by Hayes, Lane
“…she put her hands on the rails and hiked one leg over the top to make her great escape and the second I walked in, she ducked under her blanket like she was hiding. How cute was that, Finn?” Josh nudged his handsome partner’s side and quickly answered for him, “It was so fucking cute.”
Finn tousled Josh’s already wild hair and kissed his temple. “You’re a good daddy, Joshy.”
Josh beamed and then snaked his arm around his man. They shared a sappy smile that mimicked the goofy one Grant had on his face when Miles chimed in with his own story about the precocious toddler. Miles had a fabulous air about him. He had auburn hair, brilliant blue eyes, and a mischievous demeanor that was a perfect balance to his extraordinarily handsome former model turned real estate maestro boyfriend. Like I said…eye candy.
“The restaurant is stunning,” Eric commented. “Nick was telling us how much work you’d done. You should be proud, Geordie. It’s gorgeous.”
“Thank you,” I replied.
“That’s true, but the part Eric left out was Nick complaining about all the wine he’s had to help pour on his days off,” Zane interjected mischievously. “True or false, Nick?”
Eric scolded his husband while Nick shrugged and cast a weak apologetic look my way.
“Nicky, I’m shocked,” I lied. “You’re prodigious at the art of pouring Pinot. I put you on the schedule tomorrow for a twelve-hour shift. That won’t be a problem, will it?”
Nick rolled his eyes and then pounced on Josh when he slipped his wineglass from his fingers then handed it to Grant. I chuckled at their antics and stepped backward to avoid being jostled then scanned the crowded room.
It was wall-to-wall people now. A mariachi band had taken over for the trio. The festive music added to the celebratory aura. I spotted Levi chatting with a well-known wine connoisseur and marveled at his poise and calm. He was a natural, I mused. He caught my stare and smiled, and some of my anxiety I’d carried since my run-in with Kevin faded. I wished we were alone, so it would fade away completely and that wasn’t like me.
I loved parties of any kind. Especially ones with live music, tapas, free alcohol and a forum to show off something gorgeous. Like this new restaurant. But this angst was making me feel itchy and out of sorts. Maybe I just needed fresh air. And food.
I grabbed a canapé from a waiter as I made my way outside. The fairy lights definitely lent a warm and inviting atmosphere to the space and on a pleasant summer evening, it was almost preferable to being indoors. I stopped to say hello to a few acquaintances then turned toward the bar setup at the far end of the courtyard and bumped into a wall of a man. He paused to apologize and immediately froze.
“There you are.”
Oh, God. Why was he here? This was like that day with Elliot in the city all over again. Only worse. So much worse.
“Hello, Marshall. How are you?”
I plastered a smile on my face and willed myself to stay in the moment. No time traveling, no sorrow. It was a beautiful night, and this was a lovely party. I wouldn’t go back there. Not now. I cleared my throat, but he was talking again.
“I’m all right. It’s a lovely night in wine country. I can’t complain. I hoped I’d bump into you. Wes told me you were doing well. I’ve been meaning to check on you for a while. To see how you’ve been,” he replied. His bushy dark eyebrows knit with concern, adding another layer of solemnity to his expression.
Wes was so much better at dealing with people like Marshall than me. I bet Levi was too, I mused, glancing hopefully toward the restaurant.
“I’m doing very well. Thank you.”
“Good.” He nodded as though he understood but I could tell he wasn’t with me. His faraway look indicated he was thinking of the past, and he wanted to take me for a ride. No, thank you. I had to pass him along to Wes. Stat.
“Did you see Wes?”
“Yes. He introduced me to Nick. They make a handsome couple.”
“They do. They’re deliriously happy.”
“He introduced me to your new friend too…Levi.” The quirked eyebrow and knowing look made it clear he suspected we were more than friends, but I didn’t dare ask who told him. I just needed to get away from him as quickly as possible.
“That’s nice. Let’s go inside and—”
Marshall pulled at my elbow and shook his head. “It’s a tad noisy inside. Can I talk to you for a moment?”
No! I screamed in my head. No talking. No.
But of course, I allowed myself to be led to a quiet corner under a newly planted olive tree. We’d had a wide, circular bench built around the perimeter. I took a seat and glanced sideways at the large man beside me. Marshall was a six-foot-three bear of a man in his midsixties. Other than white hair and a few more wrinkles, he looked the same to me as he had when Mike introduced us fourteen years ago.
I stopped the memory before it started and marveled instead at the contrast of Marshall’s dark eyebrows with his hair. He could play a convincing mobster. He had the craggy-faced look of someone who’d been around the block a few times. One would never know from looking at him that he was a world-renowned heart surgeon. He’d been a very dear friend of Mike’s. An important person to my very important person, and in spite of the fact that I knew he didn’t care for me, he deserved my respect. So I inclined my head and whispered, “What is it, Marshall?”
“I think about him all the time. It’ll be four years next week, and I suppose the upcoming anniversary has set my mind into overdrive. I’d like to host a memorial service in Mike’s honor next weekend. We haven’t talked much recently, but I wondered if you’d be interested in being part of it.”
“No,” I replied immediately.
“Why not?”
“Because I’ve learned that the fourteenth is a bad day for me. Perhaps another day or—”
“Don’t you think that’s a bit selfish?”
I narrowed my gaze and scooted a few inches away from him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Marshall gave me a disgusted look and huffed. “That man loved you. The least you can do is honor him in death after what he’s given you.”
“Excuse me?”
“Don’t play dumb. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Mike threw everything away for an effeminate diva without a dime in his pocket. He gave up his career and Wes and maybe a portion of his sanity to make you queen of the fucking grapes. Everyone buys your poor widow act, but I see through you. I always did. I tried to warn him, but you cast a pretty strong spell. He wouldn’t listen to reason, and I’m damn sure it’s why he’s dead.”
I gasped in outrage. “I didn’t kill him.”
“Of course you did! You didn’t listen when I told you to bring him to the city for observation. Your party was more important.”
“He wasn’t a child, Marshall. I couldn’t make him do anything.”
“Liar,” he spat angrily. “He would have pulled stars from the sky to make you happy. I hope you enjoy the things he gave you and the life he made possible for you. Think about him while you’re funding your new lover’s business, will ya? That is, if you remember to think about him at all.”
“Fuck you.”
His nostrils flared as he inched into my space and snarled. “I wouldn’t touch you if you were the last man on the fucking planet. You’re poison, Jorge de la Rosa.” He drew my given name out as though it was a distasteful word he’d rather not repeat. Then he stood abruptly and moved toward the restaurant.
I sat with my back against the tree for a few minutes, praying no one would come looking for me. My heart and my head pounded in unison, but the beat was all wrong. I felt sick to my stomach, like I’d been kicked in the gut repeatedly and left on the side of the road. Jesus, I’d forgotten how much Marshall hated me. He always had. I’d laughed it off with ease before Mike died. I wished I could do the same now. I wished I didn’t agree with that bastard. Even just a little bit. I was selfish. I came from nothing and I wanted everything. F
reedom, opportunity, money in the bank. I had more than I ever dreamed, but I hadn’t earned it. Everything I owned was a gift. One I could never repay.
I needed to pull my armor on before I attempted conversation. And if possible, avoid anyone who knew me well until I gathered my wits about me. Ryan and Wes would know something was wrong immediately and Levi…he would too. Escape wasn’t an option. I had to hang on until I could fade away.
Three hours later, I pleaded exhaustion and got a ride home with Wes and Nick. It was well after midnight. The evening had been a grand success but of course, the real work would begin tomorrow. Levi stayed to turn off the lights and lock the doors. I wondered if Kevin had hung around to help. Perhaps there was something symbolic in the staying and going. The pulling away and pushing into place.
I wasn’t capable of deep thoughts in my current condition. I required the path of least resistance with minimal conversation and zero confrontation. So when Levi told me he’d come over as soon as he was done for the night, I nodded in acquiescence. He knew where I kept my spare key and he knew the security codes. I couldn’t dissuade him without explanation, and I didn’t have it in me to try.
I crawled into bed, secured the blankets over my head, and silently tortured myself with a four-year-old memory until the Xanax finished me off and pulled me under.
Unbelievably, I awoke at dawn. I watched Levi sleeping beside me for a moment. I memorized his profile and the gentle rise and fall of his chest. I pressed a kiss to my fingers and set it to his pillow before carefully sliding out of bed. I dressed in black, made coffee, took two Advil, and opened the front door. Sunlight glittered against the fine layer of mist clinging to the grapevines on the hillside above and below me. The quiet and natural beauty of this area was surreal. I lived in a painting, I mused as I started for the porch steps. A wave of nausea hit me like a truck. My liquid diet from the previous evening was catching up with me. I needed bread or a Big Mac. Or just a place to rest for a moment. I perched on the porch step and tried to collect my thoughts.
Kevin and his sadness. Marshall and his—no. I wasn’t ready to think about him. I sipped my coffee and refocused on the day ahead. The party was fabulous. La Vid would be busy today. Nick’s friends would be here all day. I should plan dinner. I should—
Nope. It was no use. I couldn’t stop thinking about Marshall and his ugly accusations and…Mike.
I closed my eyes and let the guilt and sadness wash over me until it covered me like a heavy cloak I couldn’t shake. At some point it would smother me. There had to be a law of gravity associated with grief and—
“Hey. There you are. What are you doing out here?”
“Drinking coffee, nursing a hangover. The usual,” I replied, turning toward the sound of Levi’s voice.
He wore a pair of basketball shorts and nothing else and in his sleepy state, he was more beautiful to me than ever. I sidled closer to him when he sat beside me and then handed over the mug. He took a long drink then gave me a sideways once-over.
“You’re wearing black and drinking black coffee from a black mug on a beautiful day. Something’s up.”
I furrowed my brow. “I always drink black coffee.”
He handed the mug back and shifted to look at me. “True. I can’t decide if you look like a vampire testing the light or a crow.”
“I am not a crow,” I said haughtily as I leaned against him. “I’d rather be a raven.”
“You’re a peacock,” he countered with a laugh. “Why are you wearing black?”
“It’s just a color, darling.”
Levi gave me a sharp look, letting me know the caffeine was kicking in, he was waking up, and he was on to me. I rarely called him darling now. The slip wasn’t intentional, but it certainly indicated something was on my mind.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked softly.
I handed the mug to him again and rested my elbows on my knees. “This and that. The party was wonderful.”
“Thanks to you.”
I gave him a wan smile. “Are you ready for your first day of business?”
“I am.”
“Good. I’ll be sure to send all of our customers at Conrad your way.”
“Thanks. When are you coming by? We’ll open this afternoon at—”
“I can’t come,” I said.
Levi cocked his head then reached out to run his fingers through my hair. “What’s going on, Geord?”
I didn’t answer right away. I didn’t have the words. No…that wasn’t it. I was afraid of the words I did have. We sat in a strained silence that grew with every passing second. The weight of it was crushing. I wanted to lay flat and let gravity pull me into the ground, but moving wasn’t an option. Perhaps this would hurt less if I stayed still.
“Geordie…” he prodded.
“I have to let you go,” I whispered.
Levi pursed his lips and sucked in a breath like he’d been sucker-punched. I stared straight ahead and waited for him to speak.
“Baby, you’re gonna have to talk to me. I don’t know what you’re trying to say. Is this about Kevin or—?”
“No. Maybe a little but no.”
Levi let out an exasperated sigh. “What happened, Geordie?”
Silence. I hoped I could let it do the talking for me but when he let it go on, I caved. “He loves you, Levi. He wants another chance, and I think you should give him one.”
He scoffed and widened his eyes comically. “What the fuck?”
“You heard me.”
“I did, and you make zero sense. I’m not buying it.”
I stood abruptly and paced on the swath of gravel in front of the steps. “Of course it makes sense. Kevin saw you kiss me, it upset him, and we talked. He admitted he followed you to Napa to get you back. He wasn’t ready before, but he’s busted out of the closet, found his inner-queen, and is runway-ready for take two. He’s willing to move here, start over, and live a happy homo existence with you.”
“And you’re fine with that?”
“No, I want to gouge his eyes out, but that’s not a good reason to keep you from your forever love,” I said emphatically.
Levi smacked his palm against his forehead then drained the rest of the coffee and shook his head. “There is not enough caffeine in the world for this. First of all, Kevin is not my forever love. He wasn’t my forever anything. We outgrew each other, and there’s no going back. We fit a role in each other’s lives for a short time. That’s all.”
“Like us.”
He sighed heavily and regarded me for a moment before speaking. “I don’t love Kevin, and I don’t want to get back together with him, so let’s cut through the bullshit. You’re a generous guy, but sharing a boyfriend isn’t your style any more than it’s mine so—”
“But you are sharing me with someone else. How is that fair?”
That stopped him. He looked like I’d slapped him.
“Is that what’s happening?” he asked softly.
“I don’t know. Maybe,” I replied in a ragged tone. “I’m afraid I’ve forgotten myself. I’ve forgotten my place and my sorrow, and it felt so fucking good. But I can’t have it.”
“Can’t have what?”
“You. I can’t have you.” I swiped at my nose and looked at the ground before glancing at him again. “I want you so bad. I love having you near me. I love when you walk into a room. I love the way you smell and the way you laugh but…I can’t love you. I can’t. I gave it all away once before. There’s nothing left. I’m empty.”
“Geordie,” he whispered. “You aren’t empty. You—”
“I don’t think you really see me.” I sniffed and then gritted my teeth, hoping it would keep my tears at bay. “I’m like a bird with broken wings. I look pretty on the outside, but on the inside I’m a fucking mess. In one breath I can convince you I’m on top of the world and completely in control. The truth is, I’m a bottomless well of emptiness and nothing like the person you deserve. You’re a
young man with a new lease on life. And I’m an old queen rotting in a field of grapes like a fucking raisin. I talk to ghosts, Levi. I practically am a ghost!”
“That’s not true. And this isn’t about Kevin, and I don’t think it’s about Mike either. What happened last night?”
“Why do you think something happened?” I countered.
“Because I know you.”
I was quiet for a long moment then reclaimed my spot next to Levi on the porch step. “Marshall was there.”
“Who’s Marshall?”
“Mike’s cardiologist. And friend. He hates me. He thinks I’m a ridiculous gold digger from the wrong side of the tracks.”
“He sounds like an asshole.”
“Well, he did get two out of three right. I am ridiculous, and I’m definitely from the wrong side of the tracks but then again, he doesn’t know me. Not really. Mike was the first person who ever bothered trying to figure me out. He saw right through me. He saw my brokenness, my ugly side, my mean streak and my pettiness and he still…” I wiped at the tears gathering at the corner of my eye. “He still thought I was beautiful. He’d say silly things like, ‘You’re a beautiful, rare bird. A Geordie Bird.’ ”
“So that’s where Birdie comes from, huh?” Levi asked, stroking my ear then rubbing the back of my neck.
“He had a million lines like that. He’d say I could be the queen of his castle. He’d give me a home on a hill in the most beautiful city in the world. He’d build me an empire of grapes, so I never ran out of wine to drink.” I smiled at the faraway memory. “I was lucky to know him. And then I was lost without him. Utterly lost. The grief and guilt were—”
“Guilt? Why would you feel guilty?”
“I killed him.”
“Excuse me?”
“It was my fault he missed his appointment with Marshall. He stayed here to help host a party. But the party never happened. He died that morning in his sleep. Cardiac arrest. According to the good doctor, I killed him. And he’s probably right.”
“Jesus, Geord.”
I looked over at Levi and pulled my arms around my knees. “It’s true. The week he died…he complained about chest pains. He called Marshall, who insisted that Mike drop everything and head to the city for an exam. He set an appointment to go the next morning but then postponed it for the following week when I said…”