Unspoken Words

by Latoya Chandler

  “Boy, what in God’s name are you babbling about?”

  “Tamariane! You know what I’m talking about. You sent her to me. You set me up.”

  “No, you preached her to you. You said, ‘We emerge when we learn what God is teaching.’ You even went on to say Job became more humble and compassionate because of what he went through. I believe your topic was ‘You Have to Go Through to Get Through.’” He snickered. “Now, touch your neighbor and tell them ‘though He slays me, yet will I trust Him.’” He dug in.

  “That’s enough, Reggie. Why would you taunt him? You see, he’s hurting and ashamed. What happened, baby?”

  “I sinned, G-ma. I sinned right on the floor of the church. I’m a disgrace. I can never return to church ever again. I’m a hypocrite.” He dropped to his knees.

  “What are you trying to say? You are not a hypocrite. We all fall short of the glory of God, Dexter. You know this. God forgives. Now, please, tell me what you are trying to say, baby.”

  “He told you already, Dye. It sounds like the boy done fell on top of little Miss Tamariane.”

  “What? He did not say that, Reggie. Dex . . .” She kneeled beside Dexter and cradled him.

  Diane’s words lodged in her throat as she witnessed the display of tears and emotions emerging from him.

  “There you go, Dye. The spiritual blindfold has fallen from both of you. Welcome to the real world.”

  “There’s a time and a place for everything, Reginald. Be serious sometimes. Now is not the time for your antics.”

  “Oh, trust me. I’m as serious as they come. I warned both of you time and time again. That was too much pressure you all put on that boy. He’s not strong enough to fight temptation. Dexter barely knows who he is, so how can he fight against himself?”

  “God is his strength. He was never fighting against himself. He was fighting to resist temptation,” she blubbered.

  “He’s been fighting with his thoughts long before this. I don’t care what you say. Sex starts way before the act, Dye. You can keep climbing in that bubble all you want, trying to avoid everything. Just like puppet boy over there crying his heart out, your bubble will burst too. Well, in actuality, it just did. I might say a lot, and, yeah, it may come off harsh, but it’s the truth. Now, both of you get yourselves off of that floor. God forgives, and you have to forgive yourself, Dex. It’s fine to want to serve God and walk in His likeness, but for heaven’s sake, don’t forget to be a kid, son.”

  No matter what Pop Reg or G-ma Dye said at that minute, their words spilled on deaf ears. Dexter’s heart was breaking into a million parts. Once in his bedroom, his thoughts lashed him. Each memory that crossed his mind provoked him to screech as if he were being struck. “What have I done?” he grumbled.

  “Dex, we can pray about it. Just please open the door,” Dye pleaded.

  “I-I can never pray again. I prayed myself on top of . . .” His words lodged in his throat.

  “That’s not true. Don’t think like that, baby. We serve a forgiving God.”

  The more Dye talked, the worse Dexter felt. He’d chosen to never return to the house of God. Nothing made sense to him any longer. Dexter’s mind tormented him. He couldn’t figure out how he could go from faithfully following God with everything in him to breaking His precepts in the same place where he learned of his love for God. The sanctuary was the last place Dexter wanted to be. Facing his leaders terrified him. Primarily, he feared Bishop Livingston, the God-fearing father figure who had proposed ordaining Dexter as a youth pastor. He was Tamarian’s grandfather. He believed everybody would find out because G-ma Dye didn’t make a move or a decision without confiding in Bishop Livingston first. He was her spiritual counselor. The thought alone made Dexter’s abdomen contract, causing him to vomit.

  Dexter spent the balance of the weekend in his bedroom. He refused to deal with anyone. G-ma Dye had turned into a nervous mess because he didn’t talk or eat. She took trays of food to him, but every time she did, he said nothing. Just like Dexter knew she would, Dye confided in Bishop Livingston when her efforts to get him to eat or communicate with her went unanswered. Although Bishop was disappointed in both his grandchild and son in the faith, he was familiar with allowing temptation to get the best of you.

  In Bishop’s early years of ministry, he too had fallen victim to lust. He and his wife, Santosha, fornicated. They then become teenage parents after their first time having intercourse. Similar to Dexter, Bishop Livingston lost his virginity in the house of the Lord. However, Bishop’s sin became church news when one of the busybody members caught him in the middle of the act while in his father’s study. Learning of Dexter’s broken state caused Bishop to circle back to the years of shame and pain that he’d pressed down in his soul.

  Bishop Livingston felt powerless to evade the sympathy that expanded in his chest, thinking of Dexter’s mental state. Dropping all he had been working on, he rushed to Dexter’s aid. Bishop could sense Dexter’s trouble in Dye’s tone.

  Before Bishop could attempt to knock on the door, Dye yanked it open. Her face was swollen with despair, and her voice was packed with heartbreak. She blurted, “I . . . I didn’t call for you to come flying over here. That wasn’t my intention at all.”

  “Love covers all, my dear sister, Dye. You don’t have to seek me for me to show the love of God nor the love I have for this family, especially Dexter. He is the son Santosha and I never had.”

  Dye’s words couldn’t locate her. Hearing and feeling the sincere love Bishop produced provoked her to break down like a newborn.

  “God’s hand is all over this, Dye,” Bishop reassured as he made his way upstairs.

  Bishop Livingston’s knuckles rapped on the door. Dexter remained balled up on the floor in a fetal position because he recognized who it was at his door. Any time Bishop came by, he had the same pattern of three sharp knocks and a pause. Every hit shot a jolt through Dexter, causing his stomach to twist.

  “Son, are you really going to continue to have your Bishop stand on the other side of this door?”

  Bishop’s words fell on deaf ears.

  “Dex, we can work this out. Please, open this door so we can talk. I recognize what you’re dealing with. I’ve been in this same embarrassing place you’re battling right now. We can pull through this together. We serve a forgiving God.”

  Unable to stand the hammering any longer, Dexter rose on unsteady legs, forcing his way across the room. All he required was to stop the noise so he could try to calm his brain. With shaking hands, Dexter cracked the door. His body was behind it and hardly gave up enough room to peep out. Bishop put his hand on the somewhat ajar door and prayed. Dexter granted him entrance. His heart raced as he opened it to allow entry.

  As Bishop neared Dexter, the young pastor’s legs turned against him, and he crumpled into Bishop’s arms.

  “I am here, son. I am right here with you.”

  “I . . . I can’t go back to the church, Bishop. I let God, you, and the entire church down. I’m a phony. I can’t be excused. It was in God’s house.” He broke their embrace.

  “Child, we all fall shy of the greatness of God. And He consistently provides a way of escape. He is a forgiving God.”

  “He won’t forgive me. I have engaged in an unjust act.”

  “David was a man after God’s own heart. He too made a mistake, and the Bible says that God forgave him. We serve the same God that forgave King David. Just like He has forgiven David, He has forgiven you. I am standing here now in front of you on God’s pardon, along with His grace and unmerited forgiveness. I’ve made the same mistake and have been forgiven as well.”

  “You have, Bishop?” His eyes widened.

  “Yes, son, your bishop is no angel. The first lady and I fell into our encounter of temptation right inside of my father’s study. Three months after that, we find out she was pregnant, and they directed us to wed to be right in the eyes of the Lord.”

  “You have a kid, Bishop?
I don’t recall hearing or seeing a child of yours. Only Tamariane’s mom, but I thought she was a foster kid.”

  “Yes, she is. First Lady miscarried going into her fourth month. It shattered me greatly because the sin had caused her not to be capable of having our child. God doesn’t make mistakes, son. He isn’t the author of confusion, which is why you and my grandchild will seek the congregation for forgiveness on Sunday. Following that, you two will wed and become one. God will get the glory out of this. The devil is a liar.”

  * * *

  The remainder of the week and the weekend sailed by. Before Dexter could dissect all that Bishop had spoken, along with what was going to take place, Sunday was already staring at him. Fear dominated Dexter’s entire being. Standing in the face of the flock, acknowledging what he identified as a degraded sin, repulsed him, which turned getting dressed into his Sunday attire into an unfit task. Dexter felt uncomfortable putting on his suit and clergy collar. His inner critic deemed him unsuitable to represent all he’s experienced God to be. Unable to clothe himself, Dexter felt it was a signal for him not to attend service. As he swept his clothing onto the floor, three intense taps startled him. Hearing Bishop at his bedroom door provoked a surge of tears to mask his face. Dexter became overpowered with emotions. Bishop hadn’t overlooked him and didn’t allow him to deal with the repercussions of his sin alone.

  “Son, open up this door. Even if I have to dress you myself, we are going to make the devil out the liar that he is.”

  “Bishop, I can’t do this.”

  He opened the door. “You can, and you will. Recognize that we are all sinners who’ve fallen and gotten back up. You will get back up again, but first, you have to face this head-on.”

  Bishop’s words soothed Dexter’s soul, and although he struggled, he dressed and made his way to the church house, cleaving to Bishop’s arm. As they entered the sanctuary, Grammy Award–winning songstress Bettina’s voice spanned the temple, filling it with the anointing of the Holy Spirit, which sent Dexter to his knees. With each of the song’s lyrics, Dexter’s tears redoubled. He couldn’t make it down the aisle. Bowing before his Heavenly Father, Dexter surrendered and prayed for forgiveness. The more Dexter put himself at the grace of the Lord, his invocation pushed Bettina to sing straight to his situation. The melody from the phrases, “Lord, you forgave me as though it has never taken place. You absolved me; you gave me a second chance. Just like the children of Israel, I keep finding myself at the altar of your mercy,” made Dexter whimper, praying in passion. His petition became infectious, leading the parishioners to grab hold and take part in kneeling before God where they stood. They cried out in humility, discharging the things heavy on their hearts and minds.

  As the Spirit of mercy penetrated the church, Bishop Livingston took the mic over to Dexter and whispered in his ear. “Son, let the Lord have His way.”

  Dexter felt like the burden of his guilt and shame had been removed. He rose to his feet, feeling lighter, and drew in the air around him, and appealed to the crowd.

  “Saints and friends, this morning, I appear before you in humility, asking for your forgiveness. Some of you might already know, and if you do not, I have fallen short of the glory of God. Actually, I’ve messed up and sinned before the Lord. If I have offended anybody because of my actions, I apologize and beg for your forgiveness.” He broke down.

  Bishop removed the mic from Dexter’s hand, pulled him into an embrace, and said, “Son, God and your church family love and forgive you. We serve a forgiving God, saints. Who are we to act like we haven’t engaged in sin? No matter how big or small, sin is a sin. Whether it is of omission or commission, my dear people, it is a sin. Right now, we will make things right in the eyes of the Lord and continue showing this young man the love of God. Tamariane, please, come and join us.”

  Tamariane, feeling embarrassed and disgraced, sobbed her way over to where her grandfather and future husband stood. Within ten minutes of standing in complete unease, and at 16 years of age, Bishop changed gears and joined Dexter and Tamariane as husband and wife. Neither of them agreed with what Bishop had asked of them. However, they felt he knew better than they did. Dexter considered taking this step would put them, especially him, right before the Lord.

  Three months following their nuptials, Tamariane learned that she was with child. Dexter took the news as a sign that they had made the right decision in becoming man and wife because now, their child wouldn’t be born in sin. Because they were teenagers, Dexter and Tamariane were prohibited from living together or seeing each other without adult supervision. However, Dexter promised to be by his pregnant bride’s side every step of the way. He said just as God has taken care of him and has been there for him, he will do the same for his child.

  * * *

  After becoming man and wife, nothing changed between Dexter and Tamariane. They saw each other while at church. Neither of their parents supported them in seeing each other outside of service. They talked on the phone when no one was around, but that’s the extent of their communication. Bishop Livingston explained to them God would present to them when the time was right for them to spend time and get to know each other on a different level. Presently, they were extremely inexperienced to recognize or understand this information.

  The entire seven months of Tamariane’s pregnancy, Dexter was left behind in the dark. Tamariane didn’t say much when they did speak other than say the baby was great. She devoted more time to chat about the difficulties of her pregnancy, like how much weight she’d picked up, her fear that she’d be fat for the rest of her life, and how embarrassed she was when people stared at her. Despite not being able to be active and attend the doctor’s appointments during her pregnancy, Dexter felt a part of it. He recorded the days on his calendar, anticipating each doctor’s visit that she informed him of and the delivery date of his son. Tamariane broke the news to him when she was six months, and she gave him some of the sonograms that she had when she saw him at church.

  Today was Tamariane’s thirty-seventh-week doctor’s appointment, and, as routine, Dexter was in his room pacing back and forth, expecting her call. She generally called in the afternoon following her dates to update him. However, the afternoon had come and gone without a word from Tamariane. As he retrieved his cell phone to call her, G-ma Dye tapped on his bedroom door and entered.

  “Hey, G-ma, have you heard from Tamariane or Bishop? I know she had an appointment today.”

  “Yes, baby, that’s why I came in here.”

  “What did she say? How’s the baby?” His eyes grew wide, seeing the worry in her eyes.

  “Have a seat, my handsome boy.”

  “I don’t want to sit down. What happened, G-ma?” His voice cracked.

  “Tamariane is doing good, thank God. She went into labor this morning and was rushed to the hospital. When the medical staff checked the baby, they couldn’t find a heartbeat. They did another test and confirmed the baby had died. The umbilical cord was wrapped around that poor baby’s neck, son. I am so sorry.”

  “So, my son is dead? Is what you’re saying? Why? He’s innocent. He’s done nothing wrong!” His cries bounced off of the walls.

  “Yes, son, Bishop said God doesn’t make mistakes. You two conceived the baby in sin. The sin did this, not God.”

  * * *

  It took Dexter several weeks to mourn the loss of his son and Tamariane. Tamariane’s mom moved her to Atlanta once they released her from the hospital. Bishop felt it was best for them to start anew after all that had happened. He told both of them that God had it all under control, and He’d given them a second chance to get it right. And when they have a child, whether it is with each other or someone else, everything would work together for their good. God would get the glory because they would be then right in His eyes. Bishop reiterated that God honors marriage, and that’s what needed to take place before a child comes into the world.

  Tamariane detested her grandfather’s heartless response
. Dexter, on the other hand, believed it had to be right because if jealousy could get Satan kicked out of heaven, then it’s almost protocol for his child to be called home. Dexter agreed his son had been conceived in sin, as Bishop stated. The Man Up Above that he served wasn’t the author of confusion. To Dexter, having a child at his and Tamariane’s young age was loaded with turmoil and unnecessary embarrassment, and God had the last say in the matter.

  Chapter Eight

  The Weekend Getaway . . .

  Rosalind had been attending service with the girls and the Pattersons frequently. She yearned to be around and near Naomi-Ruth. The sadness Rosalind noticed in Naomi-Ruth’s eyes was recognizable. She saw it when she looked at her image in the mirror. Rosalind had never given up anything or on anyone in her life. No employer had ever fired her, and she’s been working since she was 14 years old. However, five years ago, she’d been employed as the nursing supervisor at New York Presbyterian Hospital—where she was terminated for failure to renew her nursing license, which just so happened to have been two weeks after she filed charges against the director of hospital affairs, who was also the hospital’s CEO’s son.

  Since the age of 10, Rosalind had daydreamed of being a nurse. Watching both of her parents lose their battles with cancer a year after each other, she developed a passion for helping the sick. Because Rosalind could not do anything for her parents, she had pledged to pursue a career in the health-care industry so she could do what she wasn’t capable of doing as a child. All that she had worked for was taken away from her following her first overnight shift at the hospital. Rosalind covered for one of her colleagues that evening, and while taking a short break, her director, Brad, boxed her in one of the vacant rooms she used during her day shift to meditate.

  The female staff members recognized Brad for his improper comments, but because he was the chief administrator’s offspring, they overlooked it. No one had ever charged him of sexual mischief, so when he wandered into the room, Rosalind thought nothing of it.