Matchpoint

by Gus Ralthocco

  “No, I don’t think he is,” Caio agreed.

  He just wasn’t sure if Diego was right for him. The jury was still out on that one.

  CAIO hugged Alice like there was no tomorrow and made his way back to the village. He knew he had to talk to Diego, to find a way to clear the air between them, and every step that brought him closer to their apartment made him question his resolve.

  From outside he could hear conversation from the other room, but he ignored their roommates-turned-enemies. He was unsure and afraid, but there was no point in staying in the hallway. When he got in, Caio was greeted by Diego’s gaze rising from his phone, and longing hit Caio in the chest. He’d missed Diego all afternoon, and relief overtook him and swept away the last remnants of distance.

  “Hey,” Caio said as he closed the door behind himself.

  “Hi.” Diego lowered his eyes back to his phone. “Was Alice all right?”

  “Yeah.” Caio nodded, the truth wanting to come out of his mouth, but he took hesitant steps toward Diego’s bed.

  Their eyes wouldn’t meet, and Caio wanted to reach out and touch, bring Diego close to him, even if just to apologize.

  “I wanted to—”

  “We should—”

  They stopped when their words collided and Diego raised his eyes to Caio. Caio had pushed desire away for so long that now it felt like discovering those emotions all over again.

  “Can I sit?” Caio asked, though he never would have done that if things hadn’t changed between them.

  Diego nodded and pulled his feet under him so he could sit up too.

  As Caio sat down, the distance between them rearranged itself. The bed wasn’t enormous, but he was too far away from Diego.

  Nervous, Caio cleared his throat.

  “I wanted to apologize—for leaving you behind, for not talking about how we felt, but most of all, for getting you involved with the prez. I didn’t know this would happen.” Caio sighed and searched Diego’s eyes for acceptance, but found uncertainty.

  “I wanted to apologize for kissing you. That was out of line and—” Diego started, but Caio raised his hand to stop him.

  “No, no.” Diego closed his mouth as his eyebrows climbed up his forehead. His eyes were full of fear, as though he’d stepped on a landmine that could blow any second. Caio continued, “I kissed you back. And, I’m not sorry I did it. I don’t regret it.”

  He could sense the slight shift in the way Diego regarded him.

  “You sure about that?” Diego asked.

  “I’m not,” Caio was quick to respond. “But I know I don’t regret kissing you. Even though I don’t think this is the right moment for us to… explore this.” And as he said it, Diego nodded again and his features fell.

  “I understand,” Diego said with eyes downcast.

  “It doesn’t mean I’m blowing you off, Diego. I don’t know what I want to do about this,” Caio said.

  Diego nodded, but he kept his distance.

  “We need to think about the competition, then,” Diego said.

  “But I don’t want us to forget this,” Caio pushed.

  “You don’t?”

  “I don’t think I’ll be able to,” Caio admitted.

  Diego looked away, but his gaze came back to Caio.

  “What do you want to do?” Diego laid his phone on the bed and looked over Caio’s frame. Instead of feeling self-conscious, Caio wished he could have more of that gaze aimed at him.

  “I want to know how you feel, because up until the moment you kissed me, I never thought this could happen.”

  For a moment Diego said nothing. Caio could see his changing emotions, the fear giving way to interest, because Caio was also laying his feelings bare for Diego to see.

  “I was attracted to you from the first moment I saw you,” Diego admitted, but it seemed to cost him. “I got used to keeping that down, even though you made it hard for me.”

  “How?” Caio asked, hit with a guilt he didn’t expect.

  “Because you’re amazing.” And then the guilt turned into warmth in his chest. “You’re a good friend and partner, but there’s more than that. You’re a great person with everyone around. Just being by your side is something that fills me with… this joy… and that was enough for me. I guess maybe not enough anymore.”

  Caio took that in and then nodded. Knowing how Diego saw him prompted Caio to think back on everything that had happened between them.

  “I’m sorry if I ever led you on in some way. It was never my intention. And I—” Caio looked at Diego, who seemed ready to turn away but didn’t move. “Now I see you. And maybe I can’t go back to how things were.”

  “What do we do, then? We can wait to talk about it, if you want. We can think about the competition and—” Diego took a breath, but their eyes found one another.

  It almost seemed like Caio couldn’t control himself, because in the next second, he rose from where he was on the bed, moved toward Diego, and knelt over him. Diego looked at him with wide eyes and a certain innocence on his face that almost seemed misplaced, but his gaze pleaded for Caio not to stop.

  And he didn’t.

  This time Caio was the one on top as their lips met in a kiss. He was consumed with a fire that burned in his veins. Nothing else seemed to matter when he had Diego under him. He could taste the frustration that had driven them apart, although they were closer now. Caio never thought of himself as impulsive, but there he was.

  He only managed to stop himself when he felt his body giving in. He was hard, and he wasn’t the only one, but he didn’t know if it was the right moment to keep going. He lifted himself with his arms on the bed and looked into Diego’s eyes. They were blown wide and hungry.

  “I think we have to go slow,” Caio said, though it pained him.

  Diego only let the air in and out as he nodded and snaked his arms around Caio’s torso to bring him down again. It was just touch, proximity. There was no more distance between them.

  “I wish we could stay like this until all the other stuff goes away,” Diego pleaded, almost like a secret.

  “It’s not a bad idea.”

  But they didn’t move for a while.

  Chapter Eleven

  IT wasn’t only Diego’s imagination. Caio seemed to have a hard time pulling away from him. The bed wasn’t big enough for them to have that much space, but Diego couldn’t complain. With Caio so close to him, for the first time since they started playing together, Diego didn’t feel guilty for enjoying those strong arms around him. He could drink up every moment of this and memorize the touch and smell and feel of his partner.

  They had to leave the bed to eat at some point, but while they were away, Diego could feel the pull to Caio. They didn’t hold hands in public, but they were right next to each other, and when they came back to their room, away from prying eyes, Caio pushed Diego against the wall and kissed him senseless.

  And then left him hanging a minute later.

  “We have a full day tomorrow, and it might be for the best not to exert ourselves too much right now,” Caio said, but his eyes were hungry and his hands didn’t seem to want to stop touching Diego.

  Diego tried to will away his growing hard-on. Fortunately, he’d had some experience with that.

  They slept in separate beds, though Diego had colorful thoughts when he lay down. He closed his eyes to the feel of Caio on him, as though he was already used to them being together. He fell asleep to the sounds of Caio’s breathing and woke up to birds twittering outside the window.

  In the morning, their routine didn’t seem to have changed from the past days, though Diego hesitated around Caio, unsure how close Caio wanted him to get. He decided to err on the side of caution and stay in his lane, and they left for the arena to train.

  “You already got your new schedule?” asked Caio when they cleared security, and Diego nodded.

  “Our game’s still tomorrow.”

  “Yeah. In the afternoon,” Caio said.
They would be playing against the Dutch—a team that had bested Caio and Diego the last time they faced each other.

  “We have to discuss strategy with Marina today.” Diego still looked forward to being back on the court, no matter how things were off the sand.

  “Yeah. And speaking of her….” Caio motioned ahead to where Marina was waiting for them at one of the training courts.

  They greeted each other like they’d done it a thousand times, but Diego felt awkwardness seeping in as he hugged Marina and bumped knuckles with Alice. Not much should have changed from yesterday.

  “I want the two of you to concentrate on blocking during this first half of training,” said Marina, and Diego tried to keep his head clear of everything else that wasn’t volleyball. “The Dutch have improved their spikes, and we just want to be well prepared for the match.”

  Alice was clinging to Caio’s leg, smiling up at him in the sweetest way. Marina also didn’t seem to behave differently, but Diego still wondered if they knew something. He waited for the moment when the other shoe would drop.

  As they moved onto the sand, he could see Marina eyeing his every move, and she caught him staring at Caio a couple of times, though she kept her lips tightly shut.

  Diego thought he was all right, but with his constant sense of vigilance, in those milliseconds of distraction, he lost the timing of the ball—twice. It was just them in the court, so it was impossible not to be aware of how they moved around one another. And how Diego was failing at what he was supposed to be good at.

  “What are you doing, Diego?” protested Marina when, for the third time, he lost his third ball close to the net. “Your timing’s off.” She huffed out an annoyed breath, and Diego felt thoroughly chastised, though he tried to shake it off and concentrate on what he had to do.

  On the bench by the side of the court, Alice glanced at her aunt, but then turned her attention back to the game. She was used to heated arguments because things could get pretty dicey on the court.

  “I know, I know.” Diego hung his head and stopped in the middle of the sand to breathe for a moment. But then he felt a hand on his shoulder, and Caio’s shadow appeared beside his own.

  “Take a minute. Go drink some water,” Caio told him. His touch sent a wave of ice through Diego’s veins, chased by molten lava, and it was impossible to know which would win. He extricated himself and left the court.

  Diego wanted to laugh. First he was battling to hide the feelings he had for Caio, and now he couldn’t focus on the game because his feelings weren’t as one-sided as he expected them to be.

  He sat down on the bench beside Alice and took a bottle of water from the small cooler bag. Alice looked up at him.

  “Does it feel good to compete?” she asked. “Because I see you and Daddy train so much, and the games don’t even take that long, and you go back to train and train and train.” Alice seemed tired.

  Diego felt the way his lips curled into a smile at her scrunched up face.

  On the other side of the court, Marina and Caio were talking… and decidedly not looking at Diego. They might be discussing him, or perhaps talking about the prez. He didn’t know.

  Diego took a deep breath and tried to put his head in the right place.

  “It might not feel like it’s worth it,” he started, and Alice paid close attention to him. “It’s hard work, like most things in life, but when I’m on the sand, I know this is the best thing I know how to do. I don’t think I’d be any good doing something else.”

  Alice hummed in understanding.

  “And you know that it’s because of this.” Diego pointed to himself and Alice and the sand. “It’s because of this that I met you, your dad, and Marina. That I got to be with you guys, going all over the world, and doing what I love to do. That seems pretty close to a perfect life.”

  “So, you like all of us?” Alice asked, and there was just a tiny edge of hesitation in her words.

  “Of course.” Diego knew there was no hesitation in his answer, and Alice sighed and looked away.

  “I like you too, you know?” she said, and she reached out to take his hand. Diego wasn’t sure what brought that on, but Alice was good at compartmentalizing her feelings, much more than some of the adults around her.

  She was born to a surrogate, and she’d always known it, but she missed having a motherly figure.

  He could see in her face that Alice considered each and every person in her life important in a distinct way. Diego worried that this new ground he was treading with Caio could pose a threat to that balance.

  When his timeout was over, he returned to the sand. But before he could say anything to Caio or Marina, their friends from Uruguay passed by, most likely coming from their training on the far side of the arena, and they raised their hands in greeting.

  “Hey, chicos!” Mario called.

  “Hola!” Diego greeted them back when Mario came toward him and offered a hand for a high five. Tobias was right behind him.

  “Finished your training already?” asked Diego as he clapped hands with Tobias.

  “Sí, we just finished, why? Wanna play a little friendly match? I’m missing our competition.” Mario wiggled his brows. Tobias rolled his eyes at his partner, as Marina and Caio walked toward them.

  “Actually, yes,” Marina accepted the challenge and raised her hand in a wave. “I think it would be a good idea. But I don’t want anything too strenuous,” she added.

  “Fine by me.” Mario lifted a shoulder and looked at his partner. Diego took in their banter, how clearly platonic it was and how different from how he behaved around Caio.

  Mario and Tobias were not looking at one another like they wanted to go to bed together or sharing intimate smiles that had a different connotation or touches that lingered a bit too long.

  They chose sides of the court and got ready to play as though nothing had happened before Diego got himself benched for five minutes. He willed his mind to concentrate on this game. There was some familiarity in the way Tobias and Mario moved on the other side of the net, just like when they played in the off-season at Caio’s farm—Caio and Diego’s training ground. Diego could remember those barbecues in the winter, drinking beers together, or better yet, a hot chimarrão, and he yearned for that again, for a semblance of normalcy.

  The first few balls across the net were more like a trial to see if they were ready, and soon enough they got in some hard hits. Diego and Caio found a rhythm because that was what they had spent most of their time together doing.

  The atmosphere of a match helped iron some of the kinks out, and they had to harness the real power behind every move they could make on the sand. Diego would hate to disappoint the people who were counting on him.

  IN the afternoon they took Alice to another competition in the city, this time at the Aquatics Center, to see the women’s diving. The competition was only starting, and Alice wasn’t excited about it, so they stayed for only a short while. The day was too pretty for them to spend in the crowded stands, anyway.

  As they walked along the streets, Diego sensed a marked distance between him and Marina. He didn’t want to bring attention to it, but he wondered if he was the reason it was there. At least he managed to get his parents to go somewhere else for the day. He didn’t want everyone circling around, waiting for him to start blubbering about his feelings.

  He waited for Marina to make a comment, but it never came. When they got back to the Olympic Village and they parted, Diego felt as though he’d worked himself up for nothing.

  But it wasn’t for nothing, because when Diego opened the door to their room, it was like a switch was flipped, and Caio caught him by the waist, pushed him against that same door, and pressed his lips against Diego’s.

  Caio tasted like sweat, and they both smelled of the sand—familiar senses to hold on to. And although being in Caio’s arms was a new thing, it also felt like coming home. With Caio around, Diego felt protected from the world, and that was the sweetes
t thing.

  “You know you can’t keep losing yourself in your head all the time,” whispered Caio as he pulled away from Diego but kept their mouths just a couple of inches away.

  So close yet so far.

  “I know,” Diego whispered back, but his lips wanted to chase Caio’s, who pecked him once and then pushed him away. And like nothing happened, he went to his side of the room to get some clothes to take a shower.

  Things were hot and cold, and Caio was the one who seemed to be in control as he pushed Diego to the edge and reeled him in.

  THE next day, when they went back to the arena to play, Diego’s mind still wasn’t in the perfect place for the competition… or for wondering about the unknown status of his relationship with Caio, or for facing the prez and his ludicrous demands. He wasn’t unraveling, because Diego could still feel Caio beside him, and he was a source of strength. But Diego needed to find his own inner strength, not to solely rely on outside interference.

  “You ready for this?” Caio asked when they were in the backstage area, waiting to be called up.

  Diego nodded, although he wasn’t sure.

  “You remember the game we played against them, right?”

  “Yeah,” Diego confirmed.

  The team from the Netherlands had been one of the top-ranked teams competing in this Olympic cycle and had won a good number of trophies and medals.

  As Diego jumped in place to keep his body warm, some bits of their past games came to him, and he made note of previous strategies they’d used.

  “I know Hanzer is going to serve to me, because he thinks I’m weak receiving the ball. On the other hand, Dalhausser isn’t going to do that, because I killed him a few times on our last game.”

  “Right,” Caio agreed.

  Trying not to flex his fingers, Diego wondered if Caio could feel his tension. Perhaps he did, because he put a hand on Diego’s shoulder. It helped to draw Diego’s attention away from everything else, and it calmed him. But Caio’s touch also pumped energy to the butterflies in his stomach. And they didn’t stop flying, not even when he stepped into the main arena.