Absolution

by S. Kirkpatrick

  What. The. Fuck.

  My brain is spinning with each new confession. Spinning with the force of coming to terms with the fucking saint Liz truly is, with the heartless monster I’ve built her up to be in my head.

  “Remi’s biggest concern right now isn’t about staying alive, it’s about you. How much you’re going to miss out on when it comes to Oaklynn. She’s so mad at me right now, she’ll barely even speak to me. I know she understands why I did what I did, just like I understand that it doesn’t mean she has to like the decision I had to make. So, no matter how long it takes until the two, no the three of you get to be together again, I want to make sure that you don’t have to miss it all. Better late than never, right? I want it make it up to you as best as I can. I hope what follows helps ease the pain, even if only a little. I’m truly sorry for LA, Brody. I hope in time you can believe that and forgive Remi. I know she’ll hide this from you until her war is over. I know when the truth comes out, you’ll be upset and confused. I hope this helps with that.”

  The video cuts off and I feel panicky, desperate for more of whatever is hiding inside the rest of the videos. More information, more answers, more of what I’ve missed out on. I scramble to get to the next DVD, impatient as it loads. What greets me on the screen has me tearing up before I can stop myself.

  Remi. Big and pregnant. Oaklynn kicking so fiercely inside her Mommy’s stomach that I can see it from the outside.

  “She’s almost ready to come out.” Liz’s voice calls out, laughing from behind the camera I’m assuming. You can tell she’s trying to hide the camera from Remi, wanting to capture the scene in private, not letting Remi know she’s being recorded.

  Remi’s face looks sad, defeated. Broken.

  “It’s not time yet. Brody should be here.”

  My hands come up to cover my mouth, not wanting Oaklynn to hear the sobs that I know are going to come out of me at any moment.

  “Have you decided on a middle name yet?”

  The sob I knew was coming gets choked up in the back of my throat as if waiting to hear Remi’s answer. I was so focused on making present-day memories with my daughter in the last week since I’ve had her, that I didn’t even realize I never got told her middle name. Before Remi left LA, we still hadn’t decided on it.

  “Rosalind.” Remi whispers, her hand rubbing the top of her belly. “Brody’s grandpa’s name was Oakley which is why we decided to name her Oaklynn. He was the funniest old man I’ve ever met. He loved and accepted me the moment he met me.”

  Remi looks away from Liz, leaving only her profile showing, glowing in the light of the setting sun around her. Her voice takes on a somber, yet wistful tone as she explains to Liz, and now to me, why she chose my grandmother’s name to give to our daughter.

  “Oakley would tell Brody stories about his wife when he was growing up. Stories about a wild bird named Rosalind that would blow away with the wind, leaving a single feather behind each time that she left. After years of flight, one day, the bird grew sick and used the last bit of her strength to fly home to the man she loved. Not long after she returned, the sickness consumed her and took her in her sleep, shedding the last of her feathers in her husband’s arms where she laid her head the night before.”

  “Oaklynn Rosalind Cummings. It’s beautiful, Rem.”

  Remi ignores her comment, starring down at her belly. Her hands take turns between rubbing her stomach and wiping her tears. Silence creeps over the screen, but the video never stops.

  When Remi finally breaks the silence, she says the words that I didn’t even realize I needed to hear from her lips. Words that break the last of my resistance, the last of my anger toward her.

  “One day I’ll forgive you, Liz. One day I won’t be mad anymore. But not today. Today I’m still angry. Today I’m still trying to figure out how many more feathers I can shed before I no longer have the strength to fly home to the man I love.”

  The sob I was choking back breaks out of my throat, scraping a painful track of guilt as it bursts out of me. I don’t know how I could let my own anger override my judgment. I don’t know how I was able to so quickly assume that Remi intentionally hurt me by keeping Oaklynn away for all of these years.

  I know it might sound ridiculous, but I needed to see this. I needed this little slice of truth. I needed it more than any of the other truths Remi’s given me.

  It’s one thing to hear someone defend their actions, or their lack of choice, after the fact. When so much time has passed, when the ability to hold them accountable is taken away from you.

  But to see this video now… To see how hurt, upset, and angry Remi was when it was all happening… To know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that she didn’t have a choice and that she didn’t want this. That she didn’t want to hurt me or hide any more truths from me.

  Fuck, Liz was right. It’s absolution. For Remi. For me. For us. This is what I needed to see to see so that I could put all the bullshit in the past behind us and move forward. To build a real life together. One where Remi doesn’t run. One where Oaklynn is by our side. A future where it’s just the three of us for as long as Remi decides to love my sorry ass.

  I just have to hope I’m not too late.

  I glue myself to my TV screen, watching as many of the DVDs as I can, soaking in as much as I possibly can, wanting to commit every second to memory.

  I watch my daughter being born, taking her first steps, saying her first words. I watch as Liz secretly captures moments that I couldn’t be a part of, knowing that one day I’d get to see them. That one day I’d need to see them.

  I watch the love of my life, the woman I’ve wrongfully demonized, show pictures of me to our daughter and explain that one day, we can be together again. I watch as Remi cuddles Oaklynn, telling her stories of our time together as she runs her fingers through Oaklynn’s raven black hair to get her to go to sleep.

  I watch as Remi cries herself to sleep numerous times, clutching a photo of the two of us to her chest, in the dead of night, when Oaklynn can’t hear her pain.

  I watch as Liz tries to bribe Oaklynn to wear the pretty dress for Easter, rather than another Dustin Ackley jersey. My stubborn daughter still sports the same wrinkly face when she disapproves of something. Especially something overly girly.

  I watch as the woman I love, and don’t fucking deserve, be forced to be a single parent all while fighting for her life. I see video after video of her coming home with fresh wounds, scars, and bruises, pretending that it doesn’t hurt when Oaklynn launches herself into her mother’s arms.

  With each tear that falls from my eyes, with each video, each memory I get to witness, I see everything I missed out on. All while it tears Remi apart little by little when she thought no one was watching.

  I don’t get to watch all of the videos before it’s almost time to go wake up Oaklynn and get her ready for the day. But I do find a letter at the bottom of the black box, my name scrawled on the top in unfamiliar handwriting.

  Brody,

  I hope by now you’ve watched the videos and you know the truth. I hope you can find a way to make peace with Remi. I hope that now you can move forward, stop punishing her, and love her in the way she not only deserves, but in the way she needs. A way she’s never been loved before.

  I know life hasn’t been fair to you, Remi, and little Oaklynn, but I want you to know that I took care of your girls as best I could. I loved them with every part of me. I protected them, no matter the cost. Even if you were the one who had to pay that price. I wish I could tell you that I was sorry for the pain you’ve endured at my hands, but it would be a lie. Because I did what I did to ensure that one day you could all be together again. And I will never be sorry for that.

  I know you’re wondering where your daughter has been the last three years, especially when Remi was leading her uncle and his goons away. The answer is complicated, but I hope I can explain it in a way that makes sense.

&
nbsp; I have a friend in the CIA. A friend who I would trust with my own life. A friend that has proven worthy of my trust time and time again. Her name is Maggie. When Oaklynn was born, I turned to Maggie for help. I couldn’t trust anyone in the FBI by that point and I felt way in over my head. I couldn’t protect them on my own anymore.

  Maggie helped me hide Oaklynn in the system. We started by giving her an alias from day one. Oaklynn’s case was technically a CIA case, but Maggie pulled some strings to make it look like I was her handler, when in fact, she was. It was a difficult bait and switch, but we made it work.

  We created Oaklynn a WitSec profile, but we lied about everything to keep her safe from untrustworthy agents that we knew were lurking. We created a case for a baby boy and lied about who his parents were and where they were. We tried to set traps, planning on taking out whoever came for the fictional baby boy, but thankfully no one ever found out.

  Oaklynn has been living with Maggie this whole time, living as much of a normal life as we could provide. Anytime Remi wasn’t on the run, she got to go stay with Maggie too, where she could be with Oaklynn. I stayed with them as often as I could, but I couldn’t stay for long. All of us in one spot for longer than a few hours felt a lot like tempting fate.

  The day I got discharged from the hospital, I got a call from Maggie’s attorney. Two days after she sent Oaklynn off to come home and be with her parents… She was murdered in her home.

  Brutally.

  I’ve never seen anything like that before, Brody. The things they did to her… They’re unspeakable.

  Whoever it was, they ransacked her house and cracked all of her files… They know the truth that we fought so hard to hide all of these years. For the first time, someone knows the truth about Oaklynn.

  Maggie found out who the leak was. That’s what got her killed. Before she died, she tried to contact me, to tell me. To warn me. But when she couldn’t reach me, she called her attorney, knowing he would get the information to me. The FBI leak we’ve been trying to find all this time… They’re coming to Deacon Hill. They’re planning to attack at my dad’s funeral. They’re coming not just for Remi, but for Oaklynn too.

  I’ve got a plan, one that will ensure the leak is taken care of once and for all, and one that ensures you and Remi will finally be free. Forever. It’s risky, I know that, but I can’t see another way to do this and still keep you all safe.

  But I need your help, Brody. I’m passing you the baton. It’s your turn to love and protect these girls unconditionally. And I hate to say it, but it starts with you keeping a secret for a change. I need you to not say anything to Remi until after it’s all said and done. She’s had enough to worry about since she was 6 years old. She deserves to be done with it all. To stop being the one to make sacrifices.

  Don’t let her go to the funeral. Don’t let her put herself in harm’s way ever again. I don’t want her last memories of my father, her father, to be watching him getting lowered into the dirt. I want her to spend today remembering the good times she had with my dad. A man who considered himself her dad too.

  Inside the backpack, you’ll find a compilation of memories that you’ve missed out on the last three years. Lots of videos and even more photos. Maggie and I tried to capture it all for you. You’ll also find a manila envelope with an address, directions, and a key. It’s an old hunting cabin that has no ties to me or my family on paper, but it’s the safest place for her and Oaklynn to be today. I made sure all of the home videos of me, my dad, and Remi are there, along with the photos of the two of them that I’ve snagged over the years. Take her there today. Let her drown her sorrow in good memories while I take care of the leak once and for all.

  I wish you three all the happiness in the world. No one in history has ever deserved a happily ever after more than the two of you do.

  Love her. Cherish her. Protect her.

  Tell Oaklynn I will always love her.

  -Lizzy.

  “Daddy?” A sleepy-voiced Oaklynn has me damn near jumping off of the bed.

  “Hey, Hummingbird. I didn’t hear you wake up.”

  Can she hear the panic in my voice?

  “I get to play with Nana today!” She squeals, flapping her little arms in the air with glee.

  “Well let’s get you dressed so you can go see Nana and Pop-Pop.”

  “Nana say we make our own eyescream today!”

  I laugh to myself, knowing how excited my mom is to have a grandchild to dote on and a little girl to teach all the fun girly things to. She’s struggling to convince Oaklynn to dress like a girl, but that’s a battle I doubt she’ll win any time soon. My daughter is happiest in a baseball jersey and tennis shoes. You’d be hard-pressed to get her in a dress and a hair bow, much to my mother’s dismay.

  “That sounds yummy. You’ll have to save me some.”

  I try my hardest to keep the worry and the other twelve thousand emotions swirling throughout my body, from being visible to my perceptive little hummingbird. She’s an empath through and through. But I can tell she’s picking up on some of it. The way she side-eyes me while I struggle to put her hair in a decent ponytail after I’ve had several lessons with Max, Bree, and Sonya.

  “You otay, Daddy?”

  I put so much energy into my smile, trying to reassure her, but I’m pretty sure it looks more maniacal than anything resembling normalcy.

  “Just a little sad for today. Saying goodbye is never easy.”

  I tried to explain to her what today was, what a funeral was, because she’s as inquisitive as I am, asking a million questions. But trying to explain death to a three-year-old isn’t as easy as you might think.

  “I said goodbye to Maggie and got to come to you. Sometimes goodbye is a good thing.”

  The wisdom of a three-year-old is honestly kind of alarming. As painful as it is to say goodbye to Henry, I know that it means Oaklynn gets to move forward with a normal life. A life where she has both of her parents and won’t wake up one day in more danger. Silver linings sound like a great way to focus on the positives in life, but at the end of the day, there’s always a negative behind one.

  “Let’s get you in the car before Nana comes and hunts us down.”

  Oaklynn giggles, the musical sound calming some of my frayed nerves for the moment.

  It’s hard to pretend like everything is fine and dandy when I know my daughter’s life is in danger. I haven’t even been able to get in touch with Remi and decide what the fuck we’re going to do yet. All I know is that I can’t keep this secret from her. I won’t be the hypocrite that thinks ‘oh my secret is different.’ This won’t work between us unless we’re 100% honest with each other at all times.

  And I refuse to make choices about our daughter, her safety, and well-being, without informing her mother of the danger lurking around the corner.

  I can’t be that guy. I won’t.

  Not only does Oaklynn deserve better than that, but Remi does too.

  Now I just have to figure out how the hell we keep our daughter safe from the enemy we don’t even know.

  Whoever said parenting was easy, was a damn liar.

  This is the hardest shit I’ve ever done.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Remi

  The clock reads 9:45am and I’m just not ready for this day.

  I keep telling myself that at some point, I will find the strength to get out of this bed. At some point, the tears will dry, the memory of Henry dying in front of my eyes will be replaced with better memories of our past. Memories that I can share with everyone at the funeral when I deliver his eulogy.

  At some point, once everyone has left the gravesite, Liz and I will give ourselves permission to break down together, just the two of us. At some point, we will have to discuss what happens next. The bar, Henry’s belongings, his house.

  No. No, I can’t do this. I can’t say goodbye. I can’t let them drop him in the dirt like some kind of human
compost. I just… I can’t do it.

  With quick movements that my body protests against, shooting pain through every extremity, I stumble out of bed, sprinting to Liz’s room.

  “Liz. Lizzy, open up. I can’t do this. I’m not ready.”

  I cry outside of her door, knowing how selfish it is of me to cry to her that I’m not ready to say goodbye to her father.

  What kind of insensitive asshole am I?

  “Lizzy, let me in.”

  When silence greets me again, the hair on the back of my neck stands up, letting me know that something is most definitely not right. My intuition is rarely ever wrong when it comes to sensing danger or at the very least, something being off.

  Warning bells are sounding in my brain like a thousand car alarms in the dead of night.

  Liz hasn’t been sleeping well lately, and on top of that, she’s a very light sleeper. I think it comes with the territory of being an FBI agent. Always on alert, always ready.

  Especially when you’re protecting someone like me. Someone who always has monsters climbing out of the woodwork to take her out and drop her in the ground.

  When silence continues to greet me, I try wiggling the doorknob, unease drifting through me when I find that it’s locked. Liz never locks her door, not even after the attack.

  “Lizzy, open the door or I’ll break it down!” I scream, giving her one last opportunity to try and convince me that something isn’t horribly, horribly wrong right now.

  When silence greets me yet again, I run back to my room, grab my gun, and shoot the lock off of her bedroom door. Let’s be honest here, I’m not currently in the physical condition necessary to break down a door.

  When I burst through the door I find her bed empty. With the sheets pulled up, blanket turned down, and decorative pillows propped up with perfection, it looks as if she never even laid down in it. A warm Carolina breeze whips through the room, lightly swaying her curtains back and forth, showing me in no uncertain terms that her window is wide open.