Tournament of Supervillainy

by Phipps, C. T.

  Guinevere looked genuinely hurt by Gabrielle’s statements and I couldn’t blame her. Gabrielle had been effectively raised by the Society of Superheroes with Guinevere being her de facto aunt if not second mom. It was painful to watch how deep the rift from the Society’s failure to find her was. In a way, I think I blamed the Society of Superheroes less for beating up on me than she did for their negligence.

  “I can never apologize enough—” Guinevere stared to say.

  “You’re right, you can’t,” Gabrielle said, her fists glowing. “I don’t want your apologies either.”

  “Can you conjure me some popcorn, Gary?” Jane said, as Weredeer looked to her companion.

  “Sure,” I said, snapping my fingers and giving her a bag.

  “This is what superhero comics are all about,” Jane said, taking a few handfuls and eating them. “Cheap melodrama and excuses for fights.”

  “If you ever have a fair fight, you’re doing it wrong,” G said, taking some of the popcorn.

  “So, no fighter levels, only rogue, huh?” I asked, crunching.

  “Well, I take some of those too,” G said, shrugging. “No plan survives first contact with the enemy.”

  “I better intervene before they team up to fight a villain—like me.” I put two fingers in my mouth and whistled. “Listen, guys, how about I promise to turn myself into the Society of Superheroes after this is over?”

  “You’d do that?” Guinevere asked, confused and her hand on her sword.

  “No,” I said, snorting in derision. “Not in the slightest. In fact, it’s doubly funny because you fell for that just a few hours ago. However, I will act like I’m going to do it and you can consider me under house or island arrest until the multiverse is saved.”

  Guinevere did not look at all amused. “You mock my code of honor.”

  “Frequently,” I admitted.

  “That sounds like a reasonable suggestion,” Stephen said.

  “It does?” Guinevere said, turning around to face Stephen.

  Stephen removed his helmet to expose the African American man in his thirties underneath. Alien cybernetics mixed with Society of Superheroes future technology meant there wasn’t much left of the original soldier but he sure didn’t look it. He was also one of the few heroes I genuinely respected.

  “As a soldier I learned you have to choose your battles,” Stephen said, his voice soft and reassuring. “Also, Merciful was a tyrant who used a combination of fear, war, and information control to make himself a second Augustus Caesar. No matter the consequences to us, personally, overthrowing him was the right thing to do.”

  Guinevere shook her head. “I don’t believe that.”

  “I think you do and I believe in you,” Stephen said. “You are the best of us.”

  Cindy grabbed Jane’s popcorn bag and ate some. “You’re right, this is quality melodrama.”

  Guinevere seemed chastened then took a deep breath. “Alright, I’ll put aside my anger for the time being. There is no such thing as a lesser evil but I also know there is such a thing as a greater good.”

  I wasn’t sure how that made sense but I was too busy being hugged by Gabrielle to notice. “Gary, it’s so good to see you again. I’ve been so worried about you.”

  “Back off, sister,” Mandy grunted.

  “Sorry,” Gabrielle said, taking a deep breath. “I thought—”

  “You thought wrong,” Mandy muttered.

  Yeah, Gabrielle’s relationship with me was complex. It was doubly so because Mandy had encouraged me to comfort her after the events at the prison. Apparently, there had been some misinterpretation over what exactly comforting meant. We’d rekindled our relationship only for Mandy to be furious about it. This despite the fact she was drinking from a small army of willing worshipers and didn’t mind Cindy in the slightest. When I asked her about the distinction, she just said it was a vampire thing. I wasn’t the cheating type but, bluntly, I wasn’t sure where I stood with my wife anymore. In many ways, she seemed further away than ever since getting her soul back.

  “I searched everywhere in Falconcrest City for you,” Gabrielle said. “I was worried the Society of Superheroes finally murdered you.”

  Guinevere said, “We don’t murder—”

  Gabrielle glared at her.

  I sighed. “Falconcrest City just isn’t the same since Merciful did his number on the place. Crime rates are down, the economy is up, and you can actually walk two blocks without passing a strip club or liquor store. I mean, who wants to live in a place like that?”

  Gabrielle laughed, thinking I was joking. “Well, I’m glad to see you and I think we’ll be able to save the day just like my father would have. Who are your friends?”

  I looked over at Jane and G. “Oh, this is Weredeer and Super Handsome Assassin Dude.”

  “We’re not calling ourselves that,” Jane said.

  “I like my codename,” G said.

  “You do not,” Jane said.

  “When in Rome,” G said, shrugging then looked at Jane as she checked her top. “Is something wrong?”

  Jane looked down at her bust. “I think they provided me with a wondeer bra. I’ve also put on a crap ton of muscle. If everyone looks like MMA fighting supermodels in this reality, I might have to move here.”

  “Welcome to my world,” I said, smiling. “It’s not enough we have powers but we have to be sexy as hell too. Oh what a terrible curse we bear.”

  “Are you any different?” Jane asked G.

  “Nope,” G said. “I was stupidly handsome back home. One of the benefits of genetic engineering combined with cybernetic face-sculpting.”

  “Oh doe,” Jane said. “Well I just better buck up and accept the fawning this outfit is going to get me.”

  “Deerlightful,” G said.

  “Puns are punishable by death on my world,” I said, looking at them. “Just a fair warning.”

  “You doe say,” Jane said.

  “These two are fictional characters brought to life!” Cindy said, cheerfully. “I’ve read both their series!”

  Given the multiverse was an infinite number of infinite universes, it meant there was a reality mirroring every work of fiction ever created. It’s why a universe with evil goatee-wearing versions of you and your friends existed even if it made no logical sense. As a result, I was fascinated by the possibilities of who might be participating. I could end up beating up Ramsay Bolton or meeting with Eowyn and Aragorn. However, I had a question to ask Jane about something she’d said earlier.

  “Seriously?” I asked. “I have comics?”

  “Yeah,” Jane said. “I mean, they’re kind of derivative but everything is in the industry. The jokes are pretty forced at times and the recent relationship stuff has been ridiculous.”

  “Says the pun girl.”

  “Sorry about your dad and Cloak dying,” Jane said, turning serious. “I always felt they were a good balance for you.”

  Okay, that was weird. “Yeah, me too.”

  We didn’t get to talk about much more because a pair of horns blew from the top of the island’s central mountain. Going up it was a massive spiraling staircase lined with flags along its side. At the top of the staircase, coming from a cavern entrance underneath the castle on top of the island was a presence that made my blood run cold. While Death chilled the air and summoned storms, there was a palpable evil around the arrival of Entropicus’ party.

  Entropicus was difficult to describe but if I had to try, I’d go with Skeletor crossed with a pro-wrestler. He was eight feet tall with bleached white skin, his facial features seemingly carved off until it resembled a skull, and a body that was muscles on top of muscles. He wore a cloth skirt that only came down to his knees, sandals, and had a pair of belts forming an X across said chest. His eyes glowed with entropic energy, having a weird trail of blue energy rising from them into air above his head.

  Surrounding Entropicus was the colorful collection of killers (try saying th
at three times fast) that served as his favorite minions. There was Cackler the morbidly obese cannibal clown, Magnifisense the Chaos Witch who looked like someone’s Disney villainess cosplay, and a guy in a diving suit I couldn’t make out.

  “I feel like we’ve stepped out of Mortal Kombat and into Masters of the Universe,” I said, looking up next to them.

  “I used to write naughty She-Ra fanfic,” Jane said.

  “You too?” Cindy asked.

  “Welcome, champions of the Primals!” Entropicus said, his voice echoing through the entire island as he spoke. It was akin to an audio incarnation of hate. “I am Entropicus, Emperor of the End of Time and Lord of the Nega-Force. I have been chosen to serve as master of ceremonies for this occasion.”

  “Why him?” Jane whispered. “Isn’t he competing?”

  “Because I challenged the previous champion of this tournament and killed him,” Entropicus said, apparently able to hear Jane. He conjured the severed head of a red-bearded man that he tossed down the steps. “Thor Odinson’s mantle has passed to me. Thus, I do not need to fight until the final battle of this tournament.”

  “There goes the next Avengers movie,” Jane muttered.

  “I’m more worried about Ragnarok,” I replied. “The Midgard Serpent isn’t going to slay itself.”

  “We each compete for the opportunity to have our greatest ambitions and dreams come true,” Entropicus said, addressing the crowds. “Take note that violence between participants is encouraged but must all be taken in the form of a challenge. Those who are defeated in battle will have their fates decided by the victor. Interference will broaden the challenge but only one person will walk away victorious.”

  “Two men enter, one man leaves,” I muttered. “Except if a third guy enters and still one man leaves. Yeah, this is sounding very much like he’s making the rules up as he goes.”

  Entropicus turned his attention to me and I immediately regretted not learning from Jane’s examples. “Rules are made to be broken, Merciless. As such, the first challenge this evening will be you versus Diabloman.”

  I blinked, rapidly. “Excuse me? You can’t do that! We’re on the same team.”

  “There can be only one master of the Primal Orbs,” Entropicus said, sounding very much like I imagined Sauron would sound. “However, if you wish to compete in a dual contest then I agree to it. You will fight against the Cackler and Magnifisense.”

  The Cackler and Magnifisense were two of Entropicus’ children and Ultragod villains in their own right. While Entropicus was a world-ending threat, they were more monsters who routinely showed up to murder the innocent and wreck mayhem. They were always driven back but no one had ever managed to put them down for good either. Some of the Brotherhood of Infamy, your one-stop evil cult that worshiped all things vile and nasty, counted them and their father among their gods.

  Diabloman frowned. “Gary, did you just get us in a tag team match against two gods?”

  I paused. “Yes, yes I did.”

  Diabloman facepalmed.

  “Don’t worry, Gary,” Gabrielle said, putting her hand on my arm. “My father fought them all the time and won more than half of their battles.”

  “Which means the most powerful superhero in history lost almost half?” Mandy asked, looking over her. There was a disturbing amount of satisfaction when she said that particular observation.

  Gabrielle blinked. “Well, we didn’t advertise those moments but they never succeeded in killing him either! Mostly because he could reconstitute himself if he wasn’t killed by Ultranium and—”

  I put my hand on her arm. “Please, Gabrielle, stop helping.”

  “You should note Magnifisense casts her spells off from her life force so she’s got a limited amount despite being immortal,” Jane said.

  “How do you know that?” I asked.

  “It’s in the comics,” Jane said.

  I stared at her, blinked, then shrugged. “Okay, works for me.”

  Guinevere surprised me by pulling out Caliburn and handing it over toward me. “You should take this weapon. It is capable of piercing the hides of even gods.”

  “Thanks,” I said, taking the sword and immediately dropping it. I had to pick it up with two hands due to the weight. “Hey, Diabloman, are you up for this?”

  “I am unworthy to fight in a battle alongside the holy blade of King Arthur,” Diabloman said.

  “Arthur murdered a bunch of babies to try and kill Mordred,” I said, pointing out a little known passage from The Once and Future King. “He also tried to have his wife burned alive for adultery when he was shacking up with his sister.”

  “Oh right,” Diabloman said, taking the sword.

  “The execution of the innocent is a vicious lie about my father,” Guinevere said, not denying the incest or trying to kill his wife. Seriously, the Arthur myth sometimes went further than Game of Thrones. Instead, Guinevere turned to Diabloman. “I also intend to make sure you pay for your crimes.”

  “I do that every day,” Diabloman said, lifting the sword.

  “Just focus on us killing the demon-god,” I said, trying to reassure Guinevere her sword was in good hands.

  Guinevere grumbled a few words in Welsh I didn’t understand but I took to be acceptance.

  “Try not to die and remember back, back, forward, punch,” Cindy said. “That’s the code to throw a fireball.”

  “You got it,” I said, casting several protection spells around Diabloman while also working a few incantations to allow him to use his tattoo magic to channel Death’s power. Diabloman originally drew his strength-enhancing energies from the Great Beasts and they’d almost killed him. Since he’d gotten a new body, long story, I’d done my best to ingratiate him with my boss. As such, Diabloman could fight longer and harder than he ever could as a universe-destroying bad guy. I wasn’t sure that would be able to do anything against a being like the Cackler, though.

  “Abra cadabra, make Diabloman stronger?” Jane asked, looking at me. “That’s your spell?”

  I shrugged. “Magic is in the will not the words.”

  “What’s next, Presto Chango?” Jane asked.

  “Maybe,” I said. “It’s better than saying everything in Latin like some urban fantasy heroes.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with Latin,” G said. “It gave us French, Italian, and all the other languages that I use to get laid.”

  “Yeah, because the handsome spy needs help there,” Jane muttered.

  “Every bit helps,” G said, smiling. “Also, we’re not supposed to mention we’re spies.”

  “But that’d help with the sex!” Jane said, shocked.

  Diabloman touched a tattoo on his shoulder of a man wearing glowing armor and a suit of futuristic Medieval armor with glowing lines over plate mail appeared around him. It also had a pair of metal wings sticking out of the back.

  “You ready, D?” I asked.

  “Not in the slightest,” Diabloman said. “The Cackler helped me destroy the universe. It was really a plot of Entropicus I was manipulated into.”

  “You could have told me that earlier. At least we’re going to die on a tropical island paradise,” I muttered. “Okay, Entropicus, we’re ready!”

  The two of us were teleported to a disgusting green slime-filled sewer underneath the island where skeletons hung off of meat hooks. The place was barely illuminated and had a lengthy stone bridge between two flowing rivers of acidic muck. This was going to be the arena for our battle with Entropicus’ minions.

  “When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut?” I muttered.

  Diabloman looked down on me. “We have long debated that question and my ten pesos is on never.”

  “Ten pesos? Really? You couldn’t afford to go a little higher?” I asked.

  That was when our opponents teleported in. The Cackler had a small resemblance to the Ice Cream Man with the same sharpened jagged teeth but his eyes were like a reptile’s. He was dressed in a dirty foul-s
melling Renaissance clown outfit even as his hands were like skeleton’s. At the risk of saying the Cackler was ripping off Stephen King more than the Pennywise look, I could see the form of a giant oozing multi-eyed orb hiding behind the clown that I recognized as the monster’s true form. The Cackler was just the big toe of a far greater cosmic being that liked to slum with us mortals.

  Magnifisense had the pointed hat of the aforementioned Disney villainess but a black tank top that exposed her midriff and a long spider-silk covered dress that didn’t quite reach the floor. Underneath it, I saw cloven hooves that caused green balefire to leap off the ground where she stepped as well as the top of a clubbed tail. Her fingers glowed with the green balefire that accompanied her hooves and I could hear the sound of screams coming from it. She was a beautiful woman besides it, but her face lacked anything resembling warmth or hope. It was the face of a thing every bit as inhuman as the Cackler but better at hiding it.

  I leaned over to Diabloman. “You know, maybe we should ask if we could draw from some other fighting games. Like ones with succubi, fighting schoolgirls, or Chinese teenagers who ride pandas.”

  “Begin!” Entropicus’ voice echoed through the chamber.

  Ah hell.

  CHAPTER SIX

  WHERE I THROW DOWN WITH GODS

  Magnifisense created a swarm of flesh-eating scarabs I burned away with a blast of flame. She blasted me with black lightning before I conjured a wall of Stygian ice that was instantly reduced to steam by it. Fighting with magic was a bit like Paper, Rock, Scissors when you got down to it. You had to come up with the right thing to overcome the wrong thing trying to kill you since an all-purpose, “Dispel Magic” spell didn’t exist.

  Fireballs, once conjured, weren’t magic and could only be removed by methods to deal with actual fire. I’d learned all this from the Trench Coat Magician’s online magic class I’d taken for $2000. I was next blasted with a lightning bolt and sent spiraling across the ground. Yeah, I hadn’t gotten my money’s worth.

  “It is foolish of you, Lord Merciless to try to tangle with gods,” Magnifisense said in a voice that sounded like chattering insects. “You might have survived to see the rebirth of the universe had you pledged fealty to the God Emperor of Abaddon.”