by R. S James
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I say, “You have no idea how scared I’ve been doing this alone. I have wanted you by my side every step of the way, but I knew I couldn’t have you, if you didn’t trust me. That first week, after I was discharged, was the hardest. I wanted-- no needed my other half, and I waited and waited to hear from you, and I got nothing. I thought to myself, if he can forget me that easily, then what could he do to our kids? That’s why I filed for divorce.”
“I’m sorry so sorry, baby. If you forgive me, I promise to never do something so stupid again.”
“It’s not about forgiveness. I need to know you trust me. I need it to be more than words. I can’t bring you back into our lives, unless I know that you are one hundred percent here for the long haul. We need you here full time; not when things are black and white. There are going to be times that I don’t tell you stuff; you have to trust me to do what is best for all of us.”
“What do you mean you won’t tell me stuff?”
“Do you want to know when our daughter gets her period? Things like that?”
“We are having a girl?”
“I don’t know. I find out next Thursday.”
“What time? Is someone going with you?”
“It’s at one fifteen, and no, I’ve been going by myself. I didn’t feel like it was anyone’s place to go, except yours. Mom and Maddox have asked, but I turned them down. If I couldn’t have you there with me, I went alone.”
“Can I come with you?”
“Yeah. I would really like that! So, who do you have to buy for today? What stores are you planning on taking me to?”
It’s the following Tuesday, and its Ralph’s funeral. I’m finishing up my paperwork, then heading to the funeral home. The knock on my door shocks me, and in comes June, Ralph’s home nurse. Holding eye contact with her, I get up and round my desk and take her in my arms. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save him. He was my favorite person.”
“Oh, Carly. Don’t be sorry. It was his time to go, and it didn’t matter what you had done. He was going to go. I’m glad you weren’t here. Sit with me and tell me what has been going on in your life.”
“Well, Xavier is back, but I’m being cautious. I don’t want to get hurt again. We’ve hung out every day, since last Friday. He has asked to come with me Thursday to find out the sex of the babies.”
“Sweet girl, why are you being cautious? If you have never experienced hurt and heart break, then you have never really truly loved, and if that is the case, you should just throw your towel in now. I want to ask you a question. Now, be honest with me. If you knew you were going to lose Ralph, would you have taken him on?”
“Absolutely, without a doubt. I’m stronger than I was before, because of him. He made me realize I had to forgive my dad for me. If I could have chosen grandparents for myself, I’d have chosen you, too.”
“Do you think Ralph never had problems? Don’t you think it hurt him, when his daughter was killed, and then his wife died?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to think he never felt what I’m feeling now.”
“There was a time when my husband and I were younger and raising our kids, and money was tight. We were arguing, and he said, “I’m not sure it’s worth it to me anymore.” My heart shattered, when we got home, and I packed up the kids and I and left. I was gone for three days, when he came after me. He apologized, and we both had to learn to live without some things for a while. He also agreed I should work outside our home.”
“Wow, I don’t know what to say.”
“Sweet girl, there is nothing for you to say. I just wanted you to know every relationship has its ups and downs. Don’t you get angry with your mom or your brother? Those relationships are no different. Every relationship takes work; you must decide, if it’s worth the work you put into it. I believe you two are worth it. One final piece of advice, before I go, do you think you are truly living, right now? If you don’t want to feel like this for the rest of your life, then take a chance. I love you.”
Standing up with her, I wrap her up in my arms. Leaning back, I drop my forehead to hers and whisper, “Thank you, and I love you.” Nodding her head, she turns to leave, but stops and hands me an envelope.
“Ralph asked me to give this to you. He loved you very much.” Sitting down at my desk again, I have a war going on inside me. I want so bad to read what he has to say to me, but I don’t want to let him go. Finally, I open the envelope, and the letter falls out.
My Dearest Carly,
If your reading this, then I’m in heaven. If there is one thing, I can tell you about life, it’s this. At the end of the day, all you need is hope and strength. Hope that it will get better, and strength to hold on, until it does. Never settle. There is no would have, could have, or should have. Only what is and what is done is done. You cannot go back, so don’t dwell on it. If you don’t make mistakes, then you don’t live. If you don’t feel the hurt from a broken heart, then you’ve never loved. This one I know is going to be hard for you, but always remember YOU MATTER, too. If you are tired take the day off, or shut your phone off, because the world will continue. Forgive, not for them for you. Live your life to the fullest. It’s the only one you get. Love with everything in you. It’s here today and gone tomorrow. Never regret anything, because it’s what made you happy at the time. Never lose faith or hope. Don’t worry or put too much stock in what people say, because you must be true to you. This is your life, and it’s your one shot. Hold on to the man that loves and accepts all your flaws and perfection. If you choose the wrong one, well don’t worry. Sometimes, the love of your life comes after the mistake of your life. Walk your own path, don’t do what is “expected of you” just because it’s expected do what makes you happy. My advice to you on love is this marriage is about becoming a team. You’re going to spend the rest of your lives together, learning about each other, and every now and then, things blow up. But the beauty of marriage is that if you picked the right person, and you both love each other completely, you’ll figure out a way to get through it. Stay strong sweet girl, whatever is currently happening will pass. There is always someone or something worth living for. Never doubt your strength. There are people who love you. When life gives you a hundred reasons to break down and cry, show life that you have a hundred and one reasons to smile and laugh. I’m not saying don’t ever cry, because sometimes, we need tears to heal our souls. If you believe nothing else, please believe this, you don’t need to be saved. You need to be found and appreciated, exactly for who you are. You deserve the love you keep trying to give everyone else.
Love always,
Ralph
Making it through the funeral, is harder than I thought it would be. Towards the end, I start cramping, so instead of going to the dinner, I go home to rest. Waking up a couple hours later and the cramping is getting worse, I decide to call my doctor. Of course, she wants to see me. Once I get to the hospital, she puts me in a room to monitor me for a couple hours. I don’t think anything of it, so I don’t call or text anyone. The cramping doesn’t stop, so I must stay overnight. Finally, it relaxes enough the doctor is comfortable letting me go home. However, I’m on bed rest. So, I call a cab to come pick me up and take me home. Once I get home, I don’t want to do anything, except take a shower and a nap in my bed. It feels like I just laid down and closed my eyes, when I hear the pounding on my door. Slowly, I get up and answer it; their stands Xavier, Carson, and Mom. Letting them in, I walk slowly back to the couch and set down, putting my feet up.
“You want to tell me why I had to receive a text message from my husband, telling me that my daughter had been admitted to the hospital and was now off work and on bed rest? While I got nothing from said daughter?”
“Look, I know I was wrong okay? I have been under more stress than usual, and it just caught up with me. My doctor told me the babies were okay, I was okay. It was just my body telling me to slow down. So, that is what I did, I slowed down. I didn’t w
ant any stress of you guys freaking out, so I didn’t tell anyone. It’s nothing personal, I promise. I’m sorry if that hurts you. I just needed time to think and to relax.”
“Really, not personal? I hate to be the ‘bad guy’ here, but I’m your mom! I should have been called!”
“Claire, I know your upset and worried, as we all are, but as Carly said she just needed time to decompress. I’m sure after everything she and I have been through, and now with Ralph, she just needed to breathe. The good thing is she is okay and home. Carly, are our babies okay? Can I stay with you?”
“Yes, the babies are fine, and yes, we need to talk anyway. I need to go to the bathroom, and then back to my bed. Momma, I’m sorry I didn’t call I just needed to get myself in the right head space to make some decisions. Carson, I love you, and if Xavier can’t take me to the doctor tomorrow, can you?”
“Carly, I’ll be staying here with you and taking you to all of your appointments from here on out.”
“Okay, we have a lot to talk about.”
Getting up, I hug both my mom and my brother, before making my way to the bathroom then on to my bed. A few minutes later, I hear the door shut, and then Xavier is in my doorway.
“Baby, do you know how worried I’ve been?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want anyone to worry. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone.”
“Baby, I’ll always worry about you. Just like you will always worry about me and our babies.”
“I’m sorry. I spoke with June, before the funeral Tuesday, because she came to my office. She helped me see the bigger picture, which helped me in making my decision. I have decided that I can’t live this way anymore. I can’t put anyone above you. I need you, --no I want you. I know that if something were to happen to either of us tomorrow, I’d rather have what time we have to be together rather than apart. I’d rather hurt occasionally, than feel nothing at all, which is what I’ve been doing, since the attack. I know I’d never find someone, who I could have a conversation with without saying a word. The smile on your face lets me know you need me. The touch of your hand says you will catch me if I fall. I feel the most alive when you hold me close and our hearts beat in sync. I don’t want to go through life wondering “what if.” What if I told you how I feel? What if I tried a little harder? When I close my eyes, I see yours looking in my soul. I’ve missed everything about you. After everything we’ve been through, I want you just as much now as I did in the very beginning.”
“Baby, I’m so sorry. I want you and no one else. This ring on the third finger on my left hand, it hasn’t come off, since you put it on, on our wedding day. I refuse to take it off, and when they lower my body into the ground, it will still be on my finger.” Leaning his forehead against mine with our hands cradling our babies, he says,. “I love you babe, and I want us forever. I don’t ever want to go to sleep at night without you beside me.”
Laying down and cuddling into Xavier, he keeps his arms wrapped around me.
*****
It’s time to go to the doctor and find out the sex of these little beans. I’m so excited and nervous at the same time. I haven’t had any more cramping, but it’s still nerve racking. Walking out to the car, I feel a calm settle over me, as soon as Xavier places his hand on the small of my back. When we pull up to the doctor’s office, Xavier drops me off at the door. I go and sign in. He’s back, before I even get sit down. We only wait about ten minutes, before we are called back. They take my weight, make me pee in a cup, and draw more blood, before I finally make it to a room. Finally, Dr. Young comes into check on me. “Hey, Carly. How is the cramping? Anymore spotting?”
“Cramping is almost all gone, and not really any spotting just a little discharge.”
“Well, let’s look and see if everything still looks good. Are we going to find out the sex of these little ones today?”
“Yes, please. Dr. Young. I’d like to introduce you to my husband, Xavier.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Xavier. How has our patient been? I can’t imagine her being good at being on bed rest.”
“She has been doing pretty well. However, it’s not even been twenty-four full hours yet. No, I don’t believe she will be good at being on bed rest. Together, she and I will make it work.”
“From the blood work taken Tuesday compared to today, it’s much better. The babies are measuring perfect. Now, let’s look and see if we can get a good look and see what they are! Well, baby A is not shy, and he is letting it all hang out!”
“Oh, baby. We are having a boy! Are you happy?”
“As long as they are happy and healthy, I don’t care what the sex of either one is.”
“Now, for baby B. She’s a bit shy and is tending to hang in the back. However, they both seem to be perfect. I want you on bed rest at least, until I see you next week, and the less stress the best.”
“Thank you, doctor. Would it be alright to take her out to lunch, before we go home, and maybe the grocery store?”
“Yes, to lunch, but the grocery stores only if you’re in and out, unless she rides in a wheel...”
“No. I’ll wait in the car, or you can go, and I’ll stay home. I refuse to ride in a wheelchair.”
Laughing, the doctor leaves and Xavier helps me up. Heading out to check out and schedule next week’s appointment, Xavier asks, “Are we going to tell people or let it be a surprise?”
“I don’t know. What do you think?”
“I think we should tell them, but each person differently and make it special just for them.”
“Ok, I’m ready for a nap.”
“Let’s get you home and get a nap, and then we can go out for dinner. Maybe even invite your mom, Maddox, Caitlynn, and Carson?’
“Umm, I’m not sure. I think mom’s feelings are still hurt about the being admitted to the hospital.”
“Babe, let’s take a nap then talk about it okay?”
“Ok, thanks for coming with me today. I love you.” Leaning up, I brush my lips a crossed his. Making our way out to the car, I hear someone holler my name, turning I see Caitlynn running full speed at me. At the last second, Xavier swoops in and grabs her up, before she crashes into me.
“Sissy, I miss you. Can I come to your house today, while Dad is at work? Mom has to go see the doctor, and Jackson is not going to school today.”
“Honey, I can’t. The doctor wants me to stay off my feet.”
“Oh, sweet girl. Can you help me? We have to take extra good care of Carly. She has to stay in bed, so if she wants a drink, then we have to bring it to her.”
“Yes! I’m da bestest helper eber!! And I wub my sissy and her babies!”
Xavier looks over at me, and I nod. I cannot say “no” to her, and he knows it.
“Let’s go see your mom and let her know that you’re coming home with us.”
“Otay.”
“Babe, can you walk with us, or do you want to hang here at the car?”
“No, I’ll go. If I can’t make it all the way, then I can sit on the bench.”
At the bench, I know I can’t make it the rest of the way, so I sit down. I feel someone sit down next to me. looking to the side I see it’s my mom.
“Hey.”
“Hey. I’m sorry.”
“I know, baby girl. You will get it, when you have your babies, and something happens to them, and you find out after the fact. Just hearing it causes fear to consume you. The worst part is there is NOTHING you can do to help. No matter how old you are you will ALWAYS be my little girl, and I will ALWAYS worry about you and, I love you.” I have tears streaming down my face, when she is done.
“Momma, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I love you, too. I’m glad I always have you to call, when I need to talk to someone, and when I need expert advice. I don’t ever want to cause you to worry or stress over me. From now on, I promise I will call you!!”
“So, what are my grand babies?”
“Nice try, Mom. I believe we ar
e either having you guys over for dinner or taking you out tonight. We will tell you then.”
“Okay, take your sister and your husband and go home and rest!”
“Love you, Mom.”
When we get home, Caitlynn is sleeping, so Xavier lays down in bed with me.
“When I found out you left the hospital, I figured you were just at the hotel waiting for me. Then I got there and everything and you were gone. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t want you here with me. I couldn’t laugh, cry, scream, or be angry I just couldn’t feel. There was a fear that consumed me. I don’t ever want to feel that again, or cause anyone to feel that. I’m so sorry I didn’t call, when I was admitted in the hospital. I love you and am so glad I get to spend the rest of my life with you by my side.”
“Baby, I love you more than life itself. There is nothing I won’t do for you.”
Laying in his arms I feel lighter, like a weight has been lifted from my chest. One of my biggest problems is and always has been expressing my feelings. I feel someone watching me, opening my eyes I see its’ Caitlynn.
“Sissy, can we watch Frozen and eat popcorn?”
“Shah yes, I’ll meet you in the front room.”