Tournament of Supervillainy

by Phipps, C. T.

  “I never thought it would be,” I said, thinking about Mandy and me. The Reaper’s Cloak provided longevity but it didn’t provide immortality even if Old Gary proved I might be able to live centuries.

  Assuming it wasn’t just a trick by the Primal Orbs or Entropicus.

  “Did you have any kids?” I asked.

  “Yes,” Guinevere said. “Igraine, Percival, and others. They became heroes in their own right, grew old or died as the whims of fate dictated. That was the curse Moses, Stephen, and I all bore. We got to watch our families go on but forever struggle with the pain of our being immortal.”

  “Until they died,” I said, frowning.

  Guinevere stole a nearby bar maid’s stein of beer before chugging it down. “Yes, Gary, no sooner did I find a group that I could live among forever than I realized it still came with a horrific cost. I forgot you only had to lose a single battle to die forever and while a few of us have come back from the edge of death, only some of us have returned completely. That seems to be the province of villains.”

  “Don’t I know it,” I said, frowning. “So, that’s why you’re so upset with me. Because Merciful killed Ultragod and you see him in me.”

  “I told you why you upset me.”

  “People don’t hate as personally as you do me because of ideology,” I said, looking at her. “Believe me, I grew up the poor Jewish kid with a supervillain brother in a neighborhood full of skinheads. No, there’s something else going on here.”

  “It’s not that,” Guinevere said, staring down. “But you’re right, there’s one more reason I can’t stand you.”

  “Which is?”

  “Do you know why I didn’t look for Gabrielle?” Guinevere asked.

  “I think that’s the twenty-million-dollar question,” I said, looking at her. “I mean, other than the question of how long it’s going to take for NetherRealm Studios to sue us.”

  “Who?”

  “The makers of Mortal Kom….err, never mind. Never explain the joke. Honestly, we need to rip off some other fighting games to be less obvious. If only someone made a fighting game about superheroes and alternate realities merging together. We could rip off that instead.”

  Guinevere felt the bridge of her nose and looked like she’d skipped straight to the hangover portion of her drinking binge. “You, Gary.”

  “Me, what? Is this about my attempt to kill the Four White Dudes?”

  “Wait, what?”

  “The boy band!” I snapped, slamming my hands on the table. “They had to be stopped.”

  “We didn’t look for Gabrielle because of you,” Guinevere said.

  I stopped dead. “What?”

  “Merciful claimed Guinevere had gone into another dimension because she was pregnant with your child and was going to raise them in safety. Having children and grandchildren to my enemies, I was willing to believe she was making the responsible choice.”

  “And you believed him?” I asked, hissing.

  Guinevere stared at me. “The only thing all of us believed about you, whether you were good or evil, was that you would never hurt someone you loved. That trust is the reason why Gabrielle was imprisoned.”

  Wow, there wasn’t much to say to that was there?

  I stared into my empty glass of Blue Milk. “How far along is Gabrielle?”

  “Two months,” Guinevere said.

  “I see,” I said, thinking. “You don’t think I…hurt her when I fought her, did I? I mean, she shouldn’t really be in this tournament in her condition.”

  “She has the Girdle of Nimue,” Guinevere said, staring at her. “It will prevent any damage to her child barring death.”

  I nodded, reassured. “If you’ll excuse me, I have to go talk to her.”

  Guinevere didn’t respond as I left.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  WHERE I DON’T FIND GABRIELLE

  Well, about an hour later, I hadn’t had any luck finding Gabrielle on Hell Island. Admittedly, half an hour had been spent throwing up on the toilet (thank God this island fortress had indoor plumbing) but I’d done a pretty thorough sweep of the place. I did find out G and Jane went on a date before sleeping together (also they did not like to get interrupted), that Mandy had a big pow-wow with all the other vampires on the island, and had an argument with a Chinese girl who kicked the crap out of me.

  In the end, I went to my room for the purposes of getting a good night’s rest before I tackled the next round of this tournament. The room service being as ridiculous as it was, I fully intended to order a few copies of vintage comics as well as a season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 that hadn’t come out yet. I was trying to figure out how to get the door open when I noticed Cindy was coming up behind me with a panda following her. She was carrying a bottle of tequila in one hand and carrying a bag of Mercitos in the other. The only corn chip guaranteed to be 70% as tasty as Doritos at the same price. Sort of like Pepsi and Coke.

  “Hey, Gary,” Cindy said. “You’re missing the barbecue on the beach. This big flaming headed guy is smoking a bunch of dinosaurs for the feast. Apparently, this island has dinosaurs…and they’re delicious!”

  The panda made some noises that sounded strangely like Chinese.

  “Quiet, Ling-Ling,” Cindy said. “I know pandas are herbivores. You could try some new things.”

  “The panda talks?” I asked.

  “Oh quiet, like that’s the weirdest thing we’ve encountered,” Cindy said, nonchalant. “I think he’s either from a Disney movie or was trained by a corporate executive to fight his son he dropped into a canyon.”

  The panda made another noise.

  “Oh, sorry, she,” Cindy said. “I didn’t bother to check. My bad. I guess I need to choose her another name.”

  I continued to look for a keycard or keyhole in the door while playing with the door knob. “Okay, I’m completely stumped. How am I supposed to get into this?”

  “You still haven’t had the orientation?” Cindy asked. “It’s on YouTube and there’s an app for your phone.”

  “No, I was getting drunk!” I said, staring at the wall. “You know, with our dead friend and all.”

  “Oh, that’s understandable,” Cindy said, handing me the tequila bottle. “But I wouldn’t get too worked up about it.”

  “Worked up!?” I asked, appalled.

  “Yeah, we’re going to resurrect him, aren’t we?” Cindy said, shrugging her shoulders. “I mean, we went to elaborate lengths to get Mandy’s soul back and we tried to resurrect Ultragod too. You ended up resurrecting an entire world. That’s in addition to all the zombies and haunted teddy bears that brought back our old villains.”

  I stared at her. “The horrifying thing is everything you just said actually happened.”

  “Even the teddy bear part!” Cindy said.

  “Rowr,” the panda said.

  “Resurrection is not something I can do on command,” I said, raising my hands.

  Cindy got right in my face. “You will resurrect me from the dead when I die. I will accept being a vampiress but want full on human if it’s possible. Immortality is the least thing I should be getting out of working for the frigging Grim Reaper’s bitch.”

  “Wait am I the Grim Reaper or the bitch in this?”

  “Obviously the latter,” Cindy said. “But you’re totally bringing back Diabloman. You don’t have to use your wish to bring him back because I’ve read The Monkey’s Paw. You should wish for godlike powers, or no, to BE a god and one of resurrection. We’re Jewish, we’ve got a heritage of that.”

  “I think that misunderstands what we believe,” I said.

  “Just do it!”

  I sighed. “Yeah, I’ll get Diabloman back. I’m not going to leave him in Hell.”

  “And Cloak too.”

  “He’s ascended to a higher plane of existence. That may be difficult.”

  “Cloning! Alternate Universe double! Kidnap his past self and create a time paradox!”

&nbs
p; “Or reboot the universe,” I said, thinking about the possibilities.

  “What was that?” Cindy asked.

  Yeah, that was a good idea. Well, actually, it was a terrible idea, albeit a good terrible idea. “There’s also something else I feel like you should know.”

  “Which is?” Cindy said, pulling out her cellphone and starting to type into it. “Wow, the reception here is really good. Either Entropicus has really outfitted this place well or I made the right decision upgrading to a better data plan.”

  “Gabrielle is pregnant.”

  Cindy stopped in mid text then started hitting me with the cellphone in the shoulder. “Goddammit, Gary, you frigging man-slut! I knew you couldn’t keep it in your pants!”

  “Ow!” I said, defending myself with my arms as shields.

  “This is why I don’t take you on my sex tourism time travel trips!” Cindy shouted. “I can just imagine you banging Louisa May Alcott!”

  I stopped trying to defend myself and let her bang it against my chest. “Louisa May Alcott? Really? That’s who you’re afraid I’ll have sex with?”

  “Yeah, she has a thing for incredibly handsome yet strangely nerdy guys. I swear it’s all I can do not to duct tape your mouth shut so you can stand there and look pretty. So many guys would be perfect if they were like that.”

  I frowned at her, feeling I was getting objectified. “How do you even know I’m responsible for her pregnancy?”

  Cindy hit me with the cellphone again. “Now you’re calling my bestie a slut! Besides, you have a history of this thing!”

  “A history of what exactly?” I’d asked. I’d only slept around on Mandy when she was dead and in a really dark place plus when Gabrielle had been traumatized but that had been with her permission! Okay, wait, that didn’t sound like a very good defense.

  “A history of infecting women with parasites! You gave me one.”

  “You mean our daughter?” I asked.

  A man in a top hat and Victorian attire with aquiline features walked by us and stared at us.

  “Keep walking, Sherlock! This ain’t none of your goddamn business!” I said, growling at him.

  He threw up his hands and walked by. Which was a smart move in my opinion since I was in no mood to deal with bystanders.

  Cindy took a drink of her tequila. “I mean, yeah, it worked out and it became whatshername—”

  “Leia?” I asked, really hoping this was a joke.

  “Yeah, her,” Cindy said. “But still, you should take responsibility for it.”

  I rubbed my temples. “The times don’t match up. They’re off by a couple of months.”

  “Oh,” Cindy said, deflating. “That does change things a bit.”

  “But time has been screwy,” I said, thinking about the recent compression.

  The panda responded in a rather lengthy set of Chinese.

  “What did she say?”

  “I dunno,” Cindy said, shrugging. “I don’t speak Chinese.”

  “I’m a Japanese panda,” the panda said in English. “I was suggesting the reason time has been so screwy is because of a bunch of time-travelers have been weakening the fabric of the universe. Apparently, some jackasses have been using it to kill Hitler as well as take vacations.”

  Cindy and I looked to the side.

  “Yeah, I don’t buy it,” I said. “There’s lots of indiscriminate time travelers in this town.”

  “Yeah, let’s blame this all on President Omega,” Cindy said, looking over at me.

  “I’m cool with that.”

  Cindy looked back. “So, you could be the father but you don’t know because you’re a cheating bastard.”

  “Mandy said to sleep with her!”

  “You’re blaming your wife now?” Cindy fumed.

  “It’s not a blame situation!” I snapped, dusting myself off.

  “Either way, I’m worried about her.”

  “Well, of course you are,” Cindy said, giving me one last bash on the pants. “You’re full of attachment and can’t let go of your ex-girlfriend—”

  “Fiancé,” I corrected.

  “From a decade ago,” Cindy paused. “Wait, is it a decade ago? How old are we now?”

  “I have no idea,” I said, looking at the panda. “Due to the damage done to the time stream by President Omega of which we are in no way contributors to.”

  The panda, I kid you not, rolled its eyes.

  “Yeah, I care for Gabrielle a great deal,” I said, staring at her. “Just like I care for my childhood friend who became the mother of my child.”

  “That’s me, right?” Cindy asks.

  “Yes, it’s you!” I snapped. “In any case, it’s equally awkward because she said she loved me in the caverns.”

  “Awww,” Cindy said, smiling. “That’s sweet.”

  “And that she didn’t want to share me with anyone else.”

  “That witch!” Cindy said. “To think she can’t into a proper modern relationship.”

  “I’m pretty sure there’s nothing remotely modern about polyamory. If Abraham and Isaac practiced it, you’re very much on the side of traditionalism.”

  “No, it’s modern if the women are also playing around,” Cindy said. “Like my affair with King Arthur.”

  “I would not tell Guinevere about that,” I said.

  Cindy snorted. “Dude was a lot more liberal minded than you think. He and Gawain were closer than you’d think. Also, Lancelot was French propaganda trying to usurp Gawain’s role. Evil, evil French and their Frenchness. Giving us the Statue of Liberty and being such good kissers. It’s a plot I tell you.”

  The panda walked over to the door beside me, put its paw on the door then gently forced it open before walking into my bedroom and flopping down on the floor.

  “Okay, how the hell did it do that?” I asked, looking at the creature and desperate to change the subject.

  “Stay on topic!” Cindy said, growling. “How could Gabrielle even suggest such a thing!”

  “I dunno, most people aren’t into multiple partners?” I said. “Marrying multiple ones is illegal in forty-eight states I remind you.”

  “Eh, so is everything fun. Monogamy, like polygamy, was an invention of the patriarchy. I very much would be willing to be John F. Kennedy’s second wife over Bozo the Clown’s first.”

  “Please tell me I’m John F. Kennedy in this version.”

  “Well, we’re not married, and you’re rich so half and half?” Cindy said, looking like she was trying to figure it out in her head.

  “Thank you so very much,” I muttered.

  “I hope you told her to take a hike back to the Ultraverse.”

  “Not in so many words,” I said, grimacing.

  “Ugh,” Cindy said, feeling her head. “I’m going to have to have a talk with Gabrielle. She’s my friend too and friends don’t stab each other in the back like that. I mean, you pay for like 90% of my impulse buys as well as serve as free babysitting.”

  “You know, it’s sometimes hard to tell whether or not you’re just pretending to be a complete jerk to me or whether you just kind of are.”

  “As Isis the Incredible once told me, the important thing to find in a long-term partner is an emotional stress ball.”

  “First of all, no she didn’t. Second, you made that up right now.”

  “True,” Cindy said. “In any case, Gary, we need to have a sit down. I swear, it’s like you have poor impulse control regarding sleeping with beautiful Amazon women. I mean, if you weren’t getting your needs met, you could have just borrowed some of the Goth girls in Mandy’s harem.”

  Cindy and Mandy had an odd relationship. They weren’t romantically involved with each other, in part due to the fact Cindy was deeply uncomfortable with the blood-letting aspect of vampire sex. Also, well, the fact Mandy was very much dead and that was a major turn off for the doctor turned supervillain. Cindy, however, admired Mandy and wanted to stand by her no matter what since my wife had
died protecting her. Recently, their relationship had been strained, though. Mandy had gotten a lot more extreme in her desire to stamp out crime and Cindy was a lot closer to the supervillain underground than I was. That included friends among several groups and teams which my wife had marked for death. Frankly, Gabrielle being as close as she was to Cindy was a lot more believable these days. Cindy had tagged along on a lot of my dates with Ultragoddess in college and awakened to certain aspects of herself because of Gabrielle. Yeah, they don’t put these sorts of things on superhero trading cards.

  I shook away those sordid thoughts. “Speaking of which, do you know where Mandy is?”

  “Why? You want to try out my suggestion now?”

  I stared at her. “No, I want to tell her about this.”

  “Oh,” Cindy said. “Wow, you actually tell your wife about your illegitimate love sprogs? You are totally failing supervillainy.”

  “I told you!”

  “I’m the mistress, I don’t count. But in any case, Mandy already knows.”

  “Why’s that?” I asked, panicking.

  “She’s behind you,” Cindy said, pointing behind me.

  I looked over my shoulder and saw Mandy was, indeed, standing behind me in a female version of the Nightwalker outfit with a bottled water container full of blood she was sipping from. “Hey, Gary.”

  “What’s with the outfit?” I asked, trying again to deflect the subject.

  “Alternate costume skin DLC,” Mandy said, as if that made sense. “Also, my previous outfit was trashed by our fight. It turns out you can commission any sort of replacement costume you want from the machinery here.”

  “Be careful,” Cindy said. “I heard from one of the participants that a superhero did that during one of his tournaments and got possessed by a giant ink monster. He went on to babble about some guy named Toby Garfield and how he was much better than the current one.”

  “She’s a weird one,” I said, acknowledging things. “Mandy, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  “I’m sorry for ruining your chances to win the wish and fix everything?” Mandy said, clearly more concerned about other topics than I was.