by Hayes, Lane
“What did you say?” he prodded.
“I said we needed him here,” I choked. “For a fucking Bastille Day event. Can you believe that? In my defense, he said he was feeling one hundred percent better when he asked for my opinion. ‘What do you want me to do, Geord? Should I stay, or I should I go?’ I might have saved his life if I’d made the correct choice. That was my fork in the road. Stay or go. I said ‘stay’ and he died. If he’d kept his appointment, he might still be here. Of course, then you wouldn’t be here, and that kills me all over again. What does that say about me? Marshall’s right. I’m a selfish bastard. I take and I take and I’m not sure what I’m giving back.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“No. I can’t be sure anymore. I wonder if I’m desensitized. I woke up next to a dead man and…I died too. Inside, anyway. Maybe instead of the quick death I’d hoped for, I’m slowly dying and I’m pulling good people down with me. You should be careful what you ask for when you say you want forever. Always read the fine print, Levi. This is my new forever. I’m just a number at the DMV. F 23.”
“Actually that was my number.”
“Huh?”
“You were F 22. I was F 23. We’re going together.”
“But we might not. Don’t you get it?”
“Of course I get it! There are no guarantees. You got robbed and you lost someone you loved and I’m sorry. But baby…you aren’t alone.” Levi stood slowly then offered me his hand. He turned my palms over then kissed each one and then let go. “And you aren’t a quitter. You’re a fierce fighter with a giant heart, and you’re the bravest man I’ve ever met. You didn’t kill him. And you aren’t responsible for his death. Stop punishing yourself. Your biggest weakness is also your greatest strength. When you love, you don’t let go.
“You’ve been in my head since the day I first saw you. You’re wild and temperamental one minute then sweet and funny and sassy the next, and I know I’m in over my head. But I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep up with you ’cause I’m brave and crazy enough, and there’s something in you that makes me think I can be anyone I want to be. But I know my limits. I can’t fight a dead man.”
Silence. Neither of us knew how to touch that, but it was up to me to try.
“What happens now?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Will we be fr-friends?” I sniffed, hating the sound of that word the second it left my mouth.
“Friends. Fuck, I don’t know if I can do that.” He brushed his hand through his hair and looked away from me as though he needed a moment to get his emotions under control. He turned back to me with a crooked smile that broke my heart. “I’m not asking you to forget your past. I’d never ask you to forget Mike. Ever. All I want is to know if there’s room for me too.”
“I can’t ask you to wait for me.”
Levi huffed incredulously. “Don’t you get it? I don’t have a choice. You’re the other part of me, Geord. I love you.”
My breath hitched audibly. “Levi…”
“Shh. I love you. And I’ll wait forever if I have to. You’re it for me. My sun, my moon…you’re mine.” He swiped at his eyes and swallowed hard. “But I won’t pressure you. I’ll set you free.”
“What do you mean?”
“You need space. To think, to grieve…to just be. I’m not going anywhere. You know where to find me. If it’s a day or week or a year or ten years from now…I’ll be here. And I’ll know when you come back to me that you’re ready to begin again. I can wait.”
Levi rubbed my tears away with his thumbs and then gathered me close and rocked me from side to side. He pulled back slightly; then he kissed me tenderly and turned away.
I stared after him for a long moment, unsure of what to do. My chest was heavy and I wasn’t sure my feet would move. So I sat and waited.
Levi appeared in the door a few minutes later wearing a worn concert tee, jeans, and a pair of sneakers. He slung a backpack over his shoulder and adjusted his black helmet under his arm then moved down the short set of stairs to the pink scooter parked next to a planted topiary.
“By the way, I brushed up on my Streisand trivia and forgot to impress you. She released her biggest hit, ‘The Way We Were’ in 1973, which coincidently, is right before you were born.” He set his helmet on his head and fastened it then straddled the Vespa and turned on the engine. “You hate that song.”
My lips trembled when I replied. “It’s too sad.”
“I know. I get it. At the end of the day, you’re just like everyone else, baby. You just want to be happy.”
He gave me a heartbreakingly poignant look before steering the scooter down the gravel path toward the winery.
And that was when I officially broke.
I made it inside, closed the door, moved into the living room, and crashed face-first onto the sofa…and fell apart. I didn’t cry. I unraveled quietly. I pulled a throw blanket over my head and let the void swallow me slowly. It climbed inside me and spread through my veins, leaving me with a heavy, hollow feeling of absolute…nothingness.
Chapter 12
“Geordie? Geordie, wake up.”
I blinked awake but pulled the blanket farther over my head. “No.”
Ryan tugged at the corner and yanked it back, exposing me to sun-streaked walls and a beautiful day. “Sit up. I brought you coffee. It’s noon, and I know you don’t usually drink coffee past noon, but I think you need it. And toast. I was going to put avocado on it, but I left it plain in case you aren’t feeling well.”
I stared at his tousled curls. With the sunlight behind him, he looked like an angel. I reached for his hand and squeezed it affectionately. “When did you get here?”
“An hour ago. I tried to wake you once, but you wouldn’t budge. I have to get to the tasting room soon. It’s getting busy. We need you. I can manage everything today. You don’t have to do much. Just pour wine.” He brushed his fingers over my eyebrows and gave me a teary smile. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. You look like you’re going to cry, though. What’s wrong, Ryan?”
He shook his head as though he was going to deny it; then he let out a rush of pent-up air and considered me for a moment.
“You worried me.”
“I’m fine,” I lied. “I just didn’t sleep well. I’ll get ready.”
“Danny can handle things for another half hour. There’s no hurry, and…I need to talk to you.”
I sat up and thanked him when he pressed a cup into my hands. “What is it?”
“I know it’s always bad this week, but I thought it was finally getting better. I didn’t think too much about it when you didn’t show up on time this morning. I figured you were up late celebrating with Levi, but then you didn’t answer your cell, so I called him and he told me you needed space and…fuck, Geordie, how much more space can you possibly need?” He huffed in exasperation and licked his lips.
“This time every year, we take turns watching over you. Me and Wes. Did you know that? The first year was the worst. It was hard for everyone…but you, most of all. You’re a good actor, but I know you pretty well. I can tell your mood by the songs you choose and the color shoes you wear. You’re a walking mood ring,” he said with a half laugh. “You always were, but the moods were happy. And you’ve been so happy again. Why would you push that away? Why are you punishing yourself? Maybe you don’t have any answers, but…I can’t lose you, Geord.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I whispered.
Ryan sniffed. “I know, but it scares me sometimes. The black, the isolation, too many Barbra songs in a row. Mike would hate this. He’d be so pissed at you. And at Wes and me for letting this go on.”
“Don’t do that, Ry.”
“It’s true and you know it. People tend to make their loved ones into saints when they’re gone, and Mike wasn’t a saint by any means, but he was always honest. He told me he didn’t start living until he met you. You, Geordie. You’re the special
one. He’d be the first to say it. You live out loud. You don’t compromise, and you don’t back down. So why start now? You didn’t die, and you shouldn’t apologize for it. You’re alive and well, and you owe it to him and to me and Wes and everyone else who loves you, including Levi, to live. To really fucking live.”
I could barely see through the sheen of tears in my eyes. I leaned over to set the cup on the coffee table then pulled Ryan against me and hugged him close.
“I’m just hungover,” I lied. “It’s not the end of the world.”
Ryan rolled his eyes. “You’re impossible. Just stop wearing black. Please?”
“You are a funny little man, Ryan darling. If I haven’t told you lately, I love you,” I said, drying my eyes with my sleeves like a child.
“I love you too, Geord. We’re family. We have to look out for each other.”
“Yes. Always. You should get back to work. I’ll be there soon.”
“Okay. Come when you can, okay? Just don’t make me come back here,” he glowered playfully then kissed my cheek and stood.
“Give me twenty minutes. I’ll be there. But Ryan…”
“Yes?”
“Don’t be alarmed if I’m dressed like this or if I tell you I’m taking a couple of days off starting tomorrow.”
He furrowed his brow. “Um…”
“Trust me. I’ll be okay. I promise you.”
Ryan inclined his head after a moment then let himself out. I reached for the coffee but changed my mind and jumped to my feet instead. I didn’t want to be in my head anymore. I needed fresh air and the company of people I loved. Somewhere in the midst of a regular chaotic Sunday, I’d give myself the pep talk required to begin again.
In spite of my cathartic breakthrough, the rest of my Sunday sucked. I dodged Wes’s concerned looks and his questions about Marshall while I alternately chatted nonstop with Nick’s college buddies and their partners and helped various customers select their favorite reserve. Other than the return of my black couture, I probably seemed perfectly together. I wasn’t. Between staring at the clock, sifting through my thoughts, and wishing like hell I was with Levi and that all the words that needed to be said were already said, I was manic. But I made it through the day.
The following morning, I left my house at nine a.m. and drove toward the main lot. I slowed my car and waved at Wes as he jumped out of a golf cart. He signaled for me to stop and roll down my window. He was dressed in basic work gear. Khaki pants and a black Conrad Winery polo shirt. He looked fresh and clean but knowing Wes, he’d already been in the warehouse for a couple of hours.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“Out.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“You have no idea where I’m going,” I countered irritably before softening my tone. “I may be gone a while anyway.”
He held my gaze in his signature no-nonsense way. “I think I do, and if you think I’m right, then let me come along. I won’t interfere but at the very least, I can be your chauffeur.”
I considered him for moment then gave in. “Fine.”
He waited for me to switch seats before sliding behind the wheel of my Mercedes. Then he fastened his seat belt and drove along the cypress-lined drive toward the main street. We didn’t talk much. I asked a few questions about his plans for the day. He shared his schedule and a funny story about a new intern with a mad crush on Nick.
“She asks me five times a day if my ‘friend’ is coming to visit,” he huffed. “I correct her and explain that the hot geek is actually my boyfriend, but she doesn’t listen.”
“Hmm. Did you try ‘life partner’? That might help. Husband would be better of course. You should ask Nick to marry you,” I said, staring out the window at the ribbon of vines winding through the hillside.
“I’m going to,” he replied quickly. “Soon.”
I shifted to face him and smiled. “Good. You’re going to ask me to be your best man, aren’t you?”
“Well, you are my best friend so…probably.” He shrugged nonchalantly then turned right into a wide driveway and pointed at the signage near the entry. “This is what you wanted, right?”
“Yes.”
Wes slowed the car then reached for my left hand and squeezed it before proceeding through the wrought iron cemetery gates. My heart rose and lodged in my throat. I hadn’t been here in four years, and I’d intended not to return until I was literally carried in a box. But here I was traveling the same tree-lined path, wondering if every cemetery in the country was as picturesque and park-like as this one. They actually gave tours through the historic section on the far end. Mike dragged me on a tour once. He’d been a huge history buff with a morbid fascination for old graveyards.
“When I die, bury me here, Geordie Bird,” he said.
I rolled my eyes irritably and reminded him he wasn’t “antique” enough to be buried in that section.
“True. Well then choose a spot under a tree, and put a bench in front of me so you have a place to sit. I’ll float around you like Casper the friendly ghost.”
“That’s not even remotely funny.”
“It was a joke. I wouldn’t want you to visit me here anyway. Do the bench and one of those statues you like in the garden at home, and we’ll chat there. You can tell me about your day and I’ll float around you like…Oooo.” He threw his head back and laughed like a loon when I crossed my arms and glared at him.
But I’d done as he asked.
I stared at the lone bench under the tree and closed my eyes for a moment before pushing aside the memories and turning to Wes. “How did you know I wanted to come here?”
“Your cologne.”
“What?”
“I sniff wine for a living, Geord. The return to black and the cologne you haven’t worn in four years…I know you, and I notice things,” Wes replied.
I nodded slowly then reached for the door handle. “Wait for me, please. I need to be alone but…thank you. I’m glad you’re here.”
“Always.”
I took one last deep breath then opened the car door and made my way to the bench. I set my fingertips on the edge and bit my lip hard before finally looking at the stone. I read his name, the date of his birth, the date he died, and the script underneath and then covered my mouth to hold back my sob and my laughter.
This man lived in service to his queen. With love and happiness and joy.
“I can’t believe you wanted this on your gravestone. You silly old man.” I sat on the bench and chuckled around the lump in my throat. “If you’re floating around me now, come sit for a moment. I want to tell you something. You probably already know, but I suppose I need to say this for my own sake.” I patted the empty space beside me and conjured an image of the man I’d spent ten years of my life loving. In my mind, I could see his kind smile as he patiently waited for me to tell him something he’d known all along. No doubt he humored me in death the way he had in life.
“Go on, Birdie. Say it out loud.”
“I promised I’d love you forever. And I do and I will, but I’ve fallen in love with Levi. Madly, head over heels in love with him. I didn’t think it was possible to love more than one person. It feels different, but it feels right. More than that, I feel like this might be a gift. Like something you’d want for me. So if I’m not in the garden as much as usual, it’s not because I’ve forgotten you. I just need to be here for him too, to give him everything I can.”
I sat quietly for a minute or two before glancing at the empty space beside me. I lifted my hand to Mike’s shoulder height and moved my fingers through the air like I was ruffling his hair. He’d loved that. He’d loved quiet chats on sunny afternoons on his bench under the olive tree. He’d loved to hear my colorful breakdown of the comings and goings at the winery. He was the world’s best listener. My very best audience. Most of all, I think he loved being with me. He hated to be alone. And he wouldn’t want me to be alone now, not when there was a whole li
fe out there waiting for me.
“Watch over me, my darling. And remember, I’ll always love you.”
I pressed a kiss on my fingers and blew it toward the empty space beside me then stood and made my way back to Wes. He waited for me to approach the car before pulling me into his arms.
“Did he say anything?” Wes asked as he stepped back.
I brushed at my cheeks and gave him a lopsided smile. “He said, ‘Tell Wes to get a haircut.’ And then I think he said…‘Be happy.’ ”
Wes laughed and kissed my forehead. “Sounds about right. Where to now?”
“Well, I need to change my clothes and then…I’ll figure it out. It’s a little fuzzy. I just hope I get it right.”
“You will. C’mon, Birdie. Let’s go home.”
Wes turned toward the gravestone and lifted his hand to his forehead in a brotherly salute before moving to the driver’s side of the car. My smile widened at the gesture. And perhaps my fanciful side kicked in, but I could have sworn I felt Mike with us in that moment, wrapping us in his aura of peace and hope and love.
A light breeze kicked up in the parking lot at La Vid. It wasn’t quite noon, but it was already hot as hell. The restaurant was currently “Dinner Only,” so the lot was empty except for Levi’s Tahoe and a truck I assumed belonged to Rico or the manager. I usually loved an audience but not today. I nudged my sunglasses higher on my nose and paced the length of the car and back again, reciting my speech in my head. I caught my reflection in the window and nervously smoothed the stray hair off my forehead as I gave myself a pep talk. “You’ve got this. You can do it. Just don’t say anything too outrageous, and don’t do anything crazy. You don’t want to scare him away.”
I sucked in a cleansing breath then marched to the front door. It was locked. I peered inside, looking for signs of life, and knocked. No answer. I should have called. Or texted. I lowered my sunglasses and pulled my phone from my bag to do both just as a shadow fell over me. My heart skipped and then soared when I glanced up at the gorgeous man on the other side of the glass. He was dressed for summer in a light-blue oxford shirt with khaki shorts. And dammit, he was so…beautiful.