ripped apart. I still, swallowing hard, my exhausted brain trying to focus on why this is the best course of action. His happiness, that’s right. I can’t give him what he deserves. All I’ll do is take him away from everything good in his life.

  I press my casual clothes flat to make room for my work clothes on top. I knew he’d be ripped away from me. It was inevitable. It doesn’t matter that I’m the one leaving this time, the result is the same. My vision blurs for a moment, and I blink rapidly to clear it. I desperately need sleep, but first I need to…I can’t be selfish. I have to draw on every ounce of strength within me to do the right thing.

  After I finish packing, I change out of my work clothes and into my summer pajamas, an old T-shirt and sweatpants. Then I have second thoughts. Is this how I want Brendan to remember me on our last night together? I change again into a green tank top and jeans, my usual casual uniform.

  I take a deep breath and head back to the living room, taking a seat next to him. He’s watching some kind of car show, where the mechanics are fixing up a classic car. I sit quietly, trying to work up the nerve to say what I know has to be said. Something like, it’s been wonderful, but we’re in two different places in our lives, and I think it’s best if we say goodbye now. But let’s meet up again in five years if we’re both still single. I know that last part is selfish, leaving a small window open for getting back together, but at least I’m giving him a chance to meet someone else. He’s older than me, and I honestly don’t expect him to wait around, hoping for someday. It just makes me feel better to think there’s a small ray of hope.