Unspoken Words

by Latoya Chandler

  Naomi Ruth left the hospital enveloped by a wall of pain and feeling betrayed by her parents and God. Not only had God not protected her, but her parents hadn’t bothered to visit her while she was in the hospital. They busied themselves with the church and sent the church missionaries to visit with her, causing Naomi-Ruth to deepen her resentment toward them and living. As she waited for her ride from the hospital, her thoughts consumed her. Scurrying around the room, Naomi-Ruth grabbed the linen from the bed and began to tie it in knots as tears masked her face.

  “Nomi, what are you doing?” Desirae snatched the noose from her grip upon entrance.

  “They give everything to Him, and He still betrayed me. My parents were never my parents because they’re too busy being His slaves. I don’t want to live anymore. I hate this life they gave and left for me to live in alone.”

  “Mom, please come in here. Something’s wrong with Nomi. She’s talking crazy. Mom, we have to help her.”

  Collapsing to her knees, Naomi-Ruth reclined into a sitting position and pulled her knees into her chest. Cradling her legs, she rocked back and forth as loud sobs bolted from her lips.

  “Oh no, baby, what’s wrong? Please, calm down, baby. What happened to her, Dez?” Her mother’s eyes darted back and forth between the girls. “Everything will be all right. Please, stop crying, Nomi.” She released her own set of waterworks as the three sat in an embrace.

  * * *

  On the way home, silence took the car hostage. Words were nowhere to be found. Tears communicated and released hidden pain, worry, guilt, confusion, and disappointment. Rosalind wasn’t a big churchgoer like the Pattersons or even like her daughter, Dez. However, she could discern there was so much more to the tears and pain in Naomi-Ruth’s eyes. It was a pain that she was familiar with—and it frightened her.

  Rosalind took her eyes off the road for a moment reaching for her phone, and the car swerved.

  “Mom!”

  “I-I’m sorry. Girls, are you all right?”

  “We-we’re fine,” Desirae mumbled.

  “Grab my phone for me, please, and call over to Nomi’s house. Put it on speaker.”

  “Praise the Lord,” Pastor Patterson answered on the first ring.

  “Good afternoon, Pastor. I picked up Naomi-Ruth, and if it’s all right with you, I’d like her to join Dez and me for dinner.”

  “That won’t be necessary. Vera has dinner prepared, and Ruth has service to attend this evening.”

  “I-I plan on coming to Bible study tonight and wouldn’t mind bringing the girls with me if that’s fine with you.”

  “To God be the glory. It looks like we will have a full house tonight. See you at 7:30.” He disconnected the call.

  “Mom, since when did you start going to church when it’s not a holiday and for an evening service?” Desirae’s eyes stretched.

  “Tonight.”

  * * *

  Dinner was unusually silent. Rosalind tried to make small talk, but it all fell on deaf ears. After excusing the girls from the table, Rosalind called for Desirae to come back downstairs.

  “Yes, Mom?”

  “Sit down for a minute. I want you to be honest with me, Dez. Can you do that for me?”

  “Yes, Mom. What is it?”

  “Did something happen to Nomi?”

  “Y-you . . . you . . . know she was jumped . . . jumped and then hit by the car, Mom.”

  “Yes, I recognize that. Did something else happen to her? She was in a dark place at the hospital, Dez. Please, be honest with me.”

  “Mrs. Patterson choked her,” she detracted from the truth.

  “What do you mean she choked her? So, she never got jumped? Her mother hit her?”

  “No, she got hurt at school . . . I mean on her way home. She said some things about God to Mrs. Patterson, and she lost it. Mrs. Patterson said she felt bad about putting her hands on her, but Nomi saw red and ran out of the house.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me this before, Dez?”

  “I was trying not to think about that day. I feel like it was my fault. If I had just waited for her, none of this would have happened.”

  “Come here.” She brushed the side of Desirae’s face once she was in arm’s reach. “My gut is telling me there is something you’re not saying to me, but I need you to know and understand nothing that took place was yours or Nomi’s fault. There are cruel people in this world. It isn’t either of your faults that people act how they do. They must answer to God for their actions.”

  “I hope so, Mom. Nomi didn’t deserve any of this stuff.”

  “I know, baby.” She squeezed her.

  Chapter Six

  We Fall Down . . .

  Being a teen pastor hasn’t been easy on Dexter or for some of the parishioners. Some feel it was too soon, and Dexter hadn’t had enough experience with life. In more ways than one, many expressed their feelings to Dexter. He overlooked all the naysayers except for things Reginald revealed to him while in the car or while home alone. Reginald was nothing like G-ma Diane. He was a strict and harsh disciplinarian. He saw Dexter as the teenager he was, one who didn’t respect or acknowledge him as being the head of their household.

  “Thank you for giving me a ride home, Deacon . . .” He cut himself short after noticing the icy glare staring back at him. “I mean, Pop Reg,” he corrected.

  “You can cut the act, Little D. No one’s around. Come back to earth, little man.”

  “There is no act, Pop-Pop. I’m doing what God wants me to do. This is what God created me to do. I’m walking in my calling.”

  “You may be walking into a wall. You need to read Corinthians 3:18 because you’re no good to yourself at this rate. You will crash. You can’t stay up that high in a cloud day in and day out. It’s no good for you. You’re too young.”

  “I enjoy the life I chose to—”

  “Boy, you sound like a robot. Do you hear yourself? Dye should have left you in school, so you could experience life and mess up like most kids your age do. No one is perfect except for God. Most teenagers abandon the church after they graduate from high school.”

  “So, what you’re saying is you want me to abandon God and turn my back on Him to prove that I’m real and that this isn’t an act?”

  “Why would I tell you to do something like that? I’m not trying to get struck down by God. You need to loosen up and live a little. You’re a walking, talking audible Bible. The elders in the church aren’t as deep as you pretend to be.”

  “Pop-Pop Reg, this isn’t an act. This is who I am.”

  “Little boy, you don’t even know who you are. You’ve fashioned yourself around the God that Dye knows. You don’t know God for yourself. You’re one of the first ones to minister and say it’s personal and that we all need to have a personal relationship with God, but do you even know what that means?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “No, you don’t, but in due time, you will find out. We always do.”

  Once at their place of residence, Dexter stormed through the door without acknowledging G-ma Dye upon entering.

  “Dexter, you don’t see me standing here? That’s not of God or the love of God. Where are your manners?”

  “Let him have his tantrum, Dye. It’s good for him. That boy’s boxer-panties are up in a bunch. He needs to get them out of his tail.”

  “What you done said to him now, Reginald?”

  “The truth. You have him walking around in a spiritual blindfold. He’s too young to start like this. He’s going to fall hard. You’ll see.”

  “Reggie, why would you say such a thing? He’s walking in his calling, God—”

  “Is it your calling or his, Dye?”

  “Reggie, the boy has a calling on his life. We sit in the same services. Better yet, you bear witness to how he carries himself here on a day-to-day basis. You know only God can keep a child his age, especially the way Dexter’s kept.”

  “You two keep drinking from that same Kool
-Aid and see what happens. I wish nothing on the boy, but his head is too far in heaven that he can’t see what’s in front or around him right here on God’s green earth.”

  “Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing for you to join him, Reggie. You’re making it out to be a bad thing, and I don’t see the problem.”

  “I know I’m not perfect, which is why I live a balanced and stress-free life. I don’t walk around trying to be something I’m not or someone everyone thinks I should be. God loves old Reginald just the way he is.”

  “I never said God didn’t love you, Reggie. You’re taking everything I said out of context.”

  “Dye, even the Bible says, don’t be so heavenly minded that you’re no earthly good. I keep telling that boy the same thing time and time again. But you both will see. Just mark my words. He just finished preaching about Job, and if God allowed Satan to come for him, you and that boy better strap on the whole armor of God and have all of the angels from heaven above in attendance because the devil is coming for that boy. The Word is a two-edged sword. Mark my words, Dye.”

  “Life and death are in words, Reggie. Watch what you say. Forgive me for saying this, but just because you’ve been no earthly good and got away with it, you have no right to speak ill against that boy or punish him for your—”

  “God forgave me, Dye. I naïvely thought you did too. You walk around preaching about God’s forgiveness, and once He forgives, your sins are in the depths of the sea. It looks like you done gone fishing or deep-sea diving, Dye, because here I am being drenched with the words of the things that God and I thought you forgave me for.”

  “I . . . I—”

  “Save it, Dye. Better yet, talk to God about it. You seem to be able to talk to and respect Him. Maybe He’ll show you how to forgive and talk to your husband.”

  “I . . . I’m sorry. I—”

  “I know you are. You know what? You . . .”

  The talking ceased, and silence entered the room as Reginald shook his head with a look of disgust on his face. As Diane attempted to speak again, a squeal from the door cut her sentence short as the front door shut behind him.

  Like clockwork as if Pop-Pop Reg had a contract with the devil himself, temptation raised its intriguing head. Feeling hurt and abused with his heart torn into a million pieces, Dexter did what he knew best. He excused himself from the not-so-welcoming dinner table and found his way to the altar of the church. Although G-ma Diane was present for dinner physically, her mind, spirit, and mental presence were wherever Pop-Pop Reg was. He hadn’t returned since leaving earlier.

  As the words of “I Need Your Glory” by Earnest Pugh serenaded him, Dexter kneeled before the altar with his arms outstretched and petitioned his Heavenly Father.

  “Dear God, I need you now. I’m lost and confused. Your servant wants to be right in your eyes. I don’t want the words of man to alter my emotions. I come to you as humbly as I know how and ask that you guard my heart. Help me not to allow the words of man—Pop Reg’s words—to take me to a low place. I put my hope and trust in you, dear God, and yet, my soul is in despair. Lord, I dwell on the things that are honest, pure, and of good report, and my soul is still downcast. I need you, Heavenly Father . . .”

  The volume of music decreased.

  “I-I . . . I apologize for disturbing you, Pastor Dee.”

  Tamariane walked toward the front of the church.

  “N-no . . . No problem at all, Tamariane. Is everything all right?” He rose to his feet.

  “Yes . . . Well, no. I didn’t know where to go. So I just came here early before choir rehearsal.”

  “Have a seat. Do you want to talk about it?”

  “From the time I was born, my family pretty much had me in church. You know, sort of just like you. Sunday school, youth church, choir rehearsal, prayer, and tarry service—I was there. I hope I don’t sound crazy, Pastor Dee, but maybe you will or won’t understand, but believe it or not, sometimes being the good little Christian girl isn’t always as easy as it seems.”

  Nodding his head in agreement, Dexter remained attentive, allowing Tamariane to divulge her pain.

  “Every day, I was told I lived a sheltered life, and I’m called Little Ms. Perfect. I am far from perfect. I have thoughts that I shouldn’t have. I get angry. I don’t want to come to church all the time. Sometimes, I want to stay home and do nothing except read a book or something, and that is wrong. If it isn’t biblically related, I’m prohibited from reading it. Mom took all the books I borrowed from the library back because she said secular books were harmful and were not edifying for me. No good will come from reading them. She said she would not allow me to become like Jezebel and stray from God.”

  “Jezebel? If you don’t mind me asking, what books were they?”

  “Are You There God? It’s me, Margaret and Harry Potter.”

  “I’m not familiar with either of those books. Honestly, the only book I’ve ever read is the Bible and books related to the Bible.”

  “Yeah, I know. Mom throws you in my face all the time. Sometimes, I dislike you because of it.” Red leaked into her cheeks as she nervously smiled and bit her lip.

  “You dislike me, Tamariane? I’m crushed.”

  “Wow, you make jokes, Pastor Dee. You are normal.”

  “Sometimes, I wonder if I am. Pop Reg thinks it’s all an act. He doesn’t believe in me. I think just like you, G-ma Diane throws me around so much that my Pop-Pop dislikes me,” he huffed in a slight sulk.

  “I’m sorry, Pastor Dee. I-I never stay upset with you. I am very . . . you know—”

  “No, I don’t. You’re very what?”

  “Well, I know it’s wrong, and I’m sure you hear this all the time from all the girls.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “I’m attracted to you. You’re very handsome.” She hid her face in her hands.

  Dexter was blown away by her confession. A lone tear threatened to fall. He has had no one other than G-ma Diane tell him he was handsome. In the early part of his 16-year-old life, he had been called everything except Dexter from the mouths of his sisters.

  “I . . . I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. I should not have said that. I have respect for you. I know that was wrong. Please forgive me. Maybe we should pray? I’ll leave, I—”

  Placing his hand on her shoulder, he confessed, “Thank you, Tamariane. I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me before. G-ma says it because I’m her baby boy, but no other human being has ever said that to me. I know God made me in His image and my handsomeness, so to speak, comes from my inner self as that is of great worth in God’s sight.”

  “Well, from over here by me, I think from the inside out, you can say it has drawn me to you, but not in a bad way, though, Pastor Dee. It’s in the most respectful way. Maybe we should pray. I will probably get struck down from heaven sitting in the church saying this to you. Please forgive me.”

  “It’s okay. I needed to hear it. I came in here feeling downcast in my spirit, so maybe I’m supposed to hear it. Thank you.”

  “You think so?” She moved closer to him, introducing her lips to his.

  Dexter jumped away from her, his heart racing.

  “I’m sorry, Tamariane. I didn’t mean to lead you on. I’ll leave now. Please tell Sister Kepnes I had to leave, and she should take over for me with choir rehearsal.” He dashed toward the church doors.

  Running behind him, she pleaded, “I apologize, Pastor Dee. I am Jezebel, just like Momma said. First, it was the books, and now, this. I am so sorry.” Her hands shook.

  Turning in her direction, Dexter addressed her. “You are not a Jezebel. Neither the books nor a kiss makes you a Jezebel. Remember, no matter what, God forgives. Maybe we should pray. Do you mind if we pray?”

  “Sure, but I don’t want to do it here. I don’t want people coming in getting the wrong idea, you know? Especially if Momma walks in.”

  “Sure thing. We can go downstairs to my study.”

  * *
*

  Once in his office, Dexter prayed for forgiveness. The more he talked, the more he could sense Tamariane wanting to kiss him. As she motioned toward Dexter, he opened his eyes, and instead of preventing anything from happening, he pulled her closer. Falling into the evils of temptation and against everything he’s ever preached or believed in, Dexter lost his virginity in the church’s basement . . . the same place where he had found God.

  Chapter Seven

  Lord, I’m Sorry . . .

  Charging through the door, Dexter ran straight into Pop Reg.

  “Boy, what has gotten into you? The Lord has given you eyes to see more than the pages in the Bible. Watch where you’re going before you hurt someone or yourself.”

  Disregarding Pop-Pop and anything that escaped from his lips, Dexter continued his race up the stairs.

  “You don’t hear me talking to you, boy? That Bible instructs you to obey your parents, not just preach it.”

  “Go ahead and make fun of me. That’s all you ever do. Because of you, I messed up. It’s your fault. You sent her to me.”

  “Dye, the devil and all his people done has got into this boy, and he done lost his mind. Come get him before I put my hands on him.”

  “What are you two shouting about? I hope y’all are in here praising God with all of this hollerin’.”

  “If he yells at me one more time, he will be calling on God, and it won’t be praiseworthy.”

  “Dexter, baby, is there something wrong? Look at me, child. What’s the matter?”

  “I-I messed up bad, G-ma. I’m no good. I let God and everyone down. How could I have been so foolish? I cannot step foot back into that church.”

  “You’re talking crazy now. You missed choir rehearsal. It’s all right. It’s not a sin.”

  “Why, Pop-Pop? Why did you do that to me? Are you happy now? I’m not perfect, just like you said. I fell right into your trap just like you said I would.” His lip quivered.