He's Not My Boyfriend

by Jackie Lau

  “If you’re sure she won’t mind.”

  “She won’t. Then I’ll get my clothes for tomorrow, and we can come back here later.”

  “I like the sound of that.” He kissed her neck, and when he hit a ticklish spot, she giggled.

  This was a little surreal. It wasn’t like Iris to be snuggled up in bed like this. It wasn’t like her to feel like she wasn’t in control.

  But she couldn’t help it, and dammit, she felt good.

  * * *

  It was seven o’clock when Iris skipped up the steps to Ngin Ngin’s house and opened the door. Her grandmother would be wondering where she was, ready to serve dinner.

  “Hi, Ngin Ngin,” Iris said as she slipped off her shoes in the front hall. “Guess who I brought for dinner?”

  Strangely, she didn’t hear any movement, didn’t smell any food cooking.

  Her heart beat quickly in her chest. She knew, she just knew, that something wasn’t right.

  “Ngin Ngin?” she called anxiously.

  She hurried into the house, Alex behind her.

  And there, at the base of the stairs, was her grandmother, lying in a heap on the floor.

  Chapter 16

  No.

  No, no, no.

  Iris crouched on the floor beside her grandmother’s twisted body, her heart in her throat. Someone was saying something behind her, but she wasn’t paying attention to his words. She was only looking at Ngin Ngin.

  Her grandmother’s bony hand reached out and encircled Iris’s wrist.

  “Fell on stairs,” Ngin Ngin said, her voice frail. “Much pain...can’t move.” Her face contorted. “Hurts.” She mumbled something else, but the words were unintelligible.

  Iris felt like weeping. She wasn’t sure whether it was relief that her grandmother was alive and conscious, or sadness that her grandmother was very hurt.

  Someone knelt beside her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “I called the ambulance. They’ll be here any minute.”

  Alex. Right.

  She couldn’t look at him. Her eyes stayed on Ngin Ngin.

  “How long ago did you fall?” Iris asked.

  “Don’t know.” Ngin Ngin was silent for a while. “Maybe one hour.”

  One hour! Thank God it hadn’t been longer, but Iris should have been here.

  “I’m so sorry,” Iris said in a whisper. “So, so sorry.”

  Ngin Ngin mumbled something in Toisanese, and then there was the wail of sirens outside, and Alex went to the door. A moment later, paramedics rushed in, and Iris felt like she was watching the scene unfold from above. She didn’t feel like she was really present. Didn’t feel like this was her life, and yet she knew that it was.

  * * *

  A few minutes before midnight, Iris entered the house again, Alex behind her.

  They’d spent several hours at the hospital. Ngin Ngin’s hip was broken, and her surgery was scheduled for tomorrow morning.

  Iris had spent too much time reading about hip fractures on her phone. Many elderly people who broke their hip never regained their independence. The road to recovery would be long. A lot of physical therapy.

  And Ngin Ngin was ninety-one years old.

  There was a good chance she would never live in this house again. The three steps up to the porch, all the stairs inside, the narrow hallways... It was an old house, not built to accommodate mobility issues.

  Her grandmother loved this house, so close to Chinatown and Kensington Market, that she and Yeh Yeh had bought fifty-six years ago, after scrimping and saving for years. She had lots of friends in the area.

  She would be heartbroken.

  On the way to the hospital, Iris had called her parents, who arrived downtown within half an hour, and Rebecca. Dad had called Uncle Howard, who would come in from Mosquito Bay tomorrow morning.

  Mom had finally gotten to meet Alex. How about that.

  Alex had stayed the whole time, rubbing her shoulders, bringing everyone coffee and food. He hadn’t said much, but he’d been there, a solid presence she could lean on. She’d always thought she would be better in an emergency than she’d been tonight.

  As she walked through the house now, her gaze landed on the place at the base of the staircase where her grandmother had been lying, practically motionless, in unbearable pain.

  Iris should have been here when it happened. She should have come home right after work. In fact, maybe it wouldn’t have even happened if she’d been here. Perhaps Ngin Ngin would have asked her to fetch something from upstairs rather than going herself.

  Iris collapsed on the first step of the staircase and put her head in her hands.

  Now her grandmother was in the hospital and would probably never get to live in the house she loved again.

  “Why didn’t you come home until seven o’clock?” Mom had asked her.

  “I was...with Alex.” Iris had choked out the words, and she’d seen the judgment in her mother’s eyes.

  She’d moved in with Ngin Ngin almost two months ago; she was supposed to help her aging grandmother around the house. Instead, this had happened.

  She sobbed, and Alex sat beside her and put a hand on her back.

  “It’s my fault,” she said.

  “No, it’s not.” He wrapped his arms around her. “I’ll stay with you tonight. I need to wake up early to go home and get ready for work, but I can stay the night.”

  She shook him off. “I can take care of myself.”

  “I know you can, but let me be here for you.”

  It was tempting, but she quickly brushed those thoughts aside.

  “You need to leave,” she said.

  He frowned. “If you insist, but—”

  “You need to leave, and I don’t ever want to see you again.” She trembled as she said the words, but she meant them. She did.

  “Iris, what the hell? You’re just in shock because of what happened.”

  “It’s all because of you. If I hadn’t been with you, I would have heard my grandmother fall, or maybe she wouldn’t have even gone upstairs and this whole thing could have been avoided. If it hadn’t been for you, I would still be working on the East Markham Hospital job, rather than having to tell my boss that I’d developed a personal relationship with the site supervisor. It was humiliating, and I can’t bear to imagine what he thinks of me now.” She poked him in the chest with her finger. “It’s all because I let myself get involved with you, against my better judgment. I don’t do relationships, and yet somehow I’ve found myself in one. All they do is bring pain and stifle your independence. So, no, I don’t need to see you again. We’re done.”

  She kept her head held high. She refused to show him how painful those words were for her to say.

  Because she had grown attached to Alex, against her better judgment.

  He shook his head. “No. That’s not all relationships do, and I confess I never really understood the appeal before I met you. But with you, it’s different. Like I said, you make me feel like I’m alive again.”

  “You said that right after you’d come inside me.” She couldn’t help being crude.

  “That doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

  “It means you weren’t thinking clearly.”

  He scrubbed his hand through his hair, clearly frustrated. She hated doing this to him, but it was necessary.

  “I love you,” he said, anger in his voice. “Don’t you dare tell me I’m not thinking clearly now.”

  She just laughed.

  “Why are you laughing? I love you. Do you think you’re not lovable? What’s so funny?”

  She stared at him and shook her head. “I can’t believe we’ve come to this. It was supposed to one fun night of sex, and now it’s a fucking mess.”

  “Maybe it’s a bit of a mess, and I wish some things had happened differently, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be together. There are good times and bad times, and I want to be with you for all of them.” Ther
e was a bit of wonder in his expression, as though he’d surprised himself by that sentiment, but he didn’t take anything back.

  “Are you going to propose now?” Iris asked flippantly.

  “Don’t think about the future. Just let me stay the night and hold you. That’s all I ask.”

  She stood up and pointed toward the front door.

  “Leave,” she said.

  After staring at her for a moment, he nodded and went to the door without a word.

  Chapter 17

  Iris went to work on Wednesday, but she wasn’t as productive as usual. If she hadn’t just told Scott about her conflict of interest, she might have taken the day off because her grandmother was having surgery, but she felt like she couldn’t afford to be away from the office. She needed to prove she was a good, dedicated employee.

  At lunch, her parents texted to say the surgery had gone fine, and Iris breathed out a sigh of relief.

  She didn’t go to the hospital after work, not wanting to overwhelm her grandmother with visitors soon after her surgery, but she went on Thursday. Rebecca was already in the room when she arrived.

  “You’re not allowed to worry about me,” Ngin Ngin was saying as Iris entered. “Not good for baby if you worry.”

  “You can’t just tell me not to worry about you,” Rebecca said.

  “I’m old and sick. Everyone should do what I want.”

  “Hi, Ngin Ngin.” Iris took the seat beside Rebecca. She reached over and squeezed her grandmother’s hand. “How are you?”

  “I’ve been better.”

  Iris managed a smile. “You sound like yourself.”

  Ngin Ngin’s voice was a little fainter than usual, but otherwise, it was true.

  “Of course I sound like myself,” Ngin Ngin said. “Who else am I supposed to sound like? Justin Trudeau? Can’t wait to get out of here.”

  “You’ll need to stay for at least a few days,” Rebecca said.

  “Aiyah. Iris will blow up my kitchen by then.”

  Iris chuckled. “I’m really not that bad.”

  “Make sure you water the herbs in the window box, okay?”

  “Okay.” Iris paused. “You won’t be able to go home right after you get out of the hospital. You may go to a rehabilitation facility for a few weeks, or Mom and Dad said you can live with them. It’ll be better for you as you regain your mobility. Their house is more accessible, and there will be more people to look after you. They will arrange any physiotherapy and other appointments you might need.”

  She wasn’t sure if anyone had had this conversation with her grandmother yet, but they needed to start getting Ngin Ngin used to the idea. She couldn’t go back to the life she’d had.

  It pained Iris to say that to her grandmother, but it was the truth.

  “Hmph,” Ngin Ngin said. “I don’t like this plan.”

  “Like it or not, you are ninety-one years old and you just broke your hip.”

  “Living with Carolyn will drive me crazy.”

  “I know. Living with Mom drives me crazy, too, but they’ll take good care of you, okay?”

  “I prefer to live with you.”

  “I can stay with my parents for a little while,” Iris said.

  “But then you won’t live at my house. Who will water my plants?”

  “I can come down often enough to water your plants. Or we can get one of your friends in the neighborhood to do it.”

  “You must call my friends,” Ngin Ngin said. “Tell them I’m in hospital. You know where I keep my address book?”

  Iris nodded.

  “You call Rosetta, Dee, and Mrs. Yee.”

  “I’ll do that.”

  “You know the last time I stayed in hospital? Very long time ago.” Ngin Ngin looked at Rebecca. “When your dad was born. I was so scared. Not knowing what was going on, so much pain. Doctor said mean things. I don’t know what he said because I didn’t speak English then, but I knew they were mean. I told myself, I must do everything so I never need to stay in hospital again. And I succeeded for more than sixty years. See? I’m stubborn. You tell them, I’m stubborn. I will be able to go back to my house very soon.”

  On one hand, it seemed good that Ngin Ngin was so positive, but she was in denial of reality, and that wasn’t like her. Iris didn’t feel like pushing it now, though. Ngin Ngin would still be in the hospital for a little while.

  Rebecca gasped.

  “What is it?” Ngin Ngin asked. “Is baby coming?”

  “No, he’s just kicking,” Rebecca said. “He’s very active.”

  “Let me feel.”

  Rebecca waddled over to the bed. She took Ngin Ngin’s hand and placed it on her belly.

  “I don’t feel anything. Maybe he doesn’t like me.” Ngin Ngin frowned, but then her face brightened. “There. I feel a kick.”

  Iris felt unequipped to handle all the changes in her life. Her grandmother had just had surgery, her cousin was days away from giving birth. It was too much.

  She wished Alex was beside her, but she’d sent him away.

  It was necessary. I had to.

  “Where’s Elliot?” Ngin Ngin asked Rebecca.

  “He’s at work,” Rebecca said, sitting back down. “He should be here soon.”

  “He will be in the delivery room when you give birth?”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “In my day, husbands were not in the room. Probably for the best. Your yeh yeh wouldn’t have handled it well.” Ngin Ngin turned to Iris. “Where’s Alex?”

  “At work.”

  Actually, he’d probably be home by now, but she wouldn’t be seeing him today.

  “When I’m better, you invite him over. I will cook for him again.”

  Iris smiled sadly. “Okay, Ngin Ngin. I’ll do that.”

  * * *

  Alex snagged a booth near the back of The Thirsty Lumberjack and drummed his fingers on the table as he waited for Jamie. He scowled at his beer. The bar didn’t have any stouts on tap right now, so he was drinking a pilsner.

  It was just like the night he’d met Iris here more than two months ago, except that time he’d been in a bad mood because of his father’s unexpected visit with an unnecessary box of food, and now he was in a bad mood because Iris had rejected him.

  He’d sent her a few text messages today, the first one asking if her grandmother’s surgery had gone okay. Iris had told him that Ngin Ngin was fine, but she hadn’t said anything else.

  Jamie ambled in and sat across from him. “Weekday night at the bar. Must be serious.”

  Alex shrugged.

  “It’s that girl, isn’t it?”

  He hadn’t seen Jamie in a while. His friend had no idea what had happened with Iris in the past two weeks.

  “I invited her out for coffee,” Alex said, “and then...”

  He told Jamie about meeting Iris’s grandmother, the two Friday nights and Saturday mornings they’d spent together, and then Tuesday, when Chris had shown up on site instead of Iris. Hard to believe that was only two days ago. He described going to Iris’s grandmother’s house, the evening spent in the hospital, the fight on the staircase.

  Walking down the hallways of the hospital had given him heart palpitations, reminding him of all the times he’d visited his mother at East Markham Hospital as her body withered away. But he’d pushed those thoughts aside and stayed there for Iris.

  He’d thought she cared for him, too, but then she’d told him she never wanted to see him again. She was racked with guilt, and he understood. If he were in her shoes, he would have felt the same way, even if logically he knew it wasn’t his fault.

  “And then,” he said with a sigh, “I told her I love her.”

  Jamie’s eyebrows shot up. “Do you?”

  “Of course I do. I wouldn’t have said it if it wasn’t true. Who do you think I am?”

  “Okay, okay.” Jamie held up his hands, palms out. “Just making sure.”

  “Anyway, it didn’t change any
thing. She told me to leave.”

  “Did you sleep at all last night?”

  “Maybe an hour. Do I look like complete shit?”

  “Yeah, you kind of do.”

  Alex held up his middle finger, and Jamie laughed.

  The waitress came around. Jamie ordered a beer, then slung his arm along the back of the booth once she’d left. “Come on. Pour out all your sappy, melodramatic feelings. I can take it.”

  “I’m not sure you can,” Alex said.

  “That bad, eh?”

  “How did you get so fucking lucky? You start dating, you fall in love, six months later, you’re engaged. Smooth sailing. No problems.”

  “I wouldn’t say there were no problems, but compared to what you’ve been through, I see your point.”

  “Why did it have to be her? She’s so stubborn and hot-tempered, and sometimes she just pisses the crap out of me.”

  Jamie gave him a smile. “And yet you want to kiss her senseless. It could still work out, you know.”

  “Don’t give me false hope.”

  Alex had thought it himself, of course. He hadn’t been able to help himself from looking for hope. Iris had been dealing with a lot when she’d forced him out of the house. Maybe once a few days had passed, she would feel differently. She would realize she loved him, too.

  But maybe she didn’t feel the same way.

  Alex gulped his beer. “Distract me. Tell me something about the wedding. Hell, talk about flowers for twenty minutes, or cake tasting. I don’t care.”

  “It’s a bad sign when you’re asking me to talk about flower arrangements, not that I could fill even five minutes on flowers. Instead, I’ll tell you about some of the ridiculous things my future mother-in-law wants for the ceremony...”

  * * *

  Friday evening, Alex was sitting on the couch in front of the TV, half-watching the Jays game. He was trying—unsuccessfully—not to think about the first time he’d sat on this couch with Iris, when she’d been wearing that gorgeous blue dress. They’d had sex, then eaten rice crackers.

  Dammit. He might need to move. Everything in his apartment reminded him of her, and it sucked big time. It felt like she was everywhere.