Tournament of Supervillainy

by Phipps, C. T.

  “Well fuck,” I said, sighing. “Just when you think things can’t get any worse, you find out God has an immature mean streak.”

  “That explains so much,” Cindy paused. “We totally need to get him some planet-sized meds and therapy.”

  Death actually looked amused. “In any case, I need you to go to the tournament as my champions for this universe and win against Entropicus. We are forbidden from interfering with each other’s champions until the battle but the champions, themselves, can attack one another or fight through proxies.”

  “Real great system you’ve got here,” I said, shaking my head in disbelief. “This tournament might end the universe and you can take out the other competitors before the competition. Don’t worry, though, we have rules!”

  Death looked between us. “I remind you, Gary, all of you have things you could do with that wish. You want to rule the Earth? With the Primal Orbs, you’ll be able to rule over the planet and establish an order that is lasting as well as peaceful. The Age of Superheroes will end not with a whimper but a bang with no more tyranny or injustice. People will bow before you and the Pax Merciless.”

  “Or the Pax Nighthuntress,” Mandy muttered, narrowing her eyes.

  “That doesn’t actually make sense in Latin,” I said, surprised she was actually encouraging my dark side. “Also, fuck the Romans. They’re awful people who did terrible things to my ancestors. After I run out of Hitlers to kill, I’m going back in time to work on Emperor Titus.”

  Death didn’t speak for a moment. “Aren’t you sick of it all, Gary?”

  “Yes, I’m sick of it,” I said, pausing. “I hate the way the world is and how things are continually going in endless cycles of pain versus pleasure. I don’t need to rule the world for more than a minute to fix all of the horrible crap that has been left behind by everyone else. I wouldn’t want it to be just Earth, though. I’d want the entire Solar System. We can work on conquering or fixing the rest later.”

  “Isn’t that similar to what Merciful did, dad?” Leia asked, looking up at me. “I mean, he enslaved much of the world for the interests of—”

  “This is completely different,” I said, cutting her off. “Because I’m doing it.”

  “Do I have your agreement to fight on my behalf?” Death asked.

  “Are we all in this?” Diabloman asked. “Cindy, myself, Mandy, and Gary?”

  “Yes,” Death said. “I have other champions selected as well. Though Entropicus is doing his best to eliminate them.”

  “You had my curiosity,” I said, pausing. “Now you have my attention. I want a guarantee you’ll make sure nothing happens to Leia while we’re gone, though.”

  “You want Death to be our daughter’s babysitter?” Cindy asked, incredulous.

  “It’s like the Dresden Files,” I said, breaking my rule about making constant pop culture references. I was trying to dial down. “God protects Michael Carpenter’s family in exchange for Satan not constantly going after them like he would normally.”

  “Gary—” Cindy started to speak, as if I’d said something incredibly stupid. Which I had.

  “Alright,” Death said. “I will see to her safety by entrusting her to people Entropicus cannot trust then return her to you when the tournament is done.”

  “Alright?” I asked. I hadn’t actually expected her to do that. I mean, when God asked Moses to free his people, he didn’t negotiate.

  “I want you to win this tournament,” Death said, her voice low and threatening. “There’s no place in the universe for Life or Death in the world that Entropicus wants to create. I have other champions but I have my faith in you.”

  “How will I know the others?” I asked, wondering what sort of other heroes or villains she’d gathered into her service. “Assuming any of them manage to get to the tournament alive or undead.”

  “Grrr,” Mandy growled, staring at me. Apparently, undead qualified as hate speech in her opinion.

  “Just assume anyone with incredibly bad attitudes and constant snark is one of mine,” Death said, smiling, “They’re sort of my signature.”

  “That also explains much about the universe,” Cindy said, crossing her arms.

  “I question how anything good can come from being the Champions of Death,” Diabloman said. “I have the suspicion you have long been manipulating Gary to your own ends and this is part of a long term plot to destroy everything.”

  “Mmm-hmm,” Death said, not denying it. “This is why I don’t normally talk to you. Is there anything else?”

  “Can you stop being so hot?” Cindy asked, raising her hand as if she was in kindergarten. “I hate being in the presence of anyone who makes me feel like I’m not the hottest woman in the room. It’s why I hate missions with Mandy, Guinevere, or Ultragoddess.”

  “Cindy, stop setting our gender back decades,” Mandy muttered.

  “No promises,” Cindy said.

  “I’ll take that as a no,” Death said, gazing over us.

  “So, where are we going?” Leia asked.

  “The future,” Death said. “A utopian one full of heroes and no villains.”

  “Does it have replicators?” Leia asked. “Also, would it be against the rules if I copied their technology and sold it in the present?”

  “Not my rules,” Death said.

  I was so proud of my daughter. “My little temporal criminal slash entrepreneur.”

  I walked over to her and gave her a hug. She hugged back. Cindy, reluctantly, approached and hugged us both. Mandy didn’t come anywhere near the three of us but just stood off to the side, looking on in disgust.

  Death snapped her fingers. “It’s time to go.”

  A swirling portal appeared that had an image of a tropical island on the other side. The island was covered with a beautiful Chinese castle that incorporated elements of Western architecture. There were a few futuristic elements as well, including strange towers that looked like something out of Star Wars.

  “You know, if I were running a Tomb of Horrors-esque slaughterfest, I’d have a portal open up to like a black hole or something,” I said.

  Death raised an eyebrow. “Really, Gary?”

  “Not that you wouldn’t be able to obliterate out of hand,” I said, reluctantly letting go and heading through the portal. Seconds later, I was on the shores of Hell Island that didn’t look like any infernal dimension I’d seen. It was beautiful with warm sea air flowing in from the oceans surrounding us and bright sunlight coming from above. There was also a sense of power to the island and while my mystical senses were about as attuned as a dairy cow’s, I could feel it surging through everyone and everything.

  I wasn’t the only person present on the beach, either, which looked to have a couple of hundred individuals gathered in groups of seven. Some of them were costumed heroes, some of them villains, others aliens, and a few of them looking like quote-unquote “normal” people. I recognized a few of them from not only my world but also people who were dressed like fictional characters. No, seriously, I swore I saw people who were straight from fantasy and science fiction novels I’d read. It was weird even by my standards.

  “Pardon me, but are you Gary Karkofsky? Merciless?” A woman beside me asked.

  “Who wants to know?” I asked, suspecting she wasn’t a bill collector but always wanting to know who I was talking to before I admitted who I was.

  “A fellow Death champion,” the woman replied.

  I turned my head to see a 5’4 brown haired woman who resembled Jenna Coleman dressed in a pair of tight workout pants that said JUST DOE IT along the side and a t-shirt that said, DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS in black letters. She was wearing a pair of sneakers and had a headband tied around her forehead. It looked like she’d just arrived from a workout or was filming a fitness commercial despite her petite size.

  Standing beside her was a tall dyed blond-haired man in a black business suit with mirror shades. He had a heavy coat on despite the environment and had a
n aura that reeked of both technology as well as death. If you somehow managed to combine Ryan Gosling with the Terminator, you probably would get this guy. Which, now that I thought about it, was just describing Blade Runner 2049. I noted he had several guns hidden on his form as well as a couple of knives—well-hidden but I could sense the lives they’d been used to take. I was going to be really disappointed if this competition allowed firearms.

  “Do I know you?” I asked, looking over at the pair.

  “Probably not,” the woman said. “Jane Doe.”

  “Nice pseudonym,” I said.

  “I wish it was,” the woman said, shrugging. “My parents hate me. However, what else are you going to name a weredeer?”

  I needed a second to process that. “A were…deer?”

  “I know,” the handsome secret agent said. “Blew me away.”

  Jane closed one eye and squinted at me. “Coming from the guy straight out of a comic book.”

  “Comic book?” I asked. “Wait, Jane Doe, like from The United States of Monsters series?”

  Cindy loved those books. Personally, I wasn’t sure they were the best work of their author. I’d preferred C.T. Phipps’ Cthulhu Armageddon books.

  “Maybe?” Jane said, blinking. “How the hell is fiction in one reality true in the next?”

  “Lady, that is the least weird element about this place,” I said, looking around. “Did you get the whole spiel about this being the end of the multiverse?”

  “Yep,” Jane said, looking about. “I’m privately hoping I’ve just lost my mind and not living in a bad video game plot.”

  I blinked. “Wow, that is exactly how I feel about this whole thing.”

  “I wonder if we’ll see a certain spider-themed superhero around here,” Jane muttered.

  “Who?” I asked. It sounded like a supervillain. Everyone knew spiders were evil. “Oh and could you introduce me to your friend? The guy who looks like he’s a model pretending to be from the Secret Service.”

  Jane shook her head. “This is Agent G.”

  “Agent G?” I asked.

  “I didn’t pick it,” G said, shrugging. “Sadly, it came with being grown in a lab.”

  “What’s your thing?” I asked.

  “Cyborg assassin,” G said.

  “Sweet!” I said, always glad to have one of those around. “Wait, are you a brooding assassin who has a heart or just a jerkass one who kills for money?”

  “Well, you can be both,” G said, looking to one side. “I only kill bad people now. It’s a lot easier on the conscience and still profitable.”

  “Then you’re fine by me,” Jane said, patting him on the shoulder. “I say that, in large part because you’re stupidly good looking.”

  He was, too. Not quite Adonis levels but definitely in the upper tier of human beauty ranges. It kind of made me self-conscious and I lived in a comic book world where almost everyone could make money modeling athletic wear.

  “Thank you,” G said.

  “You need a better codename,” I said, pointing at them with finger guns. “Weredeer and….Assassin in Black.”

  “Those are terrible names,” Jane said. “Do I call you Nerdy Jewish Guy?”

  “I almost had that codename,” I said, disregarding the obvious jibe. “But it was taken.”

  Mandy, Cindy, and Diabloman arrived through the portal behind me. “Good, I was starting to get worried I’d have to master the fine art of small talk with these two.”

  Cindy pulled out her phone and took a picture. “Cool Jane Doe costume! You’re wearing my favorite skin from Urban Legends vs. Capcom.”

  Jane blinked. “Excuse me?”

  “Are you the rest of our team?” Diabloman asked, looking at them.

  Mandy moved a few feet away from Diabloman, keeping her distance. I really needed to talk to her about what bugged her about him so much. I mean, yes, he’d once murdered the universe but that was in the past.

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. “They’re from an alternate reality. There’s also only two of them. So, that means we’ve got three people from our reality.”

  “Ultragod?” Jane asked. “Is he coming?”

  “No,” I said, taking a deep breath. “He’s dead.”

  Jane grimaced. “That sucks. Usually, you guys come back from the dead a lot.”

  I stared at her. “Uh, right.”

  “Which is probably not something to say to you,” Jane said, looking embarrassed.

  “Sokay,” I said, remembering how Ultragod had died because he’d mistaken my doppelganger for me. “So, you are all up to date on what’s going on?”

  Jane shrugged. “I’m pretty sure I’m hallucinating this in a sweat lodge back home. Spirit World journeys to comic book land aren’t unbelievable among my people, though. All things exist in the Great Forest. My grandfather once visited Middle Earth and boned an elf.”

  “A remarkably sensible attitude to have. How about you, G?” I asked.

  “I’m ninety percent sure this is all a hack of my cyberbrain or I’ve been stuffed into a virtual reality simulation designed to keep me incapacitated,” G replied. “On the other hand, my normal life is full of nothing but murder and betrayal so I’m all for actually being the hero for once. Plus, I have a beautiful companion in saving the world.”

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “Not you,” G said.

  I smirked. “It’s funny because you’re really good looking and I say that in a mostly heterosexual way.”

  Jane chuckled. “Be sure to take the red pill not the blue one when you want to leave the Matrix.”

  “Men’s Rights Activists have ruined that metaphor,” I said, grumbling. “In any case, I’m happy to work with you both as you both seem to be snarky but good hearted souls.”

  “Yeah, let’s go with that,” Jane muttered.

  “I spent years learning how to pretend to be trustworthy,” G said, giving the kind of smile that only movie stars did. “Glad it’s working.”

  Usually, superheroes fought each other when they first met as part of some weird gangland initiation. Supervillains were much easier in that we just exchanged information, figured out who was going to be the leader, and focused on making money. I wasn’t sure about what the general cordiality here meant regarding my companions but I was determined to take advantage of it.

  “Thanks,” Jane said. “I’ll pretend I don’t know intimate details of your life from reading your comic book.”

  “I wonder if I can sue for royalties across universes,” I muttered. “In any case, I think Team Merciless is off to a great start!”

  “Team Merciless?” G asked. “Why are we Team Merciless?”

  “Seniority!” I snapped. “Also, I call the right of naming the team due to the ancient right of dibs.”

  “Ah,” G said. “Well, that makes perfect sense. Nothing can go wrong now.”

  Jane covered her face. “Great. You both jinxed it.”

  “Eh, what’s the worst that could happen?” I said, daring fate to intervene. Seriously, we were working for death. I couldn’t actually think of anything going wrong that wasn’t already built into our situation.

  “You!” I heard Guinevere shout at me. Death’s timing was impeccable. “Criminal!”

  I turned around to see her, the armored form of the Prismatic Commando, and a very ticked off looking Ultragoddess ready to punch them.

  Great Fantasy Superhero League, Death. Really awesome choices.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  WHERE THE GOOD GUYS AND BAD(DER) GUY SHOWS UP

  “You should behave like an adult, Gabby,” Guinevere said, lifting her fists to Ultragoddess. Guinevere looked at me, a disdainful look on her face. “If you’ll hold still, Merciless, I’ll arrest you in a minute.”

  “The only way you’re getting to him is over my dead body,” Gabrielle said.

  “Your relationship to your father is the only reason I’m not—” Guinevere started to say.

 
“Do not speak my father’s name! You’ve lost the right to talk about him when you betrayed everything he stood for!” Gabrielle shouted.

  “Ladies, please. We have more important things to talk about,” the Prismatic Commando said, trying to interject. He sounded like a man in his twenties despite being the oldest living superhero of the Modern Age. Like Ultragod and the Nightwalker, he was a WW2 veteran. Stephen Soldiers was formerly known as the Star Spangled Commando but he’d traded in that name during the Vietnam War when he’d tried to become a soldier for justice in all nations.

  Stephen now worked for an intergalactic police force that seemed to consider its laws to supersede the rest of the universe’s governments. Honestly, I think he could have chosen a slightly more dignified name. Someone also needed to talk about his red, white, and green color scheme that made him look Captain Mexico instead. Not that there was anything wrong with that.

  “Yeah, I agree with Grandpa Patriotic,” I said, walking over toward them and conjuring a pair of sunglasses from my cloak’s extra-dimensional pockets. Putting them on, I made the quip, “Reality is at stake and I live there!”

  Guinevere reached over and grabbed my sunglasses before crushing them in her fist and dropping them on the ground. “If I’d known you were going to be here, Karkofsky, I wouldn’t have come. You humiliated me by breaking your parole.”

  I stared at her. “This from the woman who actually believed a supervillain when he gave it. Also, those were $500 dollar sunglasses, ass—”

  Mandy cleared her throat. “Death chose all of us for the purposes of saving the multiverse. I don’t agree with all of her choices but I think her judgment should be trusted. Surely, everyone can agree Entropicus is a bigger threat than Gary?”

  “Evil is evil. It must be opposed wherever it appears,” Guinevere said, speaking with all the fury of a true believer.

  “Says the woman who allied with Gary’s tyrant doppelganger,” Gabrielle said, surprising me by siding with me on the Society of Superheroes’ hypocrisy. “Every one of Merciful’s crimes is on your head because you let him get away with them. You deserve to be locked away in the darkest dungeon the Foundation for World Harmony can build.”