Tournament of Supervillainy

by Phipps, C. T.

  I stared at him. “Listen, I like Malcolm Reynolds and Han Solo as much as the next guy but I’m not betting on them in a battle with Wizard-Satan.”

  “I managed to acquire a Century Box,” Cassius replied, tapping the little device on his shoulder. “It’s provided me with a battle suit that significantly upgrades my combat capacity. I also intend to blast Entropicus from orbit with my starship. That’s in addition to the fact I have a patron who knows how to weaken exploit the tournament’s rules.”

  I tried to think through the implications of what he was saying. “Well, it’s not a terrible plan but it’s still like those fighting video games where everyone is evenly distributed power wise despite the fact some characters should be objectively impossible for others to beat. People can come up with excuses for how the underdog can achieve an upset but it’s stupid rather than cool.”

  Cindy leaned up against the force field holding her in place. “Psst, Gary, isn’t that what we’re doing?”

  “Shut up!” I snapped back. “This is completely different!”

  Jane covered her face. “Oh God, the fate of the universe is in the hands of the world’s biggest dork.”

  “Not world’s biggest,” I said, pausing. “Maybe third or fourth but I’ll never be the world’s biggest as long as Basement Dweller Man and Nerdy Jewish Guy exist.”

  That was when Cassius fired a blast of energy from his sword, which I barely turned insubstantial fast enough to avoid. “Hey! You could hurt someone doing that!”

  “That’s the idea,” Cassius said, sighing. “It’s set on stun but I am fully capable of killing you if it comes to that. Regardless of the consequences.”

  “The consequences being we kill your ass immediately afterward,” Mandy growled, narrowing her eyes. “I like you, Cassius, but you’re not going to be able to hurt my husband even if he’s an incredibly flawed individual who’d rather be married to one of the good guys!”

  “That is not true!” I snapped.

  Mandy lowered her eyes. “I can hear the truth in your voice. You hate the undead and mourn the Mandy I never was.”

  “Get your hearing adjusted!” I snapped, perhaps not taking the ideal path to dealing with her.

  Cassius looked at the shield. “The Century Box has taken control over the Castle of Ultimate Sorrow’s interior workings. You’ll be kept harmless in this location while my crew keeps Entropicus’ cheating bastards busy. Every one of them is willing to make sacrifices to achieve our goal.”

  I stared at him. “You want the wish, no matter the cost.”

  “Correction,” Cassius said. “I want the orbs.”

  “It’s always about men and their balls,” Cindy said.

  Jane and Mandy nodded.

  G rolled his eyes.

  “What do you want to wish for?” I asked, having decided against my reboot plan. Unfortunately, that meant I had no idea what I wanted.

  “My planet back,” Cassius said, simply.

  I blinked. “You got Alderaaned?”

  Cassius frowned as if offended by my comparison. “Yes. Yes, I was. My wife, my people, and my comrades in arms were all killed in a war across the cosmos. With my wish, I’m going to return them to life. No, I’m going to wish the war that killed them never happened.”

  “Good wish,” I said, not joking. “I’m not sure how to phrase my wishing since wishing for more wishes seems like it’d fail and if I wished for unlimited power, I’ll probably end up trapped in a genie bottle.”

  “You’re referencing something I don’t get,” Cassius said.

  “So, no Aladdin in the future but Star Wars is alive and well?” I asked. “I can live with that.”

  “Don’t make me destroy you,” Cassius said, lifting his sword and approaching in a very Darth Vader-esque fashion.

  “You’re not going to destroy me,” I said, completely confident in my conclusions.

  I hadn’t had a chance to talk to Cassius but I actually remembered him now. There had been a story Gabrielle once related about how the Texas Guardians had fallen into a space age world where magic and psychic abilities didn’t exist. The story had helped inspire the crappy SyFy channel movies I’d seen as the historical comic book publishers were shills who’d do tales about anything that smacked of superhero “truth.” One quality that had been demonstrated by the Cassius of those stories was the fact he was a man of his word. The one man who actually had a code of honor in a universe that considered those things ridiculous and stupid. Because, well, codes of honor were ridiculous and stupid. I’d rather be good than honorable. I’d also rather win than be honorable.

  “Surrender and stay alive,” Cassius said, his sword held in a perfectly formed fighting stance.

  “If you wanted me to surrender and were really committed then you would have already won,” I said, rolling my eyes. “But you’re too nice a guy.”

  “Excuse me?” Cassius said, pausing a few steps away.

  “Listen, if you really wanted to get me to surrender then you’d just use the force fields imprisoning my friends against me,” I said, pointing to them. “I’d surrender to avoid you crushing them into paste.”

  “Gary, what are you doing?” Cindy asked, looking at me.

  “Stop helping!” Jane said.

  Mandy, however, just smiled.

  Cassius stared. “This is a very peculiar strategy.”

  “It’s like the easiest way to get superheroes to back down and the one thing that I won’t do,” I said, throwing my hands out. “You’re a soldier and strike me as a fairly honorable sort, despite the fact you tried to nick the orbs without winning the tournament. So, you can’t threaten my loved ones and you have only a small chance of actually beating me.”

  “Wow,” Jane said, staring. “This is the worst plan I have ever heard and we started with your boyfriend defeating the Dark Lord.”

  “Husband,” Mandy said. “For now.”

  “Eh, you’re only married to him until death,” Cindy said. “Afterward, I suggest asking out Aquarius. He’s pretty awesome despite his ‘talk to fish’ power.”

  “Etu, Cindy?” I asked.

  Cindy put her hands over her heart. “I love you Gary, truly, but there’s a reason I keep your will updated to include me as well as Leia. It’s only a matter of time.”

  “I like my chances,” Cassius said, advancing. “Say a prayer to what god you worship.”

  “Or,” I said, taking note my plan wasn’t quite working as well as I’d hoped. “You can join Team Merciless and then when I win the tournament, we proceed to bring your world back on the ten page document I’m going to have my lawyers go over before making a wish on. All I need to do is make it a run-on sentence so I can wish for everything I could possibly want or just wish for everything on my list.”

  Cassius stopped. “Do you think that would work?”

  “Yes,” I lied, offering my hand. “What do you say?”

  “I don’t want to hurt anyone else in my life,” Cassius said, looking down. “I’ve killed far too many over the years.”

  “Thanks,” I said, walking forward then blasting him with my fire powers. “Sudden but inevitable betrayal!”

  “What the hell, Gary!?” Mandy asked.

  “Villain!” I said, chuckling.

  That was when Cassius got up, unharmed, and charged. I turned insubstantial but a glowing field encircled his proton sword and caused it to pass through my flesh anyway. I was impaled through the back and started to bleed out onto his arms.

  “Ah, dammit,” I muttered.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  WHERE I DON’T DIE BECAUSE THIS IS MY STORY

  Well, I wasn’t dead. That was a good sign. Mind you, I had earlier boasted about not being afraid of death. It wasn’t true. I think everyone who says they’re not afraid of death is lying, even if they had proof positive it wasn’t something to be afraid of like I did.

  For example, I could have just been hallucinating Death during our frequent encount
ers or it might have been a sufficiently advanced alien taking advantage of my desire to see a Grim Reaper who could usher the souls of the dead to distant shores where they might be cared for. Sort of like some near-death experiences were actual visions of the other side and others were dreams you had while high on anesthesia.

  The truth was, though, I didn’t want to die. I had lived a life that was full of amazing moments but they’d mostly happened in the last few years. Dying here, at Cassius’ hand, seemed to be something of an anti-climax to it all but I supposed that was to be expected. Death was rarely someone who actually took you when you wanted her to.

  The Nightwalker had died of a heart attack fighting three muggers after defeating everything from Great Beasts to the Laughing Wizard. Ultragod had died at the hands of Merciful, a man who only managed to shoot him with an ultranium bullet because of our dubious friendship. Guinevere, Stephen, and Diabloman didn’t deserve to be killed as signs Entropicus wasn’t to be screwed around with.

  In fact, I had an uncle I’d never met named Jerry Karkofsky. He had been my father’s older brother. Jerry had been the golden boy of my father’s family and a United States Marine. Both my father and he had signed up to fight in the Second Vietnam War not out of a desire to be heroes but just because they’d thought it was their patriotic duty. There had been pictures of Jerry on our mantelpiece, in my father’s study, and I’d grown up hearing plenty of stories about the guy. He’d been a great football player, a straight A student, a ladies man, and apparently knew how to play guitar.

  However, none of these stories had ever involved the war where my father had distinguished himself. I’d found out, one night, when dad had been loaded after a failed parole hearing for my brother Keith (he’d broken out of prison with the help of the Nefarious Nine). Jerry had died during one of his first patrols, killed by friendly fire, because the guy fighting beside him had panicked and opened fire on one of their fellow Marine groups approaching. All of Jerry’s potential had vanished in a moment and my father had learned the lesson “heroes” rarely got to be rewarded for their bravery because it was the survivors who wrote the tales of them. At the end of every battle were ignominious endings to what had once been living stories of people who someone, somewhere loved.

  As I lay there, a huge hole in my chest from where Cassius stabbed me, I found myself realizing this kind of reminiscing was probably going to get me killed. Why did I always get philosophical whenever I was close to death? Dammit, I needed to be actively trying not to die during those times!

  Summoning my remaining breath, I shouted, “Listen, jackass, I haven’t accepted your challenge and the tournament is over so killing me doesn’t help!”

  I had no idea if that was true but I imagined if I died here then Entropicus wouldn’t mind. As arbitrator of the tournament, he probably would judge me a forfeit and declare himself the winner by default. That was the benefit of being the guy who made the rules, you could usually break them with impunity and Entropicus had repeatedly proven himself to be a cheating bastard.

  “I’m actually trying to heal you,” Cassius said, lifting his Century Box. “I don’t want you dead, Gary, I just want to save billions.”

  He then, reluctantly, pulled out the sword and used the Century Box to seal up the wound. Century Boxes were things that had shown up repeatedly in the conflict between Entropicus, Abaddon, and the Earth. They were apparently tools from the realm of the Ultranians, people who worshiped the Ultraforce, and could do just about anything related to matter as well as energy manipulation. Within reason. The Century Boxes had many limitations but what they were was a mystery to me. They were sort of like Star Trek technology in that they could reverse your D.N.A from being an iguana but apparently not cure blindness.

  In seconds, I was alright again. “Thank you, man, I appreciate that.”

  “You’re wel—” Cassius started to say before I punched him in the face. It was like punching a brick wall. Apparently, humans in the future made extensive use of either bio-engineering or cybernetics and that was cheating.

  Cassius was about to rebuke me when I grabbed his sword and started swinging it around at him. I managed to climb to my feet and continued to take swings at him while he moved back and forth.

  “Oh for God’s sakes,” Cassius muttered as I ineffectually tried to assault him with a weapon I’d never used before. “Wait, is this a challenge?”

  “No, it’s an attempted murder!” I said, swinging again.

  Cassius sidestepped one of the attacks and grabbed the sword before sheathing it. “No, because if you were doing that, you’d use your powers against me.”

  “That and I like swinging around lightsaber-esque weapons,” I said, frowning. “Listen, who put you up to this insane scheme since it is clear your heart is not in it. You only stabbed me because I attacked you.”

  “Why did you do that again?” Cassius asked. “I thought we had a deal.”

  “Villain!”

  Cassius’ expression told me he didn’t find my statement to be the least bit funny. “I grew up on a world ruled by a fascist dictatorship and genetically-engineered nobility. The whole idea of playing a pantomime villain for laughs isn’t really amusing to me.”

  “This is the world you want to bring back?”

  Cassius shrugged. “Not the dictators but the people under them.”

  I could understand that. “The offer is still on the table but only if you tell me who gave you the Century Box.”

  My question was answered by the wall to the castle being smashed down before Guinevere, alive and unstoned, was smashed through it by Gabrielle. The two of them were having an old fashioned, knockdown, drag out fight between superheroes that used to be common. That was back when superheroes were actually friends, ironically, and yet still always seemed to end up having throwdowns. Now, ironically, they mostly just scowled at each other since it seemed no heroes really liked each other anymore.

  “Her,” Cassius said, pointing to the dueling women.

  “Guinevere!” I shouted, pointing at her. “I know you don’t like me but this is just low! How could you frigging set up an attempt to take my place in the tournament.”

  “You witch!” Mandy shouted.

  “Actually, no, I meant Ultragoddess,” Cassius said, pointing at her.

  “Wait, what?” I said, doing a double take.

  “Run away, Gary! She’s gone Fatal Attraction!” Cindy shouted. “If she can’t have you, no one can!”

  Guinevere looked over at Cindy in sheer confusion before Gabrielle knocked her across the room into the wall, effectively ending the fight. “It’s not like that Gary. I gave Cassius the Century Box with explicit instructions to goad you into a fight so you could be defeated and your place usurped.”

  “That’s what we just said!” I said.

  “But that you weren’t to be harmed!” Gabrielle said, wrapping Cassius up in glowing fist and squeezing him. “I was explicitly clear about that.”

  “Why the hell would you do that?” I asked, genuinely stunned she’d betray me like that.

  “Because she doesn’t want the father of her child to be killed,” Cassius said, pausing. “Because Entropicus cannot be defeated by you.”

  “And you think you have the ability? That is some brass balls there, Star Lord,” Jane said, shaking her head.

  “Star Count,” Cassius corrected. “That’s the name they’ve started referring to me as.”

  “Say one lightsaber, ah-ah, two lightsabers, ah-ah,” Cindy said in an exaggerated Transylvanian voice.

  “No,” Cassius said, struggling against the glowing fingers of his prison.

  “I have a plan,” Gabrielle said, looking at me. “But yes, Cassius is expendable, while you’re not.”

  I looked over at Cassius. “Are you okay with that?”

  “There is a word for a soldier who doesn’t prepare himself for death in the line of duty,” Cassius said, looking over at me with a stone cold empty expression.
“Fool.”

  “And what about her?” I asked, pointing at Guinevere. “You stayed dead for like fifteen minutes!”

  Guinevere took a deep breath and picked herself up off the ground. “Knowing the entire world was at stake, I fought my way out of Arawn the Celtic God of Death’s realm in order to rejoin this group. I then decided I needed to make sure Gabrielle didn’t make a terrible mistake by threatening the multiverse’s best hope for victory.”

  “Thank you,” I said, touched.

  “I meant herself,” Guinevere said. “Since Entropicus is going to win the tournament, that means we need to have a backup plan involving the entire Society moving against him before he can make his wish.”

  I sighed. “Man, no one believes in me, do they?”

  “I believe in you, Gary,” Jane said, looking at me with sincere faith in her eyes. “Like, all of these people are from your universe so that means this has to be your comic. If it was my comic, it’d be littered with my supporting cast.”

  “Thanks, I think,” I said, looking at her. “I’m totally buying you a salt lick after this.”

  “That’s racist,” Jane said. “Also, accepted.”

  “Well, I have a decent chance against him,” I said, crossing my arms.

  “You just got stabbed by Cassius,” Gabrielle said. “That is not a good sign since the whole point of my replacing him with you is that he’d be underestimated.”

  I walked over to Cassius and stole his Century Box, causing his futuristic gear to vanish before attaching it to my shoulder, causing the Reaper’s Cloak to gain a bunch of blue Tron lines as I felt the Ultraworld technology alter my body to be the best version of itself. I could feel years of fast food, general neglect, and drinking vanish along with the micro-polyps from living in Falconcrest City’s hellhole. Honestly, it was amazing I looked as good as I did despite all that. The Century Box also increased my magical output by several manifolds, providing me genuine invulnerability and flight to go along with my fire as well as ice powers. I could even turn insubstantial enough to avoid magical attacks like the kind that normally could stab me. I was powerful now.