Losing You

by Corina Eichholz

  “What was it like?” she asked dreamily.

  “Annoying, now stop,” I lied and was never more grateful to see a teacher. Mrs. Storppe came in and started class right away. Em gave me one last curious and skeptical look before she walked to her desk. Derek, Em, and Tara were all waiting at my locker when I went to get my lunch for detention. Em and Tara with looks of glee and curiosity but Derek just look pissed, seriously pissed.

  “Hey,” I said, opening my locker.

  “Where are you going?” Tara asked, as I took out my lunch and a book I took out from the library.

  “Detention,” I told them, feeling nervous. They all stared.

  “You got detention!” Em laughed.

  “James. Yeah, first time for everything.” I shrugged; flustered.

  “He’s bad news you should stay away,” Derek said possessively. I nodded and left them to go to my detention. I liked it when James was protective but I didn’t like possessive Derek, it was weird. I should like Derek but I felt no chemistry at all, only as a friend, nothing more. Weird. James came in the detention room after me and sat at the desk right beside me. No one else was in detention, we were alone. Mrs. Becker walked in, her big heels clacking against the tiled floor.

  “I’ll be back, I’m just going to get some lunch,” she said, a small smile on her round face. Neither James nor I spoke for the first five minutes. Finally, he spoke.

  “I’m sorry. Really, you don’t know how sorry I am and for how long,” he confessed, looking straight into my soul with his dark hazel eyes.

  “And you don’t know how much you hurt me,” I said back softly. I remembered his words clear as crystal.

  “I know Michaela,” he said quietly. I didn’t understand.

  “Why?” I asked feeling angry that he left me for them and all of his hurtful words that ran on in my head:

  “Because we’re not friends,” he had said, hurting me for the first time and the blows didn’t stop there. “We were never friends,” his words were cold and burned me. I stood there open mouthed, while Gert and the others all watched snickering.

  “That’s not true. Why are you lying?” I asked scared.

  “I’m not lying. You’re not my friend and you never were. I only pretended to be for my parents because they pitied you; the poor little girl who lost her mommy and daddy. Who no one wants and is just a burden. Your own father is never even there for you. You are bossy, annoying, fat, ugly and I’ve had enough of you. I hate you. Just leave me alone. I’ve heard enough of your whining and complaining about everything, it’s so fucking annoying! And all of your self-pity, my mom and dad are dead, my life sucks, boohoo. Just shut up, no one cares or wants to hear.” I began to cry; big awful hiccups as wet drops flooded my shirt. “Come on guys, let’s go, before her fat mouth starts saying anything else self-pitying about having no friends,” he finished and then they all got in the parked jeep, leaving me there crying on the front lawn.

  I looked at James now, he seemed sincere but still, he’d hurt me like no one else had before.

  “I’m sorry,” he said again, putting his warm hand over mine.

  “I know you are. But I still remember every word you said and all the pain and hurt you caused me. Not to mention the two years of my life that you purposely ruined,” I told him, letting him leave his hand over mine. It wasn’t soft but it was warm.

  “It’s only been a year and eight months,” he said trying to lighten the mood but it didn’t work, not this time.

  “Why now?” I asked skeptical. I didn’t understand what had changed, just a few days before he was treating me so horribly. Why now? Was this some sort of cruel trick?

  “Why now what?” he asked genuinely confused.

  “Why not a year and eight months ago?”

  “Because I was still an idiot then.” His hand warmed mine and sent tingles coursing through me but in a good way, like he always used to. We opened our lunches after a while and I gave him the three chocolate chip cookies that I’d packed for Derek. I’d have to bring Derek some another day.

  “Oh man, these are even better than I remembered!” he said, devouring them and savoring each bite, I laughed at that.

  “I’ve improved the recipe.” I explained and with that comment he looked sad but his mask was only down for a second before he acted like nothing was wrong but I’d caught a glimpse and knew he felt it.

  “So has anything happened with the evil step sisters, Mouse?” he asked smiling and like that, we were back to normal like nothing had ever happened and that year and eight months apart disappeared and that truly scared me. That we could fit back together after everything and it be so normal and like before that easily, and that all my repressed emotions could ignite so fast, that he still held that kind of power over me.

  In history everyone watched me, and Em kept pestering me for news and details about James and I, gossip had spread like wildfire throughout the school. I ignored Em but gym with Tara was a little harder.

  “Mike! What happened?” Tara kept badgering.

  “What happened?” James asked, coming up behind us and scaring us both. He smiled at me I found myself smiling back against my will.

  “Oh, er, nothing.” I blushed at nearly being caught.

  “Sure.” He grinned brilliantly and then took my hand. I didn’t mind like I thought I would have, like I would have with other people. But then again James wasn’t other people, he was my James and nothing and no one could change that. Tara left us because apparently Shannon was calling her, we both knew it was just so she could spread some gossip but I didn’t mind because that meant I got some time to be alone with James. Until Derek showed up, ruining our moment and disturbing our conversation. Derek looked James up and down, the disappointment clear on his face.

  “So, James why are you here?” Derek asked rudely.

  “Because of Mickey.” James smiled at me.

  “Mike,” Derek corrected.

  “No, Mickey, like Mickey Mouse,” James said looking pleased that Derek and no one else knew how much I hated being called Mike, it was a boy’s name. Derek looked confused but didn’t question it.

  “So again, why are you here? You’re not wanted here,” Derek said, putting his hand on my arm.

  “Derek!” I said very angry now and pulled my arm out of his grasp. I hated it when people spoke for me, it was one of my top pet peeves. James smiled knowingly, while Derek looked rather pissed himself.

  “Don’t ‘Derek’ me. I’m the one who’s trying to look out for you, so you don’t end up getting hurt. He’s an ass and you know it. He spread all those rumors about you. You’re an ass,” Derek said, getting more and more furious and then jabbed his finger into Jame’s chest. “If you’re staying, I’m leaving,” he decided firmly.

  “Well, I’m not going anywhere, Derek, I guess you’ll either have to live with both of us or without either of us,” James said, looking at me passionately. I felt a blush come over me, red and hot. Both Derek and James saw it too, making Derek leave, thankfully. James and I finally got to be alone. James had held my hand all the way through his speech and now he brought it to his lips and kissed it softly.

  “If that’s okay with you, of course,” he whispered, giving me the chills. I didn’t know what to say but Mrs. Larson blew her whistle, saving me. We all got on the court to play against each other. Thankfully, today we were playing badminton, a sport I was a lot better at.

  Derek avoided me all class and every time I’d look over to him, he was sulking or giving James a death glare. I hit the birdy at James and he hit it back, we managed to keep this up for fifteen rallies and then he missed the smash I’d been working up to. He dove for the birdy, not going easy on me; he never did but still he wasn’t quick enough.

  “No fair, that was a total cheap shot!” he joked.

  “Nu-uh. It was fair and square, you’re just jealous of my mad skills,” I said posing for him. He laughed a nice happy laugh.

  “Yeah, what
mad skills?” he shot back. I feigned shock and clasped my hand over my mouth.

  “Okay, there’s only one way to settle this. Best two out of three, my house tonight,” he decided cheerfully.

  “You’re on,” I agreed without thinking. It was just like it used to be with us, but it can’t be, I reminded myself. When you go there, you’ll see how much it has all changed, part of me thought sadly. Derek humphed beside me, reminding me that James and I weren’t alone. I smiled shyly and watched as the birdy flew through the air.

  James

  I couldn’t believe that I’d wasted practically two years of my life, when I could have apologized right away. I was such an idiot! When we started talking again it was like no time had passed, not a second. I still couldn’t get over how fast Mickey had agreed to come over, I thought happily as I set up the badminton net in my backyard. Something jumped on my back and I let out a scream, I could hear Mickey’s soft laugh vibrate against my back, the prettiest sound I’d ever heard.

  “Got you,” she laughed, still hanging on my back. I held her arms around my neck. We used to always try to get the jump on each other, something I had forgotten but she had obviously remembered.

  “Holy shit,” I said, my heart still racing, now from her touch. “You scared the shit out of me!” I laughed.

  “I know; you still scream like a girl!” she giggled.

  “No, I don’t!” I said defensively, that was not what you wanted to hear from the girl you liked.

  “You do and I’ll prove it to you,” she said, up to the challenge. She pulled her arms out of my grip and released her hold on me.

  “How?” I asked smiling, excited at the thought of more time with her.

  “You’ll see, or rather hear,” she joked as she took a racket out of my hand. “So, you ready to lose?” she asked cockily, grinning at me.

  “Baby, I was born ready,” I told her. She burst into laughter and I soon joined her, realizing my mistake. “To win!” I added quickly, my cheeks heating up in embarrassment.

  We played for a long time, both of us trying our hardest to win. Mickey ran to hit the birdy I shot, I shot it far, too far, if we had established boundaries it would have definitely been out.

  “That’s so out of bounds,” she said, coming back with the birdy in hand. Her face sparkled with a light sheen of sweat and still she looked absolutely beautiful, like she glowed.

  “Good thing we never made boundaries.” I smiled. She stuck her tongue out at me. “So, I win,” I continued, gloating. Mickey made a face at me but didn’t protest.

  “Yeah, yeah, today; but tomorrow is a new day.” She grinned.

  “Do you want to come in?” she asked after we’d been sitting and talking on the lawn chairs. Come in? Yeah, I did. I felt nervous all of a sudden.

  “Sure.” I smiled, trying to act casual. She opened the door and led me in; so far nothing was different. I wondered if she was allowed back in the house but I didn’t dare ask, then she’d know I’d been eavesdropping. We got to her door, it looked the same on the outside. I held my breath as she turned the knob. I wondered how different it would look, but the walls were the same calming blue we’d picked out together, the Coldplay poster I had given her still hung on her wall in the same place. Her bed was still the same, but the comforter was no longer fuchsia and was now a shiny grey, it was nice and fit in with her room but I missed the old one. Seeing me stare at it she finally spoke,

  “I spilt cough medicine on it and the stain wouldn’t come out, so Alyssa threw it out,” she explained. I wondered when that happened, when she was sick?

  I continued to look around, really the rest of her room had remained the same besides the addition of an elliptical machine and a stationary bike that were both placed in the corner of her room. One major difference was that all the pictures of us were gone. They used to be all over: on her mirror, her night table, her walls. Now there were only a few pictures left in her room. Some of her parents, Gran, her dad and some of her friends, even one with Derek. It made me jealous. I looked at her stack of CDs, they were all the same, even the ones I had made her. There were a few new ones but I was pleased to see mine still remained. I hit play on her CD player and a windy calming melody played, I knew it well, I had burned it for her. I smiled at her and went to track five, putting on Snow Patrol, Crack the Shutters.

  I smiled at her as I had wanted to smile at her since the fight. All the days, hours, minutes, seconds of wanting to be with her like before, I smiled at her. She came over and gave me a big hug, her eyes glassy again just like mine were. We just hugged one another, not saying anything for a long time, lost in our embrace. I rested my lips on her hair, it still smelt of citrus and vanilla, the most delicious scent, that was entirely Mickey.

  Everything felt to surreal, like a dream. I’d often dreamt this would happen but never had I thought it could be a reality. I would dream about Mickey all the time, she haunted me in my sleep, they were often wonderful dreams but whenever I’d wake up, I’d feel awful and have a burning hunger for her, but this wasn’t a dream, it was finally real.

  “I love you,” I whispered into her hair. Her hair was soft like always. She took one of my hands and pulled me to her bed. She lay down and I followed suit. We had slept together in the same bed many times, countless times, so it wasn’t awkward laying down next to her, just more intense now. We held hands and stared up at her ceiling, there were hundreds of glow in the dark stars, we had put them there over the years. They were only just beginning to glow because the sun was only starting to set. We talked about absolutely nothing of importance and laughed and joked a lot, something I’d never thought we’d do again. We’d been laughing really hard and having a great time when Mickey’s eyes all of a sudden got watery and her face so soft and vulnerable.

  “I missed you so much,” she said and then looked away. I pulled her into me and put my arm over her so we were even closer.

  “I missed you too,” I said putting my mouth to her forehead. I felt horrible, I hated seeing her so vulnerable. “I won’t ever leave you again, I promise,” I vowed, wishing I could go back to that day and change everything.

  “You’ve broken your promises to me before,” she said honestly. It hurt but I deserved it.

  “I know but it won’t ever happen again.” I’d never make Mickey hurt again, life without her was no life at all and I’d wasted too much time already. If there was one good thing about me, I never made the same mistake twice. And honestly even if I wanted to live without her, I knew I couldn’t, I’d tried and failed miserably. We were too connected, too attached, she was part of me and the very best part. The part that gave my life meaning. I held her close to me, afraid she’d change her mind and tell me to leave but she didn’t tell me to go, she didn’t say anything. Her silence worried me now but I was still too relieved to have her and be holding her.

  “What the hell happened with you and— James!” Gert shouted, barging into Mickey’s room and seeing me. We both sat up, now I felt awkward.

  “Hey,” I said quietly. Mickey squeezed my hand, probably sensing my anxiety.

  “Mick, we need to talk,” Gert said, furious, ignoring my greeting. This time I gave her hand a squeeze before releasing it and my hold on her.

  “I’ll be back soon,” she whispered, “Don’t worry, I promise I won’t cry if I break a nail,” she said making me laugh. The minute she was gone I began to get curious. Where were all the pictures of us? I still had all of mine, hidden away in my room. I quickly looked through her photo album, nothing. I decided to do something beyond wrong since we weren’t best friends anymore. I opened her bedside table drawer and carefully removed the hidden bottom, where I knew she kept all of her hidden secrets. We used to hide all sorts of stuff in there: letters, pictures, candy, and junk food. It was way out of bounds to look in there but I had to and I couldn’t have been happier with what I found. All the pictures of us together, the letters we’d written each other, and all the memorabilia of
our friendship. I found: a necklace whose match I had, a video tape of us at Gran’s seventy-fifth birthday, a comic I had forgotten at her house, along with a ruler and two white marbles. It was all my stuff, all me. I was her biggest secret. I was what she thought about most! I put her drawer back in place, smiling to myself. I lay on her bed, knowing she’d be back soon.

  “Why are you smiling like that?” she asked as she re-entered the room.

  “No reason,” I told her, trying to stop smiling but unable I was far too happy and felt too good.

  “What did you do?” she asked, looking a little anxious now.

  “I was just thinking of you and Gert fighting it out, out there.” I chuckled. She didn’t buy it but didn’t press any further. She smiled at me and sat next to me on the bed.

  “You know she’d never risk ruining her hair.” I laughed at the truth in that. There wasn’t much Gert would do if her hair was involved. She stayed in when it rained and if she absolutely had to go out, she’d wear a bag over her head, the girl was obsessed with her looks, but then again so were all the girls I dated, all of them the same; vain and obsessive.

  I left at dinner time, it would have been way too awkward. It was always somewhat weird because all the girls but Mickey were anorexic and didn’t say a word at the table. Towards the end, Gert started putting her hand on my knee and would keep doing it even when I pushed it off, which was beyond uncomfortable.

  “Hey.” I smiled coming into my house. Mom, dad and June all stared at me open mouthed. “I was just with Mickey, so what’s for dinner? I’m starved,” I said, smacking my stomach. They all continued staring, I guess it was the most I’d said at once in a long time.

  “Chicken salad,” June answered, smiling so hard I thought her face would crack. Mom and dad’s faces, all became mirror images of June. I hadn’t realized that Mickey had meant that much to them and felt guilty for taking her away from them too. “So, how is she? Did you two have a good time?” she asked enthusiastically.