Dare to Dream

by C. J. Welles

  I look back to him as he paces back and forth. He stops then settles his eyes on me. “Angel,” he says gruffly, then sighs. “Sorry. I’m just having a hard time, trying to take in the whole thought of someone doing that to you. Just give me a minute.” I watch him as he paces again.

  When he eventually sits down I begin to talk again. “I remember the first-time Martin abused me. Before then he would just brush against me unnecessarily and I would see him leering at my breasts and ass a lot. He would just stare at me all the time, and it made me uncomfortable. There were times I would be out in the pool and he would sit out there just watching me. One time I waited for thirty minutes in the pool just for him to leave so I could get out. When he still hadn’t left, I got out anyway. I was starting to freeze. As I got out, he walked to the pool steps and handed me my towel and brushed his hand between my legs. I jumped away and stared at him hard. I didn't know what to do or say. I was so shocked and uncomfortable being near him.” I feel Jace’s whole body tense. He is so wound up, I’m worried he will blow up soon.

  “Obviously, I knew what sex was and all, but I didn't know what to say or do with what he did. I didn't like it at all. I was still a virgin, back then, and I hadn’t let anyone touch me like that. But he thought he just had the right to. When I stood there still staring at him, he playfully laughed then walked inside. I said to mom about it and she said I was just causing trouble.”

  I remember being so confused and angry at him and my mother. I knew she hated me, but I always had a little hope that there was some love there for me. That day though, all hope was lost. That day I hated my mother in return.

  “It was a month later, just before my fifteenth birthday that he first abused me. I was having a shower downstairs in the pool house.” I didn't dare walk into the main house wet or dirty. If I made a mess mom would scold me and make me clean the whole place. And that place was a mansion. “I had been home alone all day like always so hadn't closed the doors. I had just got out of the shower and was getting dressed in the bedroom when he walked in. I gasped and pulled the towel closed tightly around me. He walked towards me and I paced backward until he had me against the wall.”

  I pause and take a minute before continuing. “He stepped up to me and pinned me to the wall with his hips, as I went to scream he shoved his tongue into my mouth. I tried pushing him away, but he was stronger than me. He pushed his hand between us and tried pushing his fingers inside me. He eventually gave up and pulled away when I managed to slap him. Then all he did was chuckle and say ‘Don't be like that. I know you want it.’” The sound of his evil chuckle. I can still remember it today. The way it made my whole-body cringe.

  “I wanted to vomit, and bile rose in my mouth. He made me sick and I felt like I was dirty. I was absolutely horrified by what he had done and how he could even imagine I wanted it. I had never done anything to make him think that. When he walked out of the room, my legs gave out and I crumpled to the floor against the wall.” I was too stunned and shocked to move. All I could do was feel upset and I cried for an hour.

  “It was later that night when he came into my room for the first time. I was fast asleep when I felt something heavy on top of me. I woke up and he was laying on top of me. I started to scream, and he held his hand over my mouth. I tried to scream again but nothing came out. He told me if I screamed when he removed his hand he would punch me and make my life hell.”

  I get up and walk back a forth in front of Jace. I need a minute. Talking about this fucks with my head. All the memories I try to keep hidden, all the feelings and pain I used to feel. It’s all getting too much.

  Jace doesn’t try to comfort me. I think he knows I need time. And I’m fucking grateful for it, if he was to touch me now I would break down and not get another word out. I need to get this all out. I need him to know my past. Even though it’s traumatic to voluntarily remember everything, it does feel better. It feels as though I am trying to remove the devil from my mind. It feels like I am passing the burden on to him and I can be relieved of it for a while.

  “He then proceeded to pull my sleep shorts down. He sat back on his heels and looked at me with his dirty eyes. I felt humiliated. The way he looked at me with hunger in his eyes was disgusting. He inserted his fingers into my vagina and pushed them in and out. It hurt like hell and I didn't want him doing it. I cried the whole time and asked him to stop but he wouldn't.” The look of determination on his face still revolts me.

  I can hear Jace behind me muttering something about ‘kill him’ and ‘dead man’ but I don’t look at him. I can’t while I say all of this. I need to feel alone to get it out.

  “He pulled his pants down and jacked off as he fingered me. He told me to watch him, but I couldn’t. I was upset and terrified, I didn’t want to look at him.” I don’t see why he would think I would have wanted to. Fuck, I didn’t want to be there let alone watch it. “When I kept my eyes closed tight and refused to watch, he started being rough. I screamed out. I had never felt pain like it before. He let go of his penis and slapped me across the face. I was so stunned I stopped crying, screaming and fighting. I had never been hit before. Christ, I had never had anything like this happen before. Fifteen minutes later I watched as he came all over his stomach.” It was the worst thing I had ever seen and been through. Once he left my room, I stumbled to my bathroom and vomited.

  I stop pacing when I hear Jace roar out behind me. His voice is so deadly and thick with pain and anger I don’t hear all of what he says. He walks off and I stand there watching him. He walks down to the dam and looks out over the water.

  “I’m sorry, Angel. You need to give me some time to calm the fuck down. I’m having a hard time listening, to you telling me how a man treated you. Treated my girlfriend. It’s sickening to hear. I can’t process any man doing that to any girl. But to you, Angel, it’s too fucking much.”

  I mutter a sorry as I walk up behind him. “Don’t be sorry. Don’t you ever be sorry. This ain’t on you, Angel. It’s all on that sick bastard.” I nod, not knowing what to say. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and twists me in front of him before pulling me to his chest. Wrapping his big arms around me makes me feel like I am home. I am right where I need to be, here in his arms.

  Pulling back, he looks into my eyes. “You continue when you’re ready to, baby. I should be worried about you, not going off in an angry rant.”

  “Okay,” I whisper. I can do this, even though it is going to hurt him more. Repeating ‘I can do this’ over and over in my head, I begin talking again.

  “I just wanted to dig a hole and bury myself. I wished and prayed it was all a dream and I would wake up from it, but it wasn’t. When I stripped off to have a shower there was blood between my legs. When I washed, it hurt so badly and there were bruises between my legs from him.” I learned that the bruises soon fade. The scars in my heart and soul don’t though. I still have those bruises and scars today.

  “Over the next two and a half years it only got worse. He would put his fingers inside me and pinch my nipples as he got off nearly every day. Several times he made me do it to him until he came. I hated the sight of him, every time he entered my room I wanted to die. His voice made me cringe, the number of times I had to listen to him groan and grunt as he got off was horrible.” I can still hear his voice inside my head now as I tell Jace. His voice haunts me in my dreams.

  “The worst was when he gave me a black eye from punching me one day. I was in the entertainment room watching a movie and he came in and told me not to move as he pulled his pants down and told me to suck his dick. By now I knew if I didn't listen he would hurt me somehow. I lost count of the times he'd slap me or hold a pillow over my head until I stopped struggling.” God, he even took photos of me naked and said if I told anyone he would put them on the Internet. He was such a vile and evil man.

  “This day, I refused to do it and he tried shoving his dick in my mouth, but I protested and kept my lips tightly shut, trying to pus
h him away. It was then he pulled his fist back and punched me. I was so shocked and in pain, that I didn't even cry. He held his disgusting dick in one hand and held my head still with the other, by holding his hand around my throat. He shoved it into my mouth and started to fuck me like that. I cried through every minute of it and gagged so many times I lost count. Eventually, he pulled out and shot his come all over my face.” I spent an hour in the shower, scrubbing my skin until I couldn't handle it anymore.

  I felt worthless and hated. I didn't leave my room for a week. I couldn’t look at anyone or be near anyone.

  “Over the next six months, it was the same. I tried telling my mother so many times. But she never believed me. My grades dropped as I stopped going to school as often. I didn't eat, and my weight was dangerously low. I was one hundred and twenty pounds when I was fifteen. When I left the hell hole I was down to ninety-five pounds.”

  “How could your mother not believe you? What kind of a mother doesn’t listen to her daughter when she says something like that? How sick in the head is she?” Jace asks.

  A mother who only cares for herself. That’s who.

  “She hated me. She said I was only trying to get her attention.”

  “That’s a lame excuse. I don’t give a fuck how much you hate someone, you do not let that happen.” Considering she liked to pretend I didn’t exist, I doubt she cared. I know she didn’t care.

  He pulls me back into his chest and I wrap my arms around his waist.

  This is the hardest part to get out. Day after day I remember every single detail of what happened. I have wished time and time again that I could go back to this day and kill myself before it happened. People say suicide is only for cowards, but sometimes I wish I was a coward. But to be honest, I did contemplate and try to kill myself. But I could never follow through with it.

  “The last day I lived in that house of hell I wish I could wipe from my memory.” He broke me this night. It was the night that finally sent me to Dallas, where I become a dirty whore. “He’d obviously had enough of playin’ around with me. I was lying on my bed watching Arrow. It was the night before my eighteenth birthday.” It's why I haven't celebrated a birthday for the past four years.

  “He shoved his fingers in me first while he played with himself. I don’t know how long I laid there for, but suddenly, he was between my legs and pinning me down as he held his hands around my throat. I thought I was going to die and some days I wish I had of died. Dying would have been better than what he did. He shoved my legs apart and raped me. When he was finished, he took a photo then said, ‘So I will remember this moment.’ He hadn’t even left the room this time before I rolled to my side and vomited.” I curled up into a ball and cried for hours. Between my legs burned so badly, I thought I was on fire. I wanted to go shower and clean his smell off my body and I could feel his discharge between my legs, but I just laid there and wept until I eventually fell asleep.

  I can feel Jace’s body trembling around me. Every muscle is tense “The next morning when I woke there was still vomit on my sheets and blood as well. I had bruises all over my hips and the tops of my legs from him. I tried-”

  “ENOUGH!” Jace roars out and I flinch. “Enough. I cannot hear any more.” I can feel him starting to squish me in his arms, I know he’s not doing it on purpose.

  He pushes me back and storms to Brock before getting on and riding off. I really want to be pissed off at him for leaving me, but I get it. I’ve had years to process everything. It’s a big thing for someone to sit and listen to.

  This is why I have never told anyone.

  ∞∞∞

  Chapter 19

  Jace

  I COUNLD’T DO it anymore. I couldn’t sit there and listen to everything that fucking asshole had done to her. The things she said, every word she said, broke my heart. The things she went through, I can’t imagine it.

  Callie is beautiful, kind and loving. How could anyone do that to her? To my little Angel? Thinking about it makes me more pissed off. I ride and ride, not knowing where I am going. I just need to feel free.

  I need to forget that last night I turned my back on her. She tried to explain to me, she said she didn’t do her job anymore. But I still fucked her over. I let my anger overrule any other feelings. I should have listened to her.

  And now today I find out how she grew up, about the sick hell she lived in. No fucking wonder she did the job she did. She grew up being abused and having a man think he could do whatever he wanted to her. She has never had a man respect her in the past, they’ve only used her for her body. Of course, it would fuck with her head.

  It fucks with my head and I didn’t even go through it. I’ve never felt so much anger in my life compared to how I feel about her step-father. He will one day wish he was dead. I will make sure of it.

  I don’t realize where I am heading or what I am thinking, but when I reach The Miller’s driveway, I know who I am going to pay a visit too.

  Bryson was a fuckhead, how he talked to Callie last night. He should have kept his mouth shut. I can’t believe I listened to him and let what was said control my actions like it did.

  Stopping in front of their house I jump off Brock and pound up the steps and along the porch. Just before I reach the door Bryson walks out. He goes to talk but I guess the look I have on my face stops him.

  “I should’ve kicked your fuckin’ ass last night,” I yell.

  I know I am directing my anger in the wrong direction, but I’m fucking pissed for how he talked to and treated Callie. “You should’ve kept your mouth shut. All you did is cause problems for Callie and me.”

  “I didn’t cause problems, I just helped her along to tell you the truth. Don’t you think you have a right to know,” he yells back.

  “But it was Callie’s life story to tell, not yours. It should’ve come from her when she was ready. I’ve just spent the past two hours hearing shit, which no boyfriend ever wants to hear. I’m fucking glad she told me. But she should have been able to tell me when she was ready. Not when your dick mouth made her.”

  “What? You think that it is okay she didn’t tell you about her little side job?”

  “No, I don’t, but she had her fuckin’ reasons. In future keep your fuckin’ nose out of our business,” I roar so loudly that I don’t hear David come up behind me.

  “Jace, what the hell is going on?” he asks, and I turn to face him.

  “Nothin’ David, just telling your son to keep out of mine and my girlfriend’s life.”

  “So, you’re still with her?” Bryson asks, getting in before David can reply.

  “Yes, I am, and our relationship has nothing to do with you.”

  “You’re okay with everything?” he asks, “Okay with how she lied to you? Okay with her past?”

  Okay with everything? Her job, yeah. Everything I found out today? No, no fucking way.

  “You know what? You know fuckin’ nothin’ about her past. Nothin’,” I yell, and I get up in his face. “She was fucking raped,” I roar. “You expect me to leave her over a stupid fucking job when she was raped.” Oh God, saying it aloud makes it sink in. “Raped,” I rasp out, “Her step-father raped her,” I say hoarsely. “He abused her for years,” I say with less anger. “He raped my Angel,” I whisper, as I back away from him and fall to my knees.

  I rest my head on my chest and sob. Oh, God how could it happen. She must have felt so alone. It pains me to think of her being abused like that.

  Everything she told me she went through. How could anyone do that? How could anyone survive that?

  Bryson and David don’t say anything as I have a breakdown. It’s still too raw to think of her going through that for years.

  *

  AN HOUR LATER, I ride back home. I don’t see Callie’s car so know she isn’t here and I don’t blame her. She told me her dark secrets and I just took off and left her in the middle of nowhere.

  With a heavy heart, I walk inside and enter the kitc
hen where I find mom cooking. She looks up to me with a sad expression and it makes my heart want to break more. “She told you then?” mom asks.

  I nod. “Yes. I never,” I pause and swallow around the lump in my throat. “I never could imagine anything like that happening to her. I still can’t believe it,” I rasp out and mom nods.

  Wiping her hands on a dish towel she walks over and pulls me into a hug. Even though I’ve got a decent amount of height on her and her arms can’t meet around my torso, having my mom in my arms still feels like it did when I was little.

  “It is a hard thing to get your mind around, but these things do happen. We’ve just been lucky that this type of thing hasn’t touched anyone’s lives that we know. But they happen out there in the world every day.”

  “I don’t see how anyone could do it. Especially Callie. She is so little and innocent. She was a virgin mom, he stole her virginity,” I whisper. Hating every word of it.

  “I know baby,” mom says into my chest.

  Oh God, I’m nearly twenty-eight, but mom calling me that reminds me of when I was a little boy. It’s comforting right now.

  Once I feel mom stop shaking and crying, I pull back and head to the fridge, I need a Jack and coke after the day I’ve had. “How long ago did Callie leave?”

  “Twenty minutes ago. She should be back soon.”

  “Ma, I doubt she will be back. She poured her heart out to me and I just left her.”

  “I know, but I also know that she understands. She’s just gone to the grocer to get me some things for dinner.”

  I feel an imaginary hand release from around my heart. Even though I don’t deserve her, she isn’t leaving me.

  Going up to my room I grab some clean clothes before getting in the shower. I’m nearly finished when I hear the shower door open. I turn around to see Callie stepping inside.

  She flings her hair over her shoulder and looks up to me. She is so fucking beautiful. “I thought you had left me,” I say. “But then mom said you were coming back. I’m so fucking sorry for how I reacted. I-” She puts her fingers over my lips and stops me from talking.