Always Us

by C C Monroe

  “Thank you.” I nod as he takes a seat in front of the table I’m perched on.

  “All right, go ahead and lie back and we’ll check on the little one, okay?” I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I cry, not even attempting to hide it, beyond scared.

  “There are no signs of bleeding, which is good. Any pain?” he asks as he enters the transducer farther.

  Keeping my gaze on Trey, I tell him I’m not feeling too much pain, just a dull ache. Trey stands beside me, tearful like I am. We’re keeping one another grounded, trying to pull strength from each other. But little strength is to be given in two broken people.

  My lip trembles when he moves around without any noise or sound, confirming my fears—or so I thought. When angels sing, I imagine the sound to be as beautiful as this—the very pronounced, loud sound of a heavy heartbeat reverberating off the four walls of this tiny room.

  “Wow, you hear how strong that is? Let’s zoom in here, that sounds like two.”

  “Two?” Our eyes fly to the screen, mine bulging from my head.

  “Yes, two.”

  Frantically, yet excitedly, I look from the screen to Trey, rapidly back and forth.

  “Wait, we’re having two babies?” Trey asks from behind the hand covering his mouth.

  “Yes, you are and both heartbeats are present. The babies are more than fine. I must say this is a rare case. Twins so quickly with PCOS is a rare but beautiful thing. Congratulations, you two.” Pulling out the transducer, he gives us some privacy by leaving the room. Trey stumbles back to the chair and I just stay staring at him, gauging his reaction.

  I’m going to be a mother of twins, he’s going to be a father of twins, we’re parents of twins. We thought the worst, never did we think of this scenario.

  I look over at Trey; his eyes are glued to the screen, staring at the picture of our twins. One child may have been exciting news for him, but maybe Kingston said something that put him on edge, making it so this news would be far from good.

  “Trey, say something.”

  “Twins, we’re gonna have two babies?”

  “I know, are you mad?” I ask, looking him over.

  “No, baby…shit, no.” Standing fast, the chair scratches on the floor and he practically leaps to my lap. Leaning down, he places his face near my stomach, rolling up the ugly hospital gown, exposing my belly, kissing it over and over again. I smile, running my hands through his hair.

  “This is our life, this is our future inside of you, and I could never be mad about a future with you.” His words are my saving grace, they revive my worried heart.

  “Really? So you aren’t freaking out about having twins?” I ask. Looking up at me, he shakes his head, almost like a bobble head.

  “I’m terrified that I will screw it up, but I’m sure I can figure it out,” he confirms, which has me laughing on the inside.

  “Yes, you can. You know why?” I ask, putting my forehead against his, my fingers scratching the hair at the back of his neck.

  “Why, baby?”

  “Because Pops raised you, I expect nothing less.”

  “Fuck, Shayla…”

  “It’s true, you’re going to make an amazing father.”

  “I’m sorry about tonight,” he apologizes. I take it, knowing it will make him feel slightly better.

  “Thank you, but it wasn’t your fault, we couldn’t have predicted she would do that and you can’t be with me at all times.”

  “Yeah, but Evan and now Gwen?” He reminds me what I’ve already thought about a thousand times tonight.

  “I know, but Evan was my fault, I ignored you, thought I was invincible,” I remind him. That night with Evan was my fault completely.

  “It wasn’t your fault either times this happened—this will be the last time.”

  “Exactly and not yours either, Trey. Okay?” I challenge him. We can’t blame anyone but those who caused me harm.

  “I’m about two seconds away from taking you and running away to the Himalayas to keep you to myself.” We laugh for the first time since we stepped back into this dreadful place.

  “Please do. Can we just get married already?” I tease.

  “We leave Monday, that’s only a few days away, then we’ll be fucking married. Then we’re going to get a house in the suburbs, have our babies, and grow old together.”

  “What a simple, less dramatic life, it sounds like heaven.” This year has challenged us in a multitude of ways. We’ve witnessed heartbreak, beauty, love, and loss. Pops is the only person that I wish could be here to heal this; his words were always comforting, bringing peace when we needed it the most.

  “Take me home, please just take me home.”

  “I’m taking you home-home, we’re going to stay with Kathy in Portland, along with Kingston and Lana, you and Lana have the next few days off and we finished with the band today. We’re gonna take a couple days off before we catch up over the busy weekend.”

  I nod, not complaining one bit. I wish we could take an entire month off, if I’m being honest.

  “How did the conversation with Kingston go?” I ask, remembering the earlier part of the evening before it spiraled to the pits of hell.

  “It went great—terrible at first, but he’s ready to talk to you. Actually, sitting on edge out there waiting. Why don’t you get dressed then meet us outside?” I nod and he stands, getting ready to leave, but before he reaches the door there is a light rap then the nurse enters.

  “Ms. Donovan, I’m the nurse for Dr. Barrett, he wants you to continue with your prenatal and take it easy the next couple of days. Before you leave for California, he would like to see you back in here, just for a precautionary checkup.”

  “Thank you, can we have the ultrasound printout?” I want to keep each one we get, this is a wild journey that we are blessed to be on and even through all the foggy chaos, I see a beautiful clearing ahead. This time I feel it for real—no more drama, no more pain, no more road blocks or speed bumps.

  “You sure can. All right, call into our office first thing in the morning and we’ll set up an appointment.” With a sweet smirk and a swift nod, she leaves us to get the printout and I get dressed. When I’m in just my panties, I feel the strong notion that his eyes are on me. Looking up, I see I’m right.

  “What?” I question, tilting my head and assessing him.

  “You. It feels like a dream, you’re so close in front of me, but it feels unreal to me still.”

  “Still?” I slide my sleep shorts up and tug on his baggy shirt, embarrassed that I rolled up in this hospital looking not only battered but also homeless.

  “I have now come close to losing you multiple times by this crazy shit we call life, when I didn’t even deserve you in the first place.” His confession rolls off his tongue and my insides melt to nothing.

  “Trey. You deserve me, we deserve each other.” I reach for his hand, stepping within inches from him. “We can’t keep letting things that threaten to destroy what we worked hard to build get in our way.”

  He shakes his head, looking at me as if I’m incredulous to everything that happened. “How are you not more shaken up?” He doesn’t sound angry, just unsure, which is understandable.

  “Trey…this all messed me up, my head is fighting a constant battle with my heart. My head says to fear and feel nothing, but my heart is pulling hard and willing me toward relief—closure. I can’t explain it, Trey, but trust me, every day we’re together is another day that we can spend healing.” I want the impact of my words to resonate within, hitting a nerve so deep that he feels it.

  “You’re always saving me, baby,” he says, coming to me, kissing my lips.

  “I try, now can we please leave this place and get home?”

  Smiling, he pulls me into his side, nodding. “Yes, let’s go home.”

  Trey

  PARACHUTE PLAYS QUIETLY THROUGH THE speakers of my truck, both Lana and Shayla asleep. Lana is curled up in the passenger seat next to
me and Shayla is snuggled right into Kingston’s arms in the backseat. I steal random glances every now and then in the rearview mirror, catching glimpses of Kingston’s worried face as he stares down at my sleeping beauty.

  “Hey,” I whisper quietly, causing Lana to stir just a little before falling back asleep. Catching Kingston’s attention, his eyes meet mine in the mirror.

  “Yeah?” he answers me with a soft rasp, keeping Shayla asleep.

  “You okay?” He and Shayla didn’t talk about anything, because the second they saw each other, she dissolved and cried in his arms while Kingston rocked her slowly and hushed her. Halfway to Portland, she and Lana crashed.

  No one was ready to talk, let alone knew where to start if they did. We’re going back to the basics tonight—four best friends just hanging out, forgetting our shit at the door.

  It feels similar to the way it was in high school, me dealing with my family shit, Lana with her abusive, piece of shit ex, Kingston pining over Lana, and then our strong Shayla, so fearless—the glue holding us together. She is the strongest woman I know, she never seemed to be going through things when we were younger—which isn’t true—I wasn’t the only one with mommy issues. But Shayla put on a brave face, held her chin high, and put us all back together. Like a savior.

  “Not really, that wasn’t easy seeing for a second time, I don’t think I can handle seeing my sister in pain ever again. My thick heart is finding itself easier to feel pain—to break.”

  “You have every reason to feel that.” I tell him, looking from the road to Lana then back to him and Shay through the mirror.

  “I find myself wondering, often, how the hell she remained so strong, and so fucking kind, when she has been through some tough shit.”

  My eyes stay focused on the road, it’s dark and nearly midnight, meaning I can’t spend too much time, like I want, stealing glimpses of my beautiful girl. I swear my eyes ache for her face. My obsession for her is palpable, it’s something I’ll never tame, and I hope I never fucking have to.

  “You’re telling me. I’m the lucky fuck that gets to keep that woman forever, and I will tell you this, she’s going to be a great fucking mother.”

  “I realize that now. Thanks for knocking me upside my thick head, by the way.”

  I take a quick moment to think back on our conversation a few hours ago. Kingston about ripped my head off when I opened the conversation with, ‘you better get the fuck over it, because she is mine and I don’t like seeing what’s mine so damn upset.’ I saw my life flash before my eyes; he was ready to fight.

  I think the only reason he stopped himself from starting a fight was because of Shayla, he kept his cool so he could keep her. Kingston knew that if he hit me, he risked losing Shayla. Our love is the number one priority in her life; our relationship comes above all, same as it does for me. I’m her every breath in just as much as she is my every breath out, the beat in my heart skipping the same beats as hers, my soul that aches to be hers while hers begs to be mine, we are one—we are always.

  “That’s what I’m here for, brother. But make it right with Shayla, she needs to hear that from you.”

  “I know, tomorrow I’m taking her to see Dad and we’re gonna talk about it. I want her to feel safe with me.”

  “I know you think we’re still too young but, Kings, I have never wanted anything more than a family with Shayla. Fuck, I don’t just want it, I need it.”

  “I know, man, I hope one day I can be lucky enough.” I don’t miss the way his sad eyes drift to Lana beside me.

  “It will.” I honestly know Lana will come around, she has to. The big bastard wouldn’t stop until she did anyway, so she might as well give in.

  “Yeah. Thank fuck we’re close, my ass is fucking tired. Is Kathy asleep? Or is she going to wait up?” he asks, changing the subject.

  “I know my mom, she’ll be waiting.” He laughs, as do I.

  Sure enough, we pull into the drive just thirty minutes later and the light in the living room is on.

  Jumping out, I round the truck to the backseat on Shayla’s side. Opening the door, I’m met with her heavy green eyes, narrowed as she yawns, looking so damn cute in my shirt.

  “Hey, baby, you sleep okay?”

  Nodding her head, she rubs at her eyes. “I’m exhausted, what time is it?”

  “Just after midnight, let’s get upstairs and get to bed.”

  “Wait, we’re going to bed?” Lana asks beside me, standing in front of Kingston.

  “Yes, why?” Her sleepy face breaks out in a goofy, lopsided grin.

  “Because the four of us are together with no work or school.” She giggles and Kingston pulls her into him tighter, banding his arm around her waist.

  “School? What’re you talking about, baby?” he asks the question we’re all wondering as we stare at Lana.

  “Tonight was shit, and I remember many late night movie sessions, all we could eat treats, and lots of laughs. I say we end this night like we used to always end our shitty nights. Together.”

  “Gosh, I love you.” Shayla speaks first, turning into me, wrapping her arms around my waist, all while keeping her eyes locked on Lana.

  “Baby, are you too tired?” I ask, hearing the front door open, signaling Kathy.

  “Not too tired to spend time with you guys.” Her doe eyes meet mine and I see the desperation in them. Say what she wants, I can see it now that she’s still shaken up about the attack. No way in hell will I deny her now.

  “Come on, dude, this is the first real movie night with the girls as ours, like I get to possibly get some boob action with my cuddles!” Kingston says next to us and we all stare at him, Lana breaking from his grip and slapping his chest.

  “Watch yourself, Donovan, I won’t let you touch shit if you keep up that cocky attitude.” We all laugh before the familiar sound of footsteps on gravel catches our attention.

  “You know you like it, baby,” he mocks, pulling her back in and shoving his face right into her neck, growling. Such a smug dipshit, I can’t believe he gets away with it.

  “Like what?” Kathy says, approaching us. We all laugh and Lana finally breaks free from Kingston while my little woman stays wrapped around me. I don’t tell her what he said; I don’t need to traumatize her with Kingston’s perverted comments.

  “Nothing, Mom, and you should be in bed, you didn’t need to wait for us.” Shayla leaves my side and my body goes cold, losing her heat. Come back.

  “Hey, Mom.” I watch them exchange a hug, and I swear some girly ass shit happens in my chest. I swear I couldn’t control my emotions before I found out about our babies, but now I am a fucking chump, I will never be able to keep my emotions in check if she doesn’t stop fucking owning my heart.

  “Hey, sweet girl, you had me on edge when Trey called me all frantic like he did. You’re okay, right?” We all watch, me more so in wonderment as Kathy cradles Shayla’s face in her skinny hands and holds her stare.

  “I’m safe now with you guys and it makes me feel more than okay, surprisingly.” Kathy smiles, accepting her answer and pulling her in for a brief hug.

  “Oh, we love you.” Kathy is truly a rare breed. I thank my dad for finding her and opening his heart to love after it caused him so much heart ache the first time he thought he found it.

  “Love you, too.” Pulling away, we all say hello to Kathy before we unpack the overnight bags we threw together.

  Walking into the house, Kathy helps us get our rooms squared away. I walk into the bedroom I usually stay in when I visit and right on the nightstand is a picture of me and my dad on his wedding day with Kathy. I was a goofy looking teenager, shaggy hair, a lot leaner body, and a funny grin on my face. My dad looks dressed to the nines in his tux, the look on his face indescribable.

  “I miss him.” Holding up the picture, I sit down on the bed, thinking back to that day.

  “I know, baby. We all miss him,” Shayla reminds me, coming to stand just to the side of where I�
�m sitting.

  “He was so ecstatic this day, I remember it, don’t you?” We had so much fun between the four of us friends. It wasn’t just because we were fucking around and making complete asses out of ourselves on the dance floor, but mainly because we were seeing Pops carefree.

  “I do, you and Kingston got into a cake fight, chasing me and Lana around after you two covered yourselves in it. I was surprised Pops wasn’t pissed as all hell.” I chuckle, my shoulders rising and falling.

  “He couldn’t get mad, he loved my ass too much.”

  “Yes, he did.” My eyes leave the picture and travel to her. Shayla lifts her shirt and runs her delicate, tiny hand over her lower stomach. “He must love us since he put in such a good word.” I feel that familiar sting in my nose, the burn behind my eyelids; so many emotions come bubbling to the surface.

  “Come here,” I tell her, rhetorically. Pulling her straight into my lap, her legs dangling over my knees. Placing my hand over hers, our foreheads meet like magnets.

  “I needed to hear that, you make me believe it.” I haven’t fully healed from my loss, but every day I find it easier to not cry—to not let anyone see me lost like I was when my dad first died. I was a wreck for weeks, and then when Gwen came in, I tried to heal. I became really good at faking it.

  But lately, with all the terrible shit going down, I’m finding that resolve crushing under the pressure and reopening my old wounds.

  “Baby?” Shay’s sweet voice is like a beacon of light in the darkest hours.

  “I miss him; I had to be strong when Gwen came back.” I pause, saying her name is like tasting acid. “I still feel numb inside, missing him like crazy. I want so badly to go to him and tell him to make all this shit better like he always did. What kind of man needs his dad to fix things like I do?” I mumble under my breath, voicing my thoughts subconsciously.

  “A real man, a man capable of feeling, a man capable of surviving the pain.”

  I don’t speak for a long moment, I just stare her over, looking deep into her eyes, trying to figure out when and where I did right in my life to deserve Shayla Donovan.